Friday, November 14, 2014

5. The Wabbit and a Talkative Dumpster

The Wabbit met with with Lapinette and together they went to the rail station to supervise materials for the Museum of Enemies. On the way, the Wabbit apprised Lapinette on developments. It was rather hot and as trucks passed in and out, they both drank several cans of Wabbit Cola. Lapinette looked at one of the many dumpsters. "They don't look dangerous." The Wabbit's 28 teeth chattered. "Marshall Duetta was adamant that dumpsters with teeth were all over the city." Lapinette shook her ears, steadied herself and threw her Cola can at the opening. Her aim was straight and the can disappeared. There was a clang and a gulp and something that sounded like a cough. "Correct aperture," said the Dumpster. "Your recycling efforts contribute to the safety of the planet. I can therefore wish you a nice day." Lapinette turned and glared at the Wabbit. "Is this something to do with your experiments?" "Nope," said the Wabbit. "I discontinued development of my automatic recyling can." From deep inside the dumpster, the hollow voice spoke. "Have you got any more?" Lapinette leaned forward and spoke into the container. "I'm afraid that's the last." "Oh," said the Dumpster, "they were nice. Do pass this way again." Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and he shrugged. So she turned back. "Maybe you can help us. We're looking for rogue dumpsters with teeth." "Devils!" cried the Dumpster. "Devils from out of town." "From where?" asked the Wabbit. "Roman dumpsters," said the Dumpster. "Treasure and trash," scowled the Wabbit.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

4. The Wabbit and Secret Intelligence

Leaving the castle behind, Wabsworth and the Wabbit hopped quickly for a tram - where they found not one but two surprises. Number Nine Tram was no ordinary tram and Marshall Duetta Spyder no customary spider. "Commander, I must speak with you." Duetta Spyder made a squiggly sign with one leg. "I wasn't expecting you and your android friend," said Nine the Tram, "do you need to visit the Late Tunnel, Wabbit?" The Wabbit grinned. "Maybe a little later, Nine." Duetta's silky voice cut sharply in. "This is most urgent, Commander." The Wabbit waved a squiggly wave with one paw. "Go ahead, Duetta." Duetta's legs rustled. "It's about enemies." Now it was Wabsworth's turn to make a squiggly wave. "The Wabbit's Museum of Enemies isn't open yet." "What museum?" asked Duetta. The Wabbit was beginning to regret his funding application. "A Museum of all my old enemies has been given the go-ahead." "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Commander," said Duetta. "But this is a completely new and original enemy." "I've no room," said the Wabbit. "They won't wait," replied Duetta. Wabsworth shrugged like the Wabbit. "OK, what are they like?" "It's hard to tell," said Duetta, "but they're dressed as trash dumpsters." "I've seen them," said Nine. "One disrupted my points on Corsa Svizzera. We were stuck for hours." "They're all over the city!" scowled Duetta. The Wabbit puzzled for a bit. "How do we recognise them from ordinary dumpsters?" "They have teeth," said Duetta.

Monday, November 10, 2014

3. The Wabbit scouts Locations

The Wabbit couldn't decide on suitable locations for his Museum of Enemies. "Old or new or both," he mused. He was wandering through the medieval castle when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. "Oh hello Wabsworth," he said, "you can help me out." Wabsworth was the Wabbit's android double and an exact copy. But beyond the point when he was made, he had his own experiences. That made for enjoyable confusion - so the Wabbit was pleased to see him. "What's new?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit smiled broadly. "Funds for my Museum of Enemies are available." "Excellent," said Wabsworth. "Your success is guaranteed." The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "Maybe. But I just don't know where to start." "I thought you already had," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked quizzical and Wabsworth glanced around. "I could swear I saw some enemies about - is it an installation?" "I don't like installations," said the Wabbit. "I was thinking of working models." Now it was Wabsworth's turn to look quizzical. "Where are all your enemies anyway?" "Banished mostly," sighed the Wabbit, "except for the MacDrabs. I blew them up." "Well, that looks like one over there," said Wabsworth, pointing to a shop. "I thought that was a Highland Outfitters," said the Wabbit. "They didn't have Highland Wear in Medieval Turin," replied Wabsworth. "OK," hissed the Wabbit, "pay no attention, look forward and just keep hopping." So they hopped and hopped, getting steadily quicker until the castle was far behind ...

Friday, November 07, 2014

2.The Wabbit and the Enemies Museum

The Wabbit had a downtime arrangement with a sleazy viewing theatre in Via Nizza, and there he met Lapinette to review his Museum of Enemies project. The Wabbit scratched his head. "I invited Renzo Piano along." "When's he coming?" said Lapinette. "He has to play another gig," chuckled the Wabbit, "but he gave me some advice."  Lapinette's voice was resigned. "He doesn't know your enemies like I do." She waved a paw at the ancient projectionist and the screen lit up. "Here are some old enemies," she said. "They'll help you decide what you want." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes until they were slits. "It could be a long corridor with enemies leering from either side." "A museum has to be a responsive space," sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit nodded. "I thought rods could come out and give electric shocks." Lapinette was horrified. "You haven't thought this out." She pondered for a while. "Does it have to be a building?" The Wabbit grinned. "No, it could be all over the place." Lapinette was on the edge of a wry comment, but nodded and waved her pointer. "Our enemies are everywhere, so why don't we put them everywhere?" "All over the city," said the Wabbit. "Working models?" suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled maliciously. "With special effects." "How's the budget?" asked Lapinette. "Huge," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked quizzical. "I thought you didn't like installations?" "I call it true life sculpture," smiled the Wabbit.  "Why have a got a bad feeling about this?" said Lapinette.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

1. The Wabbit and the Forgotten Funds

The Wabbit was hanging around. He was between adventures and was moaning quietly to himself when Lapinette sprang from round a corner. "You startled me," said the Wabbit. Lapinette knew the Wabbit didn't startle easily but she smiled a cheery smile. "What about the next adventure?" The Wabbit cheered. "Did you hear anything?" "Nope," said Lapinette, "so you can relax." That was the last thing the Wabbit wanted and he made a face. "Nothing threatening the universe?" "Zilch," said Lapinette. The Wabbit tried hard not to scowl and failed. "Maybe an attack on Turin?" he said with desperation. "All quiet," said Lapinette. "Personal threats perhaps," murmured the Wabbit hopefully. "Not a sausage," said Lapinette. The Wabbit hunched miserably and Lapinette took pity. "Well ..." The Wabbit brightened. "There's news about your project." Lapinette could hear the Wabbit's brain creaking, so she continued. "The funds for your Museum have arrived." The Wabbit froze then tried to think. "The Museum of ... " Lapinette laughed. "The Museum of Enemies!" The Wabbit had quite forgotten the complex series of funding manoevres he had set in motion - primarily due to boredom. "Funds from where?" he muttered. "The Carrot Club match-funded your Dinosaur Fund," said Lapinette. Now the Wabbit was grinning and Lapinette just couldn't help asking. "Wabbit, why do you want a Museum of Enemies?" "Because they'd hate it!" laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette wore an impish grin. "Maybe they'd like it." "Even better!" yelled the Wabbit.

Monday, November 03, 2014

The Wabbit and the Devil Red Caffè

Jenny had picked the Caffè, so she arrived fashionably late - as did Skratch the Cat from the other direction. Lapinette pointed at the hat. "Why does the hat have its own seat?" "No time, here comes Skratch," hissed Lapin who was strategically positioned at the rear. Jenny laughed and sat down beside him. "Skratch! What kind of adventure did we just have?" Skratch fairly bounced. "It was a splendid reflection on the antinomies of good and evil." "Agreed" smiled Lapin. But Skratch hadn't finished. "It refused admirably to locate horror within its diegetic referents." Wabsworth shook his head and sighed. "What about the hat?" The Wabbit smirked and said nothing. "And what did you do with the secret album inside the hat?" asked Lapin. The Wabbit wore a smug look. "I removed it and hid it." "Anywhere special?" asked Jenny. "In my fur," said the Wabbit. "No-one will ever find it there." Lapinette smiled sweetly because she had already found it - and indeed played it and stealthily replaced it. "It's a good album." "How do you know?" said the Wabbit sharply. Lapinette faltered. "Oh you know - that sort of jazz thing must be nice." Skratch rescued Lapinette. "Our adventure successfully avoided becoming a musical," he stated solemnly. Lapinette thought deeply. "Maybe there's something that's opposite to music?" "That's the chord I sang in the portico," said the Wabbit. "That's why I won." "But you can't kill the devil," said Lapin, "and he has the best tunes." "That's used to be the case," said the Wabbit with triumph. "But now he's tone deaf."

Friday, October 31, 2014

The Wabbit and the Hasty Hallowe'en

The team gathered at the rear of the old abandoned hospital for the hastily arranged Halloween party. They lit the remnants of their old fire and soon it was a hearty blaze. Shadows flickered spookily on the roof as the Wabbit turned to face an imaginary audience. He threw his arms wide like a bat and his voice bounced around the buildings. "Did you ever hear ... ?" asked the Wabbit. His audience drew a breath. The Wabbit started again. "Did you ever hear about the giant two-headed rabbit that wandered the Rannoch Moor crying for its lost soul?" They all shook their heads. "Neither did I," smiled the Wabbit. A loud groan creaked around the room beams. "It was just a joke," complained the Wabbit. "That wasn't us," said Lapinette. "Not guilty," said Skratch. "I distinctly heard a groan," said the Wabbit. "I thought it was more of a moan," said Wabsworth. "The same kind of moan the Bunnyman made?" said Skratch. "Oh, he only comes at midnight," said Lapin. "With his bloody axe," said Jenny. The Wabbit thought for a minute. "What time is it?" "It's just past twelve," said Lapinette. The Wabbit sighed with relief. "Well he won't be coming now." Just at that moment they heard a dreadful clattering of teeth and a voice moaned. "So late. Oh so late." "Late for what?" asked the Wabbit. "Late for the party," moaned the voice of the Bunnyman. The Wabbit turned to his audience, plucked a hidden speaker from his fur and grinned. "That Bunnyman is axing for trouble."

Thursday, October 30, 2014

14 The Wabbit and the Devil's Surprise

The Wabbit and Wabsworth made their way home, but there was something altogether spooky about Vinzaglio Metro. "I guess its nearly Hallowe'en," said Wabsworth, "shall we have a party?" The Wabbit grinned and tipped his hat back. "Why not!" "You can come as a cowboy," suggested Wabsworth. "Ghost Rider from the Sky," laughed the Wabbit. They chuckled for a while. "Did you hear a moaning?" asked the Wabbit. "Must be the escalator," shrugged Wabsworth. The Wabbit shook his head. "There it is again, listen." They stopped and waited. "I heard groooooh-grooooh to you," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit's fur tingled and his voice trembled. " He's back!" Wabsworth scrunchled against the wall as the hatless head of the Devil floated just above the escalator steps. It made grinding sounds that echoed from the Metro walls and it whispered threats of all that was Hell. The Wabbit stood his ground and snarled through his 28 teeth. "Egonebay oulfay iendfay!" The head turned very slowly and met his eyes. "I will cut off your head and put it on backwards." "On me or you?" asked the Wabbit. The Devil's angry retort was like the creak of a rusty tap. "I will put you upside down in a hole and set your paws on fire." "What about the snakes?" asked the Wabbit. "Any snakes in the hole?" Now the Devil's voice was like a saw. "Enough snakes to shake a stick at. Then I'll poke you with that stick." The Wabbit winked at Wabsworth and spoke to the Devil. "Are you coming to our Hallowe'en Party?"
[Egonebay oulfay iendfay: Pig Latin - Begone foul fiend]

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

13. The Wabbit's Date with the Devil

The Wabbit tipped the brim of the hat and it touched his glasses. Everything became hyper clear. The Devil was there of course, but the Wabbit ignored him and looked past to see Parakalo the Dove winging swiftly away. There was Wabsworth, his android double. He raised a paw and Wabsworth gestured back. "You were supposed to come alone," sneered the Devil. "We did come alone." The Devil heard the Wabbit and Wabsworth speak precisely as one and his voice weakened. "Give me my hat." The Wabbit was icy calm. Jazz played inside the hat and he listened carefully. He could hear spaces so he filled them with his own notes and tapped out rhythms with a paw. Wabsworth improvised. Bojangle sounds filled the portico and every tap drove the Devil lower. "I want what's mine," he gasped. The Wabbit gazed implacably as the Devil pleaded. "Give me my space. Give me the chord." The Wabbit looked down. "Want to hear it?" The Devil felt something he had never known. Fear chilled his every fibre. The Wabbit made a spooky sound that whined into existence like an overheating dynamo. Unable to muster strength, the Devil crumpled and grew infinitesimally small. The last thing he saw was a giant paw as it scuffed his remains on the sidewalk. Wabsworth hopped over to embrace the Wabbit and they danced to the last strains of music. "Devil got my sole!" sang the Wabbit.

Monday, October 27, 2014

12. The Wabbit and the Devil's Exit

The Wabbit and his team rushed through an atmosphere with a strange colour and an even stranger smell. It was a smell that had long deserted Porta Susa Station - and it tasted of steam locomotives and fire and sparks and hot oil. Summoned by Lapinette's amulet, Parakalo the Dove swooped through the dim light towards Jenny and ex-Cardinal Lapin. With one eye on the Wabbit and the other on the station's exits, he took charge of communications and the roof was alive with coos and clucks. "Where's the Devil now?" sighed Lapin. Jenny sniffed. "He's there - down in the metro still." Parakalo navigated the walkways and stairs like an eagle and peered in every corner. "He's trying to find his way out." he cooed. "The Wabbit bought some time," said Jenny, "but he has to fight this one on his own." Lapin stroked his Cardinal's robe and muttered a prayer. "Exorcizámos te, ómnis immúnde spíritus, ómnis satánic potéstas." For a moment something cleared around the Wabbit and he turned to speak with Lapinette and Skratch. "This is far enough for you both. I'll take it from here." They both looked crestfallen and hugged the Wabbit. In the midst of the embrace, the Wabbit shrugged with difficulty. "It's just me and the Devil and this Hat," he grinned, "what can possibly go wrong?" Lapinette let go of the Wabbit and with a delicate touch of her paw, she pressed her secret amulet. Up in the station roof, Parakalo gave a faint coo then suddenly wheeled and soared off at speed ...

Friday, October 24, 2014

11. The Wabbit & the Devil in the Way

Skratch and the Wabbit found their exit blocked. With a screechy wail the escalator moved towards them bringing the Devil with Lapinette in his grasp. He pointed and his finger shook with fury. "Give me my hat and I'll let her go." The Wabbit couldn't give him the hat even if he wanted to. "You lie!" scoffed Skratch. "It's my job," said the Devil. "Then no hat," shrugged Skratch. "Anyway, it suits the Wabbit better than you." The Wabbit looked past Lapinette and scowled straight at the Devil. "You can take a rabbit from a hat, but you can't take the hat from the rabbit!" The Devil shook Lapinette fiercely again and again. Then he shook her some more. Her legs flailed and her teeth chattered but the Wabbit noticed her clutching something - an amulet that started to glow. At that instant, something happened to the album inside his hat. It span and as it picked up speed, an enchanted tune whipped up like an old phonograph. "Play it, Wabbit," murmured Skratch, "Play it like it's yours." The Wabbit concentrated. His eyes narrowed and music whispered from the station loudspeakers. The Devil looked up and his grip on Lapinette slackened. Her amulet glowed fiercely and just as she chafed at the bonds that tied her paws, the Wabbit willed the music to boom through the station. With a grinding crash, the escalator stopped dead and the Devil dropped, clasping his ears in pain. Lapinette twisted free and rolled towards the Wabbit. As the Devil writhed in agony, Skratch and the Wabbit pulled Lapinette away. "How do you like your elevator music?" asked Skratch. "Holy minimalism!" yelled Lapinette.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

10. The Wabbit & the Sound of the Hat

The Wabbit had the Devil's hat but as he hopped outside, he realised he was somewhere completely different. He was not outside by a long chalk. He plodded forward anyway because he was in the metro. He even knew roughly where he was - but of why he was there, he knew nothing. The hat gripped his head and made a soft noise so the Wabbit grasped it by the brim and straightened it. Now it seemed to play a tune, but it was off key. Sometimes it was flat and sometimes it was sharp. He managed to make out a rhythm, but it was a rhythm of suffering that chilled his blood. He heard lyrics but the words were out of sync and the Wabbit could hardly distinguish them from each other. So he tried to repeat the words. "The sign, the chord, the groove, the album." His words popped, clicked and crackled and sibilants hissed along the tracks like railgrinders. Then another sound seemed to call his name. "Waaaaabit!" The Wabbit kept his nerve. "By the prickling of my ears," he murmured, "something wicked this way steers." That phrase didn't sound right to the Wabbit and he was about to revise it when he heard the call again. "Wabbit! Wait!" The Wabbit put his head down and ploughed forward. But the voice called again. "What's this for a diabolical adventure?" The Wabbit relaxed and turned. In the distance, he saw Skratch scrambling along the rails and he had never been so pleased to see him. "You scared the Hell out of me!" he grinned.

Monday, October 20, 2014

9. The Wabbit & the Devil's Own Error

The Wabbit and Lapinette sauntered into the record store alone. What they had to do was audacious - and everything had to be perfect. The Devil stood by the jukebox and he was sarcastic. "It's my small furry friends," he sneered. "Have you found my album and my sign?" "We can't agree on the sign," said the Wabbit," so it doesn't really matter." "You dare meddle with me!" screamed the Devil. The Wabbit stuck out his tongue and wiggled his ears. The Devil roared with fury but in his distraction he failed to notice Lapinette climb on a chair. The Wabbit knew Lapinette was very, very good at one particular thing that always made him smile. So he waited for it all to happen and addressed the Devil directly. "How's your singing voice, Devil? Missing a little verve?" The Devil's head turned and it was all Lapinette needed. With a flick of both paws, she tipped the Devil's hat and it span like a frisbee. "Aaaaagh!" shouted the Devil. "Give me back my hat!" But the hat spiralled across the record store. Now the Wabbit could see inside and he knew he was right. He adjusted his head, made his ears into spikes and with a deft movement that would have astonished a soccer forward, he caught the hat on his head and loped from the store. The Devil was seized by rage. He too had glimpsed inside his hat and he felt like a fool. Lapinette carefully backed away but she couldn't resist triumph. "Devil," she said softly, "don't you want to get ahead?" The Devil looked up mournfully. "Better get a hat," sang Lapinette.

Friday, October 17, 2014

8.The Wabbit : the Devil Rides Out

On the rooftops of the Bavarian Quarter, they watched him move out. "Do you suppose he gave up?" asked Jenny. Lapin shook his head. "The Devil never gives up." The Stetson loomed large across the city and Lapin drew a sharp breath as it cast a shadow over a church steeple. "Where's the fiend going?" he muttered. "I think I know," said the Wabbit. "He'll go back to where and what he knows." "The Devil is treacherous," said Lapinette. Lapin nodded. "So where is his circle of treachery?" They turned because the Wabbit was muttering and they could hear him. "It's all about something round." "We know that already," said Lapinette. The Wabbit looked up. "I know I'm missing something important." "Try to relax," said Lapinette. "You'll think of it at once." This always had the opposite effect and the Wabbit shook his head. Jenny intervened. "Stare at something and let your eyes go fuzzy." The Wabbit had no problem with this approach so he did exactly that. He stared and stared at the departing figure and let the whole scene drift out of focus. Everyone waited. The Wabbit's eyes turned into strange spirals. "I have it!" yelled the Wabbit. "Eureka?" smiled Lapin. "I told you so," said Jenny. "Explain!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned somewhat weakly. "I know where he's going and I know where the album is." "We've cracked it," said Jenny smugly. The Wabbit teeth set in a grimace. "We'll have the devil's own job to get it."

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

7. The Wabbit and the Iron Shield

They found themselves caged under a gloomy sky with ex-Cardinal Lapin. "The Devil can't get reach us in this place," said Lapin. "Cold iron binds him." "I can't believe you're here," said the Wabbit. "Did you get time off?" "For good behaviour," chuckled Lapin. The Wabbit shrugged pleasantly and smiled while Lapin patted his back. "Not even the Wabbit can fight the Devil alone." "We'd have managed," said the Wabbit, "so what do I call you these days?" "Frankie, like you used to," said Lapin. Lapinette was beginning to show impatience and held up the disc. "What about the Devil's lost chord, Frankie? What about his sign?" "That's not his disc, it's mine," laughed Lapin. "But now the Earl of Hell thinks we have his disc," grumbled Jenny. "Exactly," said Lapin. "He has to deal with us." The Wabbit was frustrated. "So where exactly is this album with the sign?" Lapin threw back his head and gurgled. "He has it himself, but he doesn't know." "Let's sing," said the Wabbit suddenly. Lapinette clapped a paw across her brow but Lapin and Jenny started to hum. It was evil sounding - dissonant, jarring and spooky at the same time. The Wabbit threw in some tritone chords for the sake of dread but he stopped as Lapinette's falsetto bounced without warning from the iron mesh. "We shall beset the ancient foe," she trilled. "for we doth seek to work him woe." The sky cleared. "You put the devil on edge," said Lapin.

Monday, October 13, 2014

6. The Wabbit and the Great Escape

There was a vicious crack as Jenny blew open the doors and the Wabbit and Lapinette were out and running. "What's she got in that hook?" yelled Lapinette. "Astrolite G," shouted the Wabbit. "You don't cut corners," panted Lapinette as she clutched the precious disc. "One day you'll destroy the whole city." "Throw the disc!" commanded the Wabbit. Lapinette tried very hard to throw it but the record remained attached to her paw. "You have to throw it" repeated the Wabbit. " I can't," she sighed, "it's stuck fast." "Does it have the sign?" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette ran the edge of her paw round the inside of the record. "It has something, I can feel it." The Wabbit glanced down to make sure of a record he'd grabbed on his way out. "Why that one? yelled Lapinette. "Bourbon Street Blues," grinned the Wabbit. "Up here!" A familiar voice issued from above and, as if by magic, an arm appeared. "Now's the time," yelled the Wabbit. "It's now or never!" Lapinette summoned all her strength, concentrated on the disc and willed it to fly. The record shot from her paw with enormous speed and straight into a waiting paw. Bits of record store were still settling in the street but they heard the voice murmur. "Gotcha." "I wasn't expecting you, your Holiness," puffed the Wabbit. "Where is the foul transgressor?" asked the voice. "Still inside the store," said Lapinette. There was a rather jolly laugh. "Shall I command the Devil to depart?" The Wabbit smiled. "He finds it hard to take instruction ..."

Friday, October 10, 2014

5. The Wabbit and the Devil DJ

The Wabbit and Lapinette followed the Voice. "Hey Wabbit, can I play you a request?" A sinister figure sat by the record decks but he didn't turn. The Wabbit shot a warning glance at Lapinette and adopted a cheerful voice. "Play Misty for me." The figure snorted. "Which version?" "Errol Garner of course," smiled the Wabbit. The figure barely moved. Melodic piano chords filled the store but his voice rose above them. "Of all the stores, in all the towns in all the world, you hop into mine." The Wabbit swayed quietly in time to the music but his eyes were on the figure as it stiffened. "I was there you know," it growled. "I was there at that famous jazz session with the masters." "Must have been a great evening," said the Wabbit lightly - and the figure half turned. "It was great because of me!" There was a vindictiveness in the figure's voice that chilled Lapinette to the bone. She clutched an old disc behind her for the simple reason that she couldn't let go - or maybe it wouldn't let go of her. Under her paw she could feel the centre was scratched and the ridges made a strange sign. "They stole something from me," said the figure. "They took what was rightfully mine." "Oh that's in the past," said the Wabbit, "they've gone, they all passed away." Now the figure tilted his stetson back and a ghastly laugh bounced from the wall. "They died to regret it!" Lapinette gripped the disc fiercely and the disc gripped her. "I'm late for rehearsals," she mouthed. "We'll be off then," said the Wabbit. But as they made for the door, locks turned and bolts slid ...

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

4. The Wabbit and the Hidden Album

Jenny led the Wabbit and Lapinette to a part of the city neither of them knew. She said it was the Bavarian Quarter and although they both shook their heads, they eventually found themselves in a music store belonging to a certain Herr Glückspilz. Jenny kept a lookout in the street, while they both rummaged through ancient albums. "I suppose we're in the right place?" asked Lapinette. "Herr Glückspilz said we might get lucky," replied the Wabbit. They examined each record closely. "Legendary cakewalk classic?" suggested Lapinette. "Too early," said the Wabbit. "Modern Jazz Quartet?" murmured Lapinette. "Too late," said the Wabbit. They rummaged more without success but when the Wabbit noticed a flash of blue, he squeezed a paw between the shelves. "I found something," he said, tugging at an album that was stuck at the back. "Did you feel that cold draught?" said Lapinette. "Something ruffled my fur," said the Wabbit. They both looked round. "Everything OK?" mimed Jenny from behind the window. The Wabbit was suddenly aware of a large poster. "Which Beatle wore a Stetson?" Lapinette screwed up her nose and sighed, "It's U2 who have hats." The Wabbit tried to dislodge the album by shaking it but it was completely stuck. With a deft movement Lapinette plucked the album free and the Wabbit squinted at the title and read it aloud. "Dealing with the Devil." All the lights went out. "Who better?" boomed a voice.

Monday, October 06, 2014

3. The Wabbit and the Devil's Due

It had been a long day and the Wabbit had turned up nothing from the markets. He made his way along the porticos deep in thought, but something was nagging. Something more than thinking. Something palpable. "I don't remember that mural," he muttered. "I remember you, Blue Glasses." It seemed to come from inside his head but the voice echoed round the portico roof. From the corner of his eye the Wabbit saw his ears make pointed shadows on the sidewalk and as he hopped they curled slightly towards him. The Wabbit quickened his pace. "We're looking for the same thing, you and I." This time, the Wabbit knew the voice was behind him. Keeping both eyes fixed ahead, the Wabbit shrugged. "I'm just looking for an old album." His voice was the merest whisper but the ghostly voice responded. "I want it too. It has my sign, it's my due." "I've seen no sign of a sign," whispered the Wabbit, "but if I see one, I'll let you know." The Wabbit heard a long laugh. "How can I trust you?" "Trust me as you would yourself," said the Wabbit quickly. Jagged flickers of light crept along the roof but the Wabbit ignored them and gazed steadfastly into the night. Up ahead he could see tables and chairs and people dining on pizza and chips. "The devil's work," shuddered the Wabbit. A cold blast split the evening, chilling the Wabbit's fur and bringing howls from the diners. At that moment, something Skratch told him popped into his head. "Every sign has two sides." "Just like a record album," thought the Wabbit. "Just like me," howled the Voice ...

Friday, October 03, 2014

2. The Wabbit and the Wrong Record

The Wabbit heard a voice call, but he didn't turn a hair because in markets you never knew what might happen. He'd already seen police patrolling with soldiers. "Contraband," he muttered. The voice called again. "Wabbit I found this!" The Wabbit clutched his spoils fiercely to his fur. Of the secret record with the secret sign, he had found no trace, but he had acquired a rare single. Finally he turned. "Jenny!" he said affectionately. "I didn't recognise your voice." Jenny held up an album. "Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?" "It might be," said the Wabbit, "but it's a re-issue." Jenny smiled and rocked slightly. "I found a place selling old records." The Wabbit was delighted. "Markets aren't what they used to be," he chortled. Jenny agreed. "Nothing but ladies' clothes and jujus made in China." The Wabbit nodded vigourously. "I remember I could get anything here. I got a left-handed circlip opener once." "And you still have it in your fur," said Jenny. The Wabbit nodded, because every time he tried to throw it away, he found a use for it. "The record salesman told me an outrageous story," said Jenny. The Wabbit's ears twitched. "He said he'd seen the devil." The Wabbit tried to be nonchalant. "What did he look like?" "A bit of a dandy. Stripes, black waistcoat." "Did he say anything?" asked the Wabbit. Jenny looked serious. "Daemones non operantur nisi per artem." The Wabbit looked thoughtful. "What do you think?" asked Jenny. "I think he's the real deal," said the Wabbit.
[Daemones non operantur nisi per artem: Demons do not operate, save through trickery.]

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

1. The Wabbit and the Devil's Chord

"Wabbit!" The Wabbit turned slightly. "Hello Skratch." Skratch could see the Wabbit was disgruntled and approached with caution. "Anything wrong?" The Wabbit sighed a deep sigh. "Look what they're doing to my city." "It's maintenance Wabbit," said Skratch. "The old gates will be as good as new." "I don't like things as good as new," said the Wabbit. "I like things the way they were." Skratch knew it was futile to argue so he changed the subject. "We need to talk," he said, "we have a critical mission." The Wabbit brightened immediately. Skratch became grave. "We need to find something." The Wabbit shrugged. "It's something unobtainable," purred Skratch. The Wabbit waited with anticipation. "Years ago some famous jazz musicians got together." The Wabbit's eyes glistened as Skratch continued. "They played a session only for their families." "Someone made a secret recording," said the Wabbit immediately. Skratch was astonished. The Wabbit grinned. "I would have." "Wait until you hear this," breathed Skratch. "A limited pressing was made and scratched on one disc was a sign." The Wabbit inclined his head. "It was for a chord. A chord that's never been heard." "What?" yelled the Wabbit. "Everyone died of course," miaowed Skratch, "and the records were junked." "Only that copy survives?" said the Wabbit. Skratch nodded. "Intelligence suggests it's somewhere here." "There's something else, isn't there?" said the Wabbit. Skratch shook his head. "They say the devil lost that chord." The Wabbit's fur stood on end. "And he's trying to find it!"

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Wabbit and the Abandoned Tower

Lapinette and the Wabbit surveyed the tower. It was on the edge of town near a shopping centre and a few workshops. The place was quiet except for a traffic drone from a nearby eight road intersection. There, the noise never seemed to stop and eventually no one could really hear it. Lapinette didn't know what to say. "You bought this?" she sighed. "I did," said the Wabbit with enthusiasm. "It was a bargain." Lapinette's ears swayed slightly. "Where did you get the money?" The Wabbit's laugh was somewhere between a guffaw and a giggle. "The Dinosaur Fund." "I thought it was nearly empty," said Lapinette. "Not any more," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked sceptical but the Wabbit was gleeful. "I routed what was left through Curaçao, then a little known parish council in rural England." Lapinette nodded and the Wabbit continued. "Then it went to a merchant bank in Frankfurt where it was washed and spin dried." Lapinette sighed again. "Finally it popped up here much bigger than it was when it started." "And you bought the tower," groaned Lapinette. "In a manner of speaking," said the Wabbit. "In return for agreeing it should be a bird sanctuary, I got it for a euro." Lapinette heard a faint cooing from the top of the tower and looked up to see Parakalo, the Dove. Then her head tilted to the side and she stared. "You know it's leaning." The Wabbit was ecstatic. "I think that means it's listed."

Friday, September 26, 2014

The Wabbit's Reverse Homing Dove

When he saw Parakalo the Dove the Wabbit screeched to a sudden halt. "We're heading for the ferry!" he shouted. "And home," added Lapinette. "Did we forget anything?" asked the Wabbit. "No," said Parakalo. "I wanted to say something." Lapinette and the Wabbit looked at Parakalo with affectionate eyes. "I had a very exciting time," he warbled. Wabbit nodded cheerfully. "So did we!" "I enjoyed it a lot!" added Parakalo. "Us too!" said Lapinette. Parakalo cooed three times. "I would like to continue." "Nothing to stop you," smiled the Wabbit. "With you," said Parakalo. Lapinette answered first. "You'd like to come with us?" "I'd like to have adventures with you," cooed Parakalo. The Wabbit pretended to look grave. "I'm afraid we wouldn't be able to pay you very much." "You mean yes!" cried Parakalo and he spread his wings wide. "I'll see you in Turin." In an instant he wheeled and shot into the air. Lapinette and the Wabbit looked up but Parakalo was a mere dot in the sky. They watched until the dot disappeared, then Lapinette turned to the Wabbit. "Where's the Department going to put him?" The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth and gunned the throttle. "Aerial espionage?" "Better radio Wabsworth," said Lapinette. "Why?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled sweetly. "To find accommodation, of course." The Wabbit wore a sinister smirk. "The old abandoned tower will do."  "I didn't know there was one," sighed Lapinette. "I've got the Tower," sang the Wabbit.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Wabbit's Greek Adventure Caffè

Still a little dazed, the Wabbit, Lapinette and Parakalo the Dove adjourned to a caffè in a nearby village. They were about to order aperitivi when Skratch and Jenny appeared from a field. "We found you at last," said Skratch. "We've been looking all over," said Jenny. "It was a sair trachle," said Stone. The Wabbit looked up. "Skratch! How's married life?" Skratch looked at Jenny and Jenny looked back. "What are you talking about?" asked Skratch. "You got married," said Lapinette, "and Robot officiated." "How long have you been drinking here?" said Skratch. "It's the heat," suggested Jenny. Lapinette glanced sharply at the Wabbit. "I told you these creatures were dangerous!" Parakalo cooed for a long time. "Who's that?" asked Skratch. "Parakalo," said the Wabbit. "Pleased to meet you," said Skratch. "Parakalo," said Parakalo. The Wabbit hastily changed the subject. "Well? What was that for a sort of adventure?" Jenny laughed. "It looks like hallucinatory realism!" Skratch purred at Jenny with admiration. "It appeared to have a dream-analogous authenticity." "It was both concrete and believable," offered Parakalo. He suddenly cooed in a three part call and started gathering twigs. Skratch had been puzzling. "Perhaps the wedding aesthetically enhanced reality." The Wabbit tried to clear his head. "Are you getting married or not?" "Yes," said Skratch. "Nearly," said Jenny. "That's close enough," said Lapinette
[A sair trachle: (Scottish dialect) To drag one's self onwards when fatigued,] 

Monday, September 22, 2014

10. The Wabbit and the Issue of Nothing

Lapinette and the Wabbit took cover behind an old farm building as the light creatures sailed around in formation. "What's happening?" yelled the Wabbit. "The Quantum Parabolas are merging!" shouted Lapinette. "Stay clear!" "But they're made of nothing!" The Wabbit was exasperated, "How can nothing merge?" Lapinette shouted back really hard because the sound of the dancing Parabolas was piercing and yet somehow it didn't exist. Her ears tingled. "Nothing isn't really nothing!" she screamed, "in the quantum universe nothing is always something!" Now the Wabbit had a clue and his ears bent back and his fur crawled. "Everything that can happen, does happen," whistled Parakalo. The sound cut through like crystal and the Wabbit found time to shrug. "Why does it always happen to me?" he murmured. Lapinette shook her head because she knew that things did happen to the Wabbit. She felt he was a magnet for dubious phenomena and occasionally pointed it out. "No wonder you can't have a holiday!" she pouted. The Wabbit was feeling strange. "Yes, we must go on holiday,"  he yelled. Lapinette was beginning to feel most peculiar. "We're going on Friday," she said. "What day is today?" asked the Wabbit in a dazed voice. Parakalo was feeling strange too. "The day before yesterday," he cooed. Suddenly the Parabolas became one enormous entity and with a curious liquid plop, faded until there was nothing. "Nothing comes of nothing," said the Wabbit.

Friday, September 19, 2014

9. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Nothing

Suddenly they were there. Light creatures floated around the dovecote and went inside. But they kept coming. More and more creatures appeared until the sky was thick with gold. "If we're going to do it," said the Wabbit, "it had better be now." They turned and ran. Without taking aim, Lapinette fired casually over her shoulder and tracer rounds poured from her automatic in a single stream. "Yikes," yelled the Wabbit, "what happens next?" "You rabbits are good fun," trilled Parakalo. His wings beat so fast that whistling noises echoed around the rocks. "The light creatures will be caught in a crossfire," shouted Lapinette. "They'll disappear," "Didn't you say they were made of nothing?" panted the Wabbit. "Exactly." said Lapinette. "Nothing is exactly what we're doing." The Wabbit looked bamboozled, but quickened his pace. "Supposing something does happen?" Lapinette started to bound. "We could all be thrust into an alternate universe." "Filled with nothing," added Parakalo. "You catch on fast," observed the Wabbit, who hadn't the slightest clue. He started to bound too and with each bound he wished he hadn't missed his quantum mechanics class, having instead gone to the library to read Jean Paul Sartre. "What do you prefer?" he bellowed, "being or nothingness?" "I think I prefer to be Lapinette," shouted Lapinette.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

8. The Wabbit and the Solar Plan

With a specially built dovecote and a few items garnered from a small yard in Volax that only Parakalo knew about, the Wabbit and Lapinette surveyed their handiwork. "Do you think it will work?" smiled the Wabbit. "Oh ye of little faith," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit was already mouthing Lapinette's reply but he glanced away in case of trouble. "Do you have a name for it?" he asked. "SunSol" said Lapinette. "Sounds like orange juice," said the Wabbit. "You'll be juice in a minute," laughed Lapinette. Parakalo cooed softly and his wings made a whirring sound. "Here they come," he said. The Wabbit looked into the sky and screwed up his eyes. "They took the bait," he murmured. "Just as planned," said Lapinette. "They aren't awfully bright," commented the Wabbit. Lapinette squinted into a corner of a cloud. "I said they were dangerous, I didn't mention brains." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "They won't like it when they go Kaboom." "They're made of Nothing," said Lapinette. "They've got nothing to go Kaboom with." "No Kaboom?" sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled a smile that the Wabbit found particularly sinister. "If things go wrong Wabbit, it's us that will go Kaboom!" Parakalo made a short coo, followed by two longer ones. "They're getting closer." Lapinette took out her automatic. "What's that for?" asked the Wabbit. "Consider it my remote control," said Lapinette.

Monday, September 15, 2014

7. The Wabbit & the Fantastic Wedding

They gathered at the church and assembled into a traditional group. Robot adopted a special voice, which he had learned from recorded ceremonies and commenced with gusto. "Dearly beloved," he intoned. "We are gathered to join this rabbit and this cat in matrimony." The Wabbit looked with wonder. "Is there anyone here," said Robot solemnly, "who knows of any cause or impediment why these two may not be joined together?" The Wabbit looked across at Lapinette and flinched as she shot him a warning glance. Robot raised his metallic voice. "If ye do, confess it!" Silence fell apart from the faint cooing of Parakalo the Dove. Robot continued. "Skratch, wilt thou have this rabbit as your wedded wife, forsaking all others as long as ye both shall live?" Skratch gulped and murmured, "I will." Speak up Skratch," whispered the Wabbit. "I will!" yelled Skratch so loudly that mortar fell from the wall. "Jenny," said Robot softly, "Wilt thou have this cat as thy wedded husband?" "Why not?" replied Jenny. Lapinette prodded her fiercely in the back. "I will," said Jenny. Robot turned. "Who giveth this rabbit to be married to this cat?" "That's me!" said the Wabbit and he rummaged for the spare ring he had stored in his fur. Robot turned to Skratch then to Jenny. "Hold paws and plight thy troth." Everyone sighed with relief - but there was a strange sound from the rear and they all looked round. "Weddings mak me greet." sniffled Stone.
[Greet. Scottish dialect: Cry]

Friday, September 12, 2014

6. The Wabbit and the Happy Couple

The moment the Wabbit and Lapinette reached Tinos Town, they ran into Skratch and Jenny. "Ah, there you are!" said the Wabbit. "I've got a bit of work for you." Skratch stepped back. "Wabbit, I'm obliged to ensure you take a rest." The Wabbit grinned. "It's only some annoying Light Creatures." "They're double dangerous!" yelled Lapinette. "Nothing we can't handle," said the Wabbit. "What's that bird?" asked Jenny suddenly. "Parakalo," said Parakalo the Dove. "Parakalo in what sense?" queried Skratch. "Look, we've been through this already," said the Wabbit, "we just need a few supplies." "So do we - we're getting married," said Jenny. "What?" yelled Lapinette and the Wabbit together. "It's all arranged," said Skratch, "and you're giving Jenny away." "Who's your best man then?" asked the Wabbit. "You," said Jenny. The Wabbit gasped in astonishment. "I seem to be doing a lot of things." "What am I doing?" asked Lapinette. "Bridesmaid," said Jenny. It was Lapinette's turn to gasp. "I've nothing to wear," she sighed. The Wabbit shook his head. "And where is the ceremony?" "Panagia Evangelistria," nodded Skratch. "You have been busy," commented the Wabbit - with more than a hint of sarcasm. But Lapinette smiled benignly. "All right, who's officiating at the wedding?" "Robot arrives on the next ferry," said Skratch. "That's suitably secular," grinned the Wabbit, who was warming to the idea. Skratch purred with delight, "He's been working on a spiritual sub routine!"
[Our Lady of Tinos (Panagia Evangelistria: Literally, the All-Holy Bringer of Good News) ]

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

5. The Wabbit and Essential Supplies

The Wabbit twisted the steering wheel and tried to let the jeep soak up the road. "You could try slowing down a bit, Wabbit," said Lapinette, "I doubt if the Light Creatures are going anywhere." "Make haste while the sun shines," said the Wabbit. Lapinette winced but refused to be drawn. Parakalo broke in. "In this neck of the island," he cooed, "the sun invariably shines." "All the more reason for speed," laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette held on as the jeep's wheels lifted, but it clung to the bend nonetheless. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "What do we need for the job?" Lapinette reeled off a list of impossible to obtain items, "Six photoluminescent wafers." "OK," said the Wabbit. "A molecular beam epitaxer," "Right," said the Wabbit. "... and an interband electro-optical absorber." Lapinette thought for a minute. "Where do we find them?" "Tinos does have a hardware shop you know," cooed Parakalo. "It's not that far from Athens." Lapinette looked sceptical. "We may have to compromise," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette’s shoulders slumped. "What do you suggest?" "Six torches," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" sighed Lapinette. "Five second hand solar panels," shrugged the Wabbit. "And then ... ?" asked  Lapinette. "Ten salvaged computer fans." said the Wabbit, "so can you do it?" "I have a reputation as a miracle worker" laughed Lapinette.

Monday, September 08, 2014

4. The Wabbit & the Quantum Parabolas

Deep inland, Lapinette, the Wabbit and Parakalo the Stone Dove reached the top of a hill - and there it was. "Looks quiet enough," murmured the Wabbit. "Oh really Wabbit," sighed Lapinette. "Why are we ferreting out other people's enemies?" "Fun and interest," said the Wabbit and he screwed up his eyes, because although evening drew close, the light was taxing. "They're here," said Parakalo, nodding to the dovecote. Lapinette caught a flash of gold and angled her head to focus on an opening. "I think I see one," she said. "So what's your opinion?" smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette's brain whirred. "It looks like a quantum parabola," she said, "but I could be mistaken." "Parabola?" asked Parakalo. The Wabbit smiled at his pronunciation, parah-baloh, but Lapinette dug him in the ribs. "The light becomes entangled in a quantum lattice field," she continued, "and is impelled to take on solid shape with limited stability." The Wabbit's ears bent to the side and his teeth chattered. "It's not actually made of light," said Lapinette, "it just holds it." "So what is it made of?" asked Parakalo. "Nothing," shrugged Lapinette. "So they're not dangerous?" smiled the Wabbit. Lapinette shook her head vigourously. "On the contrary," she grimaced. "They're beyond lethal."

Friday, September 05, 2014

3. The Wabbit and Stress Reduction

Lapinette and the Wabbit ambled through Tinos. Parakalo the Dove hovered alongside them, pointing out places of interest. But the Wabbit kept peering round corners. "What are you looking for?" sighed Lapinette. "I thought I saw an Agent of Rabit," said the Wabbit. "And ..?" said Lapinette. "It was a souvenir towel, flapping in the breeze," confessed the Wabbit. "Anything else, while we're on the subject?" asked Lapinette in a sarcastic voice. "Maybe you saw a platoon of Wasp creatures on the roofs?" "Now you mention it," said the Wabbit, "I did see something on a roof." Lapinette's eyes rose under her sunglasses. The Wabbit glanced into a doorway and looked back. "It was six solar panels lined up like alien soldiers." "Will you relax?" yelled Lapinette. A cooing took the Wabbit's attention. "Commander, you need an activity," said Parakalo. "There's something you could check for me." Lapinette hopped up and down. "The Wabbit's on vacation to rest and relax!" "Let's hear what it is," grinned the Wabbit. "Oh, I give up," said Lapinette. Parakalo looked down. "Some of our famous dovecotes have been taken over ..." The Wabbit became interested. "... by strange creatures," continued Parakalo. "composed entirely of light." "Mmm. That's interesting and different," said the Wabbit, "point them out!" "Sometimes we can see them, sometimes we can't," said Parakalo. "No, Wabbit, don't you dare!" screamed Lapinette. "A change is as good is as a rest," grinned the Wabbit ...

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

2. Skratch, Jenny and the Greek Landing

Skratch and Rabbit Jenny came ashore at the far end of the Island, accompanied by Stone. "Ach, it's gey hot," shouted Stone. "Greece islands can get hot," said Jenny. "Not to mention the wind," remarked Skratch. "I don't mind the wind," yelled Stone. But no-one could hear him. "Where do we meet the Wabbit?" asked Skratch. "Tinos," said Jenny. Skratch thought for a minute. "Isn't there a fine church there?" Jenny was very familiar with islands. "Pilgrims crawl there on hands and knees uphill from the wharf." "Is it far?" asked Skratch. "800 metres," replied Jenny. "It would be worth it," said Skratch. Jenny looked puzzled. "Churches do weddings," said Skratch. Now Jenny smiled, because she remembered Skratch had asked for her hook in marriage - and although she hadn't said yes, she hadn't said no. "We need Certificates of No Impediment," said Jenny. "I know Ambassadors," said Skratch. "And then we must post notices," added Jenny. "I have a printer," said Skratch. "We require Apostilles," said Jenny. "Ledger at the Department will send it all in the diplomatic bag," said Skratch. Jenny grinned. "Someone has to give me away." "The Wabbit," said Skratch. "You need to be certain I'll say yes," said Jenny. Skratch brightened. "I'm confident you will." Jenny poked Skratch with her hook. "Then what are we waiting for?" But Skratch seemed distracted and looked up. "Did you see that strange change in the light?" "We'd better investigate," said Jenny ...
Hague Convention Apostille. Apostille is a stamp or seal that signifies a document is legal and authentic; 
Gey: Scottish dialect. Very

Monday, September 01, 2014

1. The Wabbit and the Parakalo Bird

Lapinette was relieved to drive from the ramp of the big ferry. The Wabbit was not happy sailing on a ship if he wasn't in charge and she had twice prevented him from interfering. It was extremely hot on the island and the jeep's temperature gauge looked alarmingly high. So Lapinette paused on the dock for a moment and the Wabbit hopped out to check. "Parakalo," said a voice. Lapinette glanced to her left and saw a large white bird made of stone. The Wabbit looked up. "In what sense?" he asked politely. "In a welcoming, hospitable sense,” said the bird, "may I help you in any way?" "We're on vacation," said Lapinette. "My name is Lapinette and this is Commander Wabbit. He is required to relax, rest and generally chill out." Perfect,” said the bird. "I will accompany you." "We couldn’t possibly impose," smiled Lapinette. "It is our custom," responded the bird and he made a soft cooing sound. "I will improve my language skills." Lapinette doubted that listening to the Wabbit would improve anyone’s language skills, but she nodded agreeably. The Wabbit nodded too. "Parakalo," he murmured. "How do you know my name?" asked the bird. "Lucky guess," grinned the Wabbit.

[Parakalo: Greek, roughly “please,” but it has a variety of meanings in polite conversation, depending on context.]

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Wabbit and the Guidance of Unut

"Commander!" said Unut sternly. The Wabbit wished he hadn't accepted coffee because his paws trembled as they often did when he met the Rabbit Goddess. "Commander, you did well. You drew out the MacDrabs and eliminated them." Now the Wabbit was surprised, because he was expecting just a little trouble. "All in a year's work," he smiled. "You're not finished," said Unut, "but I wish to thank Duetta Spyder for performing her appropriate historical role." Duetta rustled her legs silkily. "Whit aboot me?" asked Stone. "Whit aboot ye?" replied Unut. "Have ah tae hing aboot wae the Wabbit?" "For now," said Unut. Stone was about to say "Great!" but he thought better of it. "Ah suppose ah'll hae tae thole it." he moaned. "There's more work to do," said Unut, "and you Stone, will work with the Wabbit and his team." "Jings" said Stone. Unut turned to the Wabbit. "But first Commander, you clearly need a vacation." The Wabbit's eyes lit up. "You're off to Greece." "Greece?" replied the Wabbit. "Take the Lovely Lapinette," said Unut. "Skratch the Cat and Rabbit Jenny will go with you to ensure you take a rest." Oh, OK," sulked the Wabbit. "You'll need the Jeeps," said Unut. "I'm sending you somewhere remote and roads can be rough." "OK OK," said the Wabbit. Unut frowned. "One more thing, Commander." The Wabbit cringed. "No adventures," smiled Unut.
[Jings: Scottish expression, popularised by cartoon character Oor Wullie (Our William) in the Sunday Post newspaper No translation. Hing aboot: Hang about. Ah'll hae tae thole it:  I have no option but to tolerate it.]

Friday, August 22, 2014

The Wabbit and the Stone Alliance

The Wabbit convened a special meeting with Stone and Marshall Duetta Spyder before their audience with Unut in the Dark Basement of the Goddesses. "I need to clear something up," said the Wabbit." "Go ahead, Sonny," said Stone. "You ask away." "You two already know each other?" "Aye we do," said Duetta. The Wabbit looked puzzled, so Duetta went on silkily. "I am the direct descendant of a famous Spider." The Wabbit still looked puzzled. "Roberto Il Bruce!" sighed Duetta. Stone watched as the Wabbit's brain whirred. "The King of Scotland?" he exclaimed. Stone let the Wabbit off the hook. "Bruce had been defeated and his armies scattered." Now Duetta continued. "But in his refuge, a cave, he was inspired by a spider who's endurance was unlimited." Stone laughed with delight. "The spider tried seven times to make her web but eventually she did it." The Wabbit grinned because now he remembered the legend - so he finished the story himself. "Bruce returned to the fray and chased the foreign army away." "That's how we know of each other," said Stone. "I'm the original Stone. I wasn't stolen by the scunner Edward. I was in that cave with Bruce and the spider." The Wabbit threw his head back, laughing with delight. "Sounds like a great film," he smiled. "Stoneheart!" said Stone. "Braveweb," said Duetta. The Wabbit shook his head, amazed. "That chasm on Wablantis is really Bruce's cave?" "And ye took yer time getting there, Sonny" said Stone. "Aye!" said the Wabbit.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Wabbit's Big Adventure Caffè

It had been a long adventure. Now the team assembled at a special venue for preprandials. The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat arrived late at the very same moment. "Whit was that for a kind of adventure?" laughed Stone. Skratch addressed the Wabbit directly. "It was complete excess," said Skratch. "A diabolical cross between Visconti and Spielberg." The Wabbit looked chirpy and reached for his glass. "It was colourful, eventful and ultimately far too long," added Lapinette. The Wabbit's face fell. "It was the explosives," he murmured to no one in particular. "Don't worry about it, Sonny," said Stone. "It might have featured a lonely stone struggling for survival in a Scottish village." "In 1945," said Wabsworth dreamily. He was nestling in the corner nursing a glass of rum, feeling cosy. "We had more battles than Braveheart," laughed Jenny. Now the Wabbit laughed. "I thought I was in trouble," he smiled. "You are," glared Lapinette. "The damage cost plenty, Wabbit." "Take it out my Dinosaur Fund," suggested the Wabbit. "Not enough," said Lapinette. "Via Arsenale Sports and Social Fund?" "Hardly," said Lapinette. Stone raised his voice. "Dinna fash yersel*. I have enough in gilts, Sonny," Lapinette looked inquisitive. "When do the gilts expire?" asked the Wabbit. "They're from 1694, they're in perpetuity," said Stone. "Endless!" said the Wabbit. "Like my love for you, Lapinette."
[Dinna fash yersel: Don't get worked up, don't bother about it.]

Monday, August 18, 2014

13. The Wabbit and the Big Kaboom

The Wabbit and his team ran for their lives. It was the fastest they had ever ran and that was a good thing. From behind there came a low rumbling sound, then several cracks, then a mighty explosion that sent a shower of MacDrabs high above the city. All became still and they started to slow. "Keep running," yelled the Wabbit. A series of smaller booms shook buildings, then lights in the area flickered and died. "Whit on earth did ye put in the fake stones?" shouted Stone. "CL20," shrugged the Wabbit. "He usually uses C4," yelled Lapinette. "I got it sale or return," yelled Skratch. "It was a bargain buy." "That was a sledgehammer to crack a nut, Wabbit," panted Jenny. Lapinette found time to turn. "And it's going to cost us," she shouted. The Wabbit finally stopped. They turned to look back and a crimson red sky lit their faces. "Worth it," murmured the Wabbit. "Too much damage," stated Jenny sternly. "Urban redevelopment?" suggested the Wabbit meekly. No-one spoke. The temporary silence was only broken by the sound of falling debris. "The job is done," said Stone. "Unless ye have any more enemies in your fur." "Who's buying the aperitivi?" laughed Skratch. "Now that it's all over," said the Wabbit, "I think it's my turn." "All over bar the shouting," sighed Lapinette who was making a rough calculation of the damage. "I'll cover for Attila the Hun here," smiled Stone. "I think this one's my shout."
[It's my shout: I am paying the cost (usually for drinks/meal]

Friday, August 15, 2014

12. The Wabbit and the Droning Stone

The MacDrabs pricked up their ears as they became aware of droning behind the screen. It got louder and louder and louder. Suddenly there was a tune and the MacDrabs swung to their left as the Wabbit and Skratch the Cat marched into the hall playing bagpipes. But they were so intent on watching that they missed Stone as he burst through the screen. "Heuch!" he shouted. "Heuch!" shouted Lapinette and Pirate Jenny and they flung their arms in the air and danced. "Sae glad yer a' here," shouted the Stone and he pirouetted around. Now the MacDrabs were angry. "We've come to get ye," they screamed. "You've a' got yer ain stanes," said Stone." "You're the one," shouted the leader. "Get him!" But they couldn't move. Stone floated gently to the floor and the bagpipes stopped dead. "Try and let go of your stones, MacDrabs." Stone's laugh menaced the silence. The MacDrabs shook their paws frantically, but they were stuck fast. No matter how hard they tried to break away, they could only tighten their grip. And the stones were getting hot. "Kin ye hear that wee noise, Sonny?" smiled Stone to the Wabbit. The Wabbit listened and ostentatiously fiddled with his chanter. Then he shook his head and turned. "Is that ticking noise coming from your tuning pins, Skratch?" Skratch wagged a paw of dismissal. "Evacuate!" yelled the Wabbit.
(1) Sae glad yer a' here: I'm so pleased to see you all here. (2) You've a' got yer ain stanes: You have stones of your own.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

11. Lapinette and the Negative Surprise

Lapinette rapped her paw on the table and called for attention. "What about our investment?" shouted a Drab. "What about it?" said Lapinette calmly and waving him aside, continued. "I'd ask you to approve the minutes of the last meeting, but none of you were here." "Formally proposed and signed as a correct record," said Jenny. Lapinette inclined her head. "Next business. I'm pleased to inform you that our scheme is in the top 99 per cent of companies." A murmuring of approval echoed round the hall. "However ..."  said Lapinette. A pregnant pause caused Drabs to move uneasily. Lapinette smiled the sweetest of smiles. "Our business was affected by circumstances beyond our control." "What things?" said a Drab. "Global warming," said Jenny. Lapinette went on. "This experience has better prepared us for the future." "It's a fantastic learning curve," said Jenny. "We're leaner but fitter," smiled Lapinette. A leading Drab stepped forward. "That's all very well, but we're interested in a serious acquisition." "Do continue," said Lapinette. "We bought all the Stones," sighed the Drab, "but we wanted a niche Stone." "Do you mean the original Stone from which all your Stones were struck?" asked Lapinette. The Drabs nodded and Lapinette grinned. "Then I have a big surprise for you." "By special arrangement with Wabbit Biscuit International!" yelled Jenny. Lapinette glanced behind the screen. "I bring you the one and only, True and Original Stane ...!"

Monday, August 11, 2014

10. The Wabbit & Lapinette's Meeting

"Welcome," said Lapinette from the top of the stairs. "Welcome to an Extraordinary Meeting of the Stone Investment Scheme." "Entrance by Stone only," said Jenny. "Please display a Stone at all times." The Drab at the front gazed at Jenny and tried to snarl a bit, but it came out as a snuffle. "We heard there were more profits." "There certainly are," said Lapinette breezily. "Much, much more than in any previous year." The news filtered down the queue where the Wabbit and Skratch were watching arrivals through a stairs window. "There were no previous years," laughed Skratch. "She's good, isn't she?" smirked the Wabbit. Captain Jenny nodded to all the investors. "Please make your way to the Grand Hall, where refreshments are offered." The queue murmured so Lapinette waved for attention. "These are supplied at no cost by Wabbit Biscuit International." "The company is testing a new line of aperitivo flavoured shortbread." added Jenny. "Please note your comments on the feedback forms provided." "But some Drabs are without Stones," moaned a Drab. "Their funds are drying up." "We forecast this eventuality," nodded Lapinette. Jenny rocked back and forth. "Invest some of your earnings with fellow Drabs who are short." "It's for the Common Good," smiled Lapinette. "And we do have a limited number of extra Stones available," said Jenny. The Wabbit laughed quietly. "Only a Stone's throw away," he whispered.

Friday, August 08, 2014

9.The Wabbit in a Station with No Exit

Quantum the Time Travelling Train brought everyone to Porta Susa, but he was grumbling. "I can never find my way around this station." "The Wabbit sensed irony. "Don't worry," he said, "neither can anyone else." Skratch the Cat hopped onto Quantum's footplate and carried out basic maintenance, while the team planned the next move. "How many Stone investments have been made so far?" asked the Wabbit. "About sixty four," answered Skratch, "we can't keep up with demand." "Skim anything off the top?" asked the Wabbit. "Just expenses." "Then lodge it in the Dinosaur Fund," said Wabsworth, "we may need more copies of the Stone." "But what happens next?" asked Lapinette. "We call a special investors' meeting," said Jenny the Pirate. "We imply extra profits." "Admission is granted to putative investors," continued Skratch, "so all the MacDrabs have to attend." Lapinette looked around and pointed into the distance "I can see MacDrabs over there." "They're lost," said the Wabbit. Jenny laughed. "We'll help them find a way out." "Sonny," said Stone. "Once we get them together in the meeting, what happens?" "Apologies for absence," said the Wabbit. "Then minutes of the last meeting, then ... a Negative Earnings Surprise." His eyes twinkled and he laughed. "Then and only then do we reach Any Other Business." Lapinette raised an eye. "Is there any?" "Yes," smiled the Wabbit. "Kaboom!"

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

8. The Wabbit & the Space Aftermath

Quantum hung in space while the Wabbit and Wabsworth monitored the routing of the MacDrab forces. It was a swift affair without mercy and Wabsworth shuddered. "That felt unpleasant," he said. "War is Hell," said the Wabbit. "But I thought you were an android." "I'm trying to be more of an individual," said Wabsworth. "Is there anything more difficult?" "Being a character," shrugged the Wabbit. He gestured towards Marshall Duetta Spyder as she loomed up to the windscreen bearing the Stone. The radio crackled. "What next Commander?" Duetta had the silkiest of voices, but the Wabbit knew it wouldn't do to be fooled by sounds and appearances. "What about the MacDrabs?" he asked sharply. "All we could find are gone," said Duetta, "but under interrogation, a captive mentioned a Drab team operating Earthside." The Wabbit thought about his own team and the counterfeit Stones trick. "We'd better get back. Jump in Stone!" Stone did not comply. "I thought I'd return with Duetta Spyder," he said. "You'll be safer here," said the Wabbit. The Stone weaved up and down in his own particular manner. "Since I came under your protection, sonny, I've been attacked by every enemy with availability." "Join up with the Wabbit," smiled the Wabbit, "meet interesting creatures." "And give 'em grief!" said Wabsworth.

Monday, August 04, 2014

7. Lapinette's Pyramid Sales Venture

"There are our marks!" whispered Skratch.  Lapinette smiled sweetly, picked up a Stone and hopped forward. "We are the Drabs of Clan MacDrab," said the creatures. "I'm Ponzi" giggled Lapinette. The Drabs considered, "We are interested in buying your Stones." Skratch, Jenny and Lapinette all shook their heads.  "Fortunately for you, you can't buy a Stone," said Jenny. "You can only buy into the Stone Investment Club." The Drabs were far from happy and grumbled noisily, so Skratch interrupted. "When more investors invest, you will receive a Stone as a gift." "And a lot of money," gurgled Lapinette, "you can't lose, look at me, my pockets are overflowing with cash." "We don't want money, we want the Stone ... I mean Stones," said the leading Drab. Jenny rocked back and forth in her most pirate fashion and guffawed. "With money you can get as many Stones as you desire!" "How much would it take to buy you out?" said the Drabs. "What, the whole lot?" asked Skratch. "That would ruin our business and spoil our fun." With a hop skip and a jump Lapinette darted to the rear of the Drabs and collected investments. Money came in quickly and she returned to her friends. Solemnly she handed €8000 to the Drab leader and lifted the first Stone. "This is your Stone, which may not be resold." "I want more Stones," said the Drab. "Then find more investors," said Jenny." "How many?" asked the Drab. "Everybody," said Lapinette. "Everybody must get Stones."

Friday, August 01, 2014

6. The Wabbit, Stone and Dark Space

The instant Stone stepped outside Quantum the Train, there was a bright flash and he split into a multitude of identical Stones. Lining up behind him, the Stones ground against each other and chanted as they faced the Drabs. The Wabbit could hear it. He glanced at Wabsworth and said, "Sound doesn't travel in Space." "You could have fooled me," said Wabsworth, "it makes my fur stand on end." "Shh. They're going to talk," said the Wabbit and he peered out. "MacDrabs!" shouted Stone. "Away hame to yer mithers!" The MacDrabs made a sound like bagpipes deflating in a hall. "You're coming with us, we've a wee surprise for you." "The winds gone out of ye," shouted Stone. "Ye couldnae surprise a target in a fairground." Now the Drabs' sound became a piercing whine as they advanced towards the Stones. "Nae further!" shouted Stone. "And look behind you, by the way." "Did you think we'd fall for that old trick?" sneered the MacDrab leader. As the Wabbit watched from Quantum's windscreen the radio burst into life and crackled with signals - but they weren't for the Wabbit. "Stone to Marshall Duetta Spyder, copy?" A sea of red spiders appeared from each corner of space. The radio hissed and Duetta's silky voice answered. "Orders?" "Cut them off from their ship," said Stone. "Scatter them and pursue them until they drop." "And then?" said Duetta. "Finish them," said Stone ...
[Away hame to yer mithers (Scottish, derisive): Run directly home to your mothers' protection.]

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

5. The Wabbit and the Clan MacDrab

"Who are they?" asked the Wabbit. Creatures loomed at the windows of Quantum's restaurant car and peered in with sharp eyes. "These are the Drabs of Clan MacDrab," said Stone. "I've never heard of them," said Wabsworth. "There are more creatures in heaven and earth, undreamt of by androids," said Stone. They watched as Drabs pressed their granite grey faces against the windows. "I don't like the look of them, Stone," said the Wabbit. The Stone began to vibrate slightly. "They're so dreary and hostile they were banished," he hissed. "It didn't work," said the Wabbit, glancing out. "Well I'm gonnie deal wae them now," said Stone. The Wabbit shook his head vigorously. "No can do!" But Stone glowed a pale blue colour that gradually darkened. "I outrank you, sonny." The Wabbit shook his head again. "I just can't allow it." Now Stone was getting bigger. "I'm going outside," he said. "Ah know whit I'm doing." Now the Wabbit pricked up his ears because he could hear a scraping along the carriage that set his teeth on edge. "OK, what's your plan?" he sighed. "It's them or us," said Stone, "so I'm going to send them to a greyer place." "You'll need a helping paw," said Wabsworth. "Don't worry," snarled Stone. "I'll grind them finer than space dust."