Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Wabbit and the Clan MacDrab

"Who are they?" asked the Wabbit. Creatures loomed at the windows of Quantum's restaurant car and peered in with sharp eyes. "These are the Drabs of Clan MacDrab," said Stone. "I've never heard of them," said Wabsworth. "There are more creatures in heaven and earth, undreamt of by androids," said Stone. They watched as Drabs pressed their granite grey faces against the windows. "I don't like the look of them, Stone," said the Wabbit. The Stone began to vibrate slightly. "They're so dreary and hostile they were banished," he hissed. "It didn't work," said the Wabbit, glancing out. "Well I'm gonnie deal wae them now," said Stone. The Wabbit shook his head vigorously. "No can do!" But Stone glowed a pale blue colour that gradually darkened. "I outrank you, sonny." The Wabbit shook his head again. "I just can't allow it." Now Stone was getting bigger. "I'm going outside," he said. "Ah know whit I'm doing." Now the Wabbit pricked up his ears because he could hear a scraping along the carriage that set his teeth on edge. "OK, what's your plan?" he sighed. "It's them or us," said Stone, "so I'm going to send them to a greyer place." "You'll need a helping paw," said Wabsworth. "Don't worry," snarled Stone. "I'll grind them finer than space dust."

Monday, July 28, 2014

Jenny, Skratch and the Pyramid Trick

In Turin, the fake Stones were taken to the market in a borrowed truck. "We have to put up a show, Skratch," said Jenny. Skratch had been a Cat Burglar and knew a few tricks. "I think I can manage!" he laughed. But Jenny was a pirate and tricks were her stock and trade. "I propose we don't sell the Stones at all." Skratch looked puzzled. She put down her stone and rocked back and forth like a pirate. "Clients have to buy into our scheme." Her eyes twinkled. "They don't buy the Stone?" asked Skratch. "No," said Jenny, "Someone pays us €1000 to be a Member of the Stone Club." "What next?" said Skratch - although he knew what was coming. Jenny swayed. "When they bring us 8 more paying members, they receive a Stone as a gift and €8000." "Ah," said Skratch, "Each of these new members recruit another 8 members," said Jenny, "at which point they receive a gift and money." "Most profitable," said Skratch, "but this system is doomed to collapse." "I know," smiled Jenny. "It will last long enough to spot the enemy." "How will we recognise them?" asked Skratch. "They'll know the trick," said Jenny, "and they'll try to trick us." "No-one can trick us," said Skratch smugly. "Then we pounce," said Jenny. Skratch threw back his head and laughed. "We need our shill," said Jenny. Skratch saw Lapinette come round the corner and nudged Jenny. "Here she is now." "Ahaaahrr there, young rabbit," said Jenny. "Wanna be a member?"
[shill: an accomplice of a confidence trickster who poses as a genuine customer to entice others]

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Wabbit and Singing the Stone

Leaving Skratch and Rabbit Jenny to trade decoy stones, the Wabbit and Wabsworth flew out with the real Stone on board Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "Ooooh, this is braw" said Stone as he stared out into space. "Shall we sing?" said Quantum, "we always sing." The Wabbit nudged Wabsworth because he knew Quantum was referring to the two occasions it had actually happened. "You start, Wabwsorth," he smiled. Wabsworth put a paw over one ear and adopted a nasally folk voice. "Oh, I tell you a story of a powerful State/ but over the years it just wisnae so great/ It got down on its knees and it started to pray/ For the Stane that it needed was stolen away." "Too-ra-loo," sang the Wabbit. "Too-ra-lay," sang Quantum. "Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay" sang the Stone. Everyone laughed with delight. "Hang on," said the Wabbit as the radio hummed. "There's something on sub-space." "I'll try to get a better fix," said Wabsworth. The cabin echoed to strange syllables but they listened intently. "This is KOI-3284.01," said a voice. "Speak," said the Wabbit. "Our homeworld is the Planet of the Stones. You are singing our anthem." "Oh yes," growled the Wabbit suspiciously. "Then sing me some more." An instrument played notes they had never heard before and then a deep voice sang. "There's none here with courage to challenge your claim/ that you have the true and original Stane." "Red alert," said the Wabbit.
[braw: adj. Scots, fine, excellent.]

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Wabbit and the Bootleg Stones

In a long abandoned and completely forgotten warehouse, Big Blue Snail and Wabsworth had been churning out more stones than a bootleg music factory. When the Wabbit and Rabbit Jenny arrived, they encountered an army of stones marching around like clockwork toys. "Ah, Commander," said Big Blue Snail. "Look at our creations. They're all beautiful and they move." "Do they talk?" asked Jenny. Snail paused. "We haven't been introduced." He glanced disapprovingly at the Wabbit and turned back. "I am Big Blue Snail. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Jenny nodded and rocked in a pirate fashion. "My compliments. I am Captain Rabbit Jenny." "Well do they talk?" asked the Wabbit impatiently. "Try them," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit hopped forward and spoke to the stone at the front. "Are you the true and original stone?" "Aye!" said the stone. "Naw, it's me!" said the second stone. Another jumped up and down. "I'm the only authentic and genuine stone here, by the way." The Wabbit looked at Jenny and then at Wabsworth and then at Snail. "Perfect," he said. Wabsworth chuckled. "I manufactured a sardonic sub routine especially for these fellows." Snail looked troubled for an instant. "How about their accents?" "They'll fool our enemies," smiled the Wabbit. Wabsworth was relieved. "I had trouble with the vowels." "So does everyone," laughed the Wabbit.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Wabbit considers Stone Safety

The Wabbit decided there was safety in numbers but he still wasn't happy about enemies appearing at every turn. "Do you have a plan to keep the Stone safe, Wabbit?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit shrugged. "To tell you the truth I don't." "I'm perfectly aw right," said the Stone. "I'm enjoying myself." The Wabbit was not impressed. "Everyone's looking for you!" he snapped. Skratch the Cat was feeling rather out of things and his voice came booming from the rear. "There must be a price on Stone's head." "Ah hope it's huge," said the Stone. The Wabbit paused for a long time and Lapinette watched him carefully. "I have an idea," he said." "I have a better one," said Rabbit Jenny the Pirate. "You first," said the Wabbit. Jenny smiled. "We can manufacture several stones identical to our Stone - then offer them for sale on the open market." "That will flush out the rest of our enemies." said Skratch with relish. "But what about the safety of our Stone?" asked Lapinette. "Now for my idea," said the Wabbit. "We'll take Stone off-planet until Jenny's plan is executed." "Oh!" exclaimed Stone. "I've never been off-planet, is it guid?" Skratch nodded gravely. "There's an awful lot of it," he purred. "Ach," laughed Stone, "Ah feel like a change of scenery."

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Wabbit in Chemical Avenue

On the upper levels, Jenny, Skratch and the Stone watched as the Wabbit and Lapinette started to run. They were closely followed by Wabsworth and Robot, but Wabsworth threw the canister over his shoulder as he had seen the Wabbit do many times before. The canister bounced along the concrete ramp. Then it rolled towards the Voodoo Wasps and stopped. For a moment nothing happened and there was a cry of derision from the Wasps. But the can started to hiss and suddenly billowing clouds of smoke enveloped them. They started to cough and drop, then lay in heaps of thrashing legs and wings. The Wabbit could hear them croaking and he shed a slight tear - not from sympathy, but ingestion of some of the fumes. "Where did you get the gas?" coughed the Wabbit. "I found it in the coat you gave me," said Wabsworth, "for a while I thought it was breath freshener." Lapinette spluttered. "Let's get to a higher floor." Turbina the Jet Car headed down the ramp to pick them up and they quickly crammed in. Lapinette seized the wheel because the Wabbit was queasy and had turned a delicate green. "How many enemies are there in this town?" asked the Wabbit. "How many have you got?" replied Lapinette. "They just keep coming," said the Wabbit. "I really can't help it." "Napoleon was right." stated Lapinette. The Wabbit raised a tearful eye and pre-empted her. "Never interrupt your enemies when they're making mistakes."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Wabbit and the Zombie Hostages

The Wabbit's ears pricked up as Turbina the Jet Car let off a warning honk. He dragged out his automatic and gestured at everyone to stay where they were. Then he hopped cautiously down the ramp, followed closely by Lapinette. His nose wrinkled at the sight of Robot and Wabsworth, his android double, being escorted up the ramp by Voodoo Wasps. The Wabbit waved his gun. "Unhand my friends,"  he yelled, "or it will be the worse for you." The drone of the Wasps was deafening. "Your friends are zombies now," buzzed the lead Wasp. "So give us the Stone or we'll make zombies of you all." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes because he knew Wabsworth and Robot were electronic and couldn't become zombies. He caught Lapinette's eye, glanced at Wabsworth then Robot. "I-am-a-Zombie," uttered Robot suddenly and with conviction. The Wabbit recognised the right moment and he made an imperceptible movement known only to Lapinette. "What is your purpose, Robot?" screamed Lapinette suddenly. "We-must-serve. Serve-to-live-after-we-die," said Robot in a staccato tone. Wabsworth scratched his nose several times and tapped something he was holding to his fur. "The-Stone-must-serve-them! Serve-those-who-must-be-served," he wailed. The Wabbit moved closer to Lapinette. "When Wabsworth throws the canister, run!" "Where to?" murmured Lapinette. "Far," said the Wabbit.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Wabbit & the Ramp Summit

The team gathered at the big ramp where they could be certain to defend against the Wasps. The Stone was surprisingly agile and he scooted up like a young mountain goat. "Oh," he yelled. "I spy big creepy-crawly things." "Marshall Duetta Spyder" said the Wabbit in surprise. "I thought you were on leave." "You sounded desperate," said Duetta, "so I rounded up some troops and scurried over." The sound of buzzing echoed around the concrete and they paused. "The Wasps are back," said the Wabbit feeling slightly foolish. Duetta rattled her legs and all her troops did the same. "Commander Wabbit," she said in the silkiest of silky voices. "These are not the Wasps we sent to the Sombrero Galaxy." An air of puzzlement hung like a jigsaw. "Then who are they?" asked Lapinette. Duetta snorted. "They are Glyptapanteles, often known as the Voodoo Wasps." "I know them from the Caribbean," said Jenny. "But they're too big." "Who are you?" asked Duetta. "You may call me Captain," snapped Jenny. "And there's me! Don't forget me! " shouted the Stone. "I know you," said Duetta. "I got a circular." "We have to protect the Stone at all costs," said the Wabbit. The Stone leapt up and down on the parapet and shouted. "We had unco trouble already!" The legs of all the spiders rattled for what seemed like an age. "I'm bigger than trouble," said Duetta.

[Unco adj. (Scottish): Strange, Uncanny, Weird]

Friday, July 11, 2014

The Wabbit & the Return of the Wasps

For security reasons, the Wabbit and the Stone changed vehicles. Turbina the Jet Car was available and at the request of the Stone, they drove to hills that overlooked the river. The Stone climbed onto Turbina's roof and looked down. "I hear buzzing," murmured the Wabbit. "It sounds like the drone a' waahsps," said the Stone. Turbina's voice broke in and they both listened carefully - because Turbina was of such a high rank in the Department of Wabbit Affairs, no-one knew exactly what it was. "I understood Commander, that you exiled the Wasps to the Sombrero Galaxy." The Wasps loomed larger and larger and larger until they filled the horizon. "They're much bigger now," gasped the Wabbit. "Diet?" suggested the Stone. "I'll call it in," said the Wabbit, plucking his walkie-talkie from his fur. "Marshall Duetta Spyder, come in please," "I'm on holiday," said a silky voice. The Wabbit sighed and changed frequencies. "Lapinette, we have a situation." "Is it a Wasp situation?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit put his other paw in his fur and drew out his automatic. "It's a Giant Wasp situation," he said, snicking the safety off. "We need reinforcements." The radio crackled. "I thought you exiled the Wasps." "To the Sombrero Galaxy," added Turbina tersely. "Where's the Sombrero Galaxy anyway?" asked the Stone, "is it far?" The Wabbit grimaced. "28 million light years." "Now there's a road less travelled!" said the Stone. The Wabbit growled. "Sometimes it's for good reason."

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Lapinette, Jenny and the Wasps

Jenny was homesick for the sea so Lapinette thought she'd take her for target practice. In a quiet spot where hardly a soul ever went, they took pot shots at various things and talked. Lapinette's Makarov blasted and a can jumped in the air. "Where's the Stone?" asked Jenny. Her automatic chattered and a rusty sign disintegrated. "Oh, he's sure to be somewhere safe with the Wabbit," said Lapinette hopefully. "I thought I heard weapon fire," said Jenny. "Just an echo," said Lapinette. But she looked around all the same. "Did I hear a plane?" asked Jenny. She let off two shots and narrowed her eyes. "We're not far from the airport," muttered Lapinette. "It was a military transport plane," said Jenny. Lapinette fired three rounds and the ricochets voomped around buildings. Time passed and a pile of spent cartridges littered the ground. "What's that buzzing?" murmured Lapinette. Jenny scanned all about. "Sounds like insects." "It's rather noisy," said Lapinette. She put down her pistol and scrutinised the area. "Bees? Wasps? Hornets?" suggested Jenny, but Lapinette was staring intently at dancing yellow reflections in the water. Suddenly she nodded to herself. She picked up her Makarov, ejected the cartridge and inserted another. Then she made certain she had spares handy. "Trouble?" enquired Jenny. Lapinette looked up to the sky. Jenny followed her gaze and gasped, "Lud rot my vitals, they're huge!"

Monday, July 07, 2014

The Wabbit and an Air Delivery

The Wabbit drove swiftly to a place he knew well, with the Agents of Rabit in hot pursuit. The Stone kept looking back. "They seem a wee bit annoyed," he said. "Unfinished business," said the Wabbit. He made a series of sharp turns, doubled back and for a moment it looked as if he'd lost them. Then he span the steering wheel and hauled on the brake. The jeep screeched sideways into an alleyway and stopped just short of the lead group. "What now?" asked the Stone. "We get out," said the Wabbit. The Agents stopped as they always did and shouted death threats. But before they advanced they couldn't help spitting and and howling insults so the Wabbit nudged the Stone to prepare him. "Your fur is a disgrace, Wabbit." shouted the biggest Agent. "Who cut it?" shouted another, "the fishmonger?" "They need a seein' to," muttered the Stone. "They're going to get one," advised the Wabbit and he twitched both ears. "I can hear a plane," said the Stone. Suddenly the air was thick with parachutists as all 400 of the Wabbit's private guard came tumbling from the sky. The Stone smiled - insofar as he could smile. "Hell's teeth son, whit are these?" Snazer fire and painful cries echoed across the walkways. "They are the 400 Rabbits." grinned the Wabbit. "I think this dance is oors," said the Stone.

Friday, July 04, 2014

The Wabbit and the High Chase

The Wabbit took the shortest route but it wasn't the easiest. It involved climbing near vertically up the Roman walls and flying off the other side. This the Wabbit accomplished at the cost of the passenger door he had previously kicked. The Agents of Rabit swarmed up the walls in pursuit, but they hadn't reckoned on the Wabbit's manoeuvre. It was what he called the Jeep Jump, which he only used in emergencies because it gave him dyspepsia. "How's your tummy, Stone?" asked the Wabbit as Agents fell from the wall with varying degrees of suprise. "I don't have a tummy exactly," said the Stone. His ears had turned a delicate mauve-blue and now he could feel the effects of  his long journey. "Where did ye learn to drive anyway, laddie?" "Tank Destroyers," murmured the Wabbit. "Aye," nodded the Stone. His ring-like eyes flickered to the rear. "Who in the name of all that's holy are these scunners?" The Wabbit scowled and peered through the cloudy windscreen. "They're Agents of Rabit, our oldest sworn enemy. They want to destroy us." "Ach, enemies," said the Stone. "They haud around much longer than friends, but what do they want wae me?" "Well, it's usually not about the money," sighed the Wabbit. "What it's aboot then?" asked the Stone. "World domination and enslavement," said the Wabbit. "Step on it son," growled the Stone. "We'll hae none a' that!"
[Scunner: Glasgow dialect. An annoying person]

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

The Wabbit and the Dancing Trolls

There seemed to be some event going on in the Piazza, so the Wabbit drew up and both he and the Stone hopped out. "I hear bonnie music," said the Stone. "Let's have a look," said the Wabbit. In the distance the Wabbit thought he could see Folk Dancers, but as they drew close his expression changed - now he made out the awful features of his enemies, the Agents of Rabit. The Stone jumped in the air and did a wee jig. "Heuch!" he yelled and he bounced up and down oblivious to the Wabbit's dismay. "Stone," shouted the Wabbit over the music. "Stone, we'd better be getting along." "Ach," said the Stone. I like this." He birled left and right and his boots made a clackety sound on the paving stones. It was the clackety sound that did. An Agent in the centre of the dance turned very, very slowly to the left and stared the Wabbit right in the eyes. "Stone," called the Wabbit. "Just turn in a casual fashion and make your way back to the jeep." The Stone couldn't help it. He had to look round. "My Goad," he cried. "Whit are these creatures of repellent aspect?" The Wabbit smiled a lopsided grin and hopped towards the jeep. "Let me buy you lunch," he said. "Oh aye," said the Stone and still dancing he made his way to join the Wabbit. But as the Wabbit started the engine, the Agents of Rabit danced in formation round the jeep and leered through the windows. "Good music all the same," said the Stone. The Wabbit grimaced. "The Devil gets his pick."