Monday, September 22, 2014

The Wabbit and the Issue of Nothing

Lapinette and the Wabbit took cover behind an old farm building as the light creatures sailed around in formation. "What's happening?" yelled the Wabbit. "The Quantum Parabolas are merging!" shouted Lapinette. "Stay clear!" "But they're made of nothing!" The Wabbit was exasperated, "How can nothing merge?" Lapinette shouted back really hard because the sound of the dancing Parabolas was piercing and yet somehow it didn't exist. Her ears tingled. "Nothing isn't really nothing!" she screamed, "in the quantum universe nothing is always something!" Now the Wabbit had a clue and his ears bent back and his fur crawled. "Everything that can happen, does happen," whistled Parakalo. The sound cut through like crystal and the Wabbit found time to shrug. "Why does it always happen to me?" he murmured. Lapinette shook her head because she knew that things did happen to the Wabbit. She felt he was a magnet for dubious phenomena and occasionally pointed it out. "No wonder you can't have a holiday!" she pouted. The Wabbit was feeling strange. "Yes, we must go on holiday,"  he yelled. Lapinette was beginning to feel most peculiar. "We're going on Friday," she said. "What day is today?" asked the Wabbit in a dazed voice. Parakalo was feeling strange too. "The day before yesterday," he cooed. Suddenly the Parabolas became one enormous entity and with a curious liquid plop, faded until there was nothing. "Nothing comes of nothing," said the Wabbit.

Friday, September 19, 2014

The Wabbit, Lapinette and Nothing

Suddenly they were there. Light creatures floated around the dovecote and went inside. But they kept coming. More and more creatures appeared until the sky was thick with gold. "If we're going to do it," said the Wabbit, "it had better be now." They turned and ran. Without taking aim, Lapinette fired casually over her shoulder and tracer rounds poured from her automatic in a single stream. "Yikes," yelled the Wabbit, "what happens next?" "You rabbits are good fun," trilled Parakalo. His wings beat so fast that whistling noises echoed around the rocks. "The light creatures will be caught in a crossfire," shouted Lapinette. "They'll disappear," "Didn't you say they were made of nothing?" panted the Wabbit. "Exactly." said Lapinette. "Nothing is exactly what we're doing." The Wabbit looked bamboozled, but quickened his pace. "Supposing something does happen?" Lapinette started to bound. "We could all be thrust into an alternate universe." "Filled with nothing," added Parakalo. "You catch on fast," observed the Wabbit, who hadn't the slightest clue. He started to bound too and with each bound he wished he hadn't missed his quantum mechanics class, having instead gone to the library to read Jean Paul Sartre. "What do you prefer?" he bellowed, "being or nothingness?" "I think I prefer to be Lapinette," shouted Lapinette.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Wabbit and the Solar Plan

With a specially built dovecote and a few items garnered from a small yard in Volax that only Parakalo knew about, the Wabbit and Lapinette surveyed their handiwork. "Do you think it will work?" smiled the Wabbit. "Oh ye of little faith," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit was already mouthing Lapinette's reply but he glanced away in case of trouble. "Do you have a name for it?" he asked. "SunSol" said Lapinette. "Sounds like orange juice," said the Wabbit. "You'll be juice in a minute," laughed Lapinette. Parakalo cooed softly and his wings made a whirring sound. "Here they come," he said. The Wabbit looked into the sky and screwed up his eyes. "They took the bait," he murmured. "Just as planned," said Lapinette. "They aren't awfully bright," commented the Wabbit. Lapinette squinted into a corner of a cloud. "I said they were dangerous, I didn't mention brains." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "They won't like it when they go Kaboom." "They're made of Nothing," said Lapinette. "They've got nothing to go Kaboom with." "No Kaboom?" sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled a smile that the Wabbit found particularly sinister. "If things go wrong Wabbit, it's us that will go Kaboom!" Parakalo made a short coo, followed by two longer ones. "They're getting closer." Lapinette took out her automatic. "What's that for?" asked the Wabbit. "Consider it my remote control," said Lapinette.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Wabbit & the Fantastic Wedding

They gathered at the church and assembled into a traditional group. Robot adopted a special voice, which he had learned from recorded ceremonies and commenced with gusto. "Dearly beloved," he intoned. "We are gathered to join this rabbit and this cat in matrimony." The Wabbit looked with wonder. "Is there anyone here," said Robot solemnly, "who knows of any cause or impediment why these two may not be joined together?" The Wabbit looked across at Lapinette and flinched as she shot him a warning glance. Robot raised his metallic voice. "If ye do, confess it!" Silence fell apart from the faint cooing of Parakalo the Dove. Robot continued. "Skratch, wilt thou have this rabbit as your wedded wife, forsaking all others as long as ye both shall live?" Skratch gulped and murmured, "I will." Speak up Skratch," whispered the Wabbit. "I will!" yelled Skratch so loudly that mortar fell from the wall. "Jenny," said Robot softly, "Wilt thou have this cat as thy wedded husband?" "Why not?" replied Jenny. Lapinette prodded her fiercely in the back. "I will," said Jenny. Robot turned. "Who giveth this rabbit to be married to this cat?" "That's me!" said the Wabbit and he rummaged for the spare ring he had stored in his fur. Robot turned to Skratch then to Jenny. "Hold paws and plight thy troth." Everyone sighed with relief - but there was a strange sound from the rear and they all looked round. "Weddings mak me greet." sniffled Stone.
[Greet. Scottish dialect: Cry]

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Wabbit and the Happy Couple

The moment the Wabbit and Lapinette reached Tinos Town, they ran into Skratch and Jenny. "Ah, there you are!" said the Wabbit. "I've got a bit of work for you." Skratch stepped back. "Wabbit, I'm obliged to ensure you take a rest." The Wabbit grinned. "It's only some annoying Light Creatures." "They're double dangerous!" yelled Lapinette. "Nothing we can't handle," said the Wabbit. "What's that bird?" asked Jenny suddenly. "Parakalo," said Parakalo the Dove. "Parakalo in what sense?" queried Skratch. "Look, we've been through this already," said the Wabbit, "we just need a few supplies." "So do we - we're getting married," said Jenny. "What?" yelled Lapinette and the Wabbit together. "It's all arranged," said Skratch, "and you're giving Jenny away." "Who's your best man then?" asked the Wabbit. "You," said Jenny. The Wabbit gasped in astonishment. "I seem to be doing a lot of things." "What am I doing?" asked Lapinette. "Bridesmaid," said Jenny. It was Lapinette's turn to gasp. "I've nothing to wear," she sighed. The Wabbit shook his head. "And where is the ceremony?" "Panagia Evangelistria," nodded Skratch. "You have been busy," commented the Wabbit - with more than a hint of sarcasm. But Lapinette smiled benignly. "All right, who's officiating at the wedding?" "Robot arrives on the next ferry," said Skratch. "That's suitably secular," grinned the Wabbit, who was warming to the idea. Skratch purred with delight, "He's been working on a spiritual sub routine!"
[Our Lady of Tinos (Panagia Evangelistria: Literally, the All-Holy Bringer of Good News) ]

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Wabbit and Essential Supplies

The Wabbit twisted the steering wheel and tried to let the jeep soak up the road. "You could try slowing down a bit, Wabbit," said Lapinette, "I doubt if the Light Creatures are going anywhere." "Make haste while the sun shines," said the Wabbit. Lapinette winced but refused to be drawn. Parakalo broke in. "In this neck of the island," he cooed, "the sun invariably shines." "All the more reason for speed," laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette held on as the jeep's wheels lifted, but it clung to the bend nonetheless. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "What do we need for the job?" Lapinette reeled off a list of impossible to obtain items, "Six photoluminescent wafers." "OK," said the Wabbit. "A molecular beam epitaxer," "Right," said the Wabbit. "... and an interband electro-optical absorber." Lapinette thought for a minute. "Where do we find them?" "Tinos does have a hardware shop you know," cooed Parakalo. "It's not that far from Athens." Lapinette looked sceptical. "We may have to compromise," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette’s shoulders slumped. "What do you suggest?" "Six torches," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" sighed Lapinette. "Five second hand solar panels," shrugged the Wabbit. "And then ... ?" asked  Lapinette. "Ten salvaged computer fans." said the Wabbit, "so can you do it?" "I have a reputation as a miracle worker" laughed Lapinette.

Monday, September 08, 2014

The Wabbit & the Quantum Parabolas

Deep inland, Lapinette, the Wabbit and Parakalo the Stone Dove reached the top of a hill - and there it was. "Looks quiet enough," murmured the Wabbit. "Oh really Wabbit," sighed Lapinette. "Why are we ferreting out other people's enemies?" "Fun and interest," said the Wabbit and he screwed up his eyes, because although evening drew close, the light was taxing. "They're here," said Parakalo, nodding to the dovecote. Lapinette caught a flash of gold and angled her head to focus on an opening. "I think I see one," she said. "So what's your opinion?" smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette's brain whirred. "It looks like a quantum parabola," she said, "but I could be mistaken." "Parabola?" asked Parakalo. The Wabbit smiled at his pronunciation, parah-baloh, but Lapinette dug him in the ribs. "The light becomes entangled in a quantum lattice field," she continued, "and is impelled to take on solid shape with limited stability." The Wabbit's ears bent to the side and his teeth chattered. "It's not actually made of light," said Lapinette, "it just holds it." "So what is it made of?" asked Parakalo. "Nothing," shrugged Lapinette. "So they're not dangerous?" smiled the Wabbit. Lapinette shook her head vigourously. "On the contrary," she grimaced. "They're beyond lethal."

Friday, September 05, 2014

The Wabbit and Stress Reduction

Lapinette and the Wabbit ambled through Tinos. Parakalo the Dove hovered alongside them, pointing out places of interest. But the Wabbit kept peering round corners. "What are you looking for?" sighed Lapinette. "I thought I saw an Agent of Rabit," said the Wabbit. "And ..?" said Lapinette. "It was a souvenir towel, flapping in the breeze," confessed the Wabbit. "Anything else, while we're on the subject?" asked Lapinette in a sarcastic voice. "Maybe you saw a platoon of Wasp creatures on the roofs?" "Now you mention it," said the Wabbit, "I did see something on a roof." Lapinette's eyes rose under her sunglasses. The Wabbit glanced into a doorway and looked back. "It was six solar panels lined up like alien soldiers." "Will you relax?" yelled Lapinette. A cooing took the Wabbit's attention. "Commander, you need an activity," said Parakalo. "There's something you could check for me." Lapinette hopped up and down. "The Wabbit's on vacation to rest and relax!" "Let's hear what it is," grinned the Wabbit. "Oh, I give up," said Lapinette. Parakalo looked down. "Some of our famous dovecotes have been taken over ..." The Wabbit became interested. "... by strange creatures," continued Parakalo. "composed entirely of light." "Mmm. That's interesting and different," said the Wabbit, "point them out!" "Sometimes we can see them, sometimes we can't," said Parakalo. "No, Wabbit, don't you dare!" screamed Lapinette. "A change is as good is as a rest," grinned the Wabbit ...

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Skratch, Jenny and the Greek Landing

Skratch and Rabbit Jenny came ashore at the far end of the Island, accompanied by Stone. "Ach, it's gey hot," shouted Stone. "Greece islands can get hot," said Jenny. "Not to mention the wind," remarked Skratch. "I don't mind the wind," yelled Stone. But no-one could hear him. "Where do we meet the Wabbit?" asked Skratch. "Tinos," said Jenny. Skratch thought for a minute. "Isn't there a fine church there?" Jenny was very familiar with islands. "Pilgrims crawl there on hands and knees uphill from the wharf." "Is it far?" asked Skratch. "800 metres," replied Jenny. "It would be worth it," said Skratch. Jenny looked puzzled. "Churches do weddings," said Skratch. Now Jenny smiled, because she remembered Skratch had asked for her hook in marriage - and although she hadn't said yes, she hadn't said no. "We need Certificates of No Impediment," said Jenny. "I know Ambassadors," said Skratch. "And then we must post notices," added Jenny. "I have a printer," said Skratch. "We require Apostilles," said Jenny. "Ledger at the Department will send it all in the diplomatic bag," said Skratch. Jenny grinned. "Someone has to give me away." "The Wabbit," said Skratch. "You need to be certain I'll say yes," said Jenny. Skratch brightened. "I'm confident you will." Jenny poked Skratch with her hook. "Then what are we waiting for?" But Skratch seemed distracted and looked up. "Did you see that strange change in the light?" "We'd better investigate," said Jenny ...
Hague Convention Apostille. Apostille is a stamp or seal that signifies a document is legal and authentic; 
Gey: Scottish dialect. Very

Monday, September 01, 2014

The Wabbit and the Parakalo Bird

Lapinette was relieved to drive from the ramp of the big ferry. The Wabbit was not happy sailing on a ship if he wasn't in charge and she had twice prevented him from interfering. It was extremely hot on the island and the jeep's temperature gauge looked alarmingly high. So Lapinette paused on the dock for a moment and the Wabbit hopped out to check. "Parakalo," said a voice. Lapinette glanced to her left and saw a large white bird made of stone. The Wabbit looked up. "In what sense?" he asked politely. "In a welcoming, hospitable sense,” said the bird, "may I help you in any way?" "We're on vacation," said Lapinette. "My name is Lapinette and this is Commander Wabbit. He is required to relax, rest and generally chill out." Perfect,” said the bird. "I will accompany you." "We couldn’t possibly impose," smiled Lapinette. "It is our custom," responded the bird and he made a soft cooing sound. "I will improve my language skills." Lapinette doubted that listening to the Wabbit would improve anyone’s language skills, but she nodded agreeably. The Wabbit nodded too. "Parakalo," he murmured. "How do you know my name?" asked the bird. "Lucky guess," grinned the Wabbit.

[Parakalo: Greek, roughly “please,” but it has a variety of meanings in polite conversation, depending on context.]

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Wabbit and the Guidance of Unut

"Commander!" said Unut sternly. The Wabbit wished he hadn't accepted coffee because his paws trembled as they often did when he met the Rabbit Goddess. "Commander, you did well. You drew out the MacDrabs and eliminated them." Now the Wabbit was surprised, because he was expecting just a little trouble. "All in a year's work," he smiled. "You're not finished," said Unut, "but I wish to thank Duetta Spyder for performing her appropriate historical role." Duetta rustled her legs silkily. "Whit aboot me?" asked Stone. "Whit aboot ye?" replied Unut. "Have ah tae hing aboot wae the Wabbit?" "For now," said Unut. Stone was about to say "Great!" but he thought better of it. "Ah suppose ah'll hae tae thole it." he moaned. "There's more work to do," said Unut, "and you Stone, will work with the Wabbit and his team." "Jings" said Stone. Unut turned to the Wabbit. "But first Commander, you clearly need a vacation." The Wabbit's eyes lit up. "You're off to Greece." "Greece?" replied the Wabbit. "Take the Lovely Lapinette," said Unut. "Skratch the Cat and Rabbit Jenny will go with you to ensure you take a rest." Oh, OK," sulked the Wabbit. "You'll need the Jeeps," said Unut. "I'm sending you somewhere remote and roads can be rough." "OK OK," said the Wabbit. Unut frowned. "One more thing, Commander." The Wabbit cringed. "No adventures," smiled Unut.
[Jings: Scottish expression, popularised by cartoon character Oor Wullie (Our William) in the Sunday Post newspaper No translation. Hing aboot: Hang about. Ah'll hae tae thole it:  I have no option but to tolerate it.]

Friday, August 22, 2014

The Wabbit and the Stone Alliance

The Wabbit convened a special meeting with Stone and Marshall Duetta Spyder before their audience with Unut in the Dark Basement of the Goddesses. "I need to clear something up," said the Wabbit." "Go ahead, Sonny," said Stone. "You ask away." "You two already know each other?" "Aye we do," said Duetta. The Wabbit looked puzzled, so Duetta went on silkily. "I am the direct descendant of a famous Spider." The Wabbit still looked puzzled. "Roberto Il Bruce!" sighed Duetta. Stone watched as the Wabbit's brain whirred. "The King of Scotland?" he exclaimed. Stone let the Wabbit off the hook. "Bruce had been defeated and his armies scattered." Now Duetta continued. "But in his refuge, a cave, he was inspired by a spider who's endurance was unlimited." Stone laughed with delight. "The spider tried seven times to make her web but eventually she did it." The Wabbit grinned because now he remembered the legend - so he finished the story himself. "Bruce returned to the fray and chased the foreign army away." "That's how we know of each other," said Stone. "I'm the original Stone. I wasn't stolen by the scunner Edward. I was in that cave with Bruce and the spider." The Wabbit threw his head back, laughing with delight. "Sounds like a great film," he smiled. "Stoneheart!" said Stone. "Braveweb," said Duetta. The Wabbit shook his head, amazed. "That chasm on Wablantis is really Bruce's cave?" "And ye took yer time getting there, Sonny" said Stone. "Aye!" said the Wabbit.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Wabbit's Big Adventure Caffè

It had been a long adventure. Now the team assembled at a special venue for preprandials. The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat arrived late at the very same moment. "Whit was that for a kind of adventure?" laughed Stone. Skratch addressed the Wabbit directly. "It was complete excess," said Skratch. "A diabolical cross between Visconti and Spielberg." The Wabbit looked chirpy and reached for his glass. "It was colourful, eventful and ultimately far too long," added Lapinette. The Wabbit's face fell. "It was the explosives," he murmured to no one in particular. "Don't worry about it, Sonny," said Stone. "It might have featured a lonely stone struggling for survival in a Scottish village." "In 1945," said Wabsworth dreamily. He was nestling in the corner nursing a glass of rum, feeling cosy. "We had more battles than Braveheart," laughed Jenny. Now the Wabbit laughed. "I thought I was in trouble," he smiled. "You are," glared Lapinette. "The damage cost plenty, Wabbit." "Take it out my Dinosaur Fund," suggested the Wabbit. "Not enough," said Lapinette. "Via Arsenale Sports and Social Fund?" "Hardly," said Lapinette. Stone raised his voice. "Dinna fash yersel*. I have enough in gilts, Sonny," Lapinette looked inquisitive. "When do the gilts expire?" asked the Wabbit. "They're from 1694, they're in perpetuity," said Stone. "Endless!" said the Wabbit. "Like my love for you, Lapinette."
[Dinna fash yersel: Don't get worked up, don't bother about it.]

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Wabbit and the Big Kaboom

The Wabbit and his team ran for their lives. It was the fastest they had ever ran and that was a good thing. From behind there came a low rumbling sound, then several cracks, then a mighty explosion that sent a shower of MacDrabs high above the city. All became still and they started to slow. "Keep running," yelled the Wabbit. A series of smaller booms shook buildings, then lights in the area flickered and died. "Whit on earth did ye put in the fake stones?" shouted Stone. "CL20," shrugged the Wabbit. "He usually uses C4," yelled Lapinette. "I got it sale or return," yelled Skratch. "It was a bargain buy." "That was a sledgehammer to crack a nut, Wabbit," panted Jenny. Lapinette found time to turn. "And it's going to cost us," she shouted. The Wabbit finally stopped. They turned to look back and a crimson red sky lit their faces. "Worth it," murmured the Wabbit. "Too much damage," stated Jenny sternly. "Urban redevelopment?" suggested the Wabbit meekly. No-one spoke. The temporary silence was only broken by the sound of falling debris. "The job is done," said Stone. "Unless ye have any more enemies in your fur." "Who's buying the aperitivi?" laughed Skratch. "Now that it's all over," said the Wabbit, "I think it's my turn." "All over bar the shouting," sighed Lapinette who was making a rough calculation of the damage. "I'll cover for Attila the Hun here," smiled Stone. "I think this one's my shout."
[It's my shout: I am paying the cost (usually for drinks/meal]

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Wabbit and the Droning Stone

The MacDrabs pricked up their ears as they became aware of droning behind the screen. It got louder and louder and louder. Suddenly there was a tune and the MacDrabs swung to their left as the Wabbit and Skratch the Cat marched into the hall playing bagpipes. But they were so intent on watching that they missed Stone as he burst through the screen. "Heuch!" he shouted. "Heuch!" shouted Lapinette and Pirate Jenny and they flung their arms in the air and danced. "Sae glad yer a' here," shouted the Stone and he pirouetted around. Now the MacDrabs were angry. "We've come to get ye," they screamed. "You've a' got yer ain stanes," said Stone." "You're the one," shouted the leader. "Get him!" But they couldn't move. Stone floated gently to the floor and the bagpipes stopped dead. "Try and let go of your stones, MacDrabs." Stone's laugh menaced the silence. The MacDrabs shook their paws frantically, but they were stuck fast. No matter how hard they tried to break away, they could only tighten their grip. And the stones were getting hot. "Kin ye hear that wee noise, Sonny?" smiled Stone to the Wabbit. The Wabbit listened and ostentatiously fiddled with his chanter. Then he shook his head and turned. "Is that ticking noise coming from your tuning pins, Skratch?" Skratch wagged a paw of dismissal. "Evacuate!" yelled the Wabbit.
(1) Sae glad yer a' here: I'm so pleased to see you all here. (2) You've a' got yer ain stanes: You have stones of your own.