8. The Wabbit and the Silence of Tractors

Back with Susan the Biplane, the Wabbit engaged the tractor beam and locked it to the Alien Pilot’s asteroid. "I wish I could hear the tractor beam," said the Wabbit. "There’s no sound in space, Sir," answered Susan. "Oh, I know - isn’t it a pest!" said the Wabbit. Silently, the tractor beam pulled the asteroid across space and then, when it reached the Wabbit’s coordinates, reversed thrust. Now powered by Susan’s quantum engines, the asteroid glowed blue in the slipstream tunnel  - and it shimmered as it headed for Andromeda and Planet OGLE TR 56B. The Wabbit watched for a while and then he murmured, "Cut the slipstream drive, Susan." "Sir?" queried Susan. "That’s an order Susan," snapped the Wabbit and he looked into deep space. He could just make out the smallest of blips on the event horizon as Susan terminated the drive. A silence fell as Susan programmed coordinates for home. "Sir?" she asked. "Yes," said the Wabbit. "There is no firm of Kepler, Copernicus and Brahe, Sir." The Wabbit grinned. "I made it up!" "That was fibbing sir," responded Susan. "It’s in my job description," said the Wabbit, shaking his head at the thought of his annual review. Susan persisted. "What will happen to the Pilot?" "He’ll pop up somewhere," shrugged the Wabbit. "Won’t his employers be looking for their property?" asked Susan. "I suppose they will," laughed the Wabbit. "Well now they’ll be looking for us," said Susan.

7. The Wabbit & the Spiders from Mars

The Wabbit rose and hopped rapidly from the bridge. "I won’t mess with the red spiders from Mars," he said, shaking his head. Outside, Marshall Duetta Spyder and her cohorts began to weigh heavily on the structure and the Pilot’s craft shook violently. Interior lights dimmed as more and more spiders clung to the fuselage. The Wabbit looked back alarmed. "They’ll asset-strip your asteroid until there’s hardly a spare quark left," he hissed. "So I’m off while I still have fur. Stay if you like." "Stop!" shouted the Pilot. The Wabbit hesitated and stared steadily. "About that trade?" grimaced the Pilot. "We'll see, but it's difficult now," muttered the Wabbit. "You really shouldn’t have waited."  "Don’t leave me to these spiders," said the Pilot, "I hate spiders." The Wabbit considered, then appeared to come to a decision. "Just give me time to get back to my craft and we’ll fix you in our tractor beam." "Then?" asked the Pilot. "Slipstream drive to the Planet Ogle -you'll be there in a trice." "Where’s Ogle?" said the Pilot. "Ogle-TR-56b," said the Wabbit.  "John Kepler of Kepler, Copernicus and Brahe will meet you." The Pilot gazed at the spiders and shifted uncomfortably. "How will I know this Kepler?" "Have no fear," said the Wabbit, "he’ll keep an eye open for you." 

6. The Wabbit & the Value of Asteroids

The Wabbit took a seat. "You might know who I am, Pilot," he said, "but you don't know what you’ve got." The Pilot shook his head and the Wabbit winked. "How much are you paid?" he asked, baldly. "Not enough to deal with the likes of you," said the Pilot. The Wabbit laughed. "You’re sitting on a desirable piece of real estate." "It’s just an asteroid," sighed the Pilot. The Wabbit laughed again in a particularly irritating laugh that he kept for special occasions. "It’s worth 79 trillion of our euro coins." With a flick of his paw, the Wabbit produced a sparkling meteorite and thrust it under the nose of the Pilot. "This chunk flew off when we arrived," he smiled. "But since you don’t value it, I’ll just keep it in my fur." The Wabbit tucked it away. The Pilot was silent for some time and then he snarled. "And how would I realise my asset?" "I have contacts," said the Wabbit. The Pilot blinked with four eyes. "How do I find them?" "We’ll send you in our slipstream drive using a reverse tractor beam," said the Wabbit, "then my trader will pay you handsomely for your bijou M-class asteroid." The Pilot began to shake his head. "I don’t like the sound of it," he grunted. "Take it or leave it," drawled the Wabbit, "but you’ll be sorry." "Oh do me a favour," scoffed the Pilot. "I’ve heard of you and your rabbit tricks." The Wabbit fidgeted, then abruptly looked up with a look of horror. "No!" he exclaimed. "Look over there!" 

5. The Wabbit and the Alien Pilot

The Wabbit hopped to the structure and gazed inside. "Hullo!" he said in the worst Glasgow accent he could do. "Would yez spare a wee tate aviation fuel for a wee bit rabbit?" "I hate rabbits," said The Pilot. "Ach, ah know what ye mean," said the Wabbit and he waved a paw. "No animosity, by the way." "What do you really want?" said the Pilot. "Company," said the Wabbit thinking on his feet. "The time of day, a wee bit craic." "Go away," said the Pilot. A silence fell, only to be interrupted by the Wabbit. "Are ye up for a gala dinner?" "I hate gala dinners," said the Pilot, "so be off with you. I must coalesce with the Planet Earth shortly." "Planet Earth?" said the Wabbit. "Surely not?" "Why not?" asked the Pilot. "Awful place," said the Wabbit. "I wouldnae go there if it was the last place in the Universe." "Continue," said the Pilot. "The place is used up," said the Wabbit, "It’s a weed awa’. Nasty clarty planet!" The Pilot’s eyes flickered. "I will complete my task." "Think better of it," said the Wabbit. There was a pause while the Pilot made an adjustment to his intercom. The Wabbit was impatient and knocked loudly. "There’s a better place than Earth!" he shouted. "Where?" asked the Pilot. "Uranus," smiled the Wabbit. The Pilot suddenly turned. "I hate Uranus!" "Och!" said the Wabbit. The Pilot scowled. "And I know who you are, Commander Wabbit ..."

4. The Drunken Rabbit Manoeuvre

Susan the Biplane closed on the asteroid and orbited for a closer look. "Whoa! That looks unusual," said the Wabbit. "What sort of creature lives in a house like that?" Susan continued her orbit." I think I can make out detail, Sir." The Wabbit stared at the structure. "We’d better investigate," he said finally. "Do you want me to land, Sir?" asked Susan. "Hang on Susan, Let’s give a false impression, just to be on the safe side." Susan orbited again. "You trained at Wabbit Air Arm?" asked the Wabbit." "I did, Sir." "Then you know the manoeuvre called the Drunken Rabbit?" "Yes Sir, but it’s reserved for senior officers and reckless students." "Drunken Rabbit, that’s an order!" hissed the Wabbit. Susan threw herself high and dived straight down. "Stall! stall! stall!" yelled the Wabbit with glee. "Bank angle! Bank angle!" yelled Susan and she calmly twisted sideways and spiralled towards the ground. "Perhaps you'd like the controls, Sir," gasped Susan. "I certainly would," said the Wabbit. Snow loomed white as the Wabbit headed for the largest drift he could see. Then he lifted Susan's nose, climbed, levelled and flew six metres from the surface, barely missing the strange structure. "Brr, it’s cold," said the Wabbit, propelling the plane upwards. "I saw a shape," said Susan. "Someone’s in," said the Wabbit. "Make 'em think we’re really stupid." The air screw whined and blasted snow to all sides as Susan hurtled straight into a snowdrift.

3.The Wabbit and the Rogue Asteroid

"Where is it?" asked the Wabbit. "My coordinates say it should be here." "Behind you Sir," said Susan the Biplane. "Oh," said the Wabbit. "Creepy thing." The Wabbit had a think about what to do and he hung from the biplane and pondered. "What do asteroids usually do?" he thought. "Asteroids are minor planets orbiting around celestial bodies," said Susan. "Why does everyone know what I’m thinking!" snapped the Wabbit. "Independent thought, Commander," said Susan, diplomatically. "Well, this one isn’t orbiting. It has a definite trajectory. It's almost as if it has a mind of its own," growled the Wabbit. "Sometimes they seem to," said Susan, "but technically it’s just a lump of rock." "Maybe." The Wabbit hummed a tune. "You can knock be-bop and you can knock swing. Say what you want about any old thing." "Commander?" said Susan. "But don't knock the rock," said the Wabbit. Susan wheeled and now that he was the right way round, the Wabbit looked properly. The asteroid was big, rugged and mean. "It's getting bigger,  we’re in its way," suggested the Wabbit. "Do you have visiting cards?" asked Susan. The Wabbit laughed. "Yes, they say 'The Wabbit called but you were out. Please ensure you are in the next time.'" "Perfect" said Susan and she orbited around the asteroid. "There’s a landing place!" pointed the Wabbit.

2. When the Wabbit met Susan

"Here we go again," said the Wabbit. Then as an afterthought. "How are you feeling, Susan?" "Bristol fashion Sir!" said Susan the Biplane eagerly. The Wabbit let some time elapse. "Your first mission, Cadet?" he murmured. "Raring to go, Sir," said Susan. The Wabbit waited a long time and then barked suddenly "List specifications, Cadet!" "Bio-atmosphere, gravity field, shield and stealth cloak." "What about quantum slipstream drive?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes Sir, sorry Sir," said Susan. The Wabbit relaxed in his seat and dangled a paw out of the cockpit. "How fast is it?" "It's 9.999945, Sir." The Wabbit pretended to consider coordinates. Then he said in a low voice. "Any reprimands on your record, Cadet?" "One, Sir!" replied Susan. The Wabbit leaned back. "I landed on a motorbike race, Sir." The Wabbit hid a smile. "What happened Cadet?" "I won Sir," said Susan. There was a long pause. "I’ve considered the matter," said the Wabbit. "Yes Sir," said Susan mournfully. "You’re promoted to Captain. Now remind me, what will that slipstream drive do?  "It’s still 9.999945 Sir," "Then go for 10," said the Wabbit, “we're hunting asteroids!" "Knock knock," said Susan confidently. "Who’s there?" smiled the Wabbit. "Nasty," said Susan." "Nasty who?" sighed the Rabbit. "Nastyroid!"  yelled Susan. There was a lurch and the Wabbit’s ears flattened as the little biplane dived into a sub space tunnel.

1. The Wabbit & the Impossible Mission

The Wabbit responded to Lapinette's invitation to meet him in a secret location near the railway station. "We’ve had alarming news," said Lapinette. "Alarming," repeated the Wabbit, striking the fuselage of an old plane. "Yes it is!" sighed Lapinette." "I see," murmured the Wabbit, "so why did you invite me to this draughty hangar?" Lapinette hopped slightly. "An asteroid is on a collision course with earth and it's heading straight for Turin." "Turin," mused the Wabbit and he silently continued to investigate the plane. "You have to stop it," yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit fidgeted. "I don’t do asteroids," he said. "You do now," said Lapinette, "because no one else will." A silence fell. "This asteroid," said the Wabbit suddenly. "What’s its name?" "Fred!" snapped Lapinette. The Wabbit looked up. "That’s different, I changed my mind," he said. "How will I get to it?" Lapinette drew herself up to her full height. "This," she stated firmly, "is your plane." The Wabbit looked all round. He tapped the fuselage and it made a hollow, wooden sound. "I can’t go into space in this," he announced.  "It’s all we could find at short notice," said Lapinette. The Wabbit kicked a tyre and pointed at the plane. "I can’t remember its name," he said. "Susan!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened. "Oh all right," he decided. "But is Susan pressurised?" "I don’t know anything about her feelings," growled Lapinette. 

The Wabbit in the Old Abandoned City

The Wabbit had no luck finding the hole in the fabric of time that brought Cicero and the Agents of Rabit from ancient Rome. So they retired to the Old Abandoned City for a chat. "You’ll have to stay with us," said the Wabbit. "Oh no, I must get back - there’s much to do," said Cicero."There’s much to do here," replied the Wabbit. "The Department could use a good lawyer and an orator to boot." "Do what sort of things?" asked Cicero. "The Rights of Rabbits for one," said the Wabbit. "Then there’s the matter of public relations." "There was a silence and Cicero looked thoughtful.  "I’m not sure I quite mastered that one." The Wabbit winced. "It’s better you don’t go back anyway." Cicero looked with enquiry. "It’s not hard to foretell the past," stated the Wabbit. "Maybe you’re right," said Cicero, "I made many enemies." The Wabbit smiled and shrugged. "They didn’t fare too well." "What of Mark Anthony?" queried Cicero. The Wabbit made a vicious movement across his neck. "By his own paw," he said gravely. "I think I'll stay," said Cicero, "what’s my first job?" "Write me a speech along the following lines," said the Wabbit pondering for a moment. "I shall not rest until all world rabbits are united and achieve full emancipation. We shall suffer rabbit exclusion no longer." Cicero sighed. "I’ll see what I can do."

The Wabbits sing with Acker Bilk

The Wabbit had been asked to contribute to an Acker Bilk concert and as he took the stage beside the great jazz legend, he was trying to hide his nerves. He searched desperately in his fur and finally found something suitable. "Haven’t played this in a while," he chortled and he whacked a harmonica against his fur. "A clarinet and harmonica together?" asked Lapinette. "Oh yes, it’s quite the thing," said the Wabbit and he turned to Acker Bilk. Acker nodded gravely, lifted his clarinet and played a few notes. The Wabbit’s harmonica wailed. Then they both smiled as Lapinette lifted a paw. "A one, and a two and a one, two, three," rapped Lapinette and they started to play. Acker’s mellow notes filled the auditorium and Lapinette began to sing. "Won't you come along with me, to the Mississippi." Lapinette’s voice was husky, "We'll take a boat to the land of dreams. Steam down the river, down to New Orleans." The Wabbit's harmonica called plaintively and then he sang. "Oh, she’s glad to be, oh yes-sirree" "Where welcome's free and dear to me," crooned Lapinette. "Where she can lose .." sang the Wabbit and paused. "Lose my Basin Street Blues," sang Lapinette. Acker’s clarinet sang hauntingly and the Wabbit’s voice harmonised in a compatible single chord, descending in half steps. "Is that a line cliché?" asked Lapinette. "Works every time," sang the Wabbit.

12. The Wabbit hears the Philosopher's Stone

They all gazed in amazement as the ball fell into two halves, revealing a crystal of many sparkling colours. Then from the crystal emerged a shining rabbit, the like of which the Wabbit had never seen. Although the Wabbit was transfixed, he was aware of the reactions of his friends and could discern faint snatches of conversation. "It’s a rabbit. I can’t believe it," murmured Lapinette. "The Philosopher’s Stone is a rabbit," sighed Skratch. "How ineffable!" The Wabbit could hear Cicero making a speech. "The truth is eternally relevant and is presently true." Skratch seemed to call through layers of cotton wool. "The sign, the sign, the sign." The Wabbit gradually became aware of another voice. "Wabbit, you are the chosen one," said the shining rabbit. The Wabbit’s mind became clear as the crystal that emerged from the ball. "Chosen by whom?" he asked sharply. "By yourself," said the rabbit. "For what?" said the Wabbit. "For the great transformation that is yet to come." "I need to know more," said the Wabbit - but the shining rabbit was already disappearing into the crystal. "You already know," called a voice that the Wabbit recognised as his own. The Wabbit shook himself and suddenly he was back with his friends. "Did you hear what it said?" he asked. Everyone looked at the Wabbit, then looked at each other and shook their heads. "Hear what?" they asked. 

11. The Wabbit and Cicero's Lunch

Cicero was buying lunch and Snail had gone off with the order. "Cicero, how do they greet you in the Forum?" asked the Wabbit. "They hop on one foot and wink rapidly," said Cicero, and nearly smiled. "They call me Cicero usually, but behind my back they call me Big Kick Cicero." Lapinette stifled a giggle. "What kind of adventure was that anyway?" asked Skratch. "It’s not finished," said Lapinette, "because we haven’t seen the Philosopher’s Stone." "What’s it like?" said Skratch leaning on Cicero’s shoulder. "Not what you expect," said Cicero. "It’s ancient and powerful." "I heard it was a cornerstone that the builders of Solomon's Temple rejected," offered Skratch. He paused for attention, then continued. "It has symbolic value and, as such, it is ineffable." Cicero almost looked amused and glanced at the Wabbit. "Sorry," apologised the Wabbit, "he’s been going to evening classes." For a moment they all looked at the red ball and the Wabbit poked it three times. "How do you open it?" he said. "We must all stare at the ball and imagine what’s inside," said Cicero. The Wabbit stared intently until his eyes met in the middle. "What are you thinking about?" asked Lapinette. "A carrot aperitivo," said the Wabbit. Lapinette laughed. She was about to say, "It can’t look like a carrot aperitivo," when the ball began to revolve. It spun quicker and quicker and then without warning it broke clean through the middle ...

10. The Wabbit and the lingering Fuse

"What shall we have for dinner?" thought the Wabbit as he waited for the Agents of Rabit. "Jerusalem artichoke tubers, lightly braised perhaps." The Wabbit’s mouth began to water. "Curly carrot shavings as a side-dish and mixed salad," he added. In his mind, the Wabbit saw the waiter advance and he heard his voice. "To drink, Commander?"  Heavy paw steps nearly interrupted his imaginary dinner but not quite. "The usual," answered the Wabbit, lighting the explosive. For a while he watched the fuse fizz merrily. "Year in, in year out, the accursed Agents of Rabit," he moaned. "What a pest they are." He wondered for a moment if he would be happy without them. He decided not. "If they came this way," he mused, then Skratch and Lapinette have certainly captured the philosopher’s ball. I wonder what the stone looks like?" The fuse was half gone and it sputtered angrily. The Wabbit took aim then deliberately looked away. "I’m used to this," he thought. "What if I let them off? What if I got them to apologise? What if they could be reformed?" Then another voice broke in and this time it wasn’t in his head. "Hey stupid Wabbit," said the Chief Agent. "Your fur is last year’s colour." "Grrr, that’s it," thought the Wabbit. "They can insult me all they like but they won’t insult my fur." So he spoke calmly. "Come come," he said. "You know you go to pieces over me." "Huh?" said the Agent as he watched the explosive arc through the air and the flame reach the end of the fuse. "Oh, Kaboom," sighed the Agent of Rabit

9. Skratch takes the Wabbit's Route

Lapinette and Skratch barrelled down the road and Lapinette clutched the ball like grim death. "Which way did the Wabbit say?" shouted Skratch. "He said left right, left right, fly down the highway, creep down the alleyway," yelled Lapinette."He wasn't being chased by the hares of hell," grimaced Skratch. "He has a surprise waiting," gasped Lapinette. "It's always a surprise with the Wabbit," said Skratch. They puffed and panted. "The philosopher's stone inside the ball, what's it like?" he asked. "I haven't the foggiest  notion, does it matter?" breathed Lapinette. "It matters to them," said Skratch, looking over his shoulder. The Agents were gaining slightly and their shouts echoed in the ruins. "We'll roast you over hot coals" they shouted. "That's weak," yelled Lapinette. "We'll staple your ears to your paws," they cried. "That's better but still flabby," yelled Skratch. "Your bones will bleach in the sun," shouted the Agents. "At least we'll get good weather," said Skratch and he quickened his pace. "There's the alleyway now," yelled Lapinette, "and there's the Wabbit!" In the distance they saw the Wabbit gesture and duck down. "Did I see the Wabbit duck?" asked Skratch. "Well he's no chicken," laughed Lapinette and they dived out of sight.

8. Skratch trims the Marks

Skratch told the Agents of Rabit that the authorities were coming and made them move everything round the corner. Puffing and panting they finally threw their ball to Skratch and he began to juggle. "Watch your ball, watch your ball. Faster than they eye can see," he laughed. "It’s easy to spot the ball as it moves." The balls flew around and the Agents danced up and down. "Triple power will soon be ours!" they yelled. "The old blind cat can’t fool us!" Deftly, Skratch batted their ball behind a pillar and Lapinette rose gracefully to catch it. "Must be going, urgent appointment, completely forgot," she murmured and she sloped off as Skratch continued to juggle. Suddenly, Skratch hid the balls under the cups and stopped dead. "Now," he murmured, "where is that ball of yours?" "There it is on the left," said an Agent. Skratch lifted the cup and the Agents sighed. "Oh deary deary me," said Skratch. "How unfortunate. That’s my ball and now all the balls belong to me." "Give us back our ball!" shouted the Agents. "I really can’t see it," said Skratch. "My eyes, you know. Are you quite certain you gave me a ball?" "Yes!" screeched," the Agents. "Are you really sure?" said Skratch, scratching his head. The Agents advanced on Skratch. "Oh look, here it is," said Skratch and he bent down, overturned the table on the Agents and fled after Lapinette. "I never give suckers an even break!" he called over his shoulder. 

7. Skratch and the Three Ball Trick

Skratch set up his stall and started to shout. "Play the ball game!" he cried. "Triple your balls! Triple your balls!" Lapinette hopped up the steps. "I’d like to try," she smiled. "How does it work?"  "All you have to do," said Skratch loudly, "is to give me your ball and keep your eye on it. If you can guess where your ball went, then you can keep all the balls." "And if I guess wrong?" said Lapinette. "Then I keep your ball, but that seldom happens," said Skratch. "OK," said Lapinette and she bounced her ball in the air and gazed as Skratch juggled. A few Agents of Rabit started arriving and they watched the balls spin round and around. Skratch’s paws blurred and suddenly the balls landed in the cups. The Agents goggled. "Where's your ball now?" asked Skratch. "It’s that one there," said Lapinette and she pointed to the middle cup. "Oh so it is," said Skratch sadly and he blinked rapidly. "I’m afraid my eyes aren’t as good as they used to be." Lapinette took all the balls and danced up and down with excitement. "It's so easy, can I do it again?" "You’ll ruin me," said Skratch sadly. "Would you take advantage of an old short-sighted cat?" The Agents of Rabit drew closer. "Perhaps we could try?" said the Chief Agent. "I don’t know," said Skratch. "I’ve lost too many of my balls today." "Just one more time!" they shouted with excitement. Skratch looked reluctant. "Oh all right," he sighed and he took the ball from the Chief Agent. "Equal Opportunities," he moaned. "After all, you might report me ..."

6. The Wabbit's Talk at the Taberna

Big Blue Snail was placed in charge of rustling up supplies for the planning meeting and he busied himself with gusto. "What’s on the menu?" asked the Wabbit. "I have mostly eggs and gloopy wine mixed with sea water," said Snail. "Fine," said the Wabbit with little enthusiasm. "What else?" said Skratch the Cat. "I found a large basin of garum," smiled Snail. "What’s garum?" asked the Wabbit. "It’s fermented fish sauce with salt. It’s very smelly and popular." "I’ll have some of that!" said Skratch. Lapinette twitched her nose. "Yuk," she said. "Surely there’s something else?" The greatest pleasures are only narrowly separated from disgust," said Cicero, "and we must sustain ourselves for the task ahead." "Bring it on Snail," said the Wabbit, "and I will tell you of my plan." Everyone went quiet. "They know they have the Stone and believe it‘s magic. So we must use magic against them." "There isn’t really magic as such" said Cicero. "They don’t know that," said the Wabbit. "Know any tricks?" "I know some tricks," said Skratch. "Then you’re in charge," said the Wabbit. "You are the magician and the Agents are your audience." "Do I get to wave my paws around?" asked Skratch. "Frantically. And promise to double what they’ve got," smiled the Wabbit. "Think they’ll fall for it?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit shrugged. "They’re tough but not over-bright." Cicero nodded gravely. "Everyone likes something for nothing," said Snail.

5. The Wabbit & the Agents' Gathering

The friends clambered to the top of the amphitheatre and peered over. Agents of Rabit clustered in great number and the structure rang to their capering. A Chief Agent towered above the rest, casting a giant shadow across the terracing. "Agents!" he called. "We have the Philosopher’s Ball!" Cheers rocked the amphitheatre and air hissed as Agents punched fists high. The Chief calmly bounced the ball and caught it. "Within this magi ball is the Philosopher’s Stone, and with the Stone, we shall bestride the world." "The whole wide world!" chanted the Agents. The Wabbit clung onto the parapet and growled softly. "Shush," whispered Lapinette, "they’ll hear us." The Chief Agent kicked a leg. "What’s the first thing on our evil agenda?" he demanded. "The Wabbit!" they shouted. "The Wabbit and his ghastly do-gooding friends!" shouted the Chief. "Kill the Wabbit!" they cried. Lapinette snickered. "Shhh," said the Wabbit. "With the Wabbit eliminated we can spread hatred," roared the Chief. "Hatred!" howled the Agents. "Tomorrow is New Year," yelled the Chief, "and we who have the Stone, own the future!" "A future with no Wabbit," cheered the Agents. "There's no future without the Wabbit," muttered the Wabbit, "but we need to retreat and make a plan." "I know an old Roman taberna round the corner," said Cicero. Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "Is it OK?" she asked. "It certainly used to be," said Cicero. "Then back to the future," smiled the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit hears of Magicians

As Terni flew off, the Wabbit saluted Cicero and lost no time. "Let’s get that stone!" he smiled. Lapinette stepped in front of the Wabbit and proffered a paw. "Pleased to meet you, Sir. We are honoured by you visit." "May I tell you of the stone?" said Cicero. "Sinister Agents of Rabit are everywhere good Sir," said the Wabbit, " so we have no time to lose." "Pin back your ears," said Cicero. "The stone was given to me by the magician Acetabularus, disguised as one of his balls." The Wabbit looked puzzled. "Part of a magician’s cup and ball for playing tricks." "Like a three card trick?" asked the Wabbit. "It’s a deft display of sleight of hand and special effects - and it does look like magic," said Cicero, "but my boring colleagues decided to kick all the magicians out the city." "Go on," said the Wabbit, enthralled. Cicero swept his arm in the air. "Acetabularus barely escaped with his life, but left the philosopher's stone in my safekeeping." "How did the Agents of Rabit get hold of it?" Cicero almost smiled. "They appeared to come through a hole in the fabric of time." "Of course!" said the Wabbit, as if it was an everyday occurrence. "So how will we get it back?" asked Cicero. "We usually trick them and when they arrive we blow them up," said the Wabbit, "but this operation demands subtlety." Cicero inclined his head. "We’ll attract their attention and trick them into giving us the stone," smiled the Wabbit. "What then?" asked Cicero. "Kaboom!" said Lapinette.

3. Dragon and Cicero spot the Wabbit

Dawn broke but there was no sign of the Wabbit. Terni the Dragon was tired of waiting, so he hoisted Cicero on board. "Can’t stay here twiddling our scales" he roared and he took off down the via del teatro di Marcello at high speed. "I say, said Cicero, "what’s afoot?" "We have to find Commander Wabbit. Something may have happened," roared Terni. "Perhaps he’s been set upon by those foul fiends," said Cicero, gasping as the wind tore at his toga. "The Commander would shoot them on sight," said Terni. "If there’s anyone he hates, it’s the Agents of Rabit." Cicero nodded gravely. "Good view from up here," he observed. "I can see what’s left of the Senate." "How did you get here anyway?" asked Terni. "One moment I was speaking at the Forum with that dreadful bore, Clodius and the next I was sitting in a fearful dive opposite the Theatre of Marcellus." "Must be a hole in the fabric of time," said Terni, "but you’ll need to ask the Wabbit." "A scientist too?" asked Cicero, "is he melancholic?" Terni laughed so much he nearly dropped his precious cargo. "He can be bad tempered," he said, "and he’s going to be livid if we don’t find him." "Look!" said Cicero. "Is that him, going the other way?" Terni glanced down. "Grrr!" he roared and his wings beat furiously as he dived to the ground towards the Wabbit. 

2. The Dragon Swoops Down

It would be true to say that Cicero, philosopher and lawyer, didn’t know what hit him. He tried to throw a couple of rocks but he flailed as Terni the Dragon came hurtling from the sky. "Dragon One to Wabbit. I have Cicero on visual. Over." Terni dived straight at Cicero and feinted right, spiralled up, then made another pass. "He’s out of rocks, shall I apprehend him?" Terni’s radio crackled and the Wabbit spoke. "What do you mean he’s out of socks?" "Your radio need new batteries, Commander," said Terni. "Detain him until our arrival," said the Wabbit. "How long will you be?" said Dragon. The radio coughed and spluttered but Terni couldn’t hear a word. "I’ll have to keep Cicero talking," thought Terni and he swooped down. Cicero trembled. "Are you going to eat me?" Terni fluttered his cabbage wings. "I’m vegetarian," he said. "Are you then in league with the rabbits?" "What league are we talking about?" said Terni. "They took my stone," said Cicero and they will use it for evil beyond belief." "I don’t like the sound of that one bit," said Terni, "but since we’re here and we have to wait, fill me in." "I am not ashamed to confess I am ignorant of what I do not know," said Cicero. "Yet I do know this. They are large and strong and chatter with terrible teeth." I’ve heard the Commander speak of them," said Terni. "The Commander?" asked Cicero. "The Commander will help you get your stone," said Terni. "Why?" said Cicero. "He gets bored," smiled Terni. 

1. The Wabbit and Philosophers Rocks

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette arrived in Rome well ahead of the rest and immediately found themselves in the thick of the action. "There he is!" yelled Lapinette. "Look out!" shouted the Wabbit as a missile whistled past their heads. "Hey you!" called the Wabbit as another rock came crashing his way. "Do knock it off!" "I know that guy," said Lapinette. "Personally?" asked the Wabbit, dodging again. "I know of him, he’s a philosopher." "Philosophers don’t throw rocks," shouted the Wabbit, "they sit and think." "His name's Cicero!" shouted Lapinette. "Kicker-oh is right!" raged the Wabbit looking round for a loose cobble. "He’s a menace." "Where’s my stone?" shouted Cicero. "Give me back my stone!" The Wabbit threw a small cobble and the man disappeared round a corner. Lapinette scowled and kicked the Wabbit in the shins. "Now we have to chase him." "He won’t get far," said the Wabbit, reaching in his fur for his walkie talkie. "All personnel, man in white possibly Cicero, heading your way." The radio crackled. "Watch out for big rocks," shouted the Wabbit, The radio crackled again. "No not socks!" he yelled, thumping the radio with his paw. Lapinette nudged the Wabbit. "Cicero says it’s better to receive than inflict an injury."  The Wabbit’ eyes went wide then met in the middle. "And the philosopher's stone turns lead into gold," she added. "That’ll come in handy," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at the pre Xmas Caffè

"What are we having?" said Skratch. "Not spam!" said the Wabbit. "Apparently spam is completely off all the menus," chuckled Lapinette. "Yes, you can’t get that stuff no more," sang Wabsworth. "What will we have then?" grinned the Wabbit. "Pre-Christmas food of course," said Lapinette. "That reminds me," said the Wabbit, "we must leave for Rome tomorrow." "Have you heard something?" asked Lapinette in surprise. "I have," said the Wabbit. "I had word from Food Dragon that someone in white is going around throwing rocks at people." "Socks?" asked Skratch. Everyone laughed. "Rocks aren’t usually our territory," said Lapinette. "These are special rocks that make people feel funny," murmured the Wabbit. Wabsworth, the Wabbit’s android double smirked. "Funny ha ha?" he asked. "Funny peculiar!" responded the Wabbit.  "I’ll ask what the Cats of Rome have seen," said Skratch. The Wabbit nodded and turned to Wabsworth. "Wabsworth, round up the gang and tell them this is a WabCom 1 alert." "I need to eat," said Wabsworth. "Tell them tomorrow," said the Wabbit. "In the meantime we need to replenish our batteries." "My tradition is to eat fish before Christmas," smiled Skratch. "Zucchine flowers to start," said Lapinette. "Shoots and leaves for me," said the Wabbit. "Eats shoots and leaves?" enquired Lapinette archly. "That reminds me," said the Wabbit. "We will all need our automatics."

9. The Wabbit & Prisoners from Spam

Skratch observed the whole thing from a suitable vantage point and for once, felt like a feline cat. His ears pricked and swivelled from the Wabbit to Duetta and the spiders. "Oh here’s his Wabbitness," whispered a spider. "Salute your superior officer, or I’ll dismember your limbs," snapped Duetta. The spiders cringed back and made wavy signs at the Wabbit. Skratch gazed as the Wabbit returned the salutes. Then Duetta bowed to the Wabbit. "You first," she said, nodding towards the unfortunate spam. The Wabbit's voice boomed, "Spam, give us the names and addresses of all your sources!" "You so need a bigger pen," said a pointy spam. The Wabbit sighed and nodded to Duetta. "From whence did you come?" she snarled. "24 hour online pharmacy," said the spam. There was a strained silence and Skratch watched in awe as Duetta shrugged. Her head turned to the Wabbit and for just an instant their eyes met equally, then blinked. "You may as well eat them," said the Wabbit. Duetta shuddered. "I hate the taste of spam," she said. "Oh, go on, go on," smiled the Wabbit, rummaging in his fur for a jar of brown sauce. "Not even with peanut butter," scowled Duetta, "perhaps may I call you Wabbit?" "OK, Marshall Duetta Spyder," grinned the Wabbit. "My brigade is at your command, Commander," said Duetta silkily. Only Skratch noticed the Wabbit’s look of surprise. But the Wabbit's voice was calm. "And from me in return?" "Leadership," replied Duetta.

8. The Wabbit & Duetta's Digital Filter

Connected to Turbina the Jet Car’s on-board computer, Duetta created a digital filter across the roof of the Great Spiral Ramp - and they all watched as the pointy spam drew close. Some of the spam was huge, but the filter held and one by one they stuck fast. All except for a single spam. "A blighter got through," shouted the Wabbit. Duetta snarled a command to a confederate. "Round it up and hold it for questioning!" Up on the ramp, Lapinette and Wabsworth watched a Red Spider clinically capture the spam and inject it with venom. "I said hold it for questioning, not eat it," shouted Duetta. Skratch looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit raised his eyes skywards as the Red Spiders detained any spam that somehow made it through. "I wouldn’t like to be spam today," said Skratch. "No, there’s a nip in the air," said the Wabbit looking across to Turbina. "My computer is at the limit of its capacity," she said, "and I’m trying to keep Duetta out of my database." "Cut her off," said the Wabbit, "her job is done." The filter froze in place with its cargo of trapped spam and the Red Spiders clicked and hissed in satisfaction. Then there was silence. Lapinette was speaking in Wabsworth’s ear but in the still her whisper was a shout. "Is the spam dead, Wabsworth?" "I’m not sure how sentient they were," replied Wabsworth. "They’re dead but not as we know it." "Hey Wabbit!" said Skratch. The Wabbit turned and Skratch mimed a camera. "If I saw this in the movies, I wouldn’t believe it!"

7. The Wabbit & Duetta the Red Spider

Skratch and the Wabbit emerged as Turbina screeched into the square with reinforcements. But the only way to look was up. Suddenly time froze as they were drenched in a violent light. "I can only keep them out for a short while," hissed Duetta. Skratch scratched his head. "I thought she was the last of the Red Spiders." "Look what thought did," grimaced the Wabbit. "You have five minutes to come up with a plan, Commander," said Duetta. "If the pointy spam break though my force field, they’ll torment us to death." "We need a spam filter," said the Wabbit. Duetta lost no time. "What about a digital filter with a cascaded series of second-order biquad sections?"  The Wabbit didn’t turn a hair. "Make it so," he barked. Lapinette nudged Wabsworth. "He’s very strict with Duetta." Turbina laughed. "He’d better be in charge of her, or she’ll be the boss of him." Lapinette looked at Turbina's dashboard curiously. "File number X3705 offers a complete dossier on the activities of the Red Spiders," she said, "but it’s restricted." "To who?" asked Wabsworth, making the sound of an owl. "Me!" snapped Turbina. "Turbina!" called the Wabbit. "Duetta needs to access your on-board computer." "Over my dead battery," said Turbina. "Then we’re all doomed," said the Wabbit. "It'll cost you new tyres," said Turbina. "OK," growled the Wabbit. "And a salad sandwich," said Turbina.

6. The Wabbit and a Favour for Spam

Suddenly a vast swarm of spam wheeled towards Skratch and the Wabbit. "Pointy spam!" shouted Skratch. "Run!" shouted the Wabbit and they fled into the building and down a staircase. But the staircase began to warp as the spam swarmed down. A menacing sound split the air and Skratch bellowed above it. "Do you have any favours to call in?" "I don’t want to call one in!" yelled the Wabbit. "Aaagh. Why not?" screeched Skratch. "Then I'd be even," gasped the Wabbit. "Even is good," shouted Skratch as a pointy spam grazed his ear. "I like to be uphill of even," rasped the Wabbit, hopping rapidly down the bending stairs. "We don’t have a choice," screamed Skratch. "Choice" echoed and echoed above the wail of the spiky spam. The Wabbit pulled his walkie talkie from his fur and yelled, "Wabsworth, Patch her through!" "Are you certain commander?" "Patch! Her! Through!" growled the Wabbit as a spiky spam hurtled between his legs. The radio whined. "Commander, I told you so," said the silky voice of Duetta, the Red Spider. The Wabbit didn’t have a clue what she meant. "We need your help," muttered the Wabbit. "I can't hear you," sang Duetta. "We need your help," screamed the Wabbit. "I’ll be right over," said Duetta. The radio went dead and Skratch glanced at the Wabbit. "Whats up, Doc?" he shouted. "We’re going to get techie," said the Wabbit.

5. Wabsworth and the Flavour of Spam

The Wabbit’s android double, Wabsworth, was working undercover selling ice cream when Lapinette came hopping through the porticos. "Hello Wabsworth," she smiled, "any news from the front?" "Nothing but spam on the wire," said Wabsworth. "But I’m sure the Commander is on the tippety-top of things." Lapinette raised both eyebrows. "He’ll track the spammers down, Spaminette," said Wabsworth in a soothing tone, "so don’t you worry." "Well, I’ll just have an ice cream while I’m waiting," said Lapinette. "I’ll have artichoke flavour please." Wabsworth frowned.  "I’m sorry, I’ve only got ..." " Spam," groaned Lapinette.  "It’s not just spam," said Wabsworth, "It's succulent, dried spam, sweated in the heat of the midday sun." "What about the flies?" said Lapinette. "They’re extra," said Wabsworth, Lapinette hopped from one foot to another. "What else?" she snapped. "OK, I have sweet chili spam," said Wabsworth. "Grrr," said Lapinette. "Or there’s goatball spam, or pongy onion and garlic spam." "I have a meeting to go to," yelled Lapinette and she stamped her foot crossly and sighed. "I’m fed up with spam, Spamsworth. "I could sprinkle spamsamic vinegar on the top," said Wabsworth. "I don’t like spam, I don’t want spam," yelled Lapinette, "and the sooner Skratch and the Wabbit get to the bottom of the spam, the better I will like it." Suddenly there was a hissing sound. Wabsworth’s ears pricked up and he glanced sideways at his walkie talkie. "Now that sounds like news on the shortwave band," he grinned.

4. The Wabbit and Combination Spam

Tracking the shortwave spam signal, Skratch and the Wabbit drove stealthily up to a strange building. "There's been a sudden demand for maps?" commented Skratch. "What on earth is that?" muttered the Wabbit, pointing to the objects sailing through the air. "It’s combination spam, Commander," said Turbina the Jet Car. "It’s particularly dangerous, so don’t get too close. And whatever you do, don’t eat any." The Wabbit screwed up his eyes and tried to read the messages, but he was too far away. "Use your special glasses, Wabbit," said Turbina. They all waited for an age while the Wabbit’s head movements suggested he was reading. "Hmm, yes I see," said the Wabbit. "I can help a widow in the third world and I will receive 3 billion euro," "Ha ha ha," laughed Skratch. "No, no," said the Wabbit. "All I have to do is send my bank details." "Anything else?" sighed Turbina. "Yes," said the Wabbit. "I may avail of a Rolex Submariner watch for a miserly sum." "They’re cheesy imitations," said Skratch, who had a real one. "Well what about this?" asked the Wabbit. "That mail there says that my pen is too small and that I can easily make my existing pen bigger." Turbina groaned but Skratch chuckled. "I have a perfectly good pen in my fur," continued the Wabbit, rummaging a bit. "In fact, I have three in case the other two don’t work." "Look Wabbit, they want you to buy pills," said Skratch. "Pills won’t make my pen any bigger," said the Wabbit. "I think it works with fountain pens," said Turbina.

3. The Wabbit and the Short Wave Dial

Turbina the Jet Car turned onto Corso Svizzera. The Wabbit felt that was a good place to look for the source of the spam invasion - and both he and Skratch glanced to right and left in search of a clue, without success. "Where would it all start?" murmured the Wabbit, "it has to come from somewhere" "It doesn’t sound like any of our enemies," purred Skratch. "No, it’s not their meat and two veg," said the Wabbit, "this is highly invidious." "And insidious," added Skratch. "Enough of the big words and more action, boys," said Turbina. "What about some sounds, Turbina?" asked Skratch. "I would oblige," said Turbina, "but I’m swamped with static. There’s nothing on the air." The radio crackled and whined and whistled. "Try Short Wave," suggested the Wabbit. "But there was only a quiet hissing sound. "Try 19000 kiloHertz," said the Wabbit. Suddenly Lapinette’s voice broke through. "This is the Voice of the Department of Wabbit Affairs," she said solemnly. There was a pinging sound and after a very a long pause, Lapinette’s  voice spoke again. "This is the Voice of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." Then the ping pinged again. "I’m not sure how long I can take this," said Turbina. Skratch shook his head. "Well, it’s not spam," chortled the Wabbit. "Just run through the dial, Turbina." There were a few squeaks and squawks and then they all froze. "Spam spam spam. Poing! Spam spam spam. Poing!  Spam spam spam. Poing!" Can you get a fix on that, Turbina? said Skratch. "I can," said Turbina. "Silent approach," said the Wabbit. 

2. The Wabbit and 50 shades of Spam

The Wabbit was at Feltrinelli’s bookshop in the railway station to research spam, when Skratch hove into sight. "Hello Spamch, you're just the fellow I want to see," called the Wabbit. "Hello Spambit, I had some trouble getting here," said Skratch. "My tram was full of spam." "It’s everywhere. And it’s getting worse," said the Wabbit. "The Department wants us to investigate." "I’m hardly surprised," said Skratch. "Did you see these mothers pushing their spam?" The Wabbit looked aghast. "It’s horrifying," he said. "When I catch the spam artist responsible for this, I’ll make him eat all the spam in the city." "I'll hold him down," said Skratch. They both nodded in agreement. "So where do we start?" asked Skratch. "Where does spam come from?" "Somewhere obvious," said the Wabbit. "Somewhere we wouldn’t think of," added Skratch. "Right under our noses," said the Wabbit and his nose twitched several times. "I can smell it already," said Skratch.  "Turbina the Jet Car has just been serviced. We could cruise around," said the Wabbit. "We’ll look into every nook and cranny. "I’m with you," said Skratch. "But let’s sit down and make a plan. May I offer you a spametivo?" "It’s all you can get," sighed the Wabbit. 

1. The Wabbit and Unbearable Spam

The Wabbit leaned forward to speak to Lapinette. "Are you sure she’s been serviced properly?" he asked. "Of course I have," said Turbina the Jet Car, "I suppose you want me to take you to Rome?" "I didn’t say anything about Rome," said the Wabbit. "I know what you’re thinking," replied Turbina. "Oh why don’t you two get a garage or something?" said Lapinette huffily and she wiped the remains of a salad sandwich from the dashboard. "Look Wabbit, your dinner’s here from last time." "That’s mine!" said Turbina, so please leave it in the glove compartment." Lapinette slammed the compartment shut. "Wabbit, there’s another mission coming up." The Wabbit brightened and leaned through Turbina's window. "The Department has been receiving an unbearable amount of spam," said Lapinette. "It's arriving every day. No-one can move for spam." "What’s spam, remind me?" asked the Wabbit. "Is it that that food that comes in a can?" Lapinette sighed. "Because I can never open these things," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed again. "Well, the opener goes all the way round until nearly the end," said the Wabbit, "and then it comes off and hurts my paw." Lapinette glared at the Wabbit. "Spam is unsolicited e-mail. It’s clogging up departmental bureaucracy." The Wabbit’s eyes sparkled with delight. "I do hope it hasn’t delayed my departmental evaluation." Lapinette shook her head. "That's scheduled as usual," she smiled. "I have an urgent priority appointment in Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit & the Goddess Debriefing

The Wabbit suddenly found himself in the Dark Basement of the Goddesses and he was indeed in his own fur. So he shrank back as Unut bore down on him. "Commander!" said Unut. "Your Goddess Highness-in-charge," trembled the Wabbit. "What was that for a sort of mission?" asked Unut. The Wabbit was silent. "I will tell you," said Unut. "First there was the rabble rousing rally." "Yes," acknowledged the Wabbit. "Then came the show-off pyrotechnics," growled Unut. "Mmm," said the Wabbit. "And after that, there was the sarcastic sermon," sighed Unut. "I suppose so," muttered the Wabbit. Suddenly, Unut leaned back and smiled a broad smile. The Wabbit looked up hopefully. "Skratch the Cat Burglar was exemplary in every department and conducted himself with aplomb," she said. "Oh yes?" brightened the Wabbit as Unut continued. "And for this reason, Bastet, Cat Goddess is extremely pleased. "Oh everything’s fine then?" said the Wabbit. "Everything’s finally fine," said Unut. "So may I offer you a coffee?" "A mug for me," gasped the Wabbit. "This turn of events is fortunate, my Emissary," said Unut, "because otherwise I would now owe you two whole favours." The Wabbit raised a querulous eye at Unut’s striking frame as she continued. "But Bastet now owes a Goddess favour to Skratch the Cat, "so I only owe you one and a half favours." The Wabbit was relieved. "I’ll have the half favour now," he grinned. It was Unut’s turn to raise an eye. "I’ll take another pot of that coffee," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's between-adventures Lunch

The three met for a celebration lunch just round the comer from Largo di Torre Argentina, where the Wabbit had a special arrangement with a popular restaurant. "Well hello li’l lady," said Skratch. "John Wayne!” said Lapinette, waving a paw. Skratch swaggered. "Talk low, talk slow and don’t say too much," he drawled. "What happened to the Normots?" asked Lapinette. "They’re helping the cats," said the Wabbit. "Feeding them and cleaning out their quarters?" suggested Lapinette. "No, they’re raising funds on a Fun Run," confessed the Wabbit. Lapinette hopped up and down. "It will keep them off the streets," she giggled. They all laughed but it couldn’t cover the sound of the Wabbit’s stomach grumbling. "Carciofi alla giudia for me!" cried Lapinette. "I think I’ll have ricotta cheesecake," said Skratch. "Vellutata di funghi," murmured the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "Are you going to show off your dialect skills?" she asked and nudged Skratch. "Mi a gh'eva, ti at gh'evi, lu al gheva," said the Wabbit. "That sounds like a conjugation," laughed Lapinette.  "It always worked for me," said the Wabbit. "But it doesn’t get my artichokes," said Lapinette and she pointed accusingly. "In that adventure, you were the Bad Tempered Emissary of the Gods!" The Wabbit cringed because he had quite forgotten that it was the Rabbit Goddess who had sent him on mission - but Lapinette hadn’t. "I wouldn’t like to be in your fur when you next meet Unut," she said. "Neither would I," murmured the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit takes the Surrender

The Wabbit addressed the two Normot delegates who had been pushed to the front. "Please sign the terms of surrender and return them to me." The Normots shivered in the water. "Sign!" growled the Wabbit. "Are you going to kill us?" asked the first Normot. "I’m a rabbit not a monster," smiled the Wabbit. "It says on the television that we shouldn’t sign things," they said together. The Wabbit grinned. "I was on television," he said and he flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his coat. "I was on Island of the Famous." Both Normots looked in awe and their mouths dropped open. "I want to touch your fur," said the second Normot. "That would be a start," replied the Wabbit. The Normots looked blank for a long time and the Wabbit hopped up and down. "You must love the cats," he hissed. "But they’re inappropriately sited," said the first Normot. "They poo," said the other. "Embrace chaos and love the cats," said the Wabbit. There was silence. "Repeat after me, “We embrace chaos and we love the cats”," shouted the Wabbit and he stamped his foot. "I don’t know how," moaned the second Normot. "Chaos was on the Discovery Channel," advised the Wabbit. The Normots looked at each other and nodded vigorously, again and again. "Then we’ll try," they shouted. "We embrace chaos!" "You see how easy it was," smiled the Wabbit with a wicked grin. "Yes!" they cried with delight. "We don’t mind cat poo now and we’ll pick it up and eat it." The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "This isn’t Bear Grylls," he sighed, "and they’re felines not lagomorphs."

8. Skratch stands in the Way

The Normots fled the Largo di Torre Argentina and the 400 Rabbits. But they ran straight into the paws of Skratch and his entourage - and found themselves bottled in a narrow passageway. "Let us through!" they cried. "You're all under arrest,” said Puma, who had loped straight from the railway station. Skratch leant close to Puma and in a stage whisper asked, "What is the punishment for cat harassment in Rome?" "Death," growled Puma. Skratch knew Puma was prone to exaggeration, but he let it stand and watched as the Normots tried to think. "Save us!" shouted the Normots. "We’re obliged to take you to Commander Wabbit who will decide terms for your surrender," purred Skratch. "No, no," wailed the Normots, "he’s mean and nasty." "Oh I know," said Skratch. "But he can’t help it. Now turn around." "What will we do?" cried one Normot. "Feel ashamed," suggested Skratch, "feel very ashamed." But the Normots didn’t know how to feel anything. "Well at least look ashamed," added Skratch. The Normots gazed at each other with blank eyes. "Try looking at the ground and shuffling your feet," he suggested. "Does that work?" whispered Puma. "No, but it will be fun to watch," murmured Skratch. The Normots wheeled around reluctantly, but one turned back. "Shall we appeal to the Wabbit’s better nature?" All the cats started to laugh. "He hasn’t got one," said Skratch.

7. The Wabbit & the Normots' Normality

The 400 Rabbits rounded up a group of Normots responsible for expelling the cats - and brought them to the Wabbit. The Wabbit looked at them with the utmost disdain. "Abandon the territory," he said. "We won’t," they cried. "Then abandon hope," said the Wabbit with a chilling shrug. The Normots cringed back but the 400 Rabbits poked them in the back and nudged them forward. The Wabbit leant towards the Normots. "The cats have been here since the Romans," he advised, but he heard no reply. "They have staying power, and we will reinstate them." "Why?" shouted a Normot. "Because I say so!" shouted the Wabbit. "It’s not normal," said the leading Normot. "It’s just not normal at all." The Wabbit glared. "We like things to be normal," continued the Normot. "We like to speak normal." "Norma-lly," corrected the Wabbit. "It stands to reason," said the Normot with the sign. The Normots took courage and started to chant. "Hygienic archaeology, hygienic archaeology. Dirty cats out!" The Wabbit put his paws over his ears. "Shut up or I’ll shoot the lot of you myself," he said. But the Wabbit was a little embarrassed by his poor temper and adopted a conciliatory tone. "Let’s be civilised," he said. "You can do this the hard way or the easy way."  "Which is normal?" said a Normot. "The easy way," laughed the Wabbit. "Then what should be do?" asked a Normot. "Under these circumstances," said the Wabbit, "it would be normal to run."

6. The Night of the 400 Rabbits

They waited until nightfall when the Largo di Torre Argentina was deserted. Then the 400 Rabbits swept in without effort to seize the space. Soon every nook, cranny and crevice was alive with armed rabbits. The Wabbit looked down from the wall until the rabbits assembled and then he waved his paws around in a very special way. Instantly, the shadow of a man appeared on the moon and the 400 Rabbits let forth a low, menacing growl. "400 Rabbits!" shouted the Wabbit. Every pillar echoed to the hum of charging snaser guns. "Let them know we’re here!" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette repeatedly fired her automatic in the air and gave forth a warbling, blood-curdling scream as a round of tracer bullets sliced through the night. The 400 Rabbits immediately raised and fired their weapons. And as the sky glowed with blue light from their snasers, they too screamed with such intensity that it hurt the Wabbit’s head. But all across the city, cats’ ears pricked as they heard the frightening sound. They looked at each other and nodded, then one by one they started padding towards the old ruins that were rightfully theirs. There was to be no sleep for anyone in Rome that night. "Our enemies left the space clear," muttered the Wabbit. "They will regret their error." He watched as some of the 400 rabbits danced a war dance through the ancient temples, threading their way through the pillars and singing lustily. "Hey Lapinette!" he called. Lapinette looked up. "Whatever happened to Saturday night?" asked the Wabbit.

5. Skratch of the Advance Guard

Skratch carefully skirted Largo di Torre Argentina and the Normots, then prowled through the ruins behind the Roman Ghetto. "Meow!" said a black cat on the wall. Skratch turned abruptly and rattled his weapon. "I didn’t get as far as I've come today, by meowing," he said sharply. "Exactly how far did you come, Mr Skratch?" smiled the large red-flecked cat on the road. Skratch casually slung his snaser gun across his back and proffered a paw. "Antiquicat I presume? I have a message from the Wabbit," he said strictly. "How is the Commander?" said Antiquicat. "Furious," said Skratch. "He said to wait for his signal." "What will that look like?" asked Antiquicat with a faint smile. Skratch paused because he hadn't been told, then shrugged his broad shoulders. "Oh you know the Wabbit," he said. "Probably he’ll wave his paws around and make a shadow of a person on a wall." "I already owe him a favour," said Antiquicat. "You can buy him lunch later," said Skratch. "Why can’t we just find a new home?" said the cat near the wall. Skratch wheeled round. "You’d miss the shops," he growled and turned back. "Listen up, fellow felines, the Rabbits will take back the territory and hold it for your return." "What then?" asked Antiquicat. "You and the rest of the cats will replace them, while we pursue and confine your enemies." "Rabbits, plural?" queried Antiquicat. "The Wabbit brought his private guard," said Skratch.  Antiquicat’s eyes widened. "I almost feel sorry for the Normots," he murmured. "The 400 Rabbits will deep fry their pizzas," nodded Skratch.

4. The Wabbit takes Rome

As instructed, the 400 Rabbits took Rome by surprise. Somehow Lapinette had obtained special permission and the Wabbit looked on as the 400 Rabbits shouldered their arms and swept across the famous piazza. He waved for Lapinette’s attention. "They certainly won’t expect us to come this way," he yelled. "How did you pull that off?" "Do you think you’re the only rabbit with friends in high places?" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned too and called Skratch on his walkie-talkie, as he insisted on calling it. "Go ahead to the target Skratch and round up as many cats as you can. See if you can find Antiqicat and tell him to wait for my signal." Skratch nodded and the radio hissed. “It's two klicks to target," said Skratch "So I’m headed for the short cut across the river." And with that he was gone and the Wabbit looked back. To any innocent bystander, there seemed to be as many as 4000 rabbits, because they just kept coming. Then the Wabbit heard a noise. It was the faint sound of applause and he realised something - so he called to Lapinette. "It was Cardinal Lapin, wasn’t it?" "He gives Pets Blessings at San Giovanni dei Fiorentini," shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit narrowed his eyes and peered into the distance. He saw a flash of red and used his special glasses. Yes, there he was - Cardinal Lapin himself, nodding benevolently as the 400 Rabbits raced to save the cats of Rome.

3. The Wabbit gives the Order

Lapinette had readied all the Wabbit’s private guard and they waited at the Palatine gates to do his bidding. "Do your thing, Wabbit!" said Lapinette and she fired her automatic four times in the air. The Wabbit hopped forward with a clatter of armoury. "How many are you?" he yelled. "We are the 400!" came the reply. The Wabbit paused for effect. "And where are we?" he shouted. The 400 rabbits shouted as one. "Turin, the old capital!" "So where are we going?" screamed the Wabbit. "Rome!" they scoffed. The Wabbit looked over his shoulder at Lapinette and grinned. Lapinette frowned at the Wabbit. "They’ll do anything you say, so don’t make jokes," she hissed. The Wabbit turned back and raised a paw. "What is our motto?" "Out of our way," they yelled. "And what of our enemy?" "Already vanquished!" they roared and the ground shook under their paws. The Wabbit tuned to Skratch. “So far so good,” he murmured. "They’re scary," said Skratch. "Are you sure you have them under control?" "Just watch," said the Wabbit and he yelled "Ale' Toro!" "Ale’ Toro!" they screamed. "Stamp the grass and scare the snake!" shouted the Wabbit. This time the 400 waited silently. "Sweep through their territory," he yelled. The 400 assembled into formations and formally hopped forward. "Better get out their way," said Lapinette and the Wabbit leapt aside as they crashed through the gates. "Where did you get that screen?" asked Lapinette. "Borrowed it from Cinecittà Roma" said the Wabbit.  

2. The Wabbit is Thrice Briefed

Thoth was a God who was thrice great - and he knew it. But he liked the Wabbit and spoke in a friendly voice. "Thrice hello Wabbit!" The Wabbit leant back against Thoth's imposing frame  "I’ve come for my briefing," he said. "Well, you’ve come to the right God," said Thoth, "because I can both name and describe the enemy who want to expel the Roman cats from their ancient home." The Wabbit looked up and listened. "The enemy are called the Normots and they are thrice normal." boomed Thoth. "Thrice normal!" breathed the Wabbit in horror. "Yes," confirmed Thoth, "they are very sick indeed. They have no subjectivity and move themselves as objects in a world of objects." The Wabbit, who had trained in analytical psychology in Geneva, nodded gravely. "Then they are most dangerous," he said, "because they recognise no feelings of their own." "Thrice correct Wabbit," said Thoth." But they observe feelings in others and copy or steal them. They are therefore stupid yet cunning." "Mmmm," said the Wabbit. "Shall we confront these Normots?" "Hah Hah Hah!" boomed Thoth. "They may not even understand your purpose and that is thrice to your advantage." The Wabbit shook his head. "Do they know we’re coming?" he asked . "Of course not," said Thoth, "They are many, but they don’t know whether they’re coming or going." "Yet they know enough to organise this expulsion," observed the Wabbit. "They watch television," sighed Thoth.

1. The Wabbit & Unut's Goddess News

"You look sleepy, Wabbit, would you care for a coffee?" Unut’s voice was barely a whisper in the vast Basement of the Goddesses. The Wabbit yawned. "I don’t mind if I do," he said and downed a cup in a single movement. "Wabbit, I may speak only with you and I am charged with asking for something on behalf of the Goddesses." "The Goddesses!"  echoed the Wabbit. "Oh they know you well," said Unut. "They repeat your jokes incessantly and bellow with laughter." The Wabbit resolved to cut down on his jokes in case it got him into trouble. And while he was resolving, Unut spoke again." "It is Bastet, Cat Goddess, who asks that you be her champion in a certain matter." "I’ll certainly do what I can," said the Wabbit. "The venerable cats of Torre Argentina in Rome are being expelled from their ancient home in the ruins," said Unut gloomily. The Wabbit’s fur stood on end. "What!" he cried,  "I’m on my way immediately." Unut frowned. "Be still, Commander, don’t throw yourself at an enemy when you don’t know even its name." "This is personal," said the Wabbit and he hopped up and down. "You’ll need help," smiled Unut. "So take your 400 Rabbits and that Skratch the cat burglar." "I’ll round them up," said the Wabbit. "We march at dawn!" "Dawn has long passed," said Unut. "Then we march at dusk," cried the Wabbit, "and we’ll be mob-pawed and armed to the teeth." "Wait!" Said Unut, "Thoth will brief you." "I will be thrice briefed," sighed the Wabbit, who was anxious to be on his way. "Have another coffee," suggested Unut. The Wabbit nodded his head. "Then I'll jump to it!"

The Wabbit and the Hallowe'en Wand

Lapinette and the Wabbit had been for a hop on the beach. They were idly chatting when Lapinette suddenly produced a magic wand from behind her back and waved it around. “Look what I found," she chanted. "It has a little button and when you press it, the wand makes a zingy note." The Wabbit look nonplussed. "Don’t press the button," he advised. "You always press buttons," said Lapinette. "I have a feeling in my fur," replied the Wabbit, "don’t you remember what day this is?" "It’s Hallowe’en," chortled Lapinette, "when all manner of strange creatures are abroad." "Apart from us?" quipped the Wabbit. But Lapinette waved the wand again and just as the Wabbit reached out to grab it, she pressed the button. "You see, nothing happens," said Lapinette. "Behind you," groaned the Wabbit. Lapinette grinned. "I'm not falling for that one, that’s the oldest trick in the book." "Humour me," said the Wabbit. "No, no, no!" cried Lapinette and she tapped the Wabbit on the head. Stars flew from the wand and it made a most lyrical sound. “Oooh," said Lapinette, "that sounded Egyptian." "I dare say," said the Wabbit and he stared at a point behind Lapinette’s head. "Waaabbit!" boomed a voice that echoed from the rocks. "You are invited to an audience with Unut, Rabbit Goddess!" "Cute trick Wabbit! said Lapinette, "you can throw your voice so well." "The Dark Basement of the Goddesses, tomorrow morning!" boomed the voice. "Oh, you’re always joking," said Lapinette. "My diary needs adjusting," sighed the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit and the Trope Trick

As the friends waited on drinks to arrive, Skratch stood up and patted the Wabbit. "May I say," he boomed, "what at an excellent adventure that was." "You may," said the Wabbit, winking at Lapinette, "but you also have to tell us what kind of adventure you think it was." Seeing his cue to make a speech, Skratch didn’t hesitate. "It was a noir of course!" The Wabbit cocked his ears and his eyes twinkled. "It started in the rain, then a spider woman appeared with a plan and there were shadows," said Skratch with enthusiasm. "Is that how you tell?" smiled the Wabbit, nudging Lapinette under the table. "Yes," said Skratch, "these are familiar tropes, exquisitely handled." "Oh Skratch, you silly sausage," said Lapinette. "What on earth is a trope?" The Wabbit leaned forward. "Skratch is referring to figures of speech expected by the audience, metaphors if you will." Now it was Lapinette’s turn to lean forward. "You mean the adventure all meant something else?" "Nearly," said Skratch. "Because of his desire for adventure, the Wabbit allowed himself to be drawn into something outside his control." The Wabbit nodded gravely as Skratch continued. "We know that Duetta’s shadows were reflections, denoting her possible duplicity." "Do go on," said Lapinette, and pretending to make notes, she kicked the Wabbit’s foot a little too hard. "Ouch" said the Wabbit. "There you are!" said Skratch, "that was a Wabbit trope."  The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "If I give him enough trope he’ll hang himself!" "That was a meme," said Lapinette.

9. The Wabbit & the Prisoners' Protocol

As the last of the surviving wasps were loaded into Quantum the Time Travelling Train, the Wabbit returned his badge of alliance to Duetta Spyder. "Marshall Spyder, since the battle is over and done, our alliance is now terminated," he stated tersely. "You are transporting them to the Sombrero Galaxy?" said Duetta. The Wabbit nodded. Duetta looked at the creatures. "I was rather hoping for a tasty wasp meal," she said, making gnashing noises with her teeth. The Wabbit grimaced. "We may one day be judged on the way we treat our prisoners," he said.  "But exile," said Duetta "is something of a waste." "It’s in the interest of biodiversity," quipped the Wabbit. "Not mine," said Duetta, rattling her legs. "Look, eating prisoners is just not the way we do things round here," snapped the Wabbit. Duetta looked at the Wabbit and softened and her voice became smooth and alluringly feminine. "All the same, I think I owe you something of a favour," she whispered in the silkiest of tones. The Wabbit did not respond because he felt an icy chill crawl across his fur. But as Duetta turned to go, he raised a paw in formal salute. "Goodbye, Marshall Spyder."  Swiftly, Duetta wheeled back and transfixed the Wabbit with eyes of steel. "Permission to speak frankly, Commander?" she asked. The Wabbit spread his paws wide. "Always," he said, automatically. "The trouble with you, Commander Wabbit - is that you think you’re God." The Wabbit shrugged and smiled the broadest of smiles. "I always aim for the best," said the Wabbit.