7. The Wabbit and the Wild West Zone

The Wabbit couldn't remember how he got there. One second he was watching the movie and the next he seemed to be in one. "Howdy stranger," said a familiar voice. It was Skratch, but the Wabbit had never seen him toting a Winchester. "You must be from the Badlands," said Skratch. "You'll be in need of a drink." "I'll have a carrot aperitivo," said the Wabbit - but when he saw Skratch's eyes rise a full one inch, he adopted a threatening snarl. "Put it in a dirty glass and leave the bottle!" A tinkle of glasses heralded a bodyless Tipsy who appeared from the back. The Wabbit turned and cast a deliberate gaze around the chaos. "I'm a lookin' for three flannel mouths," he drawled. Tipsy sipped her drink. "They wuz here and they wuz on the shoot," she nodded. "Broke the place up real bad." Skratch looked at his Winchester, dropped the lever and loaded new cartridges. "They spoke real fancy too," he grunted, "Said it was feeding time at the zoo." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes until they were slits. "Did they ask what time zone this was?" "They sure did," said Skratch, "and I told 'em 'Tango' like what it's always bin." Tipsy drained her glass and crashed it on the bar. "Round here, we don' go changing." "They sure gave you a bad time," agreed the Wabbit, "did they say where they wuz headin'?" Skratch pointed to the wall. "They said something about the mists of time. Then they vanished clean away." The Wabbit got up. "I'll head after them." "Hey Marshal," said Tipsy, "could you use a couple of deputies?"

6. The Wabbit and the Late Late Movie

The Wabbit hopped straight into the auditorium, followed by the Time Zoners. The theatre was screening Tarkovsky's Solaris and it was just about to start. The Wabbit smiled broadly, but behind him bickering and confusion broke out concerning who would sit where. The Wabbit immediately moved to the front, but the Zoners followed and sat all around him. "Shhh" said the Wabbit. "Are we in time for the beginning?" said the Zoner to his right. "It's just begun," snapped the Wabbit. "Films should be dull at the start," said the Zoner, "so people have time to leave." The Zoner behind leaned forward. "Your ears are in the way." The Wabbit looked all around the empty cinema and shook his head sadly. Now the Zoner to his right chipped in. "A visit to the cinema is always about time travel." The Wabbit snorted. "Tarkovsky," he said, "does not represent time as a sequential flow of events." "Of course not," said the Zoner at the back. "Otherwise we wouldn't be here." The Wabbit kept his eyes firmly on the screen. "Where would you be?" he asked slyly. "Somewhere else," said the Zoner carefully. "Having a rare old time," added another and they all giggled. The Wabbit frowned and gestured silence with a paw across his mouth. "How long does this film last?" asked a Zoner. "A hundred and sixty nine minutes." replied the Wabbit from memory. "Oh that's splendid," said the Zoner at the back. "We have all the time in the world." The Wabbit smiled to himself. "Now where would you find all that time?"

5. The Wabbit and the Twilight Zone

The Wabbit pursued the voices a long way from the forest and into the city. They were heading somewhere specific. "Come in Juliet. This is Zone Zulu, copy?" The radio whined. "Juliet. Go ahead." "The Wabbit had difficulty in describing the scene. "I'm at the cinema." The radio hissed. "Leave that for later Commander." The Wabbit gritted his teeth and tried not to yell. "The Zoners are in the cinema!" A long silence ensued. "What are they doing?" "Chatting," said the Wabbit. "What about?" asked Juliet. The Wabbit made static noises, slipped his radio into his fur and listened. "Are we late?" said the first Zoner. The second Zoner chortled. "No, t'is the cinema that's early." "We have time on our hands," said the third. Then they all laughed just like in the forest. The Wabbit caught sight of a red flash. So he looked towards the bar and saw Skratch with Tipsy's head under one arm. He made a slight gesture, but none was returned. And although Tipsy seemed to have a drink, the Wabbit wasn't sure of her Zone. Both Skratch and Tipsy looked transparent and shimmered in the dim glow. Suddenly, the Zoner on the right swirled his hands three times. "What time zone did we ask for?" "Whisky," said the middle Zoner. They all turned to look at the bar. The third Zoner ticked a little. "This isn't Whisky, it looks like X-Ray." "We can still have fun though," said the middle Zoner and they giggled. The Wabbit watched Tipsy sip her drink. "Let's watch a late movie," suggested the first Zoner. The Wabbit hopped forward and spoke. "How about the Twilight Zone?"

4. The Wabbit in Time Zone Zulu

The Wabbit waited a long time but finally his radio crackled. "This is Juliet. Confirm Time Zone?" "Zulu," snapped the Wabbit. The Wabbit sounded impatient because he'd been on the same spot staring at empty space for several hours. The spot lay along the course of the new atomic timepiece known as OptoClock and trouble was afoot. But forced to accept a mission for another agency, the Wabbit was unhappy and so grumbled to himself at length. "Report sightings," said Juliet. The Wabbit had nothing to report, but from the corner of his eye he noticed a reflection in the jeep's side panel. He stayed still and watched until the radio interrupted. "Commander?" "I have a partial sighting of Tipsy," replied the Wabbit. "Tipsy? How partial?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Well, she has no head." Angry voices at base suggested this was not anticipated. "What about the Zoners, Commander?" The Wabbit was about to say there were no Zoners, when he heard voices in the forest. He watched Tipsy's bottom half stroll off down the forest path and he narrowed his eyes and shook his head. But he ignored it because the voices were getting closer. They were talking about time in a most peculiar manner - and every so often they stopped and laughed. "I'm completely zoned," said one voice. "Did you make any daylight saving?" asked another. "No, there's hardly any interest. I took out a loan." The Wabbit sighed deeply and whispered into his radio. "They're here, but they're on borrowed time."
[Zulu: military time zone, Coordinated Universal Time UTC/GMT. Juliet: Military time zone (observer's local time)]

3. Skratch and the Time Zone Problem

Skratch escorted Tipsy carefully from the auditorium when he heard the sound of a kiss. He momentarily thought of the Wabbit's instructions and fumbled quickly in his fur for Tipsy's gift. That's when it happened. Two disembodied paws took the chocolate liqueurs. "Oh thank you Skratch," said Tipsy's head, "that was very thoughtful." Skratch was lost in Tipsy's swirling eyes as her lips detached and floated towards him. "What time zone is it?" asked Tipsy's lips. Skratch nearly jumped, but he remained calm and tried to think clearly. "It's CEST." "My goodness that's late," said the lips, "but not too late for you to take me for a little dwink." Tipsy's lips returned to their proper place while Skratch wondered which establishment would permit entry to a disembodied head. "Aren't you working soon?" Tipsy's lips smiled. "I don't have to get up until November." Skratch knew that was a military time zone and now his eyes narrowed. But he saw no option but to go along with things until he could get to the bottom of the problem. "Let's head out then," he chirped. Tipsy proffered a paw and he hooked his paw around it and proceeded downstairs to the exit. Tipsy's lips floated around a bit. "It's nice to have someone to take me to the movies. Now you can tell me about how to read a film."  Skratch realised he was becoming accustomed to talking to a disembodied head. "What movie would you like to see next?" Tipsy's lips fluttered close. "The Time Machine."

[CEST is Central European Time.   November is a Military Time Zone in the NATO phonetic alphabet.]

2. Skratch, Tipsy and the B Movie

At a repertory cinema near the centre of town, Skratch and Tipsy met to see an old B movie horror. Skratch knew it had become a cult classic but said nothing, owing to the Wabbit's instructions. He was not allowed to broach the subject of movies at all and was therefore at a loss for conversation. Skratch felt a paw creep into his. He'd been expecting the brush of a foot or leg, but a paw he felt he could deal with, Skratch squeezed it. "I'm scared," whispered Tipsy. "Don't worry," said Skratch. "I'm here and nothing can harm you." Tipsy leant forward and eagerly watched the story unfold. Skratch had seen the movie several times and was responsible for submitting a long and technical article to Jump Cut Review, now at the revision stage. "Yikes!" shrieked Tipsy as a decapitated head made conversation from a laboratory worktop. She looked away, only to notice a door at the side of the screen. "What's behind that door?" she murmured. An actor's voice from the screen seemed to reply. "Horrors no normal mind can imagine." Tipsy jumped. "I think it's a broom cupboard," said Skratch soothingly. Tipsy's eyes were riveted on the movie monster as it ripped its tormentor limb from limb. "Will you see me home afterwards," she breathed. "There might be monsters." Skratch smiled and nodded and grasped for the chocolates. Tipsy looked thoughtful. "Anyway, how long can you live without a brain?" "It depends how old you are," said Skratch,

1. The Wabbit & the Command Movie

Skratch the Cat arrived at the sleazy viewing theatre where the Wabbit had an arrangement. The matter seemed to be urgent, so he was unsurprised when the Wabbit addressed him in serious note. "Departmental Business." The Wabbit's voice indicated he didn't exactly approve. "This is a direct order, Skratch." Skratch waited for what seemed like an age. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "You have to take Tipsy to the movies." Skratch's fur stood on end. "But Commander .." "I'm certain something can be worked out." said the Wabbit, "now what seat do you usually occupy?" "Front row, middle," said Skratch. The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "You will occupy a rear seat, offset from centre." Skratch gritted his teeth. "During the film, Tipsy will nudge your leg." Skratch groaned inwardly. "What then Commander?" "You will whisper sweet nothings in her ear." Skratch brightened. "About the movie?" "On no account," said the Wabbit. "You will not talk of cinema or film theory and there is to be no mention of semiotics." Skratch heaved a very long sigh. "What next Commander?" "You will escort Tipsy home." said the Wabbit, "where you will kiss her affectionately on the cheek and give her a small box of expensive chocolate liqueurs." And then?" asked Skratch. "Lope away nonchalantly," said the Wabbit, handing Skratch money. "Look, this should cover everything." Skratch spoke cautiously "May I take a taxi?" "Only if there's a blizzard," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

For a while it rained with fury. The Wabbit was early and he snuck under an umbrella at his favourite table and sat it out. Suddenly the sun burst through and brought with it Lapinette, Tipsy and Skratch the Cat, all from different directions. "What's it to be?" shouted Lapinette. "Carrot beer and a salad sandwich," said the Wabbit with satisfaction. It had been a long adventure and he never had expected the intrusion of frackers. Just off the tram, Skratch bore down on the caffè with theories in mind. "That was a most interesting escapade." "Let's have some more," yelled Tipsy. Laughter ensued and when it died away Lapinette asked the Question. "What was that for a sort of adventure, Skratch?" Skratch raised an eye. "It was deliciously soapy." The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and winked encouragingly. "Soap," stated Lapinette in a solemn voice, "is entirely predicated upon matters of desire." "So it was all about your outfit," smiled Skratch, "and gender identity of course." The Wabbit stepped in before things got technical. "You didn't mention fracking and eco-horror."  "Gender, genre, ecology!" shouted Tipsy. "Oh, won't someone get Tipsy a chair?" suggested the Wabbit, sitting exactly where he was and disguising a grin. "I can get my own chair," said Tipsy, "but someone else can get me a little dwink." "What's your poison?" asked the Wabbit. "Brandy, cola and sheared ice," said Tipsy. "I think that's called a Drunken Fracker," nodded the Wabbit.

18. The Wabbit & a new Grand Daucus

Back at the Carrot Club, the Wabbit handed over the reigns of power. "Lapinette, I'm proposing you for Grand Daucus." Lapinette looked surprised. "When will I know I'm elected?" "As of now," said the Wabbit, "but there's only one small thing." Lapinette waited. "You have to continue as Bunky Green." Lapinette knew there was more. ".. and you have to wear the outfit," smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette also smirked. Despite everything, there would be a female in the Carrot Club and it was all her doing. The Wabbit continued effusively. "I thought perhaps the Carrot and Artichoke Clubs might combine." Lapinette's ears twitched. "Did you hear that creaking?" "Oh, the old building needs refurbishment," sighed the Wabbit and he waved his paw in a dismissive fashion. "So what about naming us the Cartichoke Club, do you think?" "I think I hear noises," said Lapinette. "It must be the heating," said the Wabbit. Suddenly the corridor grew icy cold and Lapinette shivered in agreement. "It must be." She pondered for a while. "What kind of heating is it?" "Gas," said a voice. Lapinette furrowed her brow. "Did you say gas, Wabbit?" "No, not me," said the Wabbit, "it's oil anyway." "Oil!" The sound ricocheted along the corridor. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and Lapinette looked back. "I have an idea," said the Wabbit. "I'm all ears," said Lapinette. "Run!" yelled the Wabbit.

17. The Wabbit and the Reverse Frack

"I feel floaty," said the Wabbit. "I do too," said Lapinette. "You're not really here," said Turbina the Jet Car, "how does it feel to be avatars?" "Fuzzy," said the Wabbit. "You have the crystals?" asked Turbina. Lapinette looked at her paw and she could see them now. They pulsed blue and twinkled as they shifted in some kind of spooky space. Turbina's turbine whined as it picked up speed. "Place them in my glove compartment." The sound of a jazz saxophone filled the cabin. Turbina's voice commanded everyone to wait and it seemed like an age - but just as the saxophone reached a crescendo, Turbina spoke softly. "Quantum ... now!" and a broad green beam shot from the train. Turbina captured it like a goalkeeper and they both jolted as she focused it into a line with no thickness. The Wabbit's eyes shifted to the mirror and he was surprised he could see the line. It moved silently and rapidly, bending round buildings in its way before it smashed into the Fracker with the devastating sound of a thousand earthquakes. Through the noise of fracturing and shearing rock, the Wabbit thought he heard a voice groan from the Fracking Entity. "Frack! Gas! Shale!" "Not on my watch, Fracker," muttered the Wabbit. Silence fell and they all drew a breath. "Frankly Commander," said Turbina, "I didn't think that would work." The Wabbit grinned. "It must have been the music. Who was it anyway?" "I know," smiled Lapinette. "That was Bunky Green."

16. The Wabbit's Quantum Dining Car

To some extent Quantum was like a normal train. He had a pleasant dining car and Tipsy had found an equally pleasant bar. "I like trains," she yelled. "Does anyone want a ickle drink?" "Yes," said the Wabbit immediately. Quantum hung in time, a zone in which the Wabbit felt relaxed. But voices broke in and he heard Jenny from the rear of the compartment. "What about my hat?" "It's still there," said Skratch. "Still where?" asked Jenny crossly. Skratch stretched his paws wide. "The hook of time." Now voices faded and Lapinette swam into focus. The Wabbit looked at her and remembered she was still in disguise. "What plan, Bunky Green?" Lapinette began. "Quantum has a Transwarp Thruster." The Wabbit nodded and Lapinette continued. "We reverse the thrust and narrow it to a photonic plasma beam." "Then direct it at the Fracking Entity." said Wabsworth. The Wabbit thought about it, then shook his head. "We need plasma photonic crystals." "Commander?" The Wabbit turned to Tipsy who pouted. "These crystals are one dimensional and highly dangerous." Now the Wabbit stared at Tipsy and started to smile. "Got any?" "I might," said Tipsy. She delved carefully in her fur and held out a paw. No-one could see a thing. "Where are they?" asked the Wabbit. Tipsy's voice was both serious and sultry. "You can't see them. They're notional."

15. The Wabbit and Quantum's Leap

The remnants of both Carrot and Artichoke Clubs waited at the Other Castle. But the Wabbit was uncertain. To beat the Fracking Entity he needed help but he was hesitant. "Call him." Lapinette was still posing as Bunky and straightened his tie. The Wabbit shrugged, reached under his fur and pressed a button no one knew existed. Nothing quite compared with a visit from Quantum the Time Travelling Train. Similarly there was no sound like Skratch the Cat yelling from a high place. "You interrupted basic maintenance!" "No time for that," said the Wabbit. "Some Fracker's giving us grief." "I have no time for these Frackers," said Quantum. The Wabbit was uncertain of Quantum's rank but he felt under pressure. "You will make time available." If there was anyone that could make time available it was Quantum. Everything froze and the Wabbit shouted "Ideas!" then looked around. "Now!" he yelled for good measure. "Now there's no now," said Wabsworth, who seemed to have recovered. "Or rather," said Lapinette, "there's a series of not nows." Jenny looked at her hat which hung motionless. "Now I've lost my hat." The Wabbit sighed and looked at Quantum. "We have the time and you have the energy." "Then shoot it," said Quantum. This was not what the Wabbit expected. "With the Arrow of Time?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit looked puzzled. "Entropy," said Wabsworth. "We'll run the Fracker backwards ..."

14. Tipsy & the Fracking Permits Folly

The Fracking Entity materialised at the Castle but so did Tipsy and the rest of Lapinette's personal guard. It was an attempt to buy time while the Wabbit concocted a plan, and in order to sow confusion, they were in theatrical mode. "What fracker comes?" they chanted. "I've here for my license," boomed the Entity. Tipsy hopped forward. "What kind of licence would you take?" Fitzy looked up. "A dog licence maybe? " Mitzy looked up too. "A driving licence? I can get you one cheap." "I want a fracking licence!" shouted the Fracking Entity. "It's not as simple as that," said Fitzy, "because first you need an Exploration License." "Then you'll need a Development Licence," said Mitzy. "I want a fracking Drilling License," yelled the Entity. "Well that's a pity," said Tipsy, shaking her head sadly, "... because you're at entirely the wrong Castle." "Aaaaagh" shouted the Entity. "I think we could start you off with an Options License," said Fitzy. "See how you get on," suggested Mitzy. "OK," sighed the Entity with a weary tone. "But then," said Mitzy, "to get an Options License you first require a Preliminary Waste License." There was a sigh of exasperation. "How do I obtain that?" "You can get one at the other Castle," said Tipsy. The Entity groaned. "And how do I get there?" Fitzy pulled out cards. "You'll need a Travel Permit."

13. The Wabbit and the Big Frack

 

The team hit Lingotto running and they thought they'd shaken the Entity. But the Wabbit looked down the street and there it was. Tipsy vaulted onto a balcony and unleashed a hail of gunfire to no avail. The Entity was slow but its tripod legs could measure streets in one stride. "Stop!" yelled the Wabbit. To his surprise the Entity stopped. Jenny tilted her hat. "The message from the Broccoli Brigade! It was to warn us." The Wabbit had a think. "Go!" he shouted. The Entity snaked out a leg. "Stop!" commanded the Wabbit. The Entity froze. Jenny nudged the Wabbit with her hook. "Commander, it seems it will talk to you." "OK, Fracker," nodded the Wabbit, "what do you want?" The Entity's voice boomed over the roof tops. "I want to frack." The Wabbit scowled up at the Entity but it looked down and shouted. "Gas, shale, frack!" Lapinette winked at the Wabbit. The Wabbit winked back. "Look, Bunky, I know who you really are." "I know you know," confessed Lapinette. The Wabbit sighed. "So what would you do, Bunky?" Lapinette laughed. "I'd confuse it." The Wabbit wheeled around and addressed the Entity. "You have no fracking license." The Entity rattled its tripod legs and moaned. "Where do I get one?" "The Castle," said the the Wabbit. "Maybe I don't need a license." said the Entity. "You came from nothing," said the Wabbit slyly. "But now you may go to the top." "I prefer to go to the bottom," said the Entity. The Wabbit smiled. "You'll have to fight your way down."

12. The Wabbit & the Fracking Entity

The Wabbit led the combined forces of both Carrot and Artichoke Clubs. But Lapinette refused to relinquish her role as Bunky Green, and supported Wabsworth in a mannish and jocular way. "You'll be fine, old chap." "I'm feeling rather better," said Wabsworth as he lurched after the Wabbit. "Can you hear a voice calling?" asked Jenny. "I think its Lagso," said the Wabbit. "He's got a nervous stomach." Wabsworth staggered and accidentally dug Tipsy in the ribs. "Would you like to take me to the movies, Wabsworth?" she whispered. Wabsworth blinked. "I'd like to see The Fog." "So would I," breathed Tipsy and squeezed his paw. Lapinette looked back. "Commander, Lagso is waving!" The Wabbit looked to either side and made no response. "Also he's pointing." Now the Wabbit turned. "What's Lagso got to point at?" It was at that very moment he saw it. The fog had a musty smell, like mouldy old boots long forgotten in a damp cellar. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. In the distance Lagso hopped up and down and pointed and mimed. Jenny glanced to the side. "Commander?" Just as the Wabbit turned he heard a sound that chilled his fur, a noise like rock shearing from a cliff. He didn't have to look to know what it was. The entity towered above them, splitting, combining and splitting again. And every time it split, noxious gases billowed from every fissure. "We're fracked," muttered Tipsy ...

11. The Wabbit & the Fracking Failure

The Wabbit had a hunch and he was right. Everyone else was in the Big Square and it looked like someone or something was tearing it up. He had never seen his android double unsteady but Wabsworth was as wobbly as a drunken satyr. "I'm only running at 20 per cent," he mumbled, "but I routed all my power to my mind." Lapinette and Tipsy held him firmly, then Lapinette spoke softly. "What is on your mind?" There was silence and the Wabbit thought he could hear whirring. "I know things," said Wabsworth, "because I was hit with a sudden flood of data." The Wabbit nodded. "Let's have it." "The Broccoli Brigade caused the green gas," said Wabsworth. He lurched slightly. "There's more, isn't there?" asked Jenny in a concerned voice. Wabsworth pulled himself up. "Yes, much more." He steadied himself against Tipsy. "The Brigade was compromised by Frackers who promised luxury premises in return for cooperation. Together they injected chemicals into the earth." "Something went wrong?" suggested Lapinette. "Very wrong," said Wabsworth. "The chemicals activated long dead organisms, which combined to create a gaseous entity." "It wants the city," said the Wabbit. "It wants everything," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit ground 28 teeth and pondered. "What's its weakness?" Wabsworth smiled for the first time. "Separation anxiety."

10. The Wabbit and the Grayfield Zone

The Wabbit woke up. His legs felt like overcooked spaghetti and his head was no better. But he heard a soft thud and caught Jenny's automatic as it bounced over the wall. He peered over the broken bricks. "Hello Jenny, welcome to Grayfields." "What are we doing here?" asked Jenny. The Wabbit brushed mortar away and rested his paw. "I haven't the slightest clue." Jenny dusted herself down, and pushed the automatic down her skirt. "I have a confession to make, Commander." The Wabbit managed a smile. "How long since your last?" Jenny ignored the Wabbit's sense of humour. "I am only temporary Cardoom at the Artichoke Club." "Splendid," said the Wabbit. "You might consider joining the Carrot Club, we're desperate for members." Jenny span her hat on her hook, then put it on. "Perhaps I could become a Grand Daucus like you." The Wabbit grinned a shaky smile. "I'll nominate you." Jenny shook her head emphatically. "That honor must go to Bunky Green." The Wabbit's 28 teeth gleamed. "When this is over, I'll fill out the papers." They paused. "What about the Jolly Green Gas?" asked Jenny. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "Well, I do have a clue about this menace. If we don't stop it, the whole city is in danger." Jenny's eyes widened and the Wabbit tipped his head to one side. "Have you heard any drilling?" "I have," said Jenny. "See any extra trucks?" "Masses," nodded Jenny. "Fracking," said the Wabbit. "No need to curse," said Jenny.

9. The Wabbit's Attack of the Vapours

An acrid green vapour poured into the room. Tipsy got a taste in the back of her throat and she coughed with nausea. The Wabbit grabbed Lapinette and headed down the stairs but the vapour followed. "Do you have a weapon, Mr Green?" he shouted. Lapinette pulled a Saturday Night Special from her disguise. Even in the confusion the Wabbit noticed the gilded catches and mother of pearl grip. "Tasty," he muttered, "you surprise me, Mr Green."  The fumes drew closer and Lapinette gasped and spluttered. "I was going to plinking practice later." The Wabbit wheezed. "Consider it cancelled." "Commander!" Jenny's voice was weak. She lost her footing and stumbled against the wall, but she managed to pull out an automatic. "We can't shoot vapour!" The Wabbit tried to yell and it came out a croak. He glanced back at Wabsworth to see that even his android double was stumbling. Lagso brought up the rear. His eyes and nose streamed and he tried to clear his head by shaking it, but it only made him dizzy. The swirling green vapour stank like antique garbage and it penetrated everything. The Wabbit began to see shady green meadows where grass and dandelions swayed in a gentle breeze. He felt drowsy and put a paw to his head. "I think I'll have a little nap." He was the last one standing, but not for long, as the deadly green vapour enveloped them all ...

8. The Wabbit & the Unexpected Shot

Somehow everything came together. The Artichoke Club was stocked on beer and Jenny in her role as Cardoom stepped out with Tipsy to greet the Grand Daucus of the Carrot Club. Lapinette hopped forward - suitably disguised as Bunky Green - and proffered a paw. "Ah, Mr Green," said the Wabbit. "Your rather ahead of us." Lapinette flicked her tie. "I organised drinks as a gesture from the Carrot Club." Jenny stood to attention in a formal fashion. "Praise be welcome, Grand Daucus of the Carrot Club, to our most humble premises." The Wabbit smiled. "I do like the architecture." "It's minimalist!" shouted Tipsy. The Wabbit smiled a broad grin. "Enjoy it while you can." Jenny's face was a question. "Because," said the Wabbit, "It won't last long before it's full of things." A polite tittering filled the room, but Lapinette could hear sounds above the laughter. With a crash and a flash the window shattered and a carrot-shaped object flew into the room. Tipsy watched its trajectory. It gave off a luminous glow before it smashed onto the floor. "Don't touch it," cautioned the Wabbit. "There's a note," said Lapinette. "What does it say?" asked Tipsy. "It says Stop," said Jenny and she kicked it with the toe of her boot. "There's more." Everyone waited as Jenny stooped to look. "It's a personal warning from the Fractal of the Broccoli Brigade."

7. Lapinette & the Artichoke Premises

"It won't be ready in time," said Jenny. "It was supposed to be ready last week," said Lapinette. "They'll think we're broke," said Jenny. "We'll say it's minimalist," said Lapinette. A pregnant pause hung silently, but it was broken by a pop and a hiss. "We'll need more beer!" yelled Tipsy. Lapinette wrinkled her nose and envisaged the visit of the Carrot Club delegation. "Maybe they don't drink beer." "Of course they drink beer," said Tipsy and to prove it, she drank some herself. Jenny placed her hook on her hip. "We can always get beer, but we need more members for the official visit." "I'll move around a lot," said Tipsy. "Then I'll go outside and come back in dressed as someone else." Jenny mentally doubled the beer order and looked around. The premises were a recent acquisition and the outcome of an arrangement that involved stuffing envelopes for charitable appeals. "We haven't a stick of furniture," said Lapinette. "They can sit on the floor." Tipsy slid down the wall and squatted on the floor. Lapinette shook her head. "If we can't find more members, the Artichoke Club will be a laughing stock." Tipsy looked up. "I'll get Fitzy and Mitzy." Lapinette smiled. "They don't have to be female. Our Club is open to all, regardless of gender." "Then why have we only got three members?" asked Jenny. "Self discrimination!" shouted Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit at the Cardoom's Address

Lapinette guided Jenny into the Carrot Club and introduced her as Cardoom of the Artichoke Club. The Wabbit, although surprised to meet Jenny in this capacity, remained unflustered. Members gathered and rapt attention fell as Jenny began her address. "Members of the Carrot Club, thank you for your gracious invitation." We thank you, thank you!" cried Club members. "I apologise," said Jenny. "I'm unaccustomed to addressing illustrious gatherings such as this." A rustling of approval rustled round as Jenny began. "Carrots are well-rooted ..." The members nodded in agreement. "... while artichokes are all heart," continued Jenny. Members started to smile. "Some say artichokes are prickly." "No, never," cried the members. "But I say, they're soft inside," chortled Jenny. A smattering of pleasant laughter echoed in the high ceilings. Now Jenny raised a paw in pause. "We have many similarities." "What are they?" yelled Lagso. "Carrots and artichokes are nutritious and keep well." said Jenny. "Carrots are vitamin sticks." said Caroto." "Artichokes are a rich source of folic acid," retorted Jenny quickly. Jenny looked at Lapinette because she was running low on ideas. The Wabbit stepped in.  "Cardoom, how shall we move forward?" "We must move forward with ... " Jenny faltered but Lapinette whispered something. "With meaningful priority!" commanded Jenny in an oratorical voice. Cheering broke out and Jenny turned to Lapinette. "How was that ... Mr Green?" "Awesome," said Lapinette.

5. Lapinette, Jenny and the Switcheroo

"Jenny!" gasped Lapinette. "I thought I'd find you here." Jenny looked at Lapinette's disguise with due regard. "Have you been trying to get into the Carrot Club?" Lapinette waved a letter. "Never mind that, we're having a meeting." Jenny raised both eyebrows. "This is an Emergency Meeting of the Artichoke Club. Now!" yelled Lapinette. "We haven't got a quorum," shrugged Jenny. Lapinette hopped up and down and waved the letter wildly. "I'm the Cardoom and this is Cardoom's Emergency Action." Jenny saw Lapinette was agitated and knew this to be unusual. So she ordered a rum and waited. Lapinette calmed. "I'm passing Cardoomship to you for a week." Jenny narrowed shrewd eyes. "So what do I have to do in this week?" "You'll give an official address to the Carrot Club." Jenny gave a pirate guffaw. "What do I say?" Now Lapinette fell silent because she hadn't a clue. The coffee machine hissed and gurgled. "Oh, make it up as you go along." Jenny nodded curiously. "Where is the Carrot Club?" "I'll introduce you," said Lapinette. "Just remember - my name is Bunky Green." "And you're some kind of boy," winked Jenny. Lapinette waved the letter again. Jenny took it and muttered. "What about the Wabbit?" "He's delighted," said Lapinette. "You know, in his pompous way." Jenny swayed backwards. "Will I address you as Bunky?" "Certainly not!" said Lapinette. "Call me Mr Green."

4. The Wabbit takes Bunky Aside

The Wabbit was interested in the recruitment potential of the Artichoke Club and the Carrot Club's latest member, Bunky Green, seemed knowledgeable. On the pretext of showing him round the building, the Wabbit took Bunky aside and spoke in a respectful, serious tone. "Bunky. For a male, you know a lot about the Artichoke Club." "Who me?" said Lapinette lightly, pretending to consider the matter. "No more than an ordinary bunny on the tram." The Wabbit disagreed but nodded encouragingly. "It's just that we're hoping to recruit female members." Lapinette was enjoying posing as Bunky so she made a rash suggestion. "Why don't you ask them?" The Wabbit was delighted. "Yes," he agreed. "We'll formally invite their leader. What do they call her?" Lapinette groaned inwardly. "Cardoon." It was all very well being Cardoon of the Artichoke Club and posing as new recruit Bunky - but Lapinette couldn't be both in the same place at the same time. She knew her ruse would be discovered, so she tried desperately to think of a plan. Of this, the Wabbit seemed unaware. "Excellent, I'll draft a letter inviting an address from the Cardoon." Lapinette bounded up the staircase. "I'll deliver it if you like." "We wouldn't put you to any trouble," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled the broadest smile. "Let's use the personal touch. It's awfully good PR." "I couldn't possibly impose," chortled the Wabbit. "It's on my way home," smiled Lapinette ...

3. The Wabbit & the Mixed Reception

The cocktail and carrot reception had been underway for some time and the Wabbit waited for new recruits with a glass of welcoming aperitivo. He began to tire and thought of drinking it himself - when in hopped a likely candidate. "Welcome!" boomed the Wabbit. "Please partake of liquid refreshment." My name's Bunky," said Lapinette, taking the glass. "It's Bunky Green." "Our Carrot Club is your Carrot Club," said the Wabbit. Lapinette effected a male pose and looked around. "Isn't this a cocktail and carrot reception?" "Yes." said the Wabbit. "So where are the carrots?" "In the cocktails," smiled the Wabbit. They nodded amiably but the Wabbit nodded harder. "I was hoping to greet a few female recruits." Lapinette gulped and the Wabbit stared hard at her ears. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" Lapinette thought fast. "The soccer stadium?" The Wabbit's face fell. "Perhaps you know of females with a passion for carrots." Lapinette grinned a lop sided grin. "All the females I know are interested in artichokes." "They don't like carrots?" asked the Wabbit. "I've really no idea," gasped Lapinette, draining her aperitivo much too quickly. The Wabbit took her glass. "Tell our members about yourself while I'll fix you another drink." He vanished and everyone turned to look at Lapinette. She adopted a solemn stance. "I was arrested during the Carrot Riots."

2. Lapinette & the Artichoke Approach

In the home of a dear friend, Lapinette rigged herself out in male gear. Convinced the Carrot Club was closed to females, she was determined to apply anyway. "One way or another," she mused, "I'll break down this bastion of male misogyny, this leaning tower of patriarchy, this ... " Lapinette couldn't think of any more names. But during her office as First Cardoon of the Artichoke Club, she had successfully facilitated key motions decrying gender inequality. These motions were all duly proposed, seconded, and unanimously passed. They were then ceremonially inscribed in the Grand Directory and celebrated with copious quantitities of Cynar Liqueur. But they went no further. Of all this, the outside world remained blissfully unaware. Lapinette straightened her carrot tie, which she had seized from the Wabbit's secret drawer of carrot accessories, and looked at her legs in the culottes she had made from an old coat. "Not bad," she murmured. "Now what about some laddish speech?" She placed her paws on her hips and winked at the mirror. "Carrot juice puts fur on your chest!" Then she patted her chest and pointed. "Let's go to the Carrotery, jump the juice and get legless." In her thoughts, things became frisky. "Let's find ourselves a couple of hot carrots." Lapinette sighed and returned to first principles. "My name's Bunky. I'm a boy."
[Cynar is an liqueur flavoured with herbs and plants, predominantly artichokes. Laddish: a young man who behaves boisterously]

1. The Wabbit's Carrot Club Conundrum

The Wabbit stalked the hallowed corridors of the Carrot Club bearing his badge of office. He had acted as Grand Daucus for three years and his tenure was due to expire, so he wanted a big splash when he stood down. He hopped along the corridor, then hopped back.  "How," he thought, "can I enlist the first female member of the Carrot Club?" He shook his head like a donkey because nearly everyone thought the Carrot Club was a stuffy, male only institution. But there was one simple incontrovertible fact. Despite the best efforts of the Club, no female had ever applied. The Wabbit ploughed through a list of membership ideas.  "Perhaps," he mused, "I could be a guest speaker at the Artichoke Club." The Wabbit visualised the large numbers of females he'd seen travelling every year to the Artichoke Festival of Ladispoli and saw himself moving quietly amongst them, passing out carrot leaflets. The Wabbit smiled. "I could make a special offer. If the new member doesn't like the Club after 3 months, we return the fee." The Wabbit felt he was getting somewhere so he mentally listed several ideas and thought out a design for a badge bearing the slogan "Carrots Matter". "I have it!" yelled the Wabbit suddenly. "We'll hold a cocktail and carrot reception!" His voice travelled to the end of the corridor and returned jollier than it had set out. "I'll get some costings in the bar," thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit hosts the Adventure Caffè

They gathered in a caffè by the river and waited for Skratch to arrive. In the interim, the Wabbit glared at Wabsworth and Wabsworth stared back. Lapinette tried to distract the Wabbit. "This is a nice place Wabbit, I didn't know it was here." "It's part of the Old Medieval Castle," muttered the Wabbit. Tipsy lurched against the wall and yelled, "Oh look it's Skratch!" Skratch purred his way into the throng. "Well that was quite an adventure." "What kind of adventure, though?" grinned Jenny. The Wabbit finally smiled. "I expect you're going to tell us about narratological repetition." "Not at all," said Skratch. "I'm going to tell you that repetition is an untranslated unconscious message." Finally Wabsworth spoke. "It was my job to bring that to consciousness." Lapinette crossed her legs. "So what was the message?" Wabsworth nodded sagely. "We're all preserved as individuals from moment to moment and that's repetition." "Who's buying the drinks?" yelled Tipsy. "Looks like John Paul Sartre." said Skratch. The Wabbit winked broadly. "Then we may have to wait a while, so I'll get them." He made a secret sign and glasses tinkled in the kitchens. "How did you do that?" asked Lapinette. "Practice," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked sceptical because when it came to attracting the attention of waiters, the Wabbit was hopeless. "I come here every day," confessed the Wabbit. 

13. The Wabbit and the Ball Question

The Wabbit's team arrived just as a cry of "We surrender!" issued from inside the ball. Lapinette sliced away a cake-shaped portion and an Ice Mouse appeared with a white flag clenched in its jaw. "This wasn't supposed to happen," said a stern voice at the rear. The Wabbit gasped in amazement. "Alien Pilot. What the binky are you doing here?" Alien Pilot blinked all four eyes. "I'm afraid this is an art installation for your Museum of Enemies, Commander." The Wabbit began to bluster, so Lapinette waved her edged weapon. "We were not informed." Alien Pilot looked abashed. "It was interactive. That was the whole point." Lapinette noticed the Wabbit getting furious so she cut in. "Who's idea?" "It was Wabsworth," said the Alien Pilot. "He knew you'd be pleased." The Wabbit tapped a foot rhythmically in a fashion that even Tipsy found alarming. "Oh I am pleased," he growled. "Very pleased indeed. Any others that I should perhaps congratulate?" "Nine the Tram," said the Alien Pilot. A strange thing happened. The Wabbit's head tilted back and he started to guffaw. "Haw haw haw." The Wabbit's sides shook as he convulsed in helpless mirth, but he stopped suddenly. "Where's my souvenir?" Without warning Tipsy fired a single round. Panico caught the bullet between his teeth and threw it to the Wabbit. "All's well that ends well, Sir." The Wabbit laughed again. "The fun has only just started!"

12 The Wabbit watches from a Height

From his vantage point in the tram, the Wabbit could only wait and hope. But Lapinette easily hit Panico's palm dead centre, then flipped onto the ground with the edged weapon still in her paw. The Giant Ball dropped like a stone and showed signs of collapsing. Lapinette ignored faint hissing and turning on one foot, slashed again. She opened three more vents but couldn't see much inside. "Take it, Tipsy!" she yelled. Tipsy pulled out the automatic she'd borrowed from the Wabbit's secret dump, took careful aim and picked out one of her initials on the ball's surface. "Not so big now, you Ball!" she shouted. Lapinette thought she could hear something from deep inside. It was something she knew, but she couldn't place it. Panico shook a fist at the Ball and when nothing happened he shook it some more with a voice that sounded braver than he felt. "I've come to get you!" he said loudly. "Be most afraid and give up at once." But from the Ball there came not a murmur. Lapinette felt a sudden burst of impatience. "Tipsy, do you have any lighter fuel?" Tipsy not only had fuel, but possessed several serious lighters and a full kit of spare parts. She groped under her dress and something that looked like a flame thrower glistened in the dappled sun. "Come on out," she screamed, "or your Ball's toast."

11. The Wabbit and Lapinette's Plunge

Nine the Tram did something interesting. Without disengaging the Late Tunnel he selected full speed ahead. It was a tactic the Ball hadn't expected because it gave in the middle and distorted - but now they were stuck together as they rolled back towards Lingotto Station. "Nine! Disengage!" shouted the Wabbit. For one brief moment the whole tunnel warped. Then with a monstrous groaning that seemed to come from the very Pit of Hell, they all materialised above Lingotto. Lapinette's lip curled as she produced an edged weapon from beneath her dress and hung from the window. "I'll get that thing!" With two deft slashes she ripped a hole in the ball. "I'll open you up like a can of beans!" Lapinette stretched to make another cut, but Nine the Tram pitched and vibrated and her grip loosened. Skratch grabbed for Lapinette's foot but gravity defied him and she started to fall. But just as Lapinette felt herself slipping from the tram, she caught a brief flash of orange way down below. It was Panico. His eyes narrowed as he pulled and pulled with all his might. Suddenly his fist unstuck from his face with a sound like a suction cup, and branches swayed as he unfolded a giant hand. "Over here Lapinette! I'll save you!" Lapinette pretended she had a parachute, spread her limbs and homed in on the outspread palm ...

10. Tipsy and the Inconvenient Check

Tipsy came hurtling into Turin like she was finishing the Grand Prix with only one car to beat. "Better notify my next of kin," she sang as she wrenched the wheel and slithered onto Corso Svizzera. "Where are they?" asked Panico, leaning out. "The Wabbit asked Nine the Tram to take him here." shouted Tipsy, "so I'm starting here." "Anything could have happened to him!" yelled Panico. "Anything!" "Well it usually does," nodded Tipsy and she dived across the tram lines with scant regard for road signs or traffic signals. The radio crackled. Tipsy tried to hold it to her ear but it it flew from her grasp and sailed around the cab. She could hear Wabsworth asking her to come in please, so she raised her voice and screamed, "Copy!" Wabsworth's voice was calm. "The Wabbit is in the late tunnel. Proceed to Lingotto." "Wilco!" shouted Tipsy. Everything lurched as she doubled round to head for the Big Bridge. For several seconds her truck ran on two wheels and then stabilised at the cost of two decorative conifers. "Look out, police!" shouted Panico. Tipsy put her foot to the floor. Stop signs flew skywards as the truck swept past the squad car. Panico gasped. "They shouted that the Wabbit is in the late tunnel." "They just want to take me to dinner," said Tipsy.

9. The Wabbit & the Tumbled Arrival

The Wabbit only had time to turn as Jenny and Skratch jumped. Skratch landed easily but Jenny cartwheeled and sprawled on the floor. With a hiss of compressed air, Nine's doors swept shut and suddenly everything stopped. The Giant Ball hung in the tunnel like a cut-out moon and all was still. "Red light," said Nine the Tram. "I engaged Late Tunnel mode." The Late Tunnel was a quantum space known only to Turin trams and a few cognoscenti. Few people knew their way into that space and even fewer found their way out. Skratch smiled at Jenny. "You've never been here, have you?" Jenny shook her head and dusted herself down. "I'm a pirate chief, not an underground surveyor." "Nor a circus acrobat," smiled the Wabbit. Lapinette stared at the Giant Ball. "I thought I saw something move." The Wabbit turned. "What kind of something?" Lapinette gazed at the Ball. "More like somethings." Now they all looked, but only Lapinette seemed able to see anything. So the Wabbit did something he seldom did. He fumbled in his fur for a hidden control unit and switched on his Blue Glasses. "I doubt if they'll work in here," said Nine. "This isn't a gadget space." Lapinette studied the Ball again. "They're very annoyed." "I know how it feels," said the Wabbit. He whacked his control unit on a grab handle and scowled. "Nine, I know how to deal with this," said Jenny softly. Everyone stared. "Ram it ..."

8. The Wabbit in the Approaching Tram

"There they are!" yelled Jenny as Nine the Tram shot up an incline with the Giant Ball close behind it. "I can see them," shouted Skratch. "Nine is in reverse, his rear doors are open and the steps are down." "Then get ready to hop," called Jenny. "I don't hop," meowed Skratch. "I'm a cat. Cats leap." Jenny smiled and leaned out further to judge the distance. The Wabbit spotted her from the Tram and nudged Lapinette. "We have company. Get ready to grab." Nine had found it difficult to shake off the Giant Ball. Busy traffic made his life difficult and his manoeuvring proved unsuccessful, so he made for a siding that he knew led into the metro. But the only way he could access the tunnel was backwards. With squealing wheels and a substantial quantity of sand he stopped dead, threw the control unit into reverse and hurtled into the darkness. But the Ball squeezed into the tunnel and whirled rapidly forward like a spinning top. Skratch could see it was gaining on Nine and he leaned out and listened. His ears were certainly the sharpest at low range and he could hear a dugga-dugga throb above the whine of the motor. "Nine's getting ready to close the doors." Jenny stretched at an impossible angle. She could make out the Wabbit's glasses and saw a raised paw counting down. Now Jenny could hear the compressor and she repeated the count to Skratch. "Five, four, three, two ..." The whistling bolt of orange drew level and they leaped at the same instant ...

7. Tipsy & the Question of Confidence

Tipsy found Panico by Roma St Peter's Railroad Station. There, it was his habit to watch trains pass over the bridge, a pastime which he found soothing. Panico was delighted to see Tipsy although it was hard to tell. His eyes blinked rapidly, his fist shook and his voice was tremulous. Tipsy looked up with swimmy eyes. "Panico, fancy meeting you here!" Panico's heart fluttered. "Are you visiting?" Tipsy laughed. "No, I came to ask for your help." Panico was about to say "who me?" but instead he drew himself up to his fullest height. "I'm at your service!" "The Wabbit asked for you specially," said Tipsy, "He's having difficulty with an enemy." Panico drew a breath and started back. "How big is it?" Tipsy threw her paws wide. "It's a giant ball." Panico shuddered inside but he spoke boldly. "Giant balls hold no particular terror for me." Tipsy gaped. Panico nodded vigorously. "I can deal with giant balls." Tipsy smiled inwardly for she knew this bravado was more for Panico's self esteem than for the task in paw. "How do we get there?" asked Panico suddenly. "The truck," said Tipsy. "It's a very long way," groaned Panico, "so who's driving us?" "Me," said Tipsy. Panico's eyes bulged in terror. "Aaaaagh! Fabulous!" he yelled. He listened to his voice bouncing round the railroad arches until it faded entirely. Tipsy fluttered her eyes. "Panico darling, do you want to drive ..?"

6. The Wabbit and the Timely Arrival

The waterlogged sounds from the Big White Ball faded as it rose into the air and it raced rapidly towards the Wabbit and Lapinette. They braced themselves for the inevitable impact. But instead of a muffled roar they heard a swooshing sound of metal gliding on metal then a double clang. The Wabbit didn't hesitate. He gripped Lapinette with one paw and a grab handle with the other as Nine the Tram hoisted them on board. The Wabbit seized the control handle and swung it viciously as far as it would go. "Difficult enemy?" asked Nine. "It's a pest," said Lapinette grumpily as they narrowly missed a large sign warning of Danger. Nine released a burst of compressed air. "Where would you like to go?" "End of the line," said the Wabbit. Nine fired another burst of compressed air. "On this particular occasion, I don't have a specific route." "Take us out past Corso Svizzera," yelled the Wabbit. "There's no need to shout," said Nine. "I have very good hearing." The Wabbit wasn't certain whether he owed Nine a favour, or if it was the other way around. He chose the second option. "Pick up Skratch and Wabsworth. We need a pow wow." "Anything else?" asked Nine. Lapinette broke in. "Could we stop at a caffè for aperitivi?" Nine giggled in a rather a pleasant and mostly sonorous tinkle. "Scenic spot?" "Da portare via!" shouted the Wabbit. "Subito!" said Nine.
[da portare via : to take away, to go.  Subito : At once, immediately]

5. The Wabbit and the Offshore Unit

The Wabbit and Lapinette ditched their jeep and ran along the riverbank with the Ball in close pursuit. The Wabbit seemed to have a clue about the Ball but his plan came to a halt when he decided to hop onto a maintenance barge. The Ball made heavy weather of the water as had been expected and its muffled roar turned into a waterlogged creaking, but it drew close enough and started to pulse. Lapinette shook a control unit. "This ship will never sail." "It's not a ship as such," retorted the Wabbit, rattling the door handle. "It's a Mobile Offshore Unit." By this time, the Wabbit knew he had made two erroneous assumptions: the first was that he could start the unit and the second that he could sail it. He was just about to move to Plan B, when he heard familiar voices. "Commander! Marchesa!" Tipsy pulled out the automatic she'd borrowed from the Wabbit's secret dump and fired a warning shot at the Ball. But the recoil spring jammed and Tipsy hurled a stream of invective that curled the Wabbit's fur. Now the Ball was stationary but its green glow pulsed steadily. Lapinette stared at it and nudged the Wabbit. "Who's inside the Ball?" The Wabbit thought of a list of enemies then shook his head. "Anyone's guess." Lapinette took over. "Tipsy," she yelled. "Take the truck and get Panico." It was the Wabbit's turn to stare. Lapinette shrugged. "Panico's the biggest friend we have." The Wabbit looked sceptical. "But he's terrified of Tipsy." "We all are," smiled Lapinette.

4. The Wabbit & the half-finished Jeep

The Wabbit and Lapinette raced from the Gallery and jumped into a jeep that the Wabbit had half-finished renovating. The gears crashed and the transmission whined but it flew across the concourse and down the steps with the giant ball in close pursuit. An angry roar bounced from the buildings and set Lapinette's teeth on edge. "It's getting bigger!" The Wabbit ignored the clutch, revved the throttle twice and shifted up. Lapinette glanced behind as the jeep scampered onto Via Nizza at a speed that was much too fast for its brakes. "It's not him," said the Wabbit veering left. Lapinette gripped anything she could find. "Who's not who?" The Wabbit gritted his 28 teeth as what passed for suspension bounced and catapulted his ears against the canvas roof. "That isn't Rover. He's just pretending." Lapinette knew that the Wabbit could see things that no-one else could - and although that could be annoying, he was usually right. "Do we have a plan?" "Oh the usual," said the Wabbit. Lapinette shrugged. More often than not, the Wabbit missed vital details but thought everyone knew what he meant. So Lapinette chanced her own strategy. "The river?" The Wabbit might have nodded but with all the vibration it was hard to tell. "I'll do what I do best." Lapinette smiled a malicious smile. "Make life complicated ..?"

3. Tipsy, Stone and the Preview Tickets

Not too far from the Gallery, Tipsy draped herself on a wall in a sultry manner only she could manage. It was unseasonably hot and Via Nizza baked in the afternoon sun. But Tipsy had a preview ticket for the Wabbit's Museum of Enemies and nothing else to do - so she looked up at the sun and figured it was time to go. "Och, bonny wee bunny!" Tipsy looked down to see Stone approaching so she pretended to know nothing about him. "Don't you bonnie wee bunny me," she retorted and slid down the wall a little. Stone's boots flew as he performed a series of dance steps called a Pas de Basque. "You're Tipsy, so ye are." Tipsy fixed Stone with a swoony gaze. "Would you like to take me out?" Stone tapped a beat with his boots. "Whit aboot the ballet?" " Tipsy shook her head, so Stone had a think. "I'll tak ye to the movies." Tipsy smiled and nodded. Stone's boots flailed as he danced faster. "Are ye going to the Preview?" Tipsy nodded again. "We'll gang thegither," said Stone. Suddenly Tipsy's ears quivered. "Whit was that?" asked Stone. Tipsy's ears pointed straight down Via Nizza towards the Gallery and she looked into the distance. "Stone, did you hear a muffled roar?" "Aye," said Stone, "a muffled roar means unco trouble." They both started to run. "Does the Wabbit knows we're coming?" shouted Stone. Tipsy laughed. "That's why he gave us tickets."
[Pas de Basque: elementary Highland dance step. Gang thegither (Scottish dialect): Accompany each other. Unco (Scottish dialect): extreme]

2. The Wabbit and the Surprise Exhibit

Lapinette and the Wabbit strolled around the exhibition preview. They smiled as they hopped from room to room and pointed and laughed as they relived old adventures. "It's going to be a big success," said Lapinette. "Think it will make La Stampa?" murmured the Wabbit. "We do get the odd mention," said Lapinette. The Wabbit scowled. "Every twenty years?" Lapinette smiled because she knew the Wabbit didn't really like publicity. "Oh look," she gasped, "the Euclidean Faction!" "We frustrated its turn to armed geometry," grinned the Wabbit. "What happened to them?" asked Lapinette. "Nothing much," said the Wabbit. "They had no moral compass." Lapinette moved close and lost herself in the image. "Lapinette," said the Wabbit softly. "Mmmm," said Lapinette. The Wabbit narrowed his eyes and looked into the next room. "I saw something move." Lapinette hopped back as a shadow passed across the picture. "Just a trick of the light." The Wabbit frowned. "Art gallery lights don't play tricks." Lapinette shook her head. "Maybe it was an installation." The Wabbit's ears twitched. "There it is again." Lapinette looked round. "I can't see anything." The Wabbit beckoned and Lapinette joined him. "There!" Lapinette gulped. "It's ... " "Rover!" yelled the Wabbit as he delved in his fur. There was a terrifying sound as a giant ball slithered into view and spoke. "Wabbit, you have pretensions - but you're just a number." The Wabbit thrust Lapinette behind him, pointed an automatic and growled. "Where's your invite?"

1. The Wabbit & a Technical Departure

The Wabbit and Lapinette were the last to leave for home. Lapinette took the opportunity to collect her helichopper from maintenance then she picked up the Wabbit from Isola Tiberina. "Did you throw some juice in the bird?" grinned the Wabbit. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Light the fires and kick the tyres?" "Yes," groaned Lapinette. "Any issues?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette turned quickly. "Loose nut behind the cyclic." The Wabbit winced. He thought it was about his loop adjustment to the pitch control, but he quickly realised Lapinette was referring to him. So the Wabbit relaxed and settled back. Lapinette made a vertical take off to hover then checked. "Pitch, attitude and position," murmured the Wabbit. Lapinette pretended not to hear. Then with a burst of throttle she wheeled and darted into the northern sky. They fell quiet except for the sound of the blades and the chattering of the Wabbit's teeth. "Any ideas?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head and Lapinette smiled. "I had a message from the Department." The Wabbit brightened. "Your Museum of Enemies is ready." "I had quite forgotten," said the Wabbit. "They want you there for the opening," said Lapinette, "and you have to make a speech." The Wabbit fished in his fur for a set of felt tip pens and a notepad. Then he grimaced. "What's up?" asked Lapinette. "The first hundred pages are the hardest," blinked the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's After Adventure Caffè

They were about to order when Skratch arrived waving as usual. "Where is everyone?" Lapinette smiled. "Tipsy went to the movies with Panico." Skratch's eyes widened and the Wabbit grinned. "Terni took Jenny for a Dragon ride down the coast." Wabsworth giggled. "Fitzy and Puma have gone to the furdressers!" Skratch looked bemused. "So where's Mitzy?" "Out walking with Major Spitlove," Skratch gave up. "They'll never find out what kind of adventure we just had." "What's your learned view, Skratch?" murmured the Wabbit, who's attempts to catch the attention of the waiter had proved unsuccessful. "It was the repeated presentation of a fabulaic event along our text continuum." "That's Sternberg," said Lapinette. Everyone stared. "Yes," said Lapinette. "There's a forecast, an enactment and a report, all communicated by an authorized narrator.*" "Who's the authorised narrator?" asked Wabsworth. "Me of course," said the Wabbit, adjusting his glasses. "Well, Mr Authorised Narrator," snorted Skratch. "You can clear up a loose end." The Wabbit knew what was coming but volunteered nothing, so Wabsworth spoke. "What about the contents of the beach hut?" "Ah," said the Wabbit and he paused for effect. "Did you ever hear the story of the old abandoned beach hut?" Skratch shook his head. "There was nothing in it." said the Wabbit ...

*Shaham, I. (2013), The Structure of Repetition in the Cinema. Poetics Today, Volume 34, Number 4: 437-518

16. The Wabbit and Panico's Salvation

The Wabbit stared down at the prone figures of the Agents of Rabit and spoke to Panico. "What do you think?" Panico's fist shifted slightly. "We won!". Lapinette grabbed Panico's blue vial and threw it in the air. "Drink it," said the Wabbit. Panico didn't hesitate for an instant and he drank the contents in a single gulp. There was silence while everyone waited and chatted. "Nothing happened!" said Panico, "but Wabbit it made you tall." Lapinette laughed, "Panico, you're already tall." "I am!" shouted Panico with glee and his fist moved a little further from his mouth. Lapinette's three personal guards chose this moment to launch into song. "Some vials make you taller," chirped Fitzy. "Some vials make you fall," trilled Mitzy. "But the ones the Agents wanted," sang Tipsy, "can't do anything at all." They all giggled with mirth for some time. "So Panico," said the Wabbit. "Do you want to come back with us?" Panico smiled behind his fist. "I'd rather stay here in Rome with Terni the Dragon." "Then it's all settled," said Lapinette. Tipsy butted in. "There's just one tiny ickle thing left over!" Everyone looked at her. "When I first met Panico here on the beach," said Tipsy, "I never got an answer." Panico looked puzzled but Tipsy's eyes glinted. "You were going to take me out to dinner." "Aaaaaaagh!" yelled Panico and his shriek could be heard all along the coast.

15. Tipsy and the Face of Darkness

Tipsy was the decoy and she was anxious to get this right. So she leaned against the beach hut in a sultry fashion and just as the Agents loomed into sight she raised her eyes and stretched out an arm. A yellow vial came tumbling from the sky and slapped into her paw as if it was a baseball catch. The Agents' snickering clicked off like a sitcom laughtrack. Tipsy let her eyes swim in and out of focus. "Oooh," she mouthed. "My names Tipthy."  "Give us the vial!" shouted the Agents. "Give us it now!" Tipsy threw the vial in the air and caught it.  "Finders keepers, so you need to make it worth my while." "A bottle of champagne," said one Agent. Tipsy snorted. "What sort of rabbit do you think I am? I don't come cheap you know." The Agents rattled their paws threateningly. "Just hand it over!" shrieked the leader, "or we'll take it by force." "Don't you oppress me," said Tipsy. "Besides, you haven't met my little sweetheart kitty cat." A shape moved behind the beach hut and Puma padded into sight. "Meaow," he growled. The Agents drew back, grumbling about sorcery and complaining of magic. "I wonder what's in the vial?" simpered Tipsy. She looked up at the sky again and started to unscrew the bottle. "It's late. I feel like an itsy bitsy drinky poo." "No!" yelled the Agents. Tipsy suddenly threw the vial in the air and batted it directly. The contents showered over the Agents. For an instant nothing happened, but it was just enough time for Tipsy and Puma to wave. "Be seeing you ..."

14. The Wabbit and the Big Wait

The beating of dragon wings could hardly be heard over the swell of the waves, but it was there. "Here he comes," said the Wabbit. They watched as Terni got closer. "Is everything in place?" asked Lapinette, although she knew that it was. "Boom," muttered Tipsy under her breath. The Wabbit stared down the beach to locate Panico and the coast team but suddenly pricked up his ears. "I can hear them." The Agents of Rabit had a very particular sound when they were stressed. It was between grinding metal and a badly played violin and it set Lapinette's teeth on edge. "So can I," she said, and lifted her walkie talkie. Skratch's voice spoke through the crackle. "I hear them but I can't see them yet." Terni started a slow descent, circling over the beach huts further down the shore. Now the beating of his wings swept along the seafront, whipping grains of sand into a series of tiny storms. Tipsy strained to hear the Agents and she could - but all the sounds were so loud that she had to shout. "They're afraid." The Wabbit kept his eyes fixed on the distant huts and growled. "Major Spitlove did his job." Lapinette kicked the sandbags. "They must want Panico's vial very much indeed." The Wabbit visualised the Agents as ten times their normal size and shuddered. Lapinette spoke into the radio in an impatient tone. "Are you all ready?" The radio crackled. "We're ready, are you ready?" "Ready as anyone can be," hissed Tipsy.

13. Spitlove & the Enchanted Fountain

Not far from the island, Spitlove, the Wabbit's double agent, hid the yellow vial and arranged that the Agents of Rabit find it. Spitlove was a rather inventive operative - and that was why the Wabbit kept him on his books. Spitlove had suggested that a team of Agents search an area they knew little about and appealed to their superstitious nature by suggesting it was a place of sorcery. The Agents were on edge. Spitlove led them past a fountain, but said nothing as they cast back and forth. "There it is," shouted an Agent stretching out a paw, "There's Panico's vial!" But the moment he touched it, the fountain creaked into life. Agents shrank back as tiny droplets of water showered over the vial. "What magic is this?" said one. "Don't let the water touch you," said Spitlove. "We might be turned into frogs." One Agent, rather brighter than the rest, spoke up. "Perhaps we can turn it off." They searched for a switch or a lever - anything that would stop the fountain. But with another creak as sudden as the first, the fountain shut down. Small waves moved the vial slightly and tiny beads of water glistened on the glass. "You take it," said one Agent to another. "You first," said the other. Silence fell and for some time the air was still. This didn't last long. "I heard an odd beating sound," said the first Agent. They looked up as a green shape loomed larger and larger. "A dragon!" yelled the Agents. Terni the Dragon swooped down and, in an instant, gathered up the vial then swooped into the distance. "Follow that Dragon!" yelled Spitlove."