The Wabbit hopped along to the new Testaccio market, not far away. Terni the food dragon spotted him easily and swooped down to join him. They both looked around and at first glance, the Wabbit knew it wasn’t as bad as he had
expected. But the Wabbit had a clear idea of what a market should be like. He felt the new building was far too regimented and not very exciting. He wanted
to scruff it up a bit and rummage around. There were no old records or
magazines and everything was so spotless it seemed sterile. The dragon watched the Wabbit quietly shake his head for some time and saw his ears flap up and down. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "Markets," quoted the Wabbit, "should be medieval in character and have limpidity." The dragon fluttered his wings. "What’s
limpidity?" he asked. "Unambiguous. Transparent. Clear and easy to understand," said the Wabbit. "Like me," said the dragon. "Dragons are limpid by nature," said
the Wabbit. "Not like you then, Wabbit?" stated the dragon, "Regretfully no," said the
Wabbit. "No offence," said Terni the dragon. "None taken," said the Wabbit and he paused
to consider the matter of markets. Suddenly an idea flashed into the Wabbit’s head
and he smiled broadly at Terni. "What about a transfer?" "To a new
market?" asked Terni. "Exactly!" said the Wabbit. "Will there be a transfer fee?" shrieked
Terni with delight. "We’ll negotiate something," said the Wabbit. "15 kilograms of
cabbage," said Terni. "Anything else?" grinned the Wabbit. Terni folded his wings
back, thought deeply, then made his decision. "I want a barrel of beer." "Now, that’s limpid!" yelled the Wabbit.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
4.. The Wabbit and Social Change
The Wabbit was horrified to see Testaccio Market
and stared at the food dragon. "What’s happened here?" he asked,
"because this was a vibrant place full of hustle and bustle and people
selling stuff." "They closed it," said the food dragon.
"They can’t!" said the Wabbit and he stamped his hind leg in disgust.
"There’s a new market of concrete and lights and niche products,"
said the dragon, "and they have no room for a food dragon like me."
The Wabbit stamped his foot again. "They would not embrace your
difference," he shouted. "I’m used to it," said the dragon.
"There was once a saint who tried to make me mild." A ferocious heat
emerged from the dragon's tongue and it singed the Wabbit's fur, so
the Wabbit hopped back slightly. "How did that make you
feel?" he said, smoothing his fur with both paws.
"Angry!" roared the dragon. Everything rattled. "I suggest you
forgive him," said the Wabbit. "No!" roared the dragon.
"Say it," said the Wabbit. "Say what?" said the dragon.
"I forgive the saint." repeated the Wabbit. "I can't," said
the dragon. "Try," urged the Wabbit. The dragon fluttered his wings
and quietly murmured, "I forgive him." "Can’t hear
you," said the Wabbit. "I forgive him!" roared the dragon and
the Wabbit hopped back once more. "How do you feel now?" he asked.
"Mildly irritated," said the dragon. The Wabbit bared a 28 toothed grin. "My work is nearly done!" he smiled.
"Now let’s take a look at this awful market. What’s your name, by the
way?" "Terni," said the dragon. "Come on Terni, let’s see what the planners have done." "Wabbit, what do
planners eat?" asked Terni. "Their words, usually," said
the Wabbit.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
3. The Wabbit and the Dragon's Fare
"Whoah hooah!" said the Wabbit as the food dragon whisked him
into the sky and past the Vatican dome. The Wabbit's ears were firmly in the
grip of the dragon’s talons and the air tore at his fur as they flew across the
rooftops. "Where precisely is your destination?" asked the Dragon. "Testaccio
Market," yelled the Wabbit. "Pistachio market, I call it," said the food dragon, "so
that will be 7 euro." The Wabbit didn’t
have the breath to argue and anyway he thought it was a fair enough price. Somehow, the dragon seemed to know what the Wabbit
was thinking. "That’s a special price, because it’s where I live and I’m on my
way home." "To your den?" suggested the Wabbit. "I don’t have a den," said the dragon. "I have a lair." "OK, lair," agreed the Wabbit for the sake of
peace. "You can help me because I’m seeking a dragon that been disturbing the
population." "I’m not disturbed, I’m a perfectly balanced dragon," cried the dragon and he showed the Wabbit what he meant by
swooping rather close to a spire. "Not that sort of disturbation," said the Wabbit
clenching his ears as best he could manage. "I meant the general population kind
of running around shouting "Don't Panic!" disturbation.". "Oh them," said
the dragon. "They’re quite silly." "When
will we get there?" asked the Wabbit, who was becoming impatient and his fur was feeling aeriated. "After I get my shopping," said the dragon. "What shopping?" asked the Wabbit. "Food shopping," said the dragon. The Wabbit laughed. "Why did
the corn stalk get mad at the farmer?" he ventured. "I give up," said the dragon. "He
kept pulling its ears!" yelled the Wabbit.
Monday, September 10, 2012
2. The Wabbit and the Food Dragon
The Wabbit took a short cut through the tunnel that routed
the Galleria Principe Amedeo di Savoia underground by the Vatican then down to
the Tiber. The Wabbit thought that name was far too long for a tunnel and
besides it was extremely polluted and rather unpleasant. So he pinched his nose
to avoid breathing fumes and hopped quickly towards the other end. He was just half way through when he became aware of a periodic roaring but he shrugged it away, because he assumed it must be someone showing off a new Ferrari. "How vulgar," he muttered and carried on. Then he felt a strange heat at his back. "Hot
day," thought the Wabbit, "especially in this tunnel," and he fanned his fur with
both paws. Then a roaring echoed back
and forward between the tunnel walls and a wind ruffled the Wabbit’s fur and made
it prickle. "Must be a summer storm," thought the Wabbit and he carried on hopping. But for an instant he caught a whiff of fresh vegetables and being unable to explain this away, he glanced
over his shoulder. A green dragon swooped through the tunnel at crazy angles,
looming closer and closer. Suddenly the dragon screeched to a halt and looked at the Wabbit
as if he were mad. The Wabbit shrugged and looked back as if he wasn’t. "Roar?" said the dragon. "Grrr?" said the Wabbit, because he couldn’t think of a
suitable utterance. "Roar!" bellowed the
dragon and shot off. The Wabbit peered towards the exit as the dragon’s wings obscured
the light and made everything dim, But then to his astonishment, he saw him
swooping back. The Wabbit ducked as the dragon
passed him again, then flinched as it circled round and picked him up by his
ears. "This way," said the dragon.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
1. The Wabbit hears of a Dragon
Lovely Lapinette emerged from the electronics shop clutching some kind of machine and the Wabbit descended on her with delight. "Let me make a few adjustments," said the Wabbit. "No!" cried Lapinette but she was too late and the Wabbit did something and handed
it back. "I’ve told you about this before," said Lapinette. "It’s fine," said the Wabbit, "It voids the warranty," said Lapinette. "That's not worth the cardboard it’s
written on," said the Wabbit. "Well, all I can say is that it's a good thing you have a new mission. It will keep
you out of trouble." "Oh," said the Wabbit, "does it involve
complexity?" "It's simple. You have to go to Rome, there's a strange dragon flying around." The Wabbit looked curiously at Lapinette and paused to consider what other kind of
dragon there might be. "I’ll pack my dragon accessories," he smiled. "What kind of accessories?" said Lapinette with alarm. "Pots and pans," said the Wabbit. "You can get these in Rome," said Lapinette, "it’s not the desert." "I prefer my own," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" said Lapinette. "Depends what country it’s from," said the Wabbit. "You know an awful lot about dragons," said Lapinette. "Dragonology," replied the Wabbit. For a moment there was silence. "Perhaps it will grant me a wish," murmured the Wabbit, "and I'll ask for peace and quiet." "Be very careful about what you wish for," advised Lapinette, clasping her machine close. "Don’t press that red button!" shouted the Wabbit.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
The Wabbit and Film Criticism
The wabbits met at a caffè they hadn’t been to before and sheltered
from the baking sun. They had just begun to discuss what kind of adventure they
had, when they saw Skratch hove around the corner. “You settle this Skratch," called the Wabbit. "You’ve been to lit-crit class," added Lapinette. "I’ve been perusing Jump Cut magazine," said Skratch. "Oh really?" muttered the Wabbit. "I thought that old film journal died with film
criticism years ago!" "It’s online now," said Skratch, "and I’ve been reading about
a film called Taxidermia - the taxidermist was consumed alive by speed eating cats." "Yuk!" said Lapinette and she tried desperately to change the subject. "I do like your new CAT logo, Skratch," she said. "It’s very striking." The Wabbit
wrinkled his nose. "The serif isn’t quite right," he said. "I shot the serif," said Skratch. "What about his deputy?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn’t shoot no deputy," said Skratch, "just the serif. Is it a capital offence?" "No, not in self defence," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "What are you two on about?" she asked with an
exasperated voice. "We were deciding what our War Games adventure could be called," said the Wabbit, "but we got diverted." "I think
it was an ambivalent text that appealed to a broad audience, but despite its
feminist pretensions it emerged somewhat flawed," said Skratch. “Everyone’s a critic," smiled the Wabbit. "There are no proper film critics any more," said Lapinette. "Definitely," said the Wabbit. "The new ones think Pasolini designed sunglasses."
Saturday, September 01, 2012
14. The Wabbit and the Quiz Playoff
The two contestants gathered for the War Game quiz decider
in the courtyard of the Department of Wabbit Affairs, and waited expectantly. "Leeeet the contest begin," drawled Skratch and threw his paws wide. "First question, Wabbit," said Robot, "what is the brightest city that be seen from
outer space." "Viva La Vegas,” sang the Wabbit. "Correct," yelled Skratch. "Lapinette, if you’re
in third place in a race and you overtake the Wabbit, who's in front, in which position
are you?" "Second," said Lapinette. "Correct," said Robot. "Wabbit, what’s
a bad place to fall asleep?" "Concrete," said the Wabbit. "Mmmm. I’ll give you that one," said Robot. "Lapinette, what world figure once appeared in a TV show in his pyjamas?" asked Skratch. "Fidel Castro," said Lapinette quickly. "What?" gasped the Wabbit. "Invece e' vero!" said Skratch, "correct answer." The Wabbit hid a scowl and smiled sweetly but ground his teeth nonetheless. "Level so far," said Robot, "and the first to answer the final
question wins the contest." "What is 5 to
the power of zero?" asked Skratch "One!" screamed the Wabbit hysterically. Lapinette looked at him wryly because she knew the Wabbit
was right and that he was the winner. "Not finished yet," said Skratch, "because in order to fully
answer the question, you must say why." "Everything to the power of
zero is one," explained the Wabbit. "That's only a
convention," sighed Lapinette. "Sometimes being conventional pays off," said the Wabbit. "For once," smiled Lapinette sweetly, "so when's our rematch?" "In due course," grinned the Wabbit. "But first, you owe my team lunch."
[Invece e' vero: Despite what you might think, it's true.]
Thursday, August 30, 2012
13. The Wabbit receives Judgement
The teams gathered at the judges’ chambers for the final
adjudication. The Wabbit had applied various solvents (which he kept in his
fur) to the sticker - but it was still firmly glued to his ear along with some
paint from the prison gates. Skratch was the first judge to speak.
"It was very close. Very close indeed." "Both teams excelled in
different areas," said Robot," and I have computed the margins."
"It’s obvious we won!" cried the Wabbit. "Silence in my
court!" boomed a familiar television voice from Robot’s chest. "Judge
Judy isn’t on the panel!" shouted the Wabbit. "I’m running a Judge
Judy algorithm," said Robot firmly, "which I generated from no less
than ten thousand of her judgements." "Grrr!" said the Wabbit.
"The result is a draw in both sections," said Skratch. “The Wabbits
excelled on innovation and trickery," said Robot. “The Lapinettes were
best at cunning and rapid force," said Skratch. There was silence. "It
can’t be a draw," shouted Wabsworth from the balcony, "because I’m not
doing it again!" "No need," said Robot. "Team leaders will
assemble for a decider." Lapinette looked smug because she was more than
confident. The Wabbit groaned. "I hope it isn’t a quiz," he muttered
to himself. "The decider will be a quiz," said Robot. The Wabbit
pretended to smile. "I love quizzes," he lied, "and I know a
good question." Everyone turned to the Wabbit. "Why doesn’t glue
stick to the inside of the can?" he asked.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
12. The Wabbit gets Stuck
The Wabbit climbed on Wabsworth's shoulders and was about to
stick the last sticker on the last war game target, when Lapinette’s team came
hopping round the corner of the Old Abandoned Prison. "Grrr,"
he muttered as the blue sticker wafted in the wind and stuck to his paw.
"Up a bit, Wabsworth," he cried. Wabsworth gave a grunt and pushed.
The Wabbit shot upward and attached the blue sticker, then his ear to the prison gate. "Grrr," he said again. "Paws
up you lose!" said Fitzy at the front of the red team. The Wabbit waved a
limp paw. "It’s paws down, I win," he said, "because our
sticker is attached to the gate." "Yes indeed," said Lepus.
"Stands to reason," said Khargoosh. Lapinette shook her head
firmly."No, Blue Team, the Wabbit is attached to the sticker so it doesn’t
count. It’s really the Wabbit that’s stuck to the gate." "Well, the
sticker should be of better quality, it won’t come off my fur," grumbled
the Wabbit. But then it suddenly slipped a bit and the Wabbit slid
down too. Wabsworth sagged but the Wabbit remained stuck. "It’s up to the judges now," said Wabsworth. "They'll decide who
wins and who loses." "Oh no, no, no," said Lapinette. "I’m
pointing my weapon at you Wabsworth, and you lose." "On the contrary,
I’m pointing my weapon at you Lapinette, and it’s a standoff " said
Wabsworth. "Grrr. How long will the judges take to get here?" asked
the Wabbit, trying to disengage from the sticker without the
slightest success. "It’ll be a while so you’re obliged to stick
around," laughed Lapinette.
Monday, August 27, 2012
11. Lapinette and the Army Truck
Lapinette’s Red Team was fortunate indeed. On a road just east of the railway line,
they spotted a passing army truck, so Lapinette flagged it down. Frowning with
much authority, she waved some very important looking papers. Then while the driver was
distracted, Tipsy, Mitzy and Fitzy dived into the cab from the other side and pushed the
unfortunate fellow into the street. Handing him a Metro ticket, Lapinette leapt
into the driver’s seat, let the throttle out and the truck bounded forward. "Yippee!" shouted Fitzy at the rear, "Give it all you’ve got!" "It’s a truck, Fitzy, not a Lamborghini," sighed Lapinette
as she steered an unorthodox route through Lingotto and headed for the railway
bridge to intercept the Wabbit’s team. "What were these important papers, Trixie?" asked Mitzy. "Carrot Club membership documents," said Lapinette. "You’re a member?" asked Tipsy. "No, but the Wabbit is," smiled Lapinette. and she swerved violently onto Via Nizza. "Did you ... steal them from him?" gasped Mitzy, her teeth chattering as they hit a section of cobbled road. "I had them in safekeeping. They were in
his spare coat when I took it to the cleaners," said Lapinette calmly and she swerved
left again and pushed the pedal to the metal. People leapt out of their way as
the truck rumbled and clattered across the Corso Dante bridge. "Where did you learn to drive, Trixie?" laughed Fitzy, The engine roared and the gears
crashed as Lapinette drove straight through a barrier. "The Panzer Division!" she laughed.
Friday, August 24, 2012
10. Lapinette and the Runaway Train
The Big Red Train was as good as his word and the Red Team
found themselves misdirected and searching an empty train. They were far from pleased and kicked the seats and shouted fiercely. "Come out with your paws up!" But no one emerged. They searched every carriage but there was no sign of anyone, far less
the Wabbit and his intrepid band. They were just about to give up when the train
suddenly clanged and lurched, then moved at speed along the platform. Before
they could collect themselves the train had sped through Lingotto, disappeared into a tunnel and burst out into open countryside "Cavolo!" cursed Lapinette who was using her code name, Trixie. "Fiddlesticks!" said Mitzy. "Botheration!" said Tipsy. "Sugar!" said Fitzy at the rear and she stamped with vexation. "What do we do now?" asked Tipsy. "The train goes directly to Milan," said Fitzy, who
had the good sense to read the signs. "That’s two hours," said Mitzy. "And two hours back," said Tipsy. “I can count!" snapped Lapinette. "We need to get off and there’s only
one way to do it." Fitzy looked delighted. "Pull the communication cord!" she
yelled. "I’ve always wanted to." "Then what?" asked Tipsy. "Run for it," said Lapinette, "we’ll be back in half an hour if we commandeer a car." "I’ve never done that
either," said Fitzy, clapping her paws. "Don’t we need authority?" asked Mitzy. Lapinette held up her snazer gun. "I am Trixie!" she said. "I’m all the authority anyone needs."
Thursday, August 23, 2012
9. The Wabbit and the Talking Target
The Wabbit’s team blinked when they hopped into the morning
light and surrounded the designated target. But the Wabbit looked reticent and he hesitated. Wabsworth was quite
aware of the Wabbit’s affection for Big Red Trains and called across. "It’s just an exercise
Commander. Stick the sticker!" The Wabbit slapped the blue sticker on the front and looked up. "Is
this an award?" said the Big Red Train. "Kind of," said the Wabbit. "But where’s your puzzle magazine?" asked the
train. The Wabbit was surprised. "Have we met?" "I took
you to Rome twice," said the train. "Sorry, I’m not travelling today," said the Wabbit. "Well, perhaps I can assist you in some other way?" said the train. Lepus winked at Wabsworth. "Does he
always speak to trains?" he asked. "All the time," said Wabsworth, "so listen and learn." The Wabbit’s eyes sparkled and he addressed the train with a jovial smile. "There is
a way you can help us," he said. "Soon, some red eared wabbits
will arrive and I want you to tell them we went the other way." "What way are you
going?" said the train. "Whichever way we go, inform the red ears we went in the
opposite direction," smiled the Wabbit. "What if they get on the choo-choo to search?" asked Khargoosh. The Wabbit turned back to the train. "Should the red ears board,
close the doors and depart immediately." "That’s
difficult," said the train, "I’m afraid I’m the 07.35 to Naples." The Wabbit grinned
with all of his 28 teeth. "That doesn’t matter," he said, "because the 07.35 is always called the 07.35 - even if it's early." "Or late," said Lepus.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
8. The Wabbit strikes First
The Wabbit pressed the blue sticker in place. The Metro was
one of the designated War Game targets for the insurgents and a first in the
second round. The Wabbit smiled a satisfied smile but it didn’t last long.
Alerted by a rustling from beneath the rails he loosened his automatic from his
fur and signalled to his team. All eyes
swivelled to watch the Wabbit. "What’s up?" mouthed Lepus. The Wabbit gave a
serried of paw signals. "I’ve spotted one of the enemy," he waved. Then his paw
wagged up and down for absolute silence as they all inched forward. The Wabbit
swept some dust across the blue sticker to dirty it up and waved for his team to
back away. One by one they all backed down the tracks until they were well out of
earshot. "The best defence is to stay out of range," whispered the Wabbit. "With any luck they won’t see the blue sticker
and they’ll fiddle-faddle here for a while." "What is this fiddling-faddling?" asked
Khargoosh. " با نگاهی
به اطراف," said the Wabbit in
Persian. Lepus look across the rails to Khargoosh. "Them looking around will give us time to beat them to the next target," he advised. The Wabbit grinned because knew that Lepus had
served in many campaigns and had picked up this and that. Khargoosh nodded and pricked up his ears. "We should be going, I can hear a choo-choo," he smiled. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "that’ll cover our tracks."
Monday, August 20, 2012
7. The Wabbit faces a Dilemma
The Wabbit’s team had changed colours for the next round of
the War Game and had gathered at the Caffè in Superga for a break when a red-eared Lapinette came hopping in. "You won’t win the next one!" she said. "Who can foretell the future?" smiled the Wabbit. "You cheated," said Lapinette. "All’s fair in love and war," replied the Wabbit. "Up the reds," said Lapinette and she left as quickly as she had arrived. "Up
the blues," said Lepus and glanced back at Wabsworth who was talking to Khargoosh. "Up the blues," cried Wabsworth and winked. Lepus leaned forward and spoke confidentially to
the Wabbit. "Could you give me Wabsworth’s phone number?" he whispered. "Why don’t
you ask him yourself?" said the Wabbit "I’m hardly his father." Then he noticed Lepus flinch. "Oh I see," said the Wabbit immediately. "What are your exact intentions?" "I thought we might go out for an aperitivo together, then see a show," said Lepus shyly. The Wabbit
wondered how to explain the situation and his eyes narrowed. "Look Lieutenant Lepus, Wabsworth isn’t at all like us wabbits." "I’m very inclusive," said
Lepus. "OK," nodded the Wabbit and he had another think. "His fur isn’t natural, you know," tried the Wabbit. "I really don’t care," said Lepus. The Wabbit thought frantically. "Wabsworth has no parents," said the Wabbit. "We can always adopt some," said Lepus.
This time the Wabbit gave up. “Wabsworth
is an android!” he sighed. "Well, nobody’s perfect,” said Lepus.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
6.The Wabbit & the Surprise Weapon
Lapinette and the blue team waited patiently but never once saw
the Wabbit’s team move. Having emerged from
the secret tunnel some distance away, the Wabbit and his confederates circled
around and approached from the rear. Then just before the gates they lifted their secret
weapons and marched straight through. Startled, the blue team was
confused. But suddenly the Wabbit lifted the bagpipes that Wabsworth had
somehow obtained from the military shop in Crocetta. Air filled the bag as joined by his friends, he
blew into the chanter with one enormous breath. Such a terrible din rose from the
drones and echoed round old brick walls that the Wabbit alone sounded just like an
army of four hundred. When the drone settled to an even menacing pitch that the
Wabbit thought just right, he turned to Sergeant
Khargoosh. "What tune Khargoosh?" he asked, "it's your choice." "The Barren Rocks
of Aden," said Khargoosh immediately. They blew with all their might and all their paws floated merrily across
the chanters. Their bagpipes squealed and skirled into a tune that was so infectious, the blue
team dropped their weapons and began to dance helplessly. Lapinette frowned with
her paws on her hips but she couldn’t stop herself. Without warning, she threw up her arms and then
she too danced a Highland Fling with abandon. "I think that’s our round!" shouted
the Wabbit to Wabsworth. "How long can you keep playing?" asked Wabsworth. "Days," said the Wabbit.
Friday, August 17, 2012
5. The Wabbit and the Secret Doorway
The three swept down the stairs humming a marching tune when
Khargoosh heard a creaking sound. "Who goes there, friend or foe?" he shouted. "Friendly friend," came the reply, but they all pointed their weapons at the big door as the edge of a blue print frock emerged. "Wabsworth!" cried the Wabbit. It's good to see you," "This is the Secret way out from the Secret Stairway, Commander," replied Wabsworth calmly. "Most excellent," exclaimed the Wabbit, grinning. "I must say I like
your delightful frock, Mister Spy" commented Lieutenant Lepus, who was still pointing his snaser
gun rather close to the Wabbit’s ears. "Oh, thank you. Just something I ran up at home," said Wabsworth. "Do you have the secret weapon
as specified?" asked the Wabbit. "I have one for each of you," said Wabsworth, "and I
must say they’re not cheap." "I do hope you
got a receipt," smiled the Wabbit. "They’re on approval," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit
looked at Wabsworth with enormous regard. "What of the enemy?" asked Khargoosh. "They’re waiting to ambush us at the Old Roman Gate," said Wabsworth. "Then that’s where we’ll surprise them," murmured
the Wabbit, "how many do they think we number?" "They think there’s four hundred of
us," said Wabsworth, with a glint in his eye. "Then how many do we number?" roared the Wabbit.
“Four hundred!" shouted Khargoosh. "We are four hundred," yelled Lepus. "Four hundred
and one," said Wabsworth and he ducked through the door. "Follow that wabbit," said the Wabbit.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
4. The Wabbit's use of Intelligence
They had only turned away for an instant but when they looked
back, the scene was alive with Lapinette’s personal guard. The War Game looked
over until Khargoosh and Lepus saw an impassive Wabbit make a discreet signal to someone
down below. Lepus looked hard. "There’s a funny looking one down there Commander," he said, "and to tell you the truth, she looks a bit like you." "No-one can have two genders and be in two places at
once," said a shocked Khargoosh. "I did heard
rumours," said Lepus doubtfully. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "Those who do not employ spies," he smiled, "are
unable to gain advantage in the Situation." "What is our Situation, Commander?" asked
Lepus. "Hopelessly outnumbered," said the Wabbit, "but we won't throw ourselves against an impregnable enemy." "Then what’s the use of the spy?" queried Khargoosh. "We know exactly by how many we’re outnumbered," said
the Wabbit, "and my spy has led the Blues to think we are many - that is also to our advantage." The Wabbit paused for effect and flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his fur. "They expect us to creep after them and use our height advantage," he continued, "so we’ll go
down instead." "Won’t they trap us at the
lift?" asked Khargoosh. "Lifts are dull," said the Wabbit. "Besides, I know a fun secret staircase." "When you sweep the stairs, you start at the top," said Khargoosh. "So let's sweep," said Lepus. And off they hopped, making sweeping motions with their paws.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
3. The Wabbit takes the Lift
Acting on information received, the Wabbit and his
confederates took a lift up the tower of an old building to flush out any War Game insurgents.
They were just emerging when a flash of blue passed the open
window. "It’s the Blues!" cried Khargoosh, "they’re at two o’clock." "Got her in my sights," snarled Lepus as he tilted his weapon and let
fly with a beam of red training slime that smacked into the window frame near
Lapinette's head. Lapinette looked over her shoulder and winked, mouthed “missed”
and vanished down the outside of the building. The Wabbit stood still for a
minute, gingerly feeling the fur between his ears. "That was a little close, Bunny," he murmured. "It
nearly sullied my fur." "I’m a crack shot sir," said Lieutenant Lepus. "Where did
you train?" asked the Wabbit. "Festa dell'Unità," said Lepus. "I always win a cuddly toy at the shooting galleries." "Keep up
the good work Lepus, otherwise I’ll meet a fête worse than death," said the Wabbit, "and do mind my coat, it’s just back from the cleaners." "Right Sir," said Lepus, "now where’s she
gone?" "We'll look out on the territory and see what we can see," said the Wabbit, "they're might be others." "What if they spot us, Commander?" said Khargoosh. "You said we should expect the unexpected." "Good thinking, Bunnies," said the Wabbit, "let's fold down our ears and peer over the window ledge. The three carefully
folded their ears to the back and rested their jaws on the bricks. "What can you see Commander?" asked Khargoosh, "Well, I can see my house from here," said the Wabbit.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
2. The Wabbit and the first Skirmish
For their War Game scenario, the Wabbit drew the side of the government and Lapinette the insurgents. The Wabbit was far from pleased because he
would have liked to be an insurgent. But on the bright side, he did get to wear the red ears whilst Lapinette wore the blue. On reflection, he thought his small team looked most
fetching. "Let’s patrol the streets and roust the insurgents from their nests," said the Wabbit. So they set off looking in corners and behind vehicles, poking
things with the barrels of their snaser guns. They were just making their way
down a back street when the Wabbit caught sight of something in the road, “Careful
bunnies," said the Wabbit sharply, "watch out for that open manhole." Suddenly
there was a whoosh and blue smoke came spiralling from a grenade. "Take cover!" shouted the Wabbit and they all crouched against a wall, rubbing their streaming
eyes. "Oh, that stings," said Sergeant Khargoosh. "Did you see anything Commander?" asked Lieutenant Lepus. "I saw a flash of blue print frock," said the Wabbit. "How many do you think there are?" said Lepus. The Wabbit grimaced.. "Where Lapinette is
concerned, it only takes one." "Who are her close associates?" asked Khargoosh. "Well, me I suppose," said the Wabbit. "Then you know her better than anyone. What
should we expect?" said Lepus. "The
unexpected," said the Wabbit, "so come on you bunnies." And he hopped ahead glancing right and left.
Monday, August 13, 2012
1. The Wabbit hears a Proposal
Lapinette took the opportunity of her lift to speak
to the Wabbit about a plan. "Wabbit, what about a training day?" she asked and then waited to see what arguments the Wabbit
would use against her idea. "What a splendid idea Lap," he said with gusto. "Perhaps I can involve my special guard, the 400 Rabbits." Lapinette was puzzled
by the Wabbit’s enthusiasm but smiled nonetheless. "In that case, we can also use
my own elite guard and have a War Game." The Wabbit glanced cautiously at Lapinette. He had never heard of her elite guard, but he chose not to mention it. "Of course," he
said, "let’s make a week of it." Lapinette clapped her paws and pronounced it an excellent idea. The Wabbit knew he had reached the point where he could ask what this was all about. "Why at this precise juncture?" he asked. "We need to sharpen up," said Lapinette, "we need to be prepared." "Are you expecting something?" asked the Wabbit. "We must always expect the
unexpected," said Lapinette. The Wabbit pondered. "I can’t disagree," he said finally, thinking about his shambolic investigation of the Drinks Thief. "But how many are in your elite guard?" "In the Game,
that’s for me to know and you to find out," smiled Lapinette." I see," said the Wabbit, "so when do we start?" "No time like the present," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brought the jeep to a screeching halt. "No fraternising then," he said with a grin and he opened the door. "Lapinette hopped out then turned. "The loser pays
for big eats at Eataly," she shouted. "I
never think of losing," murmured the Wabbit. "It’s bad for my fur."
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
7. The Wabbit Entertains
"Wabbit’s Cola all round!" said the Wabbit who had repaired to
a very favourite caffè with which he had a convenient arrangement. The day was
hot and the street was noisy. But above the din the Wabbit heard a familiar voice
and turned to see Skratch bearing down on his table. "No, no Wabbit! They charge €3 for a Cola here!" Skratch yelled. "That’s because we’re
sitting down and they bring delicious food with our drinks," said the Wabbit with
an approving nod. "I don’t like coming here, they won’t let me pay," said
Wabsworth, "apparently my money’s no good here." The Wabbit grinned. "I’ll bet you
bring the money later and put it under the door." "I most certainly do," said Wabsworth, "how did you know?" "Lucky guess?" shrugged the Wabbit, winking at Skratch and turning back as Lapinette signalled everyone’s attention. "While I’m ordering Wabbit’s
Colas, you decide what kind of adventure that was," she said brightly. "OK," said the
Wabbit, "any suggestions?" "It could have been
a disaster movie, with all these cans zooming around," said Lapinette over her
shoulder. “Proceeding around," said the Wabbit. "They had purpose and direction," "Just like you?" smiled Lapinette. "Just like me!" beamed the Wabbit and they all
laughed and laughed and laughed.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
6. The Wabbit Reminded
By the light of the moon the friends patiently watched for any signs
of the Drink Thief. Skratch had rounded up Wabsworth on the way so he could
keep an eye on both him and the Wabbit. Then he hid behind a fence and they all waited. They
didn’t have to wait long. From the gardener’s hut behind the bushes came a tinny
clanging sound, as if someone had shaken a crate of Wabbit’s Cola. Then one by
one, Wabbit’s Cola cans came sailing across their astonished eyes. The cans didn’t shoot around in all directions but proceeded in an orderly way in a straight line, as if they were going
somewhere. Skratch jumped and pulled
down a can for examination. "Wabbit, this can has a small chip glowing in the
side," he said. The Wabbit slapped a paw
to his forehead. "I forgot the self distributing circuit," he exclaimed, "but it’s new and it's not activated yet." "You mean you programmed the cans to distribute themselves to
the shops?" queried Wabsworth. "More or
less." said the Wabbit. "More, by the look of things," said Skratch. "Then what about recycling," asked Wabsworth with an interested
expression. "That was my plan too," said the Wabbit, "the cans would take themselves
to the recycling bank immediately on the best before date." "You go too far Wabbit," said Skratch. "Too far too fast," added Wabsworth. " I know," said the Wabbit and he shook his head. "But Wabbit, who was the Cola drinker who looked like you?" asked Skratch. "That must have been me," said Wabsworth, "but I paid." "How much? said the Wabbit. "€1.50," said Wabsworth. "Disgraceful!" shouted the
Wabbit and he thought for a moment. "Where's my money?" he sighed.
Monday, August 06, 2012
5. The Wabbit sees Something Strange
The Wabbit was deep in thought as he passed the Automatic Food
Kiosk in Via Genova. But he glanced in and couldn’t believe his eyes. He found himself watching Skratch the Cat Burglar put money in a slot and lifting a can of Wabbit’s Cola from a vending machine. "Skratch,
that’s Wabbit’s Cola!" he yelled. "Very nice too, I must say," said Skratch. "It’s both tangy and refreshing with a hint of something special." Skratch opened the can, took a sip and stifled a little burp. "But it’s not on sale yet!" gasped the Wabbit. "I'm trying to find the thief that's stealing my supplies." "Your Cola's a little on the pricey side," ventured Skratch. "How much?" asked the Wabbit
curiously. "A euro," said Skratch with raised eyes. The Wabbit paused for a moment. There was something else. Something the Wabbit had ignored. He struggled to make the connection but something wasn't right. “I have a suspicion I might have something to do with this, Skratch," he
said. "You’re stealing your own Cola!" laughed Skratch. "Maybe I have selective
amnesia or been hypnotised," said the Wabbit, "but I can’t be in two places at once." Skratch hesitated because he knew the Wabbit well - and where the Wabbit was concerned, anything was possible. Skratch had a sudden thought. "What about your
android double?" he asked. The Wabbit shook his head. "Wabsworth would rather switch himself off than
steal Cola," he said firmly. "Well come with me and we’ll watch your
supplies and see what transpires," Skratch said calmly. "But first I'll have another can of that Cola." "I'll join you," said the Wabbit, and he searched in his fur for a coin.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
4. The Wabbit gets Closer
For a moment the Wabbit thought the caffè was deserted. But
he wheeled around and saw three Roman soldiers drinking Roman Cola. The Wabbit was
getting used to meeting his enemies and took the bull by the horns. "Good Servants of the Republic. What pray, are your names?" "I am Poobus," said one Roman, "I
am Bummus," said another. "And I am Smellius," said the third soldier. The Wabbit suppressed
a grin. "I am Wabbitus and I am employed by Provincial Governor Cuniculus. He implores all citizens to unmask and bring to justice, the Drink Thief." "Of what
drink do you speak?" said a soldier. "Wabbit’s Cola, future drink of the people," said
the Wabbit. "I prefer Roman Cola," said the soldier and the others shook their
heads at the thought of a different Cola from Roman Cola. "You’ll be honourably mentioned
at Senate," said the Wabbit with his paws crossed. "In that case I did see a
strange one with the Cola," said a Roman soldier. "Went to the same outfitter as
you by the looks of it," said another. "Made to measure," said another. “Really," said the Wabbit. "A snappy dresser! You have been most helpful." A soldier dug another in the ribs and
pointed at the Wabbit. "If you're such a Roman, Wabitus, then riddle me this," he chuckled. "OK," said the Wabbit. "When was Rome built?" asked the soldier. "At night," replied the Wabbit. The three soldiers looked at
him in puzzlement. "Well Rome wasn’t built
in the day," quipped the Wabbit and he hopped very quickly out.
Friday, August 03, 2012
3. The Wabbit gets a Lead
Undercover at the shopping centre, the Wabbit spotted more
of his enemies and he wondered why. But he was intent on his task. What
relevance did Ice Mice have for his quest to find the Drink Thief? Could they be
stealing his new invention, Wabbit’s Cola? The Wabbit decided to attract their attention. "Ice Mice, may I interest you in a Telepass?" he chortled chirpily. "No stopping for highway tolls. You can skip
the lines!" "Don’t care," said an Ice Mouse. "We usually do." "Then perhaps I can offer
you a deal for your delicious drinks," simpered the Wabbit. "What kind of a deal?" snarled an Ice Mouse. He turned and the Wabbit caught sight of his Cola. He could see it wasn't his, so he changed tactics. "Deals off," said the
Wabbit, "but what do you think of your Cola?" "Warm," said the the first Ice Mouse. "Insipid," said the second. "Have
you heard of Wabbit’s Cola?" asked the Wabbit cautiously. "I saw a can of that in a caffè round the corner," said an Ice Mouse. The Wabbit tried not to get excited. "Some Cola connoisseur
of course," he suggested." "It was just sitting on a table, but the wabbit logo put me off," scowled an
Ice Mouse. The Wabbit decided he would investigate this caffè but first he had
to disengage from the Ice Mice so he adopted a disinterested air. "What film did you watch?” he asked with a bored face. "Ice Station
Zebra," said an Ice Mouse and he studied
the Wabbit very closely ."You do look
familiar, what is your name?" he asked. "I operate on a first name basis," said
the Wabbit. "My first name is Commander."
Thursday, August 02, 2012
2. The Wabbit and the First Clue
The Wabbit hopped through the ancient exhibits on his way to the
palace exit. He was rather familiar with all the displays, so he paused immediately when he saw a discarded can of Wabbit’s
Cola, his new invention. A "clue!" cried the Wabbit and he searched deep in his fur
to pull out a magnifying glass worthy of Sherlock Holmes. He thought he could see a paw print on the
can but he didn’t recognise it so he peered closer. With his eyes so close to his magnifying
glass, the Wabbit caught sight of a familiar yellow reflection in the rim, but he
pretended not to notice. "What’s a lone Skuttle doing here?" he murmured to
himself. "I’m a clue," said the Skuttle. "I
don’t have time for Skuttles today," said the Wabbit. "I’m on a serious detective
mission." "I’m a clue." repeated the Skuttle. The Wabbit shook his head. "I am," insisted the Skuttle, "so what do I represent to you?" The Wabbit
thought of various things that couldn’t be mentioned in polite company. "You’re
stealing my Cola?" he ventured. "We hate Cola," said the Skuttle. The Wabbit pondered. "You like drinkin' wine," he said. "Spo-De-O-De!" sang the Skuttle triumphantly. "The thief is drinking the
Cola, so it’s not Skuttles," thought the Wabbit and immediately that thought came into his head, the Skuttle began to disappear. "When I’ve eliminated all that is impossible, then whatever remains is the truth," thought the Wabbit. "No matter how improbable," whispered the Skuttle and it vanished into thin air.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
1. The Wabbit and the Drink Thief
The Wabbit had for some time been working on a new drink to
rival his favourite Irn Bru. His secret project was well protected by a
friendly gardener, who tended the secluded garden of an old palace in the centre
of town. There, hidden in a shed for organic waste, the Wabbit kept a hoard of
his mysterious new drink. The drink had been a happy accident. The Wabbit liked
to sip from a straw but one day, he ran out. He could only find the aerosol
extension from his can of WD40 lubricating oil, so the Wabbit used that as a
straw and it imparted a strange and earthy flavour to his new drink. Gradually,
the Wabbit began to like it. Then his drink just didn’t taste right without a homeopathic dose of oil. All was going well until one sunny morning the Wabbit noticed
that cans were disappearing, because the Wabbit was always counting things and he knew immediately. It definitely wasn’t
the gardener because he didn’t like the Wabbit's new drink and had emphatically told him so on several occasions. So someone
or something unknown was helping themselves. "I’m going to find out who this purloiner is and unmask him or her or it," muttered the Wabbit. "Wabbit’s the name. Gumshoe’s the game," he murmured as he took a sip of Wabbit’s Cola. "But first I need a clue." The Wabbit looked all
round but he saw nothing that looked remotely like a clue. "I’m currently clueless," sighed the Wabbit.
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Wabbits in the Jazz Club Caffè
Back in Turin, the Wabbit propelled Lapinette into one of
his favourite haunts. He had asked the staff to be on the lookout for Romans
and a waiter had assured him that he always was. Reassured, the Wabbit sat down
to wait for a special cocktail of his own invention. "It’s taking ages," said Lapinette. "It has to be
precise," said the Wabbit. "What do you call it?" smiled Lapinette. "It’s called a Jazz
Wabbit," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette waited very patiently to hear about
the ingredients but the Wabbit took his time. "It’s just like a carrot aperitivo," he said finally,"but instead
of soda there’s Irn Bru." "But they won’t have any Irn Bru here," scoffed Lapinette. "I used to bring my own," smiled
the Wabbit, "and now I hear that lots of people have been asking for Jazz Wabbits." Lapinette shook her head. "It will sweep the land no doubt," she said and
she had a sudden vision of a bottle of Irn Bru in every fridge in Italy. "What
sort of adventure do you feel you had this time?" she asked suddenly. "It was a dream so it
doesn’t count," sighed the Wabbit. "It was a real dream," said Lapinette, "and in it was a
detailed film epic, within a fur meta-text." The Wabbit looked shrewdly at Lapinette. "Have you been raiding my cinema library?" he asked. "No, I've heard you talk and I just made that up," said Lapinette. "Then what did the film think, and who did it talk to?" asked the Wabbit. "A film can't think," said Lapinette. "You'd be surprised," said the Wabbit.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
9. The Wabbit Awakened
"Wake up Wabbit wake up!" The voice was
insistent and something was tugging on his ear. The Wabbit gradually forced his
eyes open. "What, who, where?" gasped the Wabbit. "You were
dreaming," said Lovely Lapinette, "and you wouldn’t come
to." "But it was so real," spluttered the Wabbit. "The 400
Rabbits captured the Romans, and you were in a most fetching
uniform." "It must have been the fur treatment," sighed Lapinette.
"How much did you put on?" "I splashed it on all over,"
said the Wabbit ruefully. "You’re supposed to use it sparingly," said Lapinette.
"We hadn’t heard from you. We were worried." "But I radioed for
help," said the Wabbit, "and no-one took me seriously."
"That was in your dream," sighed Lapinette.
"Oh," said the Wabbit and he thought for a moment. "But what
about the Romans?" he asked finally. "Dream," said Lapinette.
The Wabbit was tentative. "The 400 Rabbits?" "Dream,"
said Lapinette. "And your cute uniform?" ventured the
Wabbit. "In your dreams," smiled Lapinette. "Well you know
what Freud said," stated the Wabbit. "I expect your going to tell
me," said Lapinette. "Every dream is an unfulfilled wish,"
said the Wabbit. "You went on holiday for a rest but unconsciously you wanted
excitement," interpreted Lapinette. "OK I suppose," agreed
the Wabbit, "but what did you think of the film?" "I can’t
possibly know, it was your dream," replied Lapinette, and she waved
the fur treatment in front of his nose. "You can be in my dreams if I can
be in yours," said the Wabbit. "It’s a deal," said Lapinette.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
8. The Wabbit and the Silver Screen
In a single instant the Wabbit found himself looking down on
a massive outdoor cinema screen and he didn’t pause to think why. He knew
he was watching a film of his recent adventure, but he didn’t give that a
second thought. This was because the Wabbit was very keen on films and where cinemas were
concerned he knew exactly what he wanted. Normally he would have sat at the
front in the middle, because from that position he could assess whether the
projection was just right. It was his custom to look back sternly at the
projectionist in his box and then frown until the picture was correctly adjusted to
his satisfaction. But now, even from the very back, the Wabbit could see what
was required. "Projectionist, projectionist!" he cried, in as loud a
voice as he could muster. He thought he could hear a faint squeak from the
projection box so he carried on. "It’s a little out of focus, just a bit
soft," he yelled. The picture became crisper. "And it’s fuzzy at the
edges." The picture sharpened all round. "Slight tilt down at the
right," he called. The picture moved into position. "Are you certain
your projector is rock steady?" he demanded. "There’s a bit of jump
and weave." The picture lost its slight shake and became steady.
"Perfect," said the Wabbit and leaned forward to watch - until he
became aware of a familiar voice that wasn’t part of the film soundtrack. The
voice was coming from beside him and it was getting louder. "Wabbit?
Hello! Are you there? Wabbit!" ...
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
7. The Wabbit gets an Outcome
It happened with lighting speed. The 400 Rabbits charged
in a wedge that suddenly split and they quickly surrounded the Romans whose
formation was clumsily conceived. The 400 Rabbits packed in until the
Romans were penned like sheep while a reserve battalion of rabbits streamed over the
hill and down the slope to capture escapees. In what seemed like an instant it was all over and the Wabbit's lieutenants hopped
forward to take the surrender. A groaning and a moaning rose from the Romans, who were not used to losing battles against rabbits, and a cheer rose from the
4oo. "Good tactics, Commander Wabbit," said Lapinette. "Did you learn
that from Sun Tzu’s book of War?" "No," said the Wabbit and he
wiggled his ears. "I adapted it from an old episode of Star Trek." "What shall we do with them now," asked Lapinette. "We can’t keep dumping
enemies in the Sombrero Galaxy." The Wabbit turned to the 400. "What
shall we do with them?" he yelled. There was silence. Then the
400 turned their paws down as one. The Wabbit smiled. "Well, what happened
in Star Trek?" enquired Lapinette. "They let them go," said the
Wabbit. “And overcome with shame they melted away to trouble no-one
again." Lapinette looked sceptical. "I’m joking," said the
Wabbit. "Take them away!" he yelled to the 400, "and put them in
the Coliseum." Lapinette’s eyes shot in the air. "The tourists will
take care of them," explained the Wabbit. "That’s harsh," said
Lapinette.
Monday, July 23, 2012
6. The Wabbit Reinforced
The Wabbit tried very hard not to look surprised. Stretching
into the distance were the ranks of the Wabbit’s private guard, the 400
Rabbits. At the very front stood Lovely Lapinette and she held aloft a heavy
snaser gun as if it was a child’s toy. The Wabbit was about to ask her
what took her so long but decided to leave that for later in favour of oratory. He always pretended to dislike public speaking, but that never seemed to stop him when the opportunity presented.
And so he looked at his army. "What is your name?" he yelled.
"We are 400!" came the reply. "How many enemies do you
see?" asked the Wabbit. "Not that many!" The roar was
deafening. "What is the first position?" cried the Wabbit
suddenly. "No effort!" roared the 400 Rabbits. "And what is the
second?" shouted the Wabbit. "No error!" The sound of the 400 made a
wind that bent the trees. The Wabbit raised a paw and turned to Lapinette.
"You certainly took your time!" he hissed. "It made for a
dramatic entrance," whispered Lapinette with a glint in her eyes.
"The Wabbit knew that glint. "I like your new frock," he
quipped. "You noticed!" sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit winked and
turned back to the 400 Rabbits. He raised a paw and made a wavy sign and the 400 Rabbits rapidly assembled into a wedge. The Wabbit turned back to Lapinette and
growled loudly. "On my Command!" There was a deathly hush in the ranks and everything was still. The
Wabbit shrugged. "Unleash Hell!" he grinned.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
5. The Wabbit at the Circus Maximus
The Wabbit continued to glance behind him until he reached the
Circus Maximus, a location he knew like the back of his paw. The Wabbit always
visited the old Roman racing stadium when he was in town and he would hop round
the circuit pretending to be Ben Hur. But he was suddenly aware of a curious
and terrifying sight. Roman soldiers filled the stadium as far as his eyes could
see. The Wabbit’s fur stood on end and a chill ran all the way down his back
and straight to the end of his tail. For a moment he didn’t know what
to do. And when he didn’t know what to do, he started analysing things.
"It’s too few for a legion, too many for a cohort," he thought.
Several maniples perhaps," surmised the Wabbit. "And all infantry,
no equestrians." But the Wabbit knew that for all his analysing, there
was an awful lot of them and he was only one. A cry rose from the
soldiers. It was soft at first, barely a murmur. Then it grew loud and
threatening, "Mortem! Mortem! Mortem ad Cuniculum!" The cry
became deafening as the voice of the Romans swelled to fill the vast space.
"Mortem! Mortem! Mortem!" they shouted as one. "I don’t like the
way is going," thought the Wabbit," who planned to carry on living. "Stultus Lepus! Stultus, stultus, stultus!" shouted a row of soldiers. "Oh
that’s it," muttered the Wabbit. "I’ve had quite enough of this." He bared
all of his 28 teeth and hunched head down. "Age quod agis" yelled the Wabbit as he hopped forward to meet the enemy.
But above the roar of the Romans he heard strange sounds from behind him -
and so he chanced a quick glance over his shoulder ...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
4. The Wabbit and the Emergency Call
The Wabbit loped through the city keeping one eye on the
Roman soldiers whose numbers appeared to be increasing. The Wabbit knew the
city well, but not as well as the Romans and he couldn’t shake them no matter
how many twists and turns he took. So when he got to Largo Argentina, he delved
deep in his fur for something he had almost forgotten he had with him. His
walkie-talkie was directly connected with Wabbit Command and he had been
expressly forbidden to take it on vacation far less use it. The Wabbit deemed
this an emergency so he pressed a button and hissed "Wabbit Command, Wabbit
Command. SOS." The radio crackled alarmingly. "Are you enjoying your holiday, Commander?" said a voice. "I’m being tailed, send
help," whispered the Wabbit. "Yes. Yes Sir. We were warned to expect a
call like this and you’re on holiday Sir," said the irritatingly soothing
voice. "Look, this is not a joke, send assistance," hissed the
Wabbit. "What’s that Sir?" came a calm reply. "This
is not, repeat not a joke," hissed the Wabbit. "It’s the Romans. Send reinforcements."
"How much Sir?" asked the voice. "Aaaagh!" shouted the
Wabbit. "Send reinforcements, they’re going to advance." "Got it
Sir," the voice replied. "Send four euro, you’re going to a
dance." "Grrr," growled the Wabbit. "Glad to hear you’re
enjoying your vacation, Sir," said the voice and the radio went dead.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
3. The Wabbit & the Roman Invasion
The Wabbit hopped leisurely through the portico of St Paul
Outside-the-Walls and, as was his way, felt quite at ease in the imposing
structure. But as he hopped he became aware of someone or something watching
him. Now the Wabbit’s predisposition for paranoia was well known, but as time
passed, he had developed a working relationship and was on rather good terms with the phenomenon. So at first he
just twitched his ears and glanced up at the roof and looked around and about.
He knew that mosaics could play tricks with the eyes, so he clutched his fur
remedy firmly and took in the scene. The Wabbit liked to count the Basilica’s
150 columns as he hopped because he found it soothing - and he was
supposed to be on a relaxing holiday so he did exactly that. But suddenly his
fur started to prickle. He had miscounted and that never ever happened. The
Wabbit turned his head to see a flash of red and a figure vanishing behind a
pillar. "Romans!" thought the Wabbit. The Wabbit was tolerant enough
of Romans but this looked like trouble. Certainly he recalled their record with
Paul was mixed to say the least. He also knew that Roman soldiers had
weapons, which they called "throwables", and he had no intention of getting in
their way. He grasped his box closer to his chest. "They’re not getting my
fur lotion," thought the Wabbit.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
2. The Wabbit tends to his Fur
The Wabbit was beginning to enjoy his vacation and decided
he needed pampering. So he hopped out of his sanctuary and made his way across the city
to a homeopathic pharmacy he knew. It was tucked away in a corner of the
Basilica of St Paul Outside-the-Walls and hardly anyone knew it was
there. Many visitors came and many visitors went and they all stopped to
pay their respects at the tomb of St Paul. But mostly they passed by the little
pharmacy without noticing its existence. If the Wabbit knew anything, he knew
one thing. He knew that for rabbit fur improvement it was the only place
to go in Rome and he went there directly and without deviation. He took
bus number 23, got off at Via Ostiense and hopped straight in a little side
entrance hidden in the massive wall of the Basilica. It was very quiet as usual
and the Wabbit took his time looking all around the pleasant pharmacy. He
inspected this and poked that and took things from shelves and looked inside
things. Eventually he decided on a fur treatment that was right for rabbits and
selected an unassuming white box. It was a little on the expensive side,
but because of the special international status of the Basilica he was allowed a
diplomatic discount. The Wabbit went to the counter and produced his papers but
the shop assistant waved them aside. "Welcome to Rome, Commander Wabbit,
are you enjoying your stay?" "I’m having a good fur day!"
grinned the Wabbit.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
1. The Wabbit gets holiday Instructions
It had been a long journey and the Wabbit was rather tired. He
had checked in at special hotel run by members of an Order sympathetic to the
aspirations of rabbits and he had even received a special rabbit discount. So leaving
his small bag for the porter, he hopped through the cloisters. The Wabbit felt a sense of peace descend on his fur. The
last mission had, for some reason, left him exhausted so the Wabbit looked forward to a fortnight of complete rest.
Lovely Lapinette had been most specific on this matter. "Definitely no adventures!" she had instructed. "Check," the Wabbit remembered
replying. "And no thinking of adventures," she
had added with a raised paw. "Check!" The Wabbit
had responded with vigour. "No carrying adventure paraphernalia in your fur!" Lapinette had prodded him in the ribs and as
the Wabbit said "Check," several items had fallen on the ground, including an
automatic, a screwdriver kit, a roll of duct tape and a small emergency coffee
pot. The Wabbit recalled Lapinette saying, "You can hang on to the coffee pot," and he felt under his fur to make sure it was still there. "A holiday is not an
excuse to be stressed!" Lapinette had hopped up and down waving her paws
around. "And you’re not allowed to have a watch!" The Wabbit grinned because he
knew there were so many clocks in the street that he didn’t need one. "Checkedy
check check check," he had cried and loped off.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
8.The Wabbit speaks to the Rabbit Goddess in the Moon
The Big Red Train zoomed along and day turned into night. The Wabbit tucked his puzzle magazine in the seat in front and looked up at the moon. Sometimes he fancied he could really see the Rabbit Goddess in the moon. So he stared and stared and the more he stared, the more she took shape. The Wabbit wasn’t particularly religious, but he was spiritual and if Goddesses spoke to him he was inclined to speak back. This time he chose to speak first. "What’s it all about, Goddess?" he murmured. Although there was no reply, the Wabbit felt the Moon Goddess was waiting. So he waited too and as he waited he started thinking. Then he did something he sometimes did when the situation demanded. He thought about everyone he had ever known. With some he was still in everyday contact and a few of those he considered his friends. Some were long out of touch and he hadn’t the slightest clue what had happened to them. But an increasing number had permanently departed and could never ever return. It was the last group that puzzled the Wabbit and the more he puzzled the harder it became to find an answer. "I know there’s an answer to every puzzle," thought the Wabbit and he instinctively reached for his puzzle book to look at the back and find out. But neither the question nor the answer was in the book. "Wabbit!" The Wabbit heard a soft voice and turned to look up at the moon. "For some puzzles there is no answer," said the Rabbit Goddess.
Monday, July 09, 2012
7. The Wabbit tries Again
The Wabbit resumed his vacation but refused to take the bus.
"I’ll take the Big Red Train" he said to himself and he picked out a
seat, paid his fare and propelled himself along the platform. It wasn’t that
the Wabbit didn’t like having vacations. He just knew that something always
happened and he would have to work. He hesitated to call this a busman’s
holiday for obvious reasons. The last time he went by bus it took him home and
then he had lots and lots to do. "I want to relax," thought the Wabbit.
"I want to read a puzzle magazine and figure things out." The Wabbit
especially liked complicated puzzles, where the reader had to think through a
location, making correct assumptions. It was like real life but without
ramifications. The Wabbit hoped his journey would be ramification free. So
he clutched his Settimana Enigmistica to his chest like a
talisman. As long as the puzzles stayed inside the magazine, he would have no
trouble. "OK," mused the Wabbit. "If you
drive the train from Rome to Turin, and 22 people get off at Milan and 2 get
in, then the train stops at Bologna and 7 get in and 2 hop off, then another 15 join the train when it stops at Florence, and then after 5 hours the train
stops in Rome, what’s the name of the driver?" The Wabbit knew
the answer so he giggled and hopped on the train.
Sunday, July 08, 2012
6. The Wabbit pays for Lunch
Because he had been forced to intervene in the careful plan
to get information from the Hit Rabit, it was incumbent upon the Wabbit to buy
lunch. So he chose a rather swishy venue that he thought might impress. And he
was absolutely right. Sensing his advantage, he decided to kick off the
discussion. "What was that for a sort of adventure?" he asked.
"I thought it was turning into a mini-series," laughed Lapinette.
"A mini series, that's just the job," said Wabsworth. "My data
banks indicate that a mini-series is overdue." "Not soapy
enough," smiled the Wabbit. "No melodrama!" "I thought it
was a buddy movie," said Lapinette, "in which the female was
relegated to the background." "What will you have to eat?" asked
the Wabbit, quickly handing Lapinette the menu without prices. "Artichoke
roulade," said Lapinette with a smirk. The Wabbit mentally kissed goodbye
to a week's wages but felt it worthwhile. "We've been getting letters
from the Sombrero Galaxy," said Lapinette. "Oh really?" said the
Wabbit. "It's just a scam. Pay no attention." "I expect
they're fed up with new people that don't pay their fares," said
Wabsworth. "They need to be more tolerant of outsiders," smirked the
Wabbit. "Perhaps we can interest them in bio-diversity."
"Bio-diversity is old hat," said Wabsworth. "The notion of the umbrella species has quite put paid to all that tosh." "An umbrella
species like us rabbits!" laughed Lapinette. "I prefer
flagship species," said the Wabbit.
Friday, July 06, 2012
5. The Wabbit and the Unpaid Fare
Wabsworth hit
the red button and hopped back. There was a rumbling and the lift shot up and
straight through the roof of the station. "Our cue to leave," said
the Wabbit and together they loped up the stairs and down the Via Nizza. "Where’s
it going?" shouted Wabsworth. "No need to worry," said the
Wabbit. "I want to know," said Wabsworth. "The Sombrero
Galaxy," said the Wabbit. "Quantum the Time Travelling Train is
waiting to pick him up and deliver him to a suitably hostile planet."
"How hostile?" asked Wabsworth. "You ask too many
questions for an android," said the Wabbit. "Well what about the
station roof?" asked Wabsworth. "The Department will send a
cleanup squad. It’ll be fixed by morning." said the Wabbit. "So it’s
all settled then," grinned Wabsworth and he dusted his paws.
"Except for one small matter," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth looked
questioningly. "The small matter of the Hit Rabit's unpaid
fare," smiled the Wabbit. Wabsworth growled a growl that came
from somewhere deep inside. "Well someone has to pay it." said the
Wabbit. "It was on our shift so it will have to come from your
stipend." "I have a stipend?" asked Wabsworth. "We all
do," said the Wabbit. "And I have to pay his fare," groaned Wabsworth.
"It’s only one euro, 50 cent," said the Wabbit. "So how far is
the Sombrero Galaxy?" asked Wabsworth. "It’s approximately 30 million
light years away," replied the Wabbit. “I’ll get him," said Wabsworth.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
4. The Wabbit & the Hit Rabit in the Lift
The Wabbit and Wabsworth raced down to the platforms and
dodged inside a lift pursued by the Hit Rabit. But when he followed they
pressed the up button, dodged out again and sped up the stairs to meet the Hit
Rabit at the top. The Hit Rabit froze rigid at the back of the lift as the
doors opened. "Where’s his weapon?" shouted Wabsworth. The Wabbit grinned a sinister grin. "Inside him," he said quietly.
Wabsworth looked puzzled. "Liquid explosive. He’s a Kamikaze Rabit,"
said the Wabbit. "And please don’t speak too loud. It might set him
off." Wabsworth realised why he didn't detect a weapon and he was
most annoyed. "Why he is waiting for goodness sake?" asked Wabsworth
in an upset tone. "Things haven’t gone to plan for him either," said
the Wabbit. "He’s waiting for instructions from a remote source." "We
can’t stand here waiting for him to receive instructions," said
Wabsworth and he turned to face the frozen Rabit. “Give us information," he
said in a soft but menacing voice. But there was no reply. "Be
soon!" urged Wabsworth. The Hit Rabit remained silent. Wabsworth
turned to the Wabbit. "What does that red button do?" he asked.
"Press it and see," said the Wabbit. "It wasn’t there
before," said Wabsworth. "I put it there," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth
looked with horror. "Do what’s needed," said the Wabbit. "I
cannot," said Wabsworth. "He was trying to damage you," said the Wabbit. "All the same ..." said Wabsworth and
his voice trailed off. "He didn’t pay his fare," shrugged the Wabbit. Wabsworth
grimaced. "OK then," he said and he lifted his paw ...
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
3. The Wabbit and the Change of Plan
Wabsworth the Wabbit’s android double liked the Metro. He had already pressed three buttons and as he pushed his ticket through the machine it made a satisfying sound. So he hopped on the escalator and let his sensitive ears measure how far behind him his follower was. "I’ll bet the Hit Rabit doesn’t have a valid ticket," thought Wabsworth and he sneered an enormous sneer at such deceit. He so enjoyed the Metro and was just giving himself an electronic pat on the back when something stopped him in his tracks. Wabsworth was aghast. "Oh no, the plan’s gone wrong!" he thought as he saw the Wabbit coming up the stairs towards him. But the Wabbit signalled to him, put a paw to his lips, did several things with his head and winked. Wabsworth hadn’t a clue what the Wabbit meant so he processed this data again. "Wink means a trick and I’m supposed to know," he thought. The Wabbit smiled and nodded his head and flipped his ears. Wabsworth winked and continued to think. "One jerk up means he knows that Hit Rabit is there," he reasoned. "And a jerk down means carry on down the escalators." So Wabsworth started to hop faster and the Wabbit turned and began to lope down the stairs with enormous speed. Wabsworth didn’t think the Hit Rabit had seen the Wabbit, because his follower had been too busy avoiding his fare. So Wabsworth smiled to himself and thought of a private revenge on the Hit Rabit. "We’ll make him pay double for this affront," he murmured.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
2. Wabsworth thinks like the Wabbit
Wabsworth the Wabbit’s android double made it to the Metro
without incident and the Hit Rabit followed. "No problems so far,"
said Wabsworth to himself. "All is going according to plan." But Via Nizza at the railway station end was fur-raising enough on its own and
as Wabsworth hopped past signs of urban change that were not in his data banks,
he postponed his plan to nod amicably to passers-by. "I need to
update the Wabbit on socio-economic matters," he thought. But the big
Metro logo was both welcoming and reassuring and Wabsworth paused at the top of
the steps to make sure the Hit Rabit knew exactly where he was going. He
wondered what kind of weapon the Hit Rabit used, because he his sensors didn’t
indicate anything at all and he found that slightly creepy. "Perhaps he’s
going to hypnotise me with his menacing eyes," thought Wabsworth and then
he giggled, because he was an android and he couldn’t possibly be hypnotised.
Wabsworth found it difficult to acknowledge that he wasn’t
really the Wabbit. In most respects he felt like the Wabbit and was therefore
drawn to do the things the Wabbit would do. This made him want to break the
rules. Left to his own devices, he would have preferred to hide behind
something, then kick the Hit Rabit onto the railway track as he went past and
shout something rude. But he thought better of it, rummaged in his fur for his
weekly ticket and hopped on down the steps. "This would be the wrong day
to meet a ticket inspector," he thought.
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