Friday, July 31, 2015

13. The Wabbit's Finance Restitution

A clapping of wings heralded Parakalo the Dove. He hurtled to their meeting place from the best blue sky he could arrange at short notice. At exactly the same time, the Wabbit and Lapinette shimmered in from a productive past. Parakalo felt obliged to be formal, so he spread his wings and hovered. The Wabbit opened the bag. "I'm returning what rightfully belongs here." Parakalo cooed softly. "To whom shall I deliver it?" A silence fell and then the Wabbit murmured. "I trust your judgement in the matter." "How much is there?" asked Parakalo. "Enough to run a country for a while," said Lapinette, who had made a careful note of the amount, denominations and serial numbers. "There's only one thing," said the Wabbit with a grimace. Another silence fell. "Money's like a gun," he said. "It smells of its history." Lapinette thought that was very sage but Parakalo merely sniffed. "I can smell hot dogs, Bratwurst to be exact." "So can I," sniffed Lapinette. "It must have got on my fur," sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette was thoughtful. "The Dinosaur Fund got caught up in something smellier than we thought." "The road to smell is paved with good intentions," said the Wabbit. Lapinette gave a wry grin. "But we had to go to smell and back." Parakalo looked serious. "Now the banks have got smell to pay." Then they looked at each other and laughed and laughed.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

12. The Wabbit makes Good Time

Just as the Wabbit and Arson Fire jumped on board, Quantum departed. With Captain Jenny on the footplate there were no half measures. Quantum flipped to Slipstream Drive and the city dissolved to a sea of banks and beer cellars. "Let's get out of here?" shrugged the Wabbit. Lapinette watched until things stopped shimmering. "It's our money?" "Sure is," said the Wabbit. "How much?" asked Lapinette. "I haven't counted," said the Wabbit ... and he sniffed. "But there's another smell. It's familar." Arson Fire barked once. "Aaargos." The Wabbit paused because Arson Fire was more than he seemed. "The money smells of Argos, the hound," said Arson. The Wabbit wheeled round and yelled down the corridor. "Set new course 132'." Jenny's voice echoed back. "What day?" "Same time as we left," said the Wabbit. "But where are we going now?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit stamped a foot. "We're returning the money that isn't ours." Only Arson Fire appeared to have a clue what on earth was going on and he watched the Wabbit intently. "Wabsworth!" shouted the Wabbit. "Get Parakalo on the blower." "No can do," yelled Jenny from the footplate, "we're in slipstream." The Wabbit sighed. "Drop out, we're still in last week." Quantum's engines whined to a halt and they hung somewhere vague as the Wabbit spoke to Parakalo, the dove. "I wasn't expecting a call, Commander," he cooed, "where are you speaking from?" "Last Tuesday," said the Wabbit.
[Argos is Odysseus faithful dog, a greyhound.]

Monday, July 27, 2015

11. The Wabbit and the Money Kitchen

The Wabbit burst through the door at the top of the stairs. Arson Fire scampered to the far end of the kitchen and maintained a low growl as the Wabbit pointed his automatic at the boss sausage. Two sausage henchmen looked unfazed and continued to launder what money they had. But the boss was furious and he yelled, "Don't you know who I am?" "You're a silly sausage," remarked the Wabbit. He sniffed the air. "You have something of mine." He sniffed again. "and something of someone else too." The boss sausage snarled. "I'm Hit Sausage and it all belongs to me," Arson Fire laughed with a howling that equalled the Hound of the Baskervilles and notes flew around as the Wabbit savagely kicked the bag. "All this money in one container isn't safe but I'll take the risk." He seized the bag and backed towards the door. Hit Sausage started after the Wabbit, but Arson Fire got in his way and bit him on the nose. "Aaagh, get them!" yelled the Boss. But his henchmen were too cooked. "They're the Extra Wurst," shrugged the Wabbit and he fired a few rounds into the ceiling because he thought it might be fun. Together with Arson Fire he barked and barked hs way to the street. Arson Fire slithered to a halt. "Where now Commander?" "We have a train to catch," said the Wabbit. "I'm hungry," said Arson Fire. "You had sausages," laughed the Wabbit. The city echoed to pounding paws, as they vanished with enormous speed. "This bag's heavy," yelled the Wabbit. "We'll buy a trolley," barked Arson Fire.

Friday, July 24, 2015

10. The Wabbit and the Hot Dog Club

It was quieter than expected. Soft piano jazz mixed with a chinking of glasses and money. "Members?" asked the barman with the top hat. "We're temporary," said Arson Fire. "Just passing through," said the Wabbit. The barman puffed at a cigar the size of a sausage. "Check in your hot dogs here." "Grrrrr grrr grrr," snarled Arson Fire. The barman didn't bat an eyelid. "As long as you're here, your money's here." "Just the job!" said the Wabbit. "You can certainly help us. We're looking for a special hot dog consignment." "What kind of special?" asked the barman. "Sentimental value," smiled the Wabbit. He hopped over to the pianist and pulled from his fur the lunch vouchers he'd saved for his vacation. "No elevator music," he whispered. The pianist hit the keys with vigour. "Think I'll come around," he crooned. "... when the money's gone." Arson Fire kept a firm grip of his hot dog and barked at the barman. "Perhaps you saw a hot dog liquidisation?" The barman leaned back. "The Hot Dog Laundry. It books work outings here. The staff like hot dog smoothies." Arson Fire looked at the Wabbit in horror but the Wabbit merely smiled and hopped close to the barman. "What better," he drawled, "than the slow release of hot dog fibre into the bloodstream?" The barman found himself staring at the wrong end of an automatic. "For the sake of your health," said the Wabbit, "tell us where to find the Laundry brigade." The barman merely gestured with his head. "Upstairs ..."

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

9. The Wabbit and El Dorado's Place

In a less than salubrious location, the Wabbit and Arson Fire approached a premises known as El Dorado. But locals knew it variously as the Golden Handshake, the Golden Digger and the Golden Parachute. The hostess hardly looked at them and effected a special interest in polishing glasses. "Name?" she barked. "Wabbit," replied the Wabbit. The hostess paused. "Going?" The Wabbit frowned and nodded, "inside." The hostess flicked her hair. "Stay?" "Brief, "said the Wabbit. "Hmmph," said the hostess and she turned to Arson Fire. "Name?" "Arse," blinked Arson Fire. The hostess nodded approvingly and spoke gently. "Business?" Arson shook his head. "Pleasure." He blinked some more. "Stay?" asked the hostess, fluttering her eyes. "Indefinite," said Arson. The hostess turned to give the Wabbit a withering glance. "Credit?" The Wabbit was about to say 'cash', but Arson Fire interrupted. "Undated Government Hot Dogs." "Now that," said the hostess, "will do very nicely indeed." She looked from Arson to the Wabbit and then her eyes flicked back. "Are you vouching for the strange furry one?" "I take care of him," said Arson. The hostess nodded again. "Any weapons?" The Wabbit patted his fur and adopted a lop sided grin that usually worked. "Just a Makarov automatic." The hostess smiled for the first time. "You might need it in here ..."

Monday, July 20, 2015

8. The Wabbit and the Golden Sausage

Acting without any particular authority, Jenny, Skratch and Wabsworth seized the Riverboat and sailed to Bamberg to pick up the Wabbit. There the Wabbit searched in his fur, then grabbed the sausage with a pair of cooking tongs. Streams of flame shot from Arson Fire and enveloped it - but nothing happened. The Wabbit nodded. "The sausage is gold all right." "You want hotter heat?" asked Arson Fire." "How hot can you get?" asked Lapinette. "Prrrropane hot," said the greyhound. "Too destructive," said the Wabbit as he peered for markings. And there they were -  999, Frankfurt am Main, 2015. The Wabbit mused. "My Dinosaur Fund got diverted." Lapinette started to hum a song and the Wabbit picked it up. "Gold, Gold, Gold, they just gotta have that gold." Lapinette kept her eyes on the golden sausage. "They'll do anything for gold, won't they?" The Wabbit sniffed and shook his head. "Not this gold." Arson Fire barked suddenly. "Why not?" "Because it still has a trace of Dinosaur Fund." The Wabbit suddenly whacked the gold sausage with his tongs. Sonorous music rang out and played a familiar snatch from Taxman Blues. Now the Wabbit's teeth flashed in a sinister smile. "One thing about gold is - you gotta dig it!" He snapped a paw and laid down the golden sausage to let it cool. "Where to Commander?" called Jenny. "El Dorado?" shrugged the Wabbit.

Friday, July 17, 2015

7. The Wabbit and the Bankers' Run

It all happened in an instant. Without waiting, the Wabbit grabbed the Trophy and Lapinette seized her winnings. Give a Flux, the white greyhound, snatched what he could and Arson Fire tightened his grip on his hot dog. "Run!" shouted the Wabbit and he loped off at speed. "What odds?" gasped the Wabbit. "Hundrrred to One," barked Arson Fire, "can we keep the Trophy? I won it." "It's quite awful," yelled Lapinette. "And it weighs a ton," yelled the Wabbit. Not far behind, Woof Hearted soared through the streets "What's that brrratwurst made of?" he growled. So the Wabbit sniffed, then sniffed again. "It smells ... of my Dinosaur Fund." He knew at that instant what it was - because the Trophy was much too heavy and sturdy for a competition prize. "It's gold," said the Wabbit. "It's probably a Good Delivery Bratwurst," suggested Lapinette. "Look, I'm not a Chinese take away," scoffed the Wabbit. "That's gold bullion to go," replied Lapinette. Even at the Wabbit's considerable velocity, Lapinette could see his brow knit into a ball. "Four hundred golden ounces in the shape of a sausage." The Wabbit clasped the Trophy fiercely to his fur and quickened his pace. "How much do you think?" "Half a million," gasped Lapinette. The Wabbit loped faster. "Let's find some quiet spot." "What then?" asked Arson Fire. "We cook the sausage," said the Wabbit.
[Banker is slang for a greyhound that regularly delivers wins.]

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

6. The Wabbit & the Bratwurst Trophy

The greyhounds gathered in Nürnberg for the start of the big race. During preparations, they talked of current affairs and the high cost of tripe. But when the Tannoy crackled, they crouched in their starting positions and waited silently. Without warning, smoke burst from Lapinette's automatic and the dogs took off like rockets. Arson Fire belched flame and took a slim lead, but the others gained ground. "It's Arson Fire by a nose, as they go into the far turn," said the Tannoy, "then it's Give a Flux, then Woof Hearted." The Wabbit watched with wry amusement because Arson Fire still had the hot dog between its teeth. "How much did you wager?" asked Lapinette. "Just a flutter," said the Wabbit. "Five euro straight bet on Arson Fire." Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "Treble Forecast ... Arson, Woof then Flux." "How much?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled as she watched Arson Fire clear the back straight, then chuckled as Woof Hearted charged past Give a Flux. "A month's salary." "Winnings incurred on official Departmental business," shrugged the Wabbit, "are to be submitted with relevant paperwork." "This is a private job," said Lapinette, mentally counting her winnings. The Tannoy boomed.  "Arson Fire first, Woof Hearted second and Give a Flux third." "Bravo," shouted Lapinette and she threw her arms in the air. It was then that the Tannoy crackled. "Owing to a hot dog distraction, the judges are reviewing the race ... "
[Flutter: (UK) A minor bet for amusement. Tannoy: a Scottish trade name, which gave it's name to large space loudspeaker systems ]

Monday, July 13, 2015

5. The Wabbit and a Dog called Fire

On the advice of the Captain, the Wabbit and Lapinette scaled a tall steeple in the suburb of Haarschnitt. There was a chance they might spot Arson Fire, the greyhound. But just as they were about to give up, they heard a snarl and smelled combustion. "Er-ow wow wow. Er ow wow wow," said Arson Fire in with a combination of growls and vowels. The giant hot dog remained clenched in the greyhound's teeth and flame streamed continuously from its rear end. The Wabbit was clueless about what to do next, so he made a strange whistling noise and said, "Here boy." This met with a terrifying snarl as Arson Fire gripped the hot dog tightly. So the Wabbit called across to Lapinette. "What did he say?" Lapinette looked Arson Fire in the eyes then said, "He wants to know if you have any raw green tripe."  Lapinette was often good at strange things and the Wabbit knew better than to ask. "He'd like to know your name, strange furry one," said Lapinette. The Wabbit stared at the greyhound. "Wabsy," he said, "May I call you Arse?" Arson Fire sighed and turned to Lapinette. "I'm in a rrrrrace." "Wow er wow wow ... wow?" asked Lapinette. "The Brrrrratwurst Challenge in Nürrrrrnberg," woofed Arson Fire, "I'm betting on myself to win." "Is that allowed?" barked Lapinette. "It's not barrrred," said Arson Fire, "and I'm going to clean up." "Odds?" Lapinette made a dog sound between her teeth. "No-one knows me," grunted Arson Fire," "I'll get a hundrrrred to one." The Wabbit ran some math and smiled. "Consider us promoters..."

Friday, July 10, 2015

4. The Wabbit and the Riverboat Affair

It was a chilly day in Frankfurt and the wind from the Main ruffled the Wabbit's fur. While Jenny interviewed passengers, Wabsworth spoke quietly to the Captain and relayed conversation directly to the Wabbit. The radio crackled with tales of unusual events and there had been several. But the Captain sounded adamant. "Yes, it was ein Hund," he grumbled. "Didn't have a ticket so I asked the dog to pay right then." Wabsworth gave the Captain an enquiring look and slipped him 2 lunch vouchers. The Captain leaned on the rail and talked. "He wanted to pay with an undated Government hot dog." Wabsworth started back in mock surprise. "Ja," said the Captain, "but I had no change for anything that big." "Where did the dog go?" The Captain thought for a second. "He was for Haarschnitt searching - and I said I'd drop him off," "And did you?" murmured Wabsworth. "Well," said the Captain, "when we got to Haarschnitt, he just jumped off and paddled - with the hot dog in his teeth, yet." Wabsworth pretended to be amazed. "Did this Wunderhund have a name?" "Ja," said the Captain, "and it was ein guter name. His name was Flammen. Arsch in Flammen." "Arson Fire," breathed Wabsworth and he looked up at the Wabbit. The Wabbit made an incomprehensible gesture so Wabsworth shrugged and turned. "One last thing. How much was the Government hot dog worth?" The Captain let out a nautical bellow. "€250 billion." Wabsworth heard a muffled crash as the Wabbit dropped his radio ...

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

3. The Wabbit and the Smell of Money

The Wabbit sniffed. All his funds were impregnated with a clinging odour and no matter how they transformed, they kept the smell. In a dingy neighbourhood in Amsterdam known as Brievenbus, the team was hot on the spoor. The Wabbit peered suspiciously at the advertising and shook his head. The truck was as Italian as Advocaat and the language was choice. So the Wabbit nodded and Tipsy perked her head above the counter. "Gilt flavour hot dogs please." "We don't have none," said the vendor, "a bunch of German tourists have been and gone and bought the lot." "Oh dear," said Tipsy, "where were they from?" "Frankfurt," said the vendor. "At's where I gets me 'ot dogs." Tipsy's eyes revolved three times. "Look into my eyes," she crooned, "and tell me why any sane Frankfurter would take hot dogs home." The vendor's eyes swirled too. "It was a special delivery and I puts 'em asides and waits." Wabsworth drew close. "Tax office, I demand to see your accounts for the last week!" "I only poor Italiano," said the Vendor. "I no know what you say." "Voglio le ricevute degli hot dog," yelled the Wabbit. The vendor's eyes went blank. Tipsy grabbed a dog eared notebook and flicked through it. "Hot Dog Laundry and Liquidisation, GmbH, Haarschnitt." The Wabbit looked at Tipsy. "How did you get here anyway?" "I'm a stowaway," said Tipsy. "You're working your passage," smiled the Wabbit.
[Brievenbus : Dutch. Letterbox ; Haarschnitt: German. Haircut]

Monday, July 06, 2015

2. The Wabbit and the Time less Taken

The cab door slammed shut. "I need you for a mission, Quantum." The Wabbit figured he could find his missing funds by going back in time. But he wanted to go alone and so alerted no-one, certainly not Quantum the Time Travelling Train. The Wabbit saw the regulator swing and felt engines vibrate - slowly at first, then at speed. Outside, the city warped round the train then streets and buildings flickered past like snow in a blizzard. The Wabbit smiled. He'd expected some trouble - at the very least a demand for a requisition order. "I know you don't like short time hops, Quantum. And this is only a matter of weeks." "I'm all prepared," said Quantum, "So rest easy. It's organised." The Wabbit was nonplussed but Quantum laughed. "The paperwork is done and you'll find it on the windscreen shelf." "We'll have to stop for supplies," said the Wabbit. "Taken care of," said Quantum. "There's a stock of salad sandwiches, coffee and a supply of hard and soft drinks in the fridge." "How the binky did you know?" asked the Wabbit. "The team told me." "The team?" sighed the Wabbit. "Your team," said Quantum. The Wabbit hopped up and down on the footplate. "Where are they now?" "In the dining car," said Quantum. "Who?" demanded the Wabbit. "Lapinette," said Quantum. The Wabbit waited. "... and Skratch and Wabsworth." "Is that the lot?" groaned the Wabbit. "Captain Jenny," added Quantum. The Wabbit smiled and gave up. "They'd better have valid tickets."

Friday, July 03, 2015

1. The Wabbit and the Finance Haircut

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette hopped along Corso Raffaello on their way to lunch. "Any news from the Department?" asked the Wabbit. "Not officially," said Lapinette. The Wabbit pondered for a bit. "Trouble?" "Trouble with tassels on," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened but Lapinette didn't. "I'm afraid it's your Dinosaur Fund." The Wabbit's face fell. His Dinosaur Fund was strictly unofficial and provided vital resources for unorthodox missions of the Wabbit's choosing. "I'd hoped it was building up again," he said. "It took a haircut," said Lapinette, "but no-one knows where." The Wabbit's brain was churning. "It was delivered to a letterbox in the Netherlands in undated government gilts." "Check," said Lapinette. "From there it was couriered to a sausage company in Frankfurt and liquidised." "The hot dog route," nodded Lapinette. The Wabbit allowed himself a cautious smile. "A digital transfer should have taken it to Donchester Dog Races where Arson Fire was certain to clean up." Lapinette grinned. "He did and the winnings were considerable. They made their way to the London Borough of Rottingfish for overnight deposit." The Wabbit groaned. "Where is it now?" Lapinette pouted. "It's back, what's left of it." "How much?" sighed the Wabbit weakly. "Twelve euro and ten cent," replied Lapinette. "That's not a hair cut, we've been pumped, scalped and dumped," yelled the Wabbit.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

9. The Wabbit and Prison Reform

The Wabbit hadn't the faintest idea what to do with the prisoner and he grinned wryly to himself. The Wabbit didn't hold with prisons, because he thought they didn't work. But in a medieval building known only to the Wabbit and close associates, he maintained a detention room. "I hope your treatment has been satisfactory," he announced. The Shaman sighed. His batteries were depleted and he wished he'd used solar cells instead. "Did you enjoy the detention movie of the week?" chirped the Wabbit. "I'm tired of the Great Escape," retorted the Shaman. The Wabbit played with the Force Field switch and made it crackle - which was the full extent of its effectiveness. He had built it in his shed and it simply didn't work. Nonetheless, the Shaman shrank back. So the Wabbit had an idea. "Have you thought of trying show business?" The Shaman shook his head. "You could pull yourself out of your own hat," suggested the Wabbit. The Shaman thought about it. "Is there any money in it?" "You can print your own money," said the Wabbit, "it's really all the rage." "What about flashing lights?" said the Shaman. "You'll have to come with a warning!" laughed the Wabbit and he hopped straight through his force field and sat down. The Shaman watched as the Wabbit showed him three cards, one of them the Queen of Hearts. The Wabbit slowly placed them face down. Suddenly paws and cards blurred, then stopped. "Now," asked the Wabbit, "what happened to the Lady?"