7. The Wabbit, Lapinette & the Gooey Web

The Hacker did exactly as expected. But he wasn't expecting the Wabbit's Web. Stuck in the goo, he wriggled and writhed. But he couldn't extricate himself. The Wabbit and Lapinette lay at the ready to pump more of the web into the system - but what was there, was more than enough. "How do you like my Web, Mr Hacker?" The Wabbit was jubilant. The Hacker tore at the web but it was useless. Sticky strands held him fast. And he couldn't say a word - just gooey goo goo.  Lapinette was cautious. She expected trouble. It was a cold night in this part of the Cloud, and she thought the web might fracture. But it held fast. "What do we do now?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette knew the Wabbit didn't think far ahead. Strictly speaking, that part of the operation fell to her. "Kin we move him?" The Wabbit grinned and pressed a button on his snazer. The web began to contract and soon the Hacker was quite a small ball. "Sombrero Galaxy?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit agreed. "On his very own planet. He can hack to his heart's content." He rolled the ball of goo behind him and hopped along the bridge. "How do we get out of this cloud?" It was Lapinette's turn to grin. "I made notes. Take a right after the bridge." Clouds began to swirl around him and the Wabbit ploughed through them. "I suppose we just leave this entirety of the dark web behind." Lapinette sighed and shrugged. "There'll always be a dark Web." The Wabbit suggested blowing it up. "Wabbit. you can't blow up everything you don't like," she said. The Wabbit tried to dissipate the clouds by huffing on them. It didn't work. "Pity," said the Wabbit.

6. The Wabbit, Lapinette and the Highway

Lapinette and the Wabbit stood guard at the iron bridge. It was on the Dark Super Highway and the Wabbit had spotted it through the clouds. Lapinette was sceptical "How do you know he'll come this way?" The Wabbit shrugged. "They say you can set your clock by him." Lapinette gave a sardonic grin. "Who on earth does the think he is? Kant?" The Wabbit chortled, He'd recharged their snazers with special concoction devised by Big Blue Snail and Major Duetta Spyder in the Wabbit's shed at the back of the Department. It was lethal and would trap anything. Devised as a lure, the holes were an illusion and were filled with snail slime, spider goo and Evostick. Nothing got through. Nothing. Suspended from the iron girders of the bridge, they looked like a spider's web and glistened in the night. The Wabbit looked out. He and Lapinette had different ways of looking. He crouched over his rifle and stared at the middle distance. Lapinette bounced up and down on her rabbit legs. Birds fluttered across in great number. The Wabbit sniffed the air. "Birds?" he said. He made a wavy motion with his paws. Lapinette nodded. "The Dark Cloud certainly cuts it for authenticity." They stared out for a while. "What's that?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette's ears swivelled and her nose twitched "It's him." The Wabbit wasn't sure. How can you tell?" "Garlic mouse droppings," she said. Now the Wabbit could smell him too. He lifted his snazer and glanced at Lapinette. "He's going to meet a sticky wicket."

[Background images. Open Clip Art, JW Wein, Hans-2 all at Pixabay.]

5. The Wabbit, Lapinette and the Hacker

Lapinette swept back the curtain and there was the Hacker. She waved a pistol at him and while he was distracted, the Wabbit snuck in behind him. "You horrid Hacker!" yelled Lapinette. Lapinette was livid. The Hacker's penetrating stare held her in a vice like grip. The Wabbit had her edged weapon and grasped the Hacker from behind. But the knife slid off his neck like an evil dream. Lapinette's automatic bent sideways "I am the rambunctious Hacker," he cried, "No gun can fire me, no knife can throw me." Lapinette tried to bend the automatic back but it wouldn't comply. The Wabbit slipped the edged weapon back in his fur and stood back. "You have an interesting turn of phrase," he grunted. The Hacker scowled. "It's the phrase that turns - not me. I am Ice Mouse Hacker and I turn for no-one." The air grew cold and Lapinette suppressed a shiver, then shrugged. "As you wish," Mr Mouse." The Hacker's lips formed into a grin. "What is your wish, Mr and Mrs Bunny?" "Stop the outages," snapped the Wabbit. "Then where will I get my fun?" said the Hacker. He pulled the curtain back and swept the Wabbit out with a wave of his paw. "I am neither pixie nor pixel. I am Hacker." The curtain closed and dissolved. There was nothing behind. Only clouds. The Wabbit grimaced. "That went well." Lapinette inspected her automatic and racked the slide. Her mouth set in a line. "How do we get him?" The Wabbit considered. "Satanic Runes?" Lapinette's lip curled. "Glurpy Glue!"

[Background. Pixabay Peter Pieras]

4. The Wabbit and the Cascade of Rabbits

There was a cascade of toy rabbits. They were running - out of the cloud they came, one by one. They just kept pouring through. The first one bore a software piracy logo and a spectacular set of teeth. The rest looked as lethal as the first. The Wabbit lifted his snaser rifle but Lapinette shouted to him. "They're pixels Wabbit, you won't do anything with that." The Wabbit thought about it and he knew one thing. It took fire to fight fire. "That flash drive, Lapinette?" Lapinette was ahead of him. "My thoughts exactly. I think I have it somewhere in my frock." She fished around and found it. Then she threw it. With a single deft move, the Wabbit caught it and flipped it the other way round. "Take that for your trouble," he snarled. He flung it straight at the teeth of the leading toy rabbit. He had a bit of luck. The flash drive lodged between its teeth and connected. The Wabbit leaned back as the drive downloaded a powerful new virus into the toy. The toy stopped dead just like the rabbit in the souless battery advertising. So did the rest. The numbers danced but the toys lay on the ground, as lifeless as a string of dead fish. "What was on that drive, Wabbit?" Lapinette was relieved. The danger was over for now. The Wabbit grinned. "We call it digital myxoma." Lapinette grimaced. "Wabbit! You and Wabsworth have a terrible sense of humour." The Wabbit wrinkled his nose in agreement. "We're not finished. We have to get to the Hacker." The Wabbit turned to face the numbers. They were printed on a gauze curtain of poor quality. The Wabbit laughed. "Well I call that chintzy!"

[Toy rabbit by vinsky Background numbers by Jay Rue Software Piracy Badge by The Digital Artist. All at Pixabay]

3. The Wabbit and Lapinette in the Cloud

Courtesy of Hardhack Rat, the Wabbit and Lapinette hopped through the Dark Cloud. He'd got them in by some back door - no one knew of its existence. The Dark Cloud was the equivalent of the Dark Web and as such, highly dangerous. But the Wabbit wasn't taking it seriously enough for Lapinette. "Watch where you're sticking that gun," she shrieked. The Wabbit lowered his weapon, but not by much. "Sorry," he chirped. "Lower Wabbit," groaned Lapinette. "Sooahrry," said the Wabbit in a deep baritone. Lapinette ignored this and looked all around. "So this is the Dark Cloud." The Wabbit hitched the snazer higher up on his shoulder. "Looks like it." Lapinette glanced down. "What is this were standing on?" "Looks like a bridge of some kind, probably over troubled waters." Lapinette sighed. When the Wabbit was like this, nothing would change him. "Bridge to where?" "Probably a bridge too far." The Wabbit was being really annoying, and it usually meant he saw trouble ahead. Mist swirled around them and enveloped them in damp. "This plays havoc with my sinus," said the Wabbit. "Is that why you're getting up my nose?" Lapinette had had enough. Her ears twitched. Then they heard a noise, a bit like scraping. The Wabbit shrugged and they hopped on. The sound got louder. "It sounds like the hacker," said Lapinette. They stopped. She brought her snaser round and pointed it straight ahead. The clouds gave way to a screen with numbers. Toy rabbits hopped around on the screen. A blast from Lapinette's snazer saw the screen dissolve into melted plastic. "Melt down!" shouted the Wabbit. 

[Clouds: Engin Alyurt  Pixabay]

2. The Wabbit and the Dark Web

Hardhack insisted on demonstrating his theory, so they went to the viewing theatre that the Wabbit had lovingly recreated in the Department. They picked up Lapinette on the way because she knew a thing or two about the Dark Web or the Dark Wab as the Wabbit liked to call it. Hardhack booted up his computer and they were incognito as they come. Not a soul knew of their presence. A shrouded figure appeared on the screen. "Looks like our suspect," said Hardhack. The Wabbit gasped. "It's an Ice Mouse." His voice shook the theatre as he began to speak. "Look on my works ye mighty and Despair!" The Wabbit gripped the back of the seat. "All ye who cleave to the Dark Path! Ye are my followers." His voice was like scraping a mouse scratching a blackboard. "We shall lay them low; we shall scatter their pixels like lawn mower clippings." The Wabbit spoke in a low voice. "He can't hear us can he?" The voice spoke again. "I can see all who see me. I can see everything." The Wabbit made a rude sign. Lapinette admonished him. The Ice Mouse started again. "Our next task goes beyond Facefook. It extends to the heart of the Net. To SPECTRA and beyond." The Wabbit made a funny face. "I can see you Wabbit," said the voice, "Prepare to meet whatever doom you care to name." The Wabbit looked at Hardhack. "He's bluffing," said Hardhack. "Ending transmission," roared the voice. The screen went black except for an Ice Mouse logo, which promptly faded. "My gast is flabbered," shrugged the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Big Outage

The big outage went on and on and every computer in the land was affected. So the Wabbit decided to seek out advice. Who better than Hardhack Rat? Hardhack didn't take appointments but the Wabbit didn't have to make one. He crept into a new bay and watched Hardhack run up and down, looking for glitches. The new bay was very chic and even had a soft seat. The Wabbit was secretly impressed but he chose not to show it. "Psst Hardhack. How are things?" Hardhack turned. "Just fine Wabbit. How do like my new minimalist supercomputer?" The Wabbit smiled to himself. "It's rather cute, Hardhack." Hardhack was astonished. "Cute?" he said. "Cute?" He grimaced at the Wabbit. "This is a state-of-the-art beast rated at a zillion exaflops." "It has a nice little seat," said the Wabbit. "That is a powerful controller," shouted Hardhack. "It helps execute neural functions equivalent to my Brian." "You mean brain surely?" laughed the Wabbit. Hardhack stuck his nose in the air. "It's what I call my brain," he said. "Only teasing," snickered the Wabbit. Hardhack put his paws on his fur. "Oh you! You're incorrigible. What can I do for you anyway?" He smiled. The Wabbit strode around looking at things. "We've had a big outage. You don't seem affected." Hardhack guffawed loudly. "I wouldn't attach this to the net. Do you think I'm mad?" The Wabbit shrugged. "It's a problem for the Department. I'm supposed to fix it." Hardhack thought for a minute. "You've considered mice." It was the Wabbit's turn to think. "I have not." Hardhack was philosophical "Oh, they talk about faulty configuration changes and backbone routers, but 70% of problems are caused by mice." The Wabbit gave that some thought. "You could be spot-on..."
[Background image by Pixabay]

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The team gathered in a Caffè near the station. There had been a big fire and they wanted to inspect the damage - but it was all internal and nothing much to see. "I'm glad this place is still functioning," said Lapinette. "Yes, touch and go," replied the Wabbit. The exterior scaffolding was still in place, and they glanced round at it. "I suppose they're still putting it out," said Wabsworth. They sniffed the air. An acrid smell remained. "Blowtorch and insulation?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit shook his head gravely. "Just a spark," commented Lapinette. They all nodded. "Oh look! Here's Skratch," said Wabsworth, "He'll tell us what kind of adventure you just had." Skratch's call was long, as he hove into sight. "That was a pleasant adventure," he meaowed. "Nothing more than that Skratch?" Wabsworth smiled and pointed at Lapinette. Then he put both paws to his eyes and then pointed at Skratch. "Hmmm. It was mythological and barely covered by signification," said Skratch. Lapinette smiled. "It was a zone beyond!" "Elusive and ineffable," commented the Wabbit. Lapinette laughed. "You were certainly elusive and ineffable inside that mausoleum." The Wabbit's ears twitched. "No real danger there." Lapinette nearly fell of her chair laughing. Wabsworth laughed too. "The ghost eagle as an autonomous entity is quite a semiotic threat." Skratch grinned. "Where's that eagle now? He seemed clued in on movie history." The Wabbit smirked. "Probably down by the cemetery gate hiring himself out." Lapinette was helpless with mirth. "Then he vanishes after taking the money." The Wabbit suddenly tapped the table. "Talking of vanishing, where's our drinks?" "They're mythological," giggled Lapinette.

6. Lapinette and the Spectre of the Eagle

Lapinette pulled the Wabbit out and dropped him over the edge. But just as she did, the eagle took off from his statue. Fully formed he took flight from Lapinette's bullets. The Wabbit struggled to find a grip on the mausoleum, and the eagle didn't make it any easier. A giant wing almost swept him down as he batted at it with an ineffectual paw. "You can't shoot me," cried the eagle. "I'm a ghost!" All the same, a bullet clipped a wing and feathers flew as feathers do. "Take that," shouted Lapinette. "Take that and bother us no more." The eagle swooped round. "I only wanted a friend to talk to." Lapinette stood her ground. "You better choose your friends carefully and not imprison them. Be a nice friendly eagle from now on." She waved her automatic. The eagle settled on the ground and the Wabbit dropped down and strode up to him. "You were a good tour guide; you could make a euro or two." The eagle brightened. "Maybe I could." But then his face fell. "What would I do that sets me apart." Lapinette jumped down from the mausoleum. "Eagle feathers are in big demand." The eagle looked mournful. "They're illegal to possess." The Wabbit had a think. "They're ghost eagle feathers; they wouldn't last long." The eagle soared into the sky. "I'm an official tour guide then. I'll hang out by the cemetery gates." The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. Lapinette looked back and shook her head. "We have to sort everything out. It's exhausting." The Wabbit dusted off his fur. "Rewarding though." "What's our reward?" replied Lapinette. "I could use a drink," said the Wabbit. "There's an Eagle Pub," said Lapinette. The Wabbit looked at her. "It's in Pozzo Strada," she said. The Wabbit laughed. "They have everything there."
[The Eagle House Irish Pub is in Via Riete 4 (Corso Franca, Torino)]

5. Lapinette and the Locked Mausoleum.

Lapinette wondered what had happened to the Wabbit. She knew his meanders could take a while. All the same, it was unusual. She meandered through the cemetery with a little more purpose. And that was when she saw it. A can of WD40 had rolled to the side of a mausoleum - and its distinctive red straw was pointing to it. She picked it up with one paw and plucked her automatic from her frock with the other. "It's a clue," she murmured. Could the Wabbit be trapped inside the mausoleum? With a great deal of care, she looked round the side and placed her ear against the wall. With that ear she could hear the dead speak. She heard the muffled sound of pacing and beating and hammering. "It sounds like the Wabbit all right." She listened a little more closely. There was a lot of swearing and the sound of things being thrown against the wall. She knocked forcefully. "Is that you Wabbit? You're always getting locked into places." There was a spluttering and she thought she heard him say "Watch out for the eagle." Lapinette thought that was odd. "Perhaps you found old coins. Is there a key?" The sweary reply indicated a key was not to be found. "Stand back then, I'm coming in," she said. She hitched up her frock and started to climb the brickwork. There were plenty of toe holds and she got to the top easily. In the roof was small skylight and she prised it back to find herself looking at the Wabbit. "What took you so long?" he said. Lapinette offered a paw. "I took the scenic route. Did you know Isa Bluette is here?" "How's she keeping?" asked the Wabbit.

[Isa Bluette was an Italian showgirl of the twenties and thirties.]

4. The Wabbit and the Unexpected Turn

The Wabbit had just finished a chat when the eagle picked him up. Before he knew what was happening, he was headed back to where he started. "I think you're an awfully good companion," said the eagle," I think I'll keep you." He landed by the mausoleum and dragged the Wabbit to the door. The Wabbit knew he couldn't overpower a giant eagle so he slipped his paw into his fur and threw the first thing he could locate onto the ground. It was a can of WD40. Anyone who knew the Wabbit, would know he'd been there. "We're going to have such good conversations," shouted the eagle, "you can bet we are." The Wabbit flailed but he couldn't escape the grip of the talons. "I'm really rather boring," he protested. The eagle swept him through the door. "Not at all, you're awfully good fun," he yelled. "You can accompany me on my mausoleum tour. You'll be a graveyard smash." He spread his wings and pushed the Wabbit inside. "The Wabbit continued to protest. "I'm such a terrible windbag. On and on I go. Better release me if you know what's good for you." The door clanged shut. "See you later for a nice chat," said the eagle. The Wabbit heard the fluttering of wings as the eagle resumed his perch. He shrugged and looked round. It was fairly dark, but he could make out some plaques, flowers and the odd photo. "There might be visitors," he thought, "It might even be today." He tried to look out the window, but it was frosted glass and not very big. So he couldn't see much. "I suppose I could smash my way out," he thought and then smiled. "Wah hoo. Graveyard smash!"

3. The Wabbit and the Old Engineer

The Wabbit found himself lifted and transported to another grave. He was deposited without ceremony beside a lifelike figure. "This looks like the person himself," said the Wabbit. The eagle spread his wings wide. "Now you can tell me what he did in life." The Wabbit screwed up his eyes. "A kind of scientist. An engineer probably." The eagle made high pitched whistling noises. "Very good Wabbit, I didn't know you were so knowledgeable." The Wabbit grinned. "I read the inscription. And he has intelligent eyes." The eagle laughed. "You make him sound like a dog." The Wabbit patted him on the shoulder. "I'm rather more than a dog, even though I'm dead," said the statue. "My name is Francesco Casabella. How are my bursaries doing?" The eagle intervened. "They go to students in reduced economic circumstances as was your wish." Francesco's statue nodded. "I never hear a thing; you know how it is." The Wabbit thought it best to change the subject. "This seems like a pleasant spot." Francesco spoke again. "Yes. My tomb was donated by the Society of Engineers. I was poor and gave night classes in Bra. Then I got my degree. I built many fine buildings and factories thereafter." The Wabbit gestured to the figures left on his tomb and gave his shoulder another pat. "You have some young admirers I see." The statue seemed to come alive. "I always liked the young people." The eagle made more whistling noises. "We'd best be going. He gets maudlin." The Wabbit smiled and backed away. Everything went back to normal. "This is quite a cemetery," said the Wabbit. "Tell me about it," said the eagle.

2. The Wabbit hears of Stefano Pittaluga

The bird transformed into a magnificent eagle and transported the Wabbit around the cemetery. Then he swooped down and deposited the Wabbit by a graveside. The Wabbit looked at the recumbent statue on the plinth. "This is the grave of Stefano Pittaluga. A cinema impresario who acquired studios in Turin." The Wabbit walked around the plinth. The eagle swooped and dropped down to sit by the statue. "You probably won't know him. He was ahead of his time in introducing sound cinemas." The Wabbit agreed. "You're absolutely right, I never heard of him." The eagle lifted off and swooped around a bit. Then returned to sit by the statue. "He moved to Rome and released foreign films. People loved it." "What happened to him?" The eagle laughed. "He died in 1931, otherwise we wouldn't be here." The Wabbit pointed. "It says there 1932." "Don't believe everything you read," said the eagle. The Wabbit knelt by the plinth. "I can see someone has been here recently." The eagle liked a joke. "Flowers. He's very popular with the old age pensioners." The Wabbit smiled. But he wanted to know who the woman statue was. "I think she was a lady friend," said the eagle. "Oh really," said the Wabbit, "that's show business I guess." The eagle became serious. "Yes, on hearing of his death she came here and prostrated herself by the grave. She wouldn't go away and died of starvation." The Wabbit looked astonished and his eyes widened. The eagle winked. "Not at all. I made that up." The eagle tried for a grin, but only managed to look sinister. The Wabbit considered everything he's heard. "I know a cat who would like to hear of this." "Is his name Felix?" asked the eagle. "No. Skratch," replied the Wabbit. "Silly name," said the eagle.

1. The Wabbit gets the Bird

The Wabbit was at a loose end, so he strolled through the Monumental Cemetery in Torino. It was always a pleasure. He recalled his primary school teacher saying to him. "Why don't you have a walk through a cemetery, Wabbit. Cheer yourself up." So he always did. He couldn't remember her name, but he remembered the advice - and then a giant grin would appear on his face. The cemetery was like a city on its own. The graves were big enough to house whole families and he fancied he saw one with a TV satellite dish. He laughed, which was entirely inappropriate for a cemetery - and he looked around to see if he'd offended anyone. That was when the bird called to him. "Caw! Wabbit!" There was a big bird on top of a mausoleum. "Impossible," he thought. He proceeded on his way, but it called again. "Yes you, Wabbit!" The Wabbit didn't look back. He'd had quite enough with things calling to him because there always seemed to be trouble. "Wanna tour, Wabbit?" The bird was insistent. "The Wabbit shrugged. "How much?" There was a fluttering of wings. "City of Torino pays. It's covered by your Museum Card." The Wabbit gave up. "I suppose so. No funny business now." The bird tried to disengage from the top of the mausoleum. Bits of brickwork fell to the ground. Finally it dragged his claws from the top of the building and swooped down in an awkward fashion. It looked around to make sure no-one had seen. "OK, what do you wanna see?" The Wabbit stuck both paws in his fur. "You're the guide. Entertain me." The bird settled on the Wabbit's shoulders and, with a sudden movement, picked him up. "My treat," it chortled - and off they flew...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

They gathered as usual to discuss the Adventure, but Lapinette took the show by jumping on a pole. She twisted her legs around it and let out a cry. The Wabbit was nonplussed. This was unusual for Lapinette. "Did you start the drinks early?" he asked. "No," replied Lapinette, "I just felt exuberant." Skratch approached from the rear and lifted her higher up. "What was that for a sort of Adventure you just had?" he meaowed. The Wabbit decided to start. "The inanimate object drove the narrative. It was a constant moving element throughout." Skratch laughed. "That's a little tame for you, Wabbit," he purred. "I disagree," said Wabsworth. "I felt it was truly avant-garde. The lamp was tired of acting as a source of illumination for others." Lapinette chirruped from her pole. "It was a challenge to our fixed ways of looking, staring and objectification. A reverse scopophilia." She swung round and back again, narrowly avoiding the waiter. "I suppose you're right," said Skratch. Everyone looked at him. "Lights gesticulate in a shimmery sort of way. They sway and sparkle and we take little notice. Compared to many people I see, they are alive." Skratch gesticulated in a manner designed to imitate the lamp. "Dazzling," said Wabsworth. He was quite taken by this turn of conversation. "The lamp was one of your best inanimate characters, Wabbit." Lapinette went for a total swirl. "He was very sweet, and I hope to see him again." The table lit up with a single flash from the direction of the moon. "I think he just saw you," said the Wabbit.

6. The Wabbit stops off at the Moon

At the Lamp's insistence Quantum dropped him off on the moon. He said he'd been staring up at it for so long, it would be nice to stare down from it. The Wabbit and Lapinette bounced around and tried to get him the best position. "Why don't act as lookout? said the Wabbit. The Lamp beamed. "Nothing gets past me!" Lapinette made a final adjustment. "You don't need a chain to hang from up here." The Wabbit nodded his head. "Or a lamp standard." They all bounced together. "You'll be able to see Torino," said the Wabbit. "And they will see me!" replied the Lamp. His headlamps became very bright indeed and he flashed them a few times. "Well need to alert the ESA I suppose," said Lapinette. "They won't believe it," said the Wabbit. "Anyway, there's so much ... stuff flying around, I don't think they'll notice." The Lamp flounced. "I thought you were going to say space junk." The Wabbit hung his head because that's exactly what he was going to say. Lapinette had a thought. "You won't feel lonely up here, all on your own." The Lamp shook vigorously. "I have the stars for company." Lapinette thought that was very sweet. "We can have a shining competition," yelled the Lamp. "Mmm. We should get on our way," said Lapinette and she signalled to Quantum. "I'm a train not a taxi," grumbled Quantum. He circled round and came in for a landing. "Come up and see me sometime," said the Lamp. He waved goodbye as he watched Quantum start his journey to Earth with the Wabbit and Lapinette on board. "I'm never going back to that awful place," he said to himself, "No tourists up here. But I think if I look very hard I can see them." He swung his headlamps round until Torino briefly lit up. The lights on the Mole Tower winked back at him. "Missing you already!" he shouted. 

[Background: NASA, Goddard, Arizona State University]

5. The Wabbit and the Exploding Hole

Everything was confusion. The Lamp bolted out the door and stared the green craft down. His headlamps carved their way into the bottom of the craft. The Lamp distorted and flared as the light smashed the vessel. Still it went on. Bits of the craft split and became separate entities while the original craft carried on. Quantum elongated but stayed the same size. The Black Hole filled with colour as bits of both crafts span off and circled round. Inside the craft, the Wabbit and Lapinette warped too but tried to get Lattice Drive back online. There was a clunk as Quantum engaged and he clawed his way out of the hole. "Get the Lamp back on board," yelled the Wabbit. Quantum engaged a tractor bean that pulled at the Lamp and bit by bit he was persuaded back into the cargo hold. Things stabilised inside - but outside, parts of the green craft whizzed past. Lapinette patted the Lamp. "I think you got the measure of him." The Lamp looked pleased, "Can we do it again?" The Wabbit groaned, "Let's get going while the going's good." Lapinette ensured they were free of the Black Hole, and set coordinates for Earth. They looked back. The green craft struggled to free itself of the confusion. The Wabbit stared. "Was that really the Ice Mice?" Lapinette shook her head. "A version of them? Who knows?" The Lamp was astonished, "Friends of yours?" I wouldn't say that exactly," said the Wabbit. They all laughed. Then Lapinette said, "Take us home, Quantum." "The scenic route?" asked Quantum. "We've done the scenic route," laughed the Wabbit. The Lattice Drive crackled under Quantum's wheels and the Wabbit raised his eyes, "Don't spare the horses," he quipped. 

4. The Wabbit and the Shedding of Light

Quantum the Time Travelling Train positioned himself at the event horizon of a black hole - and waited. "Out ye go!" said the Wabbit and pushed the lamp to the door. "Light that up!"  The Lamp found himself floating in space, He could feel the tug of the singularity, but it didn't shift him much. "That's a lot of black," he murmured. His headlamps burst into life and he focussed them on the black hole. It didn't do much at first since the Black Hole absorbed the light. "I'll get you," shouted the Lamp. The Lamp drew massive energy from somewhere - and gradually the beam widened. Then the Lamp started to move it around. "Can't see much," said the Lamp. "Try the edges," said Lapinette. The beam swept back and forth. "Can't see much at all," said the Lamp. "It's a black hole," said the Wabbit, "it sucks everything in." The Lamp focussed the beam again. "I think I see something." The Wabbit winked at Lapinette. "Of course you can, Lamp." The Lamp swayed from side to side. "On the edge of my vision, something moved." The Wabbit snorted, "That'll be right. The hole destroys everything." Lapinette was more cautious. "Listen to the Lamp, Wabbit." The Lamp shook violently. "I'm coming back in, open up." Quantum obliged, then the door swished shut. "I'm picking up alien intruders, Commander." The Wabbit's fur stood on end. "What colour is their Spaceship?" Quantum made a spectral analysis. "Green, Commander." Lapinette peered into the distance. "Lattice Drive, Quantum. On the double." Quantum spoke quickly "I can't mobilise Lattice Drive, Marquesa, we're being drawn in." The Wabbit grabbed at the windscreen. "Reverse thrust, Quantum." But it was all to no avail as they plunged into the hole ...

[Background Image Credit: NASA, ESA, and D. Coe, J. Anderson, and R. Van der Marel (stsci)]

3. The Wabbit and the Saga of the Lamp

The Wabbit decided that space would be a good place to test out the Lamp's cherished ambition. After all, he said that he wanted to light the world, but he hadn't mentioned which one. Quantum's the Time Travelling Train's dining car seemed a good place to keep the Lamp in containment, and as they whistled through space, the Wabbit whistled a merry tune. "These look like competition to me," said the Lamp. "Not at all," said the Wabbit, "they're darker than they look." The Lamp switched his headlamps on. The Wabbit recoiled in the harsh glare as the beam cut across his nose. "Not now Lamp," he shouted, "we're not there yet." "Where are we, asked the Lamp. "Global Cluster NBC something," said the Wabbit. "I think," he added. "What are you planning?" asked Lapinette with a sigh, "Oh some old forgotten black hole or other." The Wabbit smirked and nodded. "Light up the Hole," he sang. "Wabbit!" yelled Lapinette. The Lamp floated up and down. He was dying to light up something and a Black Hole seemed cool. "This a long way from Turin," he said, "no flocking tourists flocking here." Lapinette scowled. "It has its moments, I can assure you." She looked out - just in case there might be aliens. The global cluster dimmed slightly. "Are we there yet?" asked the Lamp. Quantum's voice rumbled through the speakers. "Approaching the event horizon, Commander - there might be a little turbulence." The Lamp began to sway. "Like Turin on a Saturday night," he breathed. Lapinette shuddered. "Totally different," she shrugged. and she tossed her head, Quantum began to vibrate. "Coming out of Lattice Drive." They held on to their seats and waited. The Lamp went into free fall and floated wildly. "Cool," he murmured ...

2. The Wabbit shares the Load

The Wabbit had just helped the lamp down when Lapinette appeared round a corner. "Wabbit you can't just take a lamp, it's illegal." The Wabbit was struggling with the weight. "It's his wish to go, but I'm wishing I hadn't bothered." Two lights flared from inside the lamp. They looked for all the world like headlamps. "That's better, I can see now," said the lamp. "Lapinette was astonished. "What are you up to with this lamp, Wabbit?" The headlamps burned bright and they swivelled back and forth. "I want to escape," shouted the lamp," I'm fed up hanging in that spot. Tourists here, tourists there - with their incessant prattle. Pointing and gawping." Lapinette thought for a minute and then she pointed. "OK, let's move down the road. Try not to look conspicuous." The Wabbit was panting. "Can you take some of the weight?" The heaviness vanished as the lamp started to float on his own. "That's better," it said. "I didn't like that chain at all." Having helped the lamp down, the Wabbit was unsure of what to do and he said so. "So Lamp. Do you have any plans?" asked Lapinette. "I want to see the world," said the lamp, "I want to light it up." The Wabbit snorted. "Knock yourself out why don't you?" Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "That's enough of your cynicism, Wabbit. You helped him and now I'm afraid you have to take care of him." The lamp started to sing. "Light up the globe. Light it right up. Light up the globe. I believe in myself." The Wabbit cringed but Lapinette thought it was cute. The Wabbit remined cynical but knew it was his fault. "Let's go and have a drink and think about it." The Lamp was delighted. "Like tourists!" Lapinette danced forward as only she could. "Let's light the way to a gin and tonic." "Follow that dancer," said the Wabbit. 

1. The Wabbit and the Talking Lamp

The Wabbit was hovering in the Piazza San Giovanni, where a narrow path linked the Royal Palace with the Cathedral. There was usually a small amount of casual traffic, but on this occasion, the passageway was quiet. He became aware of murmuring and looked up. The murmuring stopped. Then it started again. It appeared to be coming from the lamp and it got louder. "People take no notice of me. I'm just a common old lamp to them." The Wabbit continued to look up and his ears twitched. "You might twitch your ears," said the lamp, "you rabbity creature." The Wabbit smiled but didn't reply. He inclined his head in a therapeutic manner, just like he'd learned in Zurich. The lamp continued. "Switch on, switch off, that's all they care about. But the things I see, they wouldn't care for me to repeat." The Wabbit shrugged slightly, "How does that make you feel?" The lamp flickered even though it was bright day. "Angry, annoyed, frustrated." He paused. "Sometimes they give me an environmental retrofit. Doesn't make a whit of difference, I can tell you. Lumens this and lumens that." The Wabbit grinned and waited. "They change my bulb sometimes, but no one cleans it regularly." The lamp swayed a bit. "I'm a powerful symbol you know. Let there be a light." The Wabbit didn't correct the lamp, it seemed rude. He addressed the lamp directly. "If you could have your way, what would it be? What would you do?" The lamp flickered again. "I wouldn't hang around here for all and sundry. I'd move around guiding the way." The Wabbit thought for a second. "Where would you draw your power?" The lamp laughed a triumphal laugh. "No problem. Power is everywhere." The Wabbit allowed himself a giggle. "OK. I'll see what I can do ..."

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled as usual, but this time Skratch had got in early - and he was sitting in the corner with his paw up. "I'm first," he said. "I'm going to congratulate you on a splendid adventure. I was in it you know!" Lapinette didn't turn. She was facing the Wabbit and it was to him she directed the question. "You were late Wabbit, and therefore you must tell us what kind of Adventure that was." The Wabbit put a paw to his lips. "It should be Wabsworth, it was all his idea," Wabsworth was more than happy. "It was a tale of the embodied effect." Now Skratch was feeling left out. It was better to arrive late, he thought. "It was good frothy fun," he said, "with an element of female rage." Lapinette turned with a look that would sour milk. Skratch meaowed furiously. "You rewired the shock machine to produce an electrically charged blast that erupted into flames." The Wabbit tried to defuse any argument. "The kinesthetic opposition grounded the semiotic square." Skratch hooted with laughter. "That's a bold hypothesis, Wabbit." Wabsworth was entertained. "Gestalt memories of kinesthesia." He chuckled to himself. Lapinette clapped her paws. "None of you know what you're on about. You're not reading our story intertextually." She flung her arms in the air. The Wabbit was delighted. "I can see we need a new theory of gestures." Lapinette was now on a high horse. "Derrida wrote of genre as a corpus of traces." Her paws went round and round. Skratch nodded. "Your part in the story provided us with enough traces to scorch paintwork." The Wabbit was getting thirsty. "Lapinette, can you gesture for a drink." Lapinette grinned and imperceptibly twitched an eyebrow. "A waiter appeared in an instant.

5. Lapinette and the Half-Decent Blast

The Wabbit and Lapinette kept a lookout and not much time elapsed before the Agent came into sight. The radio would have crackled but the Wabbit muted all that. First, Wabsworth alerted them to the general target - and then a flustered call from Skratch told him the Agent had found the fake remote control. They watched the street. An Agent looked nonchalant with his device and he was waving it around. "I think this remote will open this particular one," he muttered. He looked from left to right and then he pointed it and pressed it. There was a faint buzzing, then a crackling. Then there was a sizzling. Suddenly the whole thing burst into flames. The Agent was enveloped in fire. "Eek, aaagh!! he shouted. Lapinette's wiring had done the trick. She smiled in triumph as she watched from a doorway. The team dragged the unwitting Agent from the flames and put him out by rolling him on the hot tarmac. "That'll teach you to take things that don't belong to you," said the Wabbit. He sounded like a bit a schoolmaster he used to know. The Agent had a bad case of singed fur but was otherwise unharmed. The car was a bit scorched and the Wabbit placed a note on the windscreen. "You'll take care of that, won't you Lapinette." Lapinette looked at the Agent and shook her head. "It's his fault," she said, "Fork up." The Agent put his paw in his fur and fished out some badly burned notes. The Wabbit grabbed them and tucked them behind the wipers. "Be on your way," he said to the Agent, "and don't smoke. It's bad for you!" The Agent staggered off down the road - but turned for a parting shot. "You haven't heard the end of this!" The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. Lapinette grinned. "I know that," she said. "My sewing bee will never let me forget it."

[Blast by Open Clip-Art Vectors at Pixabay]

4. Skratch and the Dodgy Remote Control

Skratch the Cat was out for a bit of a prowl, and he made his way along Corso Belgio to the Sassi Point. There he'd look for passing fish. To his surprise he noticed an Agent of Rabit on his own. They were always in pairs and never on their own, so he lurked on the bridge to see what transpired. Then he saw something on the parapet that looked like Wabsworth's electric shock machine. It was disguised as a car key remote control. You couldn't miss it. The Agent looked down. His paw reached out. Skratch considered courses of action. He could launch an all-out attack but that wasn't much fun. He could come up from the river like a sea monster and menace the Agent that way. He shook his head. He knew that Wabsworth never left anything anywhere - only by design. So he waited. The Agent poked the remote control. Nothing happened. He poked it again. Nothing. He lifted it. Not a great deal happened. He looked at it again, made a decision, and then tucked it away under his fur. Skratch knew it only operated when the button was pressed, so he decided to leave the whole matter in abeyance and report back. The Agent looked all round to see if anyone was watching. Skratch ducked out of sight behind the wall. Then the Agent started a tuneless whistle and walked back the way he came, "Nothing suspicious," he muttered, "nothing at all. I'll get back and we'll try it out. Maybe it will open an interesting car." Skratch watched him go. He looked as suspicious as someone who just bought a briefcase of forged banknotes. He tracked him until he came to a lair of some kind and made a careful note. Then Skratch bounded into the distance.

3. Lapinette and Practical Electronics

The Wabbit and Wabsworth tracked Lapinette down in the centre of the city. She was choosing a magazine and seemed engrossed. With a silly smirk Wabsworth crept up and tried to give her electric shock, but she moved away. The machine sizzled. The Wabbit gasped. It did nothing but fry thin air. but it made a crackling sound. "Wabsworth, don't you dare!" Without turning round, Lapinette selected her magazine. It was Practical Electronics for The Discerning Amateur. "I didn't think they still published that," said the Wabbit. Lapinette flicked it open. "What on earth are you two up to?" she asked. Wabsworth backed away. "Actually, we wanted to ask you about the ethics of electric shocks." Lapinette whirled round. "By trying it?" She grabbed Wabsworth's machine and tucked it away under her frock. "You're not to be trusted," she said, "You could do someone a mischief." The Wabbit was relieved. "Seriously Lapinette, what about ethics?" Lapinette smiled for the first time. "Practical ethics?"  The Wabbit nodded. They'd reached common ground. "Well, I'd give one to my enemies wired badly. Then if they tried it, they'd be up to their necks in sparks." Wabsworth smiled and held out his paw. Lapinette gave the machine back and he tucked it into his fur. "Let's find an enemy." The Wabbit laughed and laughed. Wabsworth was an android and didn't quite see things in the same way as the Wabbit. "We can't just conjure one up!" Wabsworth smiled a sickly smile. "Yes we can. There's one over there!" Without moving, the Wabbit's eyes flicked up to the top of the buildings. "Oh yes, I can see him. Do you have a plan?"

2. Wabsworth and the Ethics of Shocks

Wabsworth and the Wabbit caught up with Skratch at Porta Nuova Rail Station. With some stealth, Wabsworth crept up on Skratch, hailed him merrily and touched him. An electric shock coursed through Skratch's feline frame. The results were unexpected. Every bit of Skratch trembled and curled. He screeched loudly. "Yaaaaaaah!" The Wabbit was hiding behind a pillar and he was much amused. But when Skratch started to convulse and collapsed, he thought better of the joke. "Wabsworth are you certain about the voltage of that thing? Wabsworth looked back. "The man in the shop assured me it was safe for pranks." The Wabbit pondered as Skratch recovered. "What's the voltage and current?" Quick as a flash, Wabsworth replied, "About 9 volts and 10 milliamps." Skratch got back on his feet. "Wabsworth, did you connect that through your positronic circuitry?" Wabsworth's face fell. "I did." Skratch wasn't as angry as the Wabbit thought. "Well, they say that an electric shock once in a while is good for you. I could get to like it." Wabsworth leaned forward to give him another shock. "No!" yelled Skratch. He jumped back. "Like every fifty years," he hissed. The Wabbit was always alert to new weaponry. "Maybe we could adapt it for trapping our enemies." Skratch was appalled. "I don't think that's ethical." Wabsworth thought it was funny. "Ethics don't stop you playing with your enemies, letting them escape and trapping them again." "That's different," said Skratch, "it's ethical for cats." The Wabbit had an idea. "Let's ask Lapinette, she's well up on the ethics of enemies." They all agreed that was the best course of action. Carrying the joke electric shock machine, they set off in search of Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Alternative Shock

By prior arrangement, the Wabbit met Wabsworth, his android double, at the city gates. Wabsworth was grinning so the Wabbit knew he had something up his sleeve. The Wabsworth proffered his paw for a shake, but it was his left paw. The Wabbit braced himself as an electric shock coursed through his fur. He smiled through it and pretended it never happened. Wabsworth's face fell. "Didn't you feel it?" The Wabbit laughed "Feel what?" he smiled. His teeth were tingling, and his fur was full of static. "I got this electric shock machine at the joke shop," said Wabsworth, "and they assured me it was good." The Wabbit made a mental note to find the shop and give them a telling off. "I'm impervious," he said. Then he had an idea. "Let's find Lapinette and try it on her. I'm sure she'd find it amusing." Wabsworth wasn't certain and he shook his head. "I'm not so sure Wabbit, it might be a bad idea." The Wabbit thought for a second. "How about Tipsy?" Wabsworth pondered. "She's got a sense of humour but I'm not so sure it extends to electricity. She might shoot both of us." They both considered the matter further. "Skratch is a possibility," he murmured. Wabsworth brightened. "I'm sure he'd like it." The Wabbit managed to unstick his other paw from the iron gate. "He certainly loves a good joke." He and Wabsworth smiled to each other. "Let's shake on it," said the Wabbit. He put out his paw, but this time directed a small quantity of his quantum energy towards Wabsworth. Wabsworth blinked once and fell over. The Wabbit looked concerned but Wabsworth picked himself up and dusted off his fur. "Just kidding!"

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit and Lapinette were heading for an Adventure Caffè when three buskers caught their attention. But more amazing still was the fact that Wabsworth the android appeared to be with them. He clapped his paws in tune to the Bossa Nova beat and swayed back and forth. Lapinette looked delighted and clapped her hands too. The Wabbit looked sceptical. "Don't worry," said the lead singer, "he's improving our takings." "By a third," nodded another. Skratch suddenly appeared to their rear, and he waved a paw in greeting as they all swayed. "But this doesn't get us anywhere in determining what kind of Adventure we had," moaned the Wabbit. No one seemed to care. Skratch ventured a comment. "It was another one of your eco-dramas," he meaowed. The Wabbit took a paw out of his pocket and started to clap like everyone else. "I'm pleased it can be pigeon-holed so easily," he said. Lapinette didn't stop swaying. "It was perhaps one of these vertical semiotics which polices the boundaries between humans and nature." Wabsworth started to sing. "Underground, overground, we can see, impossible places made for you and me." He twirled around and clapped again. "We'll get no sense out of him this evening," said the Wabbit. Skratch looked pleased as he shuffled a feline dance. "Viewers experience a corporeal identification with the monstrous creatures portrayed." Lapinette shivered with delight. "Melting of corporeal boundaries," she cried. "The Wabbit decided to join in and he swayed with the rest. "Did someone say embrace the animal other?" Lapinette laughed. "Prosecco for the band - and for us!"
[Thanks to:  Green Film Criticism and its Futures. Ivan Ivakhiv]

7. The Wabbit and Planet Kepler 1649c

Out on Kepler 1649c, conditions weren't exactly like Earth. "Near as dammit," quipped the Wabbit. Pterosaurs flew around as if they owned the place. "Well done, Commander, you're as good as your word." The Wabbit blushed. "It was a joint effort." He and Lapinette scrambled in a ravine because they hadn't forgotten the main problem. The water on earth was getting hot and the Wabbit had a hunch about a something that might work. "I know there's betaine here, it's a natural coolant." he murmured. He rummaged in his fur and pulled out flasks. He tossed one to Lapinette and she scurried on paws and knees to fill them. "Just a little adjustment should do it, then we'll see." Lapinette helped all she could, but she commented, "This is strictly temporary Wabbit." The Wabbit gave her a wry look. "I'm the Wabbit. I do emergencies, not social policy." He glanced to the side. "Who's that toad?" The response was low and croaky. "I live here." The Wabbit and Lapinette grinned. "That's a very good sign," smiled Lapinette. "Toads are good for ecological balance." The Wabbit was quietly impressed. "You reduce the need for harsh pesticides." He nodded to himself. The toad nodded too. "And these flying things are not my natural competitors. They'll be company for me on this God-forsaken planet." The Wabbit and Lapinette wanted to laugh at his mournful tone, but were interrupted. "I'm such a clever toad," croaked the Toad. So the Wabbit fired off a question. "Do quasiperfect numbers exist?" The Toad nodded. "They do on this planet." 

[Background. Artists/s Impression (Daniel Ruffer) NASA. Toad  SV Klimkin, Pixabay]

6. The Wabbit's Search for Habitation

The Wabbit made a series of calls and before long they were zooming into space on Quantum the Time Travelling Train. Lapinette was content to merely watch because the Wabbit was searching for a suitable planet. He's gone further out than he planned because the pterosaurs couldn't agree on a suitable planet to make their home. He thought he'd find something out by Kepler - and Kepler 2c was an object of interest. But he looked and then shook his head. Lapinette articulated his thoughts "It's large but not that large." The Wabbit chortled and asked Quantum. Quantum crackled through the loudspeakers. "A bit rocky with mostly volatiles, Commander. It might not suit our guests." The Wabbit connected to the temporary cargo hold which held the Pterosaurs. "Does it sit well with you?" The intercom crackled with deep prehistoric voices. There was a bit of disagreement so the Wabbit intervened. "Well, we're here, we can go around." A pterosaur spoke up. "What about Kepler 2b?" Lapinette had her handbook of planets with her and this time she shook her head. "It's too close to Kepler. Hot as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat." The pterosaurs thought that very funny and they rolled about the cargo hold in helpless mirth. Lapinette leafed through her book. "The Keplers tend to get hotter and become gaseous." The Wabbit laughed at that. "They do smell like dinosaur fart." The pterosaurs were now hysterical. Quantum chuffed like a steam train. "Kepler 1694c might be the one! It's most like Earth." The Wabbit clicked his tongue. "Why didn't you say that in the first place." Quantum set a new course. He changed tack and everything shuddered as he engaged Lattice Drive. "You didn't ask." 

[Background. NASA]

5. The Wabbit and the Superga Summit

Somehow the Wabbit worked out where they were going and radioed ahead for fish. He just couldn't manage crunchy invertebrates - no one had them. They perched on the roof at Superga while the pterosaurs swooped. Soon they were all too busy munching to tell the Wabbit and Lapinette why they had brought them there. "Fine day," remarked the Wabbit. "Gnam gnam gnam gnam," slurped the Pterosaurs. "Care for some more fish," asked Lapinette, "it's all the way from Fregene." All they heard was crunching and slurping. The Wabbit mused to himself. "What on earth is this alarming thing we're supposed to hear." Wings fluttered round his ears. A pterosaur stopped eating for a second. "You can see it from here. Pollution." Lapinette blinked. "You don't have to tell us about pollution. We know that already." The third pterosaur - the one who seldom spoke - scrabbled on the brickwork. "We're from the past." Another pterosaur spoke. "And you've got good food here." Lapinette and the Wabbit nodded. "Stay as long as you like," said Lapinette, "but why is the water boiling?" The pterosaurs flapped their wings. "That's an intermittent effect - but it's going to get hotter. That's why we came." The multi-coloured pterosaur spoke. "It's getting cold where we are, but on the other hand we can see this time has its problems."  The Wabbit and Lapinette wondered how Turin might adapt to disgruntled Pterosaurs. "I could find you a suitable planet," speculated the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at him with a special look reserved for bad ideas. "Wabbit ..." The Wabbit was adamant. "It's only fifty light years from here. Bring all your pals ..." 
 [Picture of fish supper and fish dish at Pixabay]

4. The Wabbit and the Fish Supper

The Pterosaurs were headed somewhere. They flew across the city with Lapinette and the Wabbit in tow. The Wabbit didn't fancy falling from this height and he said so. "Quiet!" said his pterosaur. He struggled to get a better grip. Lapinette seemed to have a better hold. She twisted around to make it more secure. "Where are you taking us?" she demanded. "To get a better view," smiled her pterosaur. She shook her head. "I've got a good view, now put us down." The birds flew on and the far-off one called. "You can't see it, can you?" Lapinette answered tersely. "See what?" "The traffic haze," answered the bird. Down below, the River Po started to boil. "See what I mean," said the bird. The Wabbit was becoming frustrated. "Explain yourselves," he said. "It's global warming," they said together. "I thought I said that," responded the Wabbit. "I thought that was me," said Lapinette. But still the prehistoric birds flew on. "We'll show you more," they chanted. "We don't want to see any more," yelled the Wabbit. The slipstream clutched at his fur. Lapinette's dress was in danger of going over her head and she couldn't fix it without losing her grip. She tried to bribe them and it was close to successful. "Wouldn't you like to stop somewhere for a shellfish dinner?" "I would," said one. "We're not finished our job!" said another. "Do I have the casting vote? I vote for crunchy invertebrates!" said the third. "We'll see when we get there." The pterosaur who was ferrying the Wabbit seemed emphatic. "My vote's for a fish supper," shouted the Wabbit. That clinches it," said the third one. He veered left and the others followed ... 

[Pterosaur is by MW of Pixabay]

3. The Wabbit, Lapinette & the Pterosaurs

Lapinette and the Wabbit loped along Via Corte d'Appello in a hurry because it was raining and the Wabbit hated getting his fur wet. But it was more than raining. It was hot and steamy - almost tropical. Strange creatures walked along the street as if they belonged. The Wabbit stared at one of three enormous gekkos and tried to engage them in conversation. They weren't particularly communicative. They glowered at the Wabbit but that seemed normal because they glowered at each other too. A sudden arrival from above took Lapinette's attention. Three prehistoric birds swooped and hovered. The Wabbit looked up. "I don't like the look of these pterodactyls" he said. Lapinette tried to swipe one away, but it wouldn't desist. "Neither do I," she said, "but they're technically pterosaurs." They hovered lower and lower until both the Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves in the grip of strong talons. "They're not supposed to have these. It's only in films." Lapinette had taken an evening course in prehistoric times, but the pterosaurs didn't care. They gripped their victims and tried to lift them. "Get off!" shouted the Wabbit. The third one came down to help. "Come with us!" said the multi-coloured pterosaur. "We have something to show you," said the beige one. It grabbed the Wabbit's fur. The Wabbit yelled, "Hey leave the fur alone, it's not paid for." But his protestations fell on deaf ears. Both the Lapinette and the Wabbit were hoisted through the air and carried far across the city.  "I thought you didn't have talons," shouted the Wabbit. "Everyone's a pesky know-all," said a pterosaur.

[Gekko and pterosaur by Cindy Lever Pixabay]

2. The Wabbit and the Three Hot Frogs

Lapinette took the Wabbit to the Dora where the boiling had occurred. It wasn't too far and the Wabbit was happy to amble. He could see it from a distance because a heat haze distorted everything. The water looked very hot at a particular spot and the Wabbit gazed at it for some time. He could make out some activity. He focussed his special glasses - and what he saw made him chuckle. There were three rather large frogs in the water. He pointed them out to Lapinette and now she could also see them. They croaked and croaked in greeting. The Wabbit had a universal translator although it usually took a good hard knock to get it going. "Hello frogs," he said, "I haven't seen you here before." The frog at the front took the initiative. "We came here for the heat." The second frog was more forthcoming. "Were on our holidays." Lapinette spoke in a voice she felt was reassuring. "You're not responsible for the water boiling?" The frogs did a little dance by linking their fingers and going round and round. "Good gracious no. Nothing to do with us." The Wabbit felt he was getting nowhere. "Who put you onto it?" The frogs continued to dance. "The frog tourist board said there was a lovely river," said one frog. "With hot currents," added another. "We set out immediately," said the third frog. The Wabbit thought he was getting closer to a solution - at least he could solve the frog problem. "Where from exactly?" he chirped. "Mexico," said a frog. The Wabbit thought about it. "Did you come through a cenote?" Lapinette chipped in. "It's not possible. Cenotes aren't so big." But a frog nodded gravely. "That's what you think."

[Frog by Alexis at Pixabay]

1. The Wabbit and the Quiet Reverie

The Wabbit was hopping along, intent on his own thoughts. He'd just come from John the Baptist Cathedral where he'd enjoyed a crafty nap. He was still half napping when a familiar voice disturbed his reverie. "Hello Wabbit, you look half asleep." Lapinette rounded the corner. She was full of beans and just bouncing along. The Wabbit shook himself and pretended he was feeling normal. "Oh, hello Lapinette, I was just admiring the cloisters." Lapinette knew he was doing nothing of the kind. "You've seen them before, Wabbit." The Wabbit wished he hadn't had that nap. "Aren't the colours nice?" he said. "Very nice," sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit chortled. "I don't suppose you bring news of secret orders." The Wabbit always got like this between missions. He really wanted to be doing something although he knew he'd complain when he heard. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Oh no!" said the Wabbit. He paused. "Never a moment of peace," he added. He shook his head like a donkey. Lapinette pouted. "The Department says you have to tidy up your desk, it's a disgrace." The Wabbit laughed. "That can certainly wait. There's nothing in the way of monsters I suppose? Just paperwork?" Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "You haven't written the expected reports. You're five missions behind." "Plenty of time," said the Wabbit. He was beginning to wake up. Lapinette gave him a sideways glance. "I heard tell of some unexpected occurrences on the River Dora." "Nothing unusual in that," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at him out the corner of her eye. "Well, the water started to boil." The Wabbit looked sceptical. "Did anyone make tea?" 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The ghost had appeared at the Adventure Caffè. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He still had a cup of espresso and was offering it around. "So this is your famous Adventure Caffè Commander Wabbit? Care for a coffee?" The Wabbit could see the coffee had congealed into a lump, and the cup and saucer was held together with glue. Skratch looked on in horror. The Wabbit grinned. "I suppose you'll let us have your ghostly analysis?" The ghost grinned. He found it hard not to. "I wouldn't dare presume." Skratch took the opportunity to have his say. "The main aim of the horror story is to produce spine curdling shock. Chill the blood too." Wabsworth snorted. "Surely that's not all." Skratch meaowed ferociously. "Our friend here," He gestured to the ghost, "can probably enlighten us as to the semiotics of the Zombie lineage." The ghost gnashed his considerable teeth. "We must in this case look to the semiosphere." Lapinette rapped on the table. "Cultural explosions I say! The zombie has historically proved more than capable of addressing contingent societal issues." Wabsworth was not to be outdone. "The zombie tale has an astonishing evolutionary speed." The ghost grimaced. "Not even ghosts can keep up. I'm afraid we're rather hidebound in our ways." The Wabbit flinched. "Would you say it pointed to our increasing feelings of lack of control in society?" Lapinette pouted. "Always changing and ever-threatening, we are endangered constantly." Now the Wabbit leaned across to the ghost. "Can you still scare up some drinks?" The ghost nodded and gently intoned in a wavering voice, "The Thirsting."

[The Wabbit team is indebted to the discursive paper by Ryan Lizzardi (2009), The Zombie Media Monster, Evolution as a Sign and Historical Allegory.]

9. Tipsy and the Last of the Zombies

Susan flew over the last of the zombies. Everything seemed to be in paw. Lapinette's personal guard had the zombie tethered and Tipsy hung round his neck - although how she got there, no-one knew. "Can I keep him?" she yelled. The Wabbit drew the line. "Tipsy, you cannot keep a zombie." Tipsy yelled and whooped. "Why not?" The zombie raised his head. "You'll never take me alive!" Tipsy screamed with laughter and hugged his neck. The Wabbit shrugged and shook his head from side to side. Skratch looked up. "Wabbit, what happened to the flying zombie?" Lapinette shrugged this time. "Dead and gone." Skratch's eyes shot up. "Tipsy?" he asked. Lapinette nodded with a grim look. "She frightens me," meaowed Skratch. "She frightens all of us," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. It was always best to humour Tipsy. "Tipsy, just don't let him out to roam the streets." The Wabbit pondered. "Didn't she keep one of the slithering worms?" Lapinette nodded again. The Wabbit shuddered at the thought. But Lapinette was keeping count. "She also kept that Tiger that came at Christmas." The Wabbit grimaced. "His name was Baekho. How on earth does she feed them all?" "I don't ask," said Lapinette. Wabsworth seemed to have inside knowledge. "She feeds them prisoners." Lapinette's fur stood on end. "Just joking!" said Wabsworth. He shook with mirth. The zombie gave a yell. "I like brains!" The Wabbit gave a brief laugh. "Most people are safe then."

8. The Wabbit and the City of Zombies

Lapinette and the Wabbit scurried to the airfield where they kept Susan and before long they flew over the stricken city. There were zombies everywhere. But Lapinette spotted their friendly ghosts - they were making short work of any zombies they could find. Lapinette loosed off a volley from her snazer gun. Zombies fell and were pounced upon by the three ghosts. A shout from the Wabbit alerted Lapinette to the giant winged zombie. "He must have followed us," yelled the Wabbit. From a nearby building, Tipsy descended, bearing her edged weapon. She slit the winged zombie's throat as if it was a slice of rump steak. Blood spurted and he slowly collapsed. The ghost dog fell on him with sharp teeth - and in two seconds he was so much dog food. Tipsy roamed the streets, followed by the ghost. Her knife flashed and the ghost followed her up. Susan's wing caught a zombie's head and soon it was rolling in the street like a soccer ball. Lapinette kicked it without compunction. "Goal," she cried. The zombies were thinning out and soon they were all gone. "Just one thing to do," said the Wabbit. The giant zombie was still at large and had trapped the rest of the team. "Let's go get him," said Lapinette. Susan wheeled round and darted across the city, leaving a trail of vapour. Tipsy and the ghosts followed her. "How shall I deal with the giant zombie?" asked Susan. "Fly round and round him until he's sick," said the Wabbit. "It'll be all over town!" said Lapinette. Then they laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Background picture: [Harry Currens Pixabay]

7. The Wabbit and the Giant Zombies

The plan had been this. The Wabbit and Lapinette were to draw the zombies out at the bridge. The rest of the team, together with the ghosts, were to cut them off at the Via Sacchi end. The ghosts were then to do their thing and the team would mop up and sanitise everything on behalf of the city. That wasn't to be. The Wabbit and Lapinette blocked the bridge with vehicles - and they thought it would be enough. But when the zombies turned up, they were huge. One was bigger than giants in fairy tales and the other was a winged creature from Revelations. Flesh dripped from their bones. The bridge turned a curious mottled shade a bit like the zombies. "Good grief," yelled the Wabbit, "They're monsters!" He grabbed Lapinette's paw and pulled her. She was all for facing them out. "You can't fight them!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette loosed off a few rounds of her snazer gun, but nothing happened. A few pieces of flesh flew into the air and just as soon reattached. They snarled ferociously and still they kept coming. "OK, I suppose so," she pouted reluctantly. She turned to run with the Wabbit. "What happened to the plan?" she asked as she ran. "All plans are off," shrieked the Wabbit. He looked behind him. The zombies seemed to have stopped to munch a few unfortunates who chose to cross the bridge that day. "Let's regroup," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette turned back again as one of the zombies mouthed something. "It's talking to us," yelled the Wabbit. "I think it said it will mince us into pies," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit ran faster. "It's just not Christmas."

[Zombies by JuliusGronkievicz, Jule 55 at Pixabay]

6. The Wabbit and the Ghost's Lair

Lapinette and the Wabbit followed the ghost to his lair, which lay in a distant part of Torino, adjacent to the river. The ghost gave a single whistle. To Lapinette's astonishment and the Wabbit's horror another skeleton and a ghostly dog appeared. "These are my familiars," said the Ghost. He offered both of them espressos from under his cloak. "They will dispense with the zombies, if I give them enough coffee of course." The dog slavered and the skeleton chortled. "The Wabbit was sceptical. "Just these two?"  The ghost chortled too. "Just us three, Zombies are merely the undead. We are well and truly dead." "As doornails," said the skeleton. He gave a sinister laugh. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. Lapinette looked back. "It's what we got," she shrugged. "We need a plan, said the Wabbit. "I'll round up the rest of the team. We move at my command." The ghost wrinkled his bony nose. "You'll bring plenty of coffee," he insisted. The Wabbit and Lapinette headed back to the truck. The ghost patted the ghostly dog's head. "Be patient my beauty, there's plenty of coffee on its way. The Wabbit got in the truck and Lapinette followed. "I'm uncertain of our allies," he said. Lapinette grimaced. "They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The Wabbit stamped on the throttle. "Within stabbing distance you mean?"  They turned and looked back, but the ghost and his pals had gone. "Where do we get the coffee?" asked the Wabbit. "I have a supplier," said Lapinette, "He grinds fine." 

5. The Wabbit and the Espresso Ghost

Tipsy and the rest of the crew scoured the city for more zombies but acting on an undercover report the Wabbit and Lapinette sped to Crocetta Market. It seemed cold. Even frosty. But what they saw weren't zombies. It was a bona fide ghost. This was a different kettle of fish and no mistake. The ghost walked up and down and bore a single espresso cup. "Fill my vessel," it moaned, "fill it now." The Wabbit decided that direct action was the only way to approach the matter. He prodded the ghost on its skeleton claw. "Perhaps we can be of assistance?" The ghost laid its other claw on Lapinette's head. Lapinette shuddered but didn't utter a sound. "The zombies have taken all the coffee," moaned the ghost. "All of it. All of it. Nothing left for a poor ghost like me." Lapinette signalled to the Wabbit. "This one's not with the others." The Wabbit nodded while steering the ghost along. "Let's get your coffee back," he whispered. The ghost whimpered. "I have no truck with the undead. I'll buy my coffee like anyone else." He produced a crumpled 2000 lire note. "That won't get you very far," said the Wabbit, "when did you die?" The ghost gave a terrible wail. "Some long time past." Lapinette had an idea. Ghosts had some native wit but zombies had none. "Maybe you could help us with our zombie problem." The skeleton became animated. "By scaring them?" He held his arms aloft and wiggled his fingers. "Boo!" he shouted "Boo boo boo!" His coffee cup went flying in the air and then he caught both cup and saucer with a single deft move. "That raised your spirits," said the Wabbit. 

[skeleton figure by G.Janson Pixabay]