8. The Wabbit and the Inside Out

Wabsworth linked paws with the Wabbit and they both chanted. "Nissa nissa nissa nissa." They were relentless. The Shaman collapsed on the station floor and deflated like a bag of old breath. Then something moved inside the cloak as if it was trying to get out. "Chant Wabsworth, chant!" yelled the Wabbit. "Nanna hey, nanna hey, nanna hey ho," chanted Wabsworth and they both hopped from one foot to another. The figure was small but grew every second as the Wabbit and Wabsworth danced round in a never ending circle. Now they could see who the figure was. "Get me out of here! On the double!" yelled Lapinette in a squeaky voice. The Wabbit pulled Wabworth's paw and they went round again. "Etlay erhay ogay! Etlay erhay ogay " Lapinette spun through the air - along with a hat, an assortment of batteries and an impatience at bursting point. "I'll take him apart at the seams!" She landed with a wallop that was far from graceful and turned to look at the remnants of the Shaman. The Wabbit shrugged. So did Wabsworth. "Is she full size now?" whispered Wabsworth. "I never answer questions about size," murmured the Wabbit. Lapinette shook a paw at the costume but the Wabbit looked very suspicious. "Are there any more in there?"   "I heard voices," said Lapinette. Wabsworth gazed enquiringly and Lapinette grinned. "Sounded like the Swingle Singers." The Wabbit's eyes suddenly twinkled. "Let's leave them ..."

7. The Wabbit Chants Down

They reached the comparative safety of the concourse, but the Shaman started to yell. "Now! Give me the antimatter, Wabbit, I know you have it." Wabsworth could only watch. The Wabbit turned, raised raised both paws and chanted. "Nissa nissa nissa nissa." The air cracked with a dreadful roar and from it issued seven demonic wabbits. The Shaman stumbled as they swooped. "Nissa nissa nissa," chanted the Wabbit. The seven circled and dived and the Shaman swiped aimlessly. "I'm not afraid of rabbits!" The station lights dimmed as he tried to draw power - but the seven were merciless and swift. He shrieked as pieces of costume flew from his cloak and he cursed the Wabbit nine times with all his might. "May your paws dissolve!" The Wabbit lowered his paws slowly and spread them wide. "Nissa Gy We Oh," The Shaman's sigh was like a death rattle. Wabsworth watched closely for it looked as if the Shaman was being torn from the inside. The Wabbit raised his paws again. "I command you to obey." The Shaman made one more attempt to break free from the seven, but his stomach sank and his head sagged by such a degree that it threatened to dislodge completely. "Enough," grunted the Shaman in surrender. "Release the soul within," said the Wabbit ...

[Seneca nation chant.  Nissa: moon.  Gy We Oh: Blessed be.  

"May your paws dissolve" is a freely adapted curse from a Roman inscription - Archaological Museum, Bologna]

6. The Wabbit and the Ghost Train

The power failed to return. So Wabsworth, posing as Conductor, led them through the Tunnel. The Shaman's eyes became searchlights and the Wabbit pulled an old torch from his fur. "Everything is locked down," said Wabsworth, "but we should get out along the tracks." They made good headway for a while, then without warning the Shaman began to vibrate and he chanted. "By the prickling of my nose, some kind of current this way flows." The Wabbit could smell it too and he looked back. "It's a train." Wabsworth looked at his watch. "It can't possibly be a train, it's not on the timetable." "And there's a power outage," said the Wabbit. "So it must be a ghost train," said the Shaman. "Do ghosts have a timetable?" asked the Wabbit. "No," said Wabsworth, "they only run a skeleton service." At that moment, the Wabbit realised Wabsworth was making everything up as he went along, just like the old game they used to play on lengthy stakeouts. But the train was real enough. He could hear metal on metal and he shivered as it rounded the curve and headed towards them. "Make for the emergency stairs," yelled the Wabbit. It was too late. They were rooted to the spot, all except for the Shaman. He wheeled and danced and made strange sounds that were the screech and squeal of brakes with a hiss on the end. With a tungsten blur the ghost train passed straight though them ...  

5. The Wabbit and the Rail Conductor

"Attention passengers! Attention passengers!" Wabsworth strode along the platform with all the authority of a rabbit with an official hat. "We're getting that power back for you now." The Wabbit smiled to himself. "What happened, Conductor?" "Nothing much," said Wabsworth. "The train in front of the train in the middle caused an overload on the train at the back." Will we be long?" asked the Shaman. "Indefinite I'm afraid," said Wabsworth. "But whatever you do, don't leave the train." "We're not on the train," said the Shaman. "The train must have left you then," scowled Wabsworth, "but perhaps I can offer you a light refreshment while you wait?" The Shaman showed the first signs of amiability. "I'll have an aperitiv ..." He changed his mind with lightning speed. "Ayahuasca Bitters." Wabsworth turned to the Wabbit. "And you, Sir?" "Ginger and Carrot Cocktail," replied the Wabbit. "I'll fix them now," said Wabsworth. "Wait here, passengers. But whatever you do - don't get on the first train." "Why?" asked the Shaman. "Because it's late," said Wabsworth. "The train you require is the train that follows - that's the Antimatter Flier, change at Lepton for Quantum Spin." "Quantum Spin?" queried the Shaman. The Wabbit grinned. "It's the site of the Large Shed Collider!" Now the Shaman became impatient. "Conductor. The Antimatter Flier. How long?" "Oh, it's about 70 metres," shrugged Wabsworth.
[Ayahuasca: Amazonian psychoactive brew consumed for revelatory and divinitory purposes.]

4. The Wabbit and the Moonlit Subway

The Wabbit turned on his heel, then closely followed by the Shaman, he hopped down to the Metro. Wabsworth waited, then followed too. Something was afoot, because the Metro lamps owed more to moonlight than electricity. "The Wabbit appears unconcerned," thought Wabsworth, "so what would I do in his place?" His thoughts were interrupted as the Shaman's voice boomed through the station. "Is this your shed?" "This is my subway to my shed," replied the Wabbit. "Ah," said the Shaman, "the words of the Wabbit are written in the subway halls." "They almost certainly are," smiled the Wabbit,  "no one dare remove them." "Take me to your shed!" yelled the Shaman. "Get me the antimatter!" "What colour would like?" chirped the Wabbit. The Shaman was dangerously angry. "What colours have you got?" "I have black, white or no colour at all," said the Wabbit. Now Wabsworth grinned since he knew the Wabbit was making things up as he went along. It was a game they played on long surveillance shifts, the winner being the one who could first anticipate a likely ending. So he knew what to do. Wabsworth quickly dismantled a power access cover and as the Wabbit lifted a paw, all the lights dimmed. "Was that you?" asked the Shaman. The Wabbit shook his head. "Just a bit of dirty power. We'd better grab a conductor ..."

3. The Wabbit & the Shaman's Desire

Night kicked in like a hammer, but the Shaman stayed behind the Wabbit and Wabsworth tucked behind the Shaman. In the light of the Metro entrance, Wabsworth saw the Wabbit wheel and gesture to the Shaman. He heard the Wabbit speak in a stern voice he had never heard before. "Please, after you." Flashes of blue lightning connected the Shaman with the Metro sign. "You are the Wabbit that knows everything!" The Wabbit grinned and 28 teeth flashed menacingly. "Aw shucks." The Shaman started backwards. "No-one ever says that." "I heard it in a film," shrugged the Wabbit. They stared at each other but the Shaman broke the silence. "An animal guide appeared to me in a Vision Quest. It implied that you were the one." "The one what?" asked the Wabbit. "The one," breathed the Shaman, "who keeps antimatter in his fur." The Wabbit rocked on his hind legs. "For what purpose do you want this antimatter?" "Special effects," said the Shaman. The Wabbit smiled. " You're clearly a Shaman. Can't you do special effects on your own?" The Shaman shook his head. "I used to, but I quit." "Oh, everyone wants to be legit," said the Wabbit in a most sorrowful voice that Wabsworth knew was fake. The Shaman sighed. "I was legit, too legit. People want more." "But what if I can't help you?" mused the Wabbit. "Then I'll vapourise you," said the Shaman. "But you quit," said the Wabbit. "Maybe I quit too early," snarled the Shaman ...

2. The Wabbit & the Electric Shaman

All day long, Wabsworth trailed the Wabbit through the city. But just as he'd thought about giving up, something happened. A curious creature emerged from a side road and it was clear that he too was following the Wabbit. He wore an elaborate cloak of many colours and from it came blue flashes that lit the damp air. "A Shaman!" breathed Wabsworth. The Shaman mumbled something - and thinking it might be an incantation, Wabsworth drew close and listened. But this was no incantation; it was a list of technical equipment. "A Pulse Detonation Engine is essential," muttered the Shaman. "Without a Pulse Detonation Engine, I cannot proceed." The Wabbit strolled on and the Shaman set off again. "There he is," muttered the Shaman. "He has antimatter hidden in his fur and knows where to find the correct detonator." The Shaman's voice dropped and Wabsworth struggled to hear. "He knows everything," breathed the Shaman. Wabsworth paused. He knew that the Wabbit could find most things but he didn't have a source of antimatter to paw. "Maybe he has some in his shed," said Wabsworth to himself, but it came out too loud. The Shaman stopped dead because he was a real shaman and still had confidence in his powers. "My Inner Spirit Guide speaks of a shed." Now the Shaman pursued the Wabbit with vigour and Wabsworth scampered after them both. "I'd better look out for the Wabbit," he thought. "He might be in over his shed."

1. The Wabbit and the Smell of the Arc

The Department of Wabbit Affairs was under reconstruction and the Wabbit couldn't complain. It was he who had suggested the idea, after his fur became trapped between a filing cabinet and a crack in the plaster. When he met his android copy at the corner, he exhaled with force. "Wabsworth. Things aren't quite right." Wabsworth paused because he seldom thought anything was right. The fact that buildings were still present on a second visit was, for Wabsworth, a source of never ending amazement. "It will all be finished soon," he said, "and your office will be synergistically sustainable." The Wabbit frowned. He had requested a stained glass window - and although it would double as a solar panel that charged his walkie talkie, it had been the first budget cut. "I don't mean the building isn't right." He sniffed the air. "I keep smelling electricity." Wabsworth sniffed too. His circuits hummed a little and he could feel something blue. "Like arcing?" The Wabbit nodded and spoke on a whim. "Maybe it's magic." Wabsworth mused. "Arcing of the magical kind." "I'll track it down," grunted the Wabbit and he turned. "Need any assistance?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit smiled and shook his head. "I'll be fine thanks." Wabsworth watched him stroll away until he was almost out of sight. Then he followed him ...

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

Lapinette and the Wabbit were about to order, when Skratch appeared from around the corner. "Ask me the question!" yelled Skratch in a theatrical manner. "I am not afraid!" Lapinette seemed nonplussed. "Hello Skratch," she murmured vaguely "What kind of Adventure did we just have?" Skratch purred. "It was free-wheeling road movie kind of Trek, with a Scottish flavour and a Cold War vibe." The Wabbit was looking at something else. "Someone left a book behind." "What's it called?" asked Lapinette. The Stolen Life of a Cheerful Man, said the Wabbit. "Oh," said Lapinette. "That is intriguing." "I'd better take it to Lost Property," said the Wabbit. He grasped the book but suddenly Lapinette was reading it. "I'll take it myself," she said. The Wabbit took it back. "I'm afraid I spilled wine on it and it must go to the cleaners." Lapinette screwed up her eyes. "What if I'm in it?" The Wabbit smiled. "Then you'll be cleaned too." They tried to out stare each other for some time without success. A red paw grasped the volume away. "There's my book," said Skratch. "I knew it was here somewhere." The Wabbit was suspicious. "Who wrote it?" Skratch straightened to his full height. "It's signed to me by the author, Dimitris Politis himself." Lapinette turned. "How would you describe it then?" "Distinguished," shrugged Skratch.

13. The Wabbit and the Holy Snail

Flying overhead, the Fake Vote led them to the Holy Snail - and it was exactly where they started. The MoTo Snails thought themselves very punk indeed, but for once they were lost for words. "Your Holiness," stammered Mo. The Holy Snail shimmered in the strange light. "Did you bring me any cardboard?" he murmured. "Please approach and I will bless it and eat it." The Wabbit knew Mo and To had eaten all the cardboard. But secretly he had stashed a small piece in his fur because it had a strange shape. He passed it to To then called up to the Fake Vote. "Can you explain something?" The Vote shook his wings and swooped round the Old Abandoned Tower. "What about the Warplane?" yelled the Wabbit. The Vote shook his nose. "What plane?" The Wabbit sighed because he knew what was coming and he shouted, "It dropped the ballot boxes on the railroad and you were in one." "I'm afraid I was in the dark at the time," said the Vote. "Then we're both in the dark about that one," said the Wabbit, "but was it an enemy or a friend?" "Hard to tell sometimes," said Lapinette for the second time that trip. The Holy Snail interrupted. "When something sinister means to be your enemy, it starts by being your friend." Silence fell and the hum of the nearby underpass seemed to get louder. Mo and To spoke sadly. "Our Quest is over." The Wabbit shook his head thoughtfully. "No Quest is ever over."

12. The Wabbit's Ballot Denouement

They watched the last butterfly head out, but when they turned back, the Spieler and his stall had vanished. In its place was a tower and a generous supply of cardboard. "Yummety yum," said Mo as they feasted. "We will take some of the Cardboard City back," said To with a burp and he tried to eat it all. "When you're quite finished," said a voice. The Fake Vote had changed too. He stared directly at the Wabbit and rocked his stylish wings. The Wabbit narrowed his eyes. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" The Fake Vote lifted its nose. "Did you ever fly AeroFlotsy?" "I recall the sandwiches," nodded the Wabbit gravely. His nose twitched at the thought of food and he was about to mention he could smell chocolate - but the Fake Vote sounded slightly irritable. "I had the devil's own job getting you here." Lapinette waved from Mo's back. "You weren't chasing us?" The Wabbit laughed carefully. "You were directing us, not pursuing us." "It was my job," said the Fake Vote. "I was supposed to make sure the vote was fair, but I got sealed in a box of fake votes and put in a Jeep with the real ones." "Go on," said the Wabbit. "The ballot boxes were to be substituted and the fake votes taken to the count," said the Fake Vote. "But the jeep went over a cliff and all the votes with it." "And you," said the Wabbit. "And me," smiled the Fake Vote ruefully. "Anyway you rescued me, so perhaps there's some way I can help you." The Wabbit glanced at Mo and To. "We seek the Holy Snail."

11. The Wabbit and the Blue Butterflies

The Wabbit scattered the ballot boxes and they burst open. For an instant he was lost in the beating of gossamer-thin wings - but it was only for the smallest fraction of time and space. Butterflies poured from the ballot boxes, surrounded him and soared into the sky. The Wabbit's eyes glistened. He raised a paw and murmured something as he waved to the butterflies. "Stay with me, do not take thy flight." Lapinette could just hear his words and completed the verse. "A little longer stay in sight." The MoTo Snails let out a cheer that could be heard for miles. Even the Fake Vote briefly abandoned savaging his captive to watch the astonishing display. One of the butterflies settled between the Wabbit's ears and its grip was just as sharp as the Fake Vote's talons. "Thank you, Commander. "We're in your debt." The Wabbit shook his head. " No, it is I who is indebted to you." "Call it mutual?" suggested the Butterfly. The Wabbit nodded and gestured towards the Fake Vote. "What about him?" The Butterfly made a strange shrugging motion with its wings. "I've never seen him before. Is he with you?" The Wabbit shook his head but suddenly changed his mind and shook it the other way. He stared at the Spieler, who's skeleton frame was rather the worse for wear. Then he stared at the Fake Vote. "I suppose," frowned the Wabbit, "that he must be."
[To a Butterfly: William Wordsworth]

10. The Wabbit and the Sale of Votes

The Wabbit and Lapinette took cover inside the Cardboard City and for a while they seemed to lose the Fake Vote. But barking cries drew their attention, so they dismounted and approached with caution. The MoTo Snails nudged each other. "It's a spieler," said Mo. "and he's hammering the stock," agreed To.  Mo looked around carefully. "I don't see no lurkers." To nodded and spoke quietly to Lapinette. "He's a fast guy, hang onto your cash." The Trader was getting into his stride and he threw his arms wide.  "Special price for a special lady!" Lapinette's eyes moved imperceptibly. "Can the lip and tell me what you got." At this point, the Wabbit took his cue and slid round the back to look at the merchandise. The Spieler picked up a box. "I got votes, any kind you like," Lapinette looked unimpressed. "They're all transferable." Lapinette narrowed her eyes and the Spieler continued. "I transfer votes to you. You transfer cash to me." The Wabbit poked around everywhere and heard something odd from inside a box. "Help, get us out." The Spieler turned. "Don't talk to the goods." The Wabbit spoke sharply. "The goods are hot." "They don't call me Honesty Bones for nothing," said the Spieler sharply. "My votes are as good as new, used once only." The Wabbit looked up. "You're nailed, buster - and your goods are seized." "Naw, naw, naw. " The Fake Vote swooped down from the rooftop and gripped the Spieler's neckbone ...
[Spieler: fast talking trader who attracts customers with "patter". Lurker: A trader that hangs on the edges of a market stall.]

9. The Wabbit in the Cardboard City

The Wabbit gasped. He remembered the MoTo Snails speaking of a Cardboard City and what a Cardboard City this was! All the same, this was a Quest and anything could occur. So he drew a Snazer gun from the secret compartment he'd designed specially for To. "Expecting to find trouble Commander?" asked Mo. The Wabbit grinned and every one of his 28 teeth gleamed in the light. "No. I expect trouble to find me." To glanced across the entirety of the city. "I don't like coloured cardboard." "It tastes of toxic," said Mo, "but I see plain cardboard over there." "Yum yum," said To. The Wabbit shook his head. "It may be an enemy playing a trick." "I hate enemies," said Mo. To snarled. "And the enemies of our enemies are dumpling heads." Lapinette nodded in agreement. "Let's look over there." "What for?" asked Mo. "I don't know," smiled Lapinette, "it's your Quest." Mo and To looked at each other and shook their antennae. "We seek the Holy Snail." Lapinette tried not to laugh, but the Wabbit simply said "There is none." Mo and To drew back. "What? No Holy Snail, you say?" The Wabbit held up a paw. "I mean the Quest is more important than the objective." The conversation stopped as staccato calls shattered the air. "Listen!" whispered the Wabbit. There it was again. "Naw, Naw, Naw." "Take cover in the cardboard!" yelled the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit & the Thinness of Space

"Goin' up" yelled Mo. "Second floor, third floor, fourth floor," shouted To. "Perfumery, stationery, wigs and haberdashery," yelled Mo. "Rooftop restaurant and restrooms," shouted Mo. The Wabbit made a wry face. His snail modifications were no longer secret and he knew very well his project was far from complete. Lapinette sighed because she knew the Wabbit always programmed jokes into a retrofit. "Wabbit!" Her voice didn't carry in the rarefied atmosphere and the Wabbit only hear "bit". So he made a guess. "Good bit of work, don't you think?" Lapinette grimaced. "Get us down Wabbit, before we freeze." "Your knees will be fine," shouted the Wabbit. "Just cling closer to Mo." "Can you hear flapping?" shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit looked pleased. "I'll leave the applause until later." "Flapping!" yelled Lapinette. This time the Wabbit turned. Talons extended, the Fake Vote hurtled from a corner of space with a banshee wail that cut through everything in its path. "It brought pals!" cried the Wabbit as he ducked. "Which floor, Sir?" asked Mo. "Basement!" yelled the Wabbit. "Goin' down!" yelled Mo. "DIY, key cutting and barbers' shop," shouted To. The fake votes hovered, swooped and lunged but the MoTo Snails were too fast. The Wabbit watched the curve of the earth flatten as they plummeted in free fall. "How do we stop?" shouted Lapinette. "Shop?" asked the Wabbit, "we can do that later."

7. The Wabbit flouts Track Rules

Mo and To shot round the track and quickly broke records for the next hundred years. The gale made the Wabbit's fur stick to his skin and Lapinette's ears were numb. But Mo and To were pitted in a test of endurance and a hundred laps passed in so many minutes. On Lap 150, the Wabbit leaned into a bend and felt a tickle in his ear. Lapinette did too and ignored it but the Wabbit couldn't. He fidgeted and glanced behind. Nothing. Yet there it was again. This time it wasn't a tickle - it was more like a bite. The Wabbit tried to look up but fierce talons raked his fur and sliced at his head. The Wabbit let fly a stream of expletives that would have frightened wrestling champions, had any been in a position to hear. To heard though, so he laughed and stored up the words for future use. In that instant, Mo and Lapinette drew ahead and now it was Lapinette's turn to suffer razor claws swiping her ears. "Faster!" yelled the Wabbit. "It's the Fake Vote." He gritted his teeth as Mo and To throttled up but the Vote was in their slipstream and it swooped and raked and sliced. The Wabbit had no option. "Mach 20!" The wind caught his words and passed them to Lapinette. "It's against the rules!" she yelled. The Wabbit clung to To and yelled back. "It's an exception!" "We hate rules," said To.  High up in the Tower, the race marshal saw the MoTo snails turn into two blue balls of energy and vanish. He flicked through his rule book. "Stop and Go Penalty," he muttered.

6. The Wabbit and the Standing Start

Mo and To whizzed round the track on a warm up lap and slithered to a halt on the grid. The Wabbit bent down. "To. Remember to deliver power to the track at all times." "No flying" murmured Lapinette to Mo. "No traction, no speed," said the Wabbit. "Stupid rules," grumbled Mo and To and they grinned at each other. Lapinette and the Wabbit felt Mo and To vibrate like tuning forks and heard a whine as the MoTo Snails powered up. The Wabbit's teeth rattled and he gripped To tightly. The wind from the sea was icy. He glanced at the sky for any sign of sun and suddenly pointed. "What's that?" "Oh," said Lapinette, "you always get birds at a race track. They're defending their territory." "Silly winged things," said To. The Wabbit was a little tense. "Well I wish they wouldn't swoop today, they have all week." That's not a bird," said Mo. "Its the fake vote from the ballot box." "The one that scratched me with its claws," growled the Wabbit. They were so busy watching the flying vote, they nearly missed the start. The Marshal with the red flag walked between them and was gone. They all stared at the lights. For a moment the flying vote landed on the gantry, fluttered and flew high into the air. At that instant the red lights went out. With two sonic booms. Mo and To vanished round the first corner. The wind tore at the Wabbit's fur, but from the corner of his eye he could still see the fake vote hanging like a bird of prey. "Why don't you fly south for the winter?" hissed the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit & the Pit Lane Incident

The Wabbit shouted "Mount up," like he'd seen in Westerns. Then Mo and To set off at a cracking pace along a cliff side path only to emerge at what seemed at first sight to be an aerodrome. But this was no aerodrome. With the ballot boxes and fake votes safely concealed in a cave, the Wabbit put his concerns on hold and grinned at the view. "Race track!" shouted Mo. "Speed Trials!" yelled To. A hollow voice boomed from the Tannoy system and echoed down Pit Lane. "Late registrations for the MoTo snails have been authorised by the Chief Track Marshal." The voice continued with technical details at enormous length until the Wabbit could take no more. He bent down and spoke quietly. "Is this part of your Quest?" Mo and To waved their antennae. "Yes, it's a test and a trial," said Mo. "Speed, endurance and technique," uttered To. The Wabbit nodded gravely, but something was scratching at his back and he didn't want to start a race with discomfort. "What? Get off! Grrr." "Look!" said Lapinette. She pointed at a rogue ballot paper that appeared to have stuck to the Wabbit's back. Suddenly the Wabbit felt sharp claws detach from his fur and he looked round as the fake vote floated into the air. The Tannoy system boomed suddenly. "Mo, To, Lovely Lapinette and The Wabbit to the starting grid." "The floating vote will have to wait," sighed the Wabbit, "but where on earth is it going?" The MoTo Snails' shells hummed softly and the snails started to move. "How is that done?" murmured Lapinette. "Superconducting quantum solid state technology," replied To. Lapinette smiled. "Any instructions?" "Stay cool," laughed To.

4. The Wabbit and the Fake Votes

The Wabbit and Lapinette hauled the ballot boxes to a secluded cove nearby and there they opened them. "What shall we do?" asked Lapinette. "We should count the votes," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette nodded - because she knew the Wabbit was inclined to excessive formality. As the Wabbit counted, he examined each ballot paper and made piles as he'd seen in election counts. A breeze sprang up and Lapinette pursued papers that drifted across the beach. "They all say 'No'", murmured the Wabbit. "Did you spot any votes for 'Yes'?". Lapinette shook her head. "Can we eat them?" called Mo, who had a snail's liking for cardboard. "I don't suppose it matters," said the Wabbit. Mo and To nibbled the ballot papers and snorted. "They taste awful." The Wabbit scrutinised bar codes and frowned. Then he sniffed a ballot paper and wrinkled his nose. "There's something strange about these."  He turned and called to Mo. "What do you think?" Mo waggled his antennae. "They smell of decay." The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and moved his ears from side to side. Lapinette knew matters were serious. She sniffed the ballot papers too, then jumped back in revulsion. "Yeugh". The Wabbit sighed and sniffed again. Then he put an ear close to the papers for a very long time. He sniffed once more. His head rose and he looked out to sea. They all waited as minutes passed. "These voters don't exist," sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette shifted uneasily and gave voice to the question that hung in the air. "Why?" The Wabbit let the paper drop from his paw. "Because they're dead."

3. The Wabbit and the Missing Votes

The Wabbit thought it was a plane and it was. An old turbo prop swept low along the lines and they all took cover. But just as it reached the MoTo snails, it swooped upwards with a deafening roar and blue boxes spiralled onto the track. The Wabbit grabbed one and inspected it. "These are ballot boxes," said Lapinette. The Wabbit was puzzled. "Maybe they're the missing votes." The turbo prop disappeared out to sea, leaving only the sounds of waves moving shingle on the beach and rustling of paper. "What missing votes?" asked To, who was old school and critical. "There were strange stories from my land," said the Wabbit. "Tales of remote polling stations and ballot boxes and jeeps in the night." "I remember," said Lapinette. "It was in La Stampa." "We hate newspapers," said Mo. To agreed. "They're not worth the paper they're written on." "Like votes," said Mo. To laughed. "They give you a box and some stuff and you have to put the stuff in their box." "Sometimes that's true," said the Wabbit sadly. He shook the box and heard something scratching. So he peered through the slit but saw only paper. "All the same," said Lapinette, "votes shouldn't just disappear." "They didn't disappear," said Mo, "they were redistributed." The Wabbit shook his head like a donkey. "We need to look at them, but oh, why didn't they land in the sea instead?" Lapinette blinked and winked. "They would have been floating votes ..."

2. The Wabbit and the Distant Horizon

Mo and To told their friends they could bring a few items with them and the Wabbit and Lapinette were taking no chances - because they knew anything could happen on a Quest. Although they might meet friends, the Wabbit reasoned they would certainly meet enemies too. "Sometimes," said Lapinette gravely, "it's hard to tell them apart." Mo and To glided easily across the rugged terrain and as they slid along, they solemnly changed the names of everything they saw. This was some kind of ritual and the Wabbit joined in. Trees were called stones, houses became cars and, curiously, fences were named giraffes. Mo and To reached an old single railway line and wheeled to face the horizon. "This is our path," said Mo. "More of a track," said To. Lapinette squinted her eyes and stared down the railway until she could see no further. "Are we on the right lines?" quipped the Wabbit. "What about trains?" asked Lapinette. "We'd have a long wait," said To with a rude gesture of his antennae. "Government Cuts," grimaced Mo. He ejected a stream of slime and slithered in it. Lapinette flapped her ears. "I thought I heard something." "It's the sea," said Mo. "No it's the land," said To. "It's the damp whispering grass," snorted Mo. They looked at each other and laughed and wouldn't stop. The Wabbit jumped down, put his ear to the track then sniffed. The metal felt cold and smelled of verdigris. "Sounds like a plane ..."

1. The Quest of the MoTo Snails

The Wabbit and Lapinette met Mo and To in the early morning on the edge of town. Mo and To were punk snails and fashioned themselves accordingly. They had reason to be grateful to the Wabbit. He was responsible for a retrofit that made them incredibly swift and so a speed of Mach 2 was nothing for the MoTo Snails. The Wabbit held on to To and tried to get comfortable. "Our namesakes have passed away," said Mo. "Oh no," said the Wabbit sadly. "Let's remember them," said Lapinette softly. The Urban Sphynx made a haunting funeral sound that spiralled round the Abandoned Tower and they all shed a tear. The Wabbit broke the long silence. "Why are we here?" Mo and To nodded at exactly the same time, but To spoke first. "We shall now embark on a Quest." Mo explained further. "We're obliged to find something and for success we must make our Quest with friends." Lapinette steadied herself on Mo's back. "What are we looking for?" "No-one really knows," said Mo. "We'll know when we find it," said To. The Wabbit thought long and hard. "And when we find it," he asked, "will we bring it back?" "It depends how big it is," said Mo. To's antennae wagged. "It could be a new land made entirely of cardboard." Lapinette smiled to herself. "We can't bring that back, so what shall we do?" "Eat it." said Mo and To.

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The waiter tucked the team in nicely, took the order and vanished. "How do we get out?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit positioned himself to speak. "We don't usually have any trouble!" "Where's my dwink?" said Tipsy. "We just ordered," said Skratch, "it's only a matter of time." "Talking of Time," ventured Lapinette, "what was that for a kind of adventure?" It was the moment Skratch the Cat had been waiting for and he leaned forward with delight. "We were in a revisionist space western." Lapinette grinned. "Revisionism is a departure from tradition that favours critical views." Skratch nodded. "So each episode was a signifier only for itself." Tipsy suddenly waved. "The story showed that events shouldn't be stored in a shed, like gardening tools." "They can if you keep them in a neat block," said the Wabbit, who had been reading.  Skratch was dismissive. "That assumes time and space is relative depending on where the viewer is located." "So what about the Zones?" asked Lapinette. "The Zones were self-actuating fields of persuasion, which bent towards us," said Skratch. They all went quiet. "What about iconic instability?" muttered the Wabbit. Skratch giggled. "The Zoner clocks were indeed unstable. They were icons and also signs." "What kind of signs?" asked the Wabbit. "Signs of the times," said Skratch.

The Wabbit's Fairground Distraction

"We could site a Big Dipper over there," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth scanned the middle distance. "What about a Ghost Metro?" The Wabbit grinned and winked. "It could burst shrieking from underground." The Wabbit had come across an abandoned fairground ride and caused it to be located at the rear of the Department of Wabbit Affairs. There, he was slowly renovating it. That caused much amusement to his team, but the Wabbit paid no attention whatsoever. He had succeeded in making a device that played hurdy gurdy music using three old fiddles and a computer keyboard. This made rather a ghostly sound that aroused speculation on dark moonless nights when the Department worked late and the Wabbit was practicing. "About the Dinosaur Fund?" said Wabsworth. The Wabbit's android double was an exact copy but a lot had happened since inception. He looked at the rides and touched the Wabbit's shoulder affectionately. "Things go up and down." The Wabbit was unphased. "Fluctuations in the market?" "In our favour," smiled Wabsworth. "For a while we had more funds that exist anywhere." "How long did that last?" asked the Wabbit. "20 minutes," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit saw his plan for a Wabbit Land Pleasure Park disappear in a single instant. So he thought for a while. "What kind of Market do we need, a Bull or a Bear?" Wabsworth smiled broadly. "A Beer Market," he chortled

14. The Wabbit and Judgement of Time

The Wabbit hopped on a desk and tried to look stern. This was a bare room sometimes borrowed by the Wabbit for interrogations. But it belonged to the Crimes Against Time Agency (CAT), which had set the investigation in motion. The three Zoners looked so subdued that the Wabbit felt somewhat tolerant. Skratch shook his head, then scratched it. "Psst," he purred to the Zoners. "Shuffle your feet and wring your hands." Tipsy waved to attract the Zoners' attention. "It's better for you in the long run." The Wabbit paused for a very long time and although the clocks couldn't sweat, a little machine oil trickled down their faces. "You can't go around collecting time!" yelled the Wabbit. The Zoners muttered that it was only a bit of fun. The Wabbit shoved his paws deep into his fur. "It causes time turbulence, which gives others a rough time." There was silence. "Every time I turn around, there's trouble!" shouted the Wabbit. The Zoners nodded, so the Wabbit continued. "There's a time and a place for everything." In the silence that fell, the Wabbit realised he didn't dislike the Zoners and smiled to himself. "As regards a suitable penalty. I've hardly had time to think." The clocks wrung their hands and the Wabbit pointed. "You will remain in Time Zone Zulu." The clocks shuffled their feet so the Wabbit thought for a while. "You will keep accurate time." The Zoners looked rueful. "Anything else?" "Yes," said the Wabbit. "Time off for good behaviour."

13.The Wabbit & the Travellers' Return

The Tunnel hatch swung open at the given coordinates and still feeling nauseous the Wabbit lurched out. Skratch grabbed him as he keeled over. "You OK, Commander?" yelled Tipsy, keeping her colt trained on the prisoners. The Wabbit's stomach revolved like a tumble drier and he groaned lengthily. "That Time Tunnel needs stabilising." "Deep breaths, Commander," said Skratch who had more or less recovered. "Perhaps a salad sandwich will help." The pit of the Wabbit's stomach rose to his chin then dropped in free fall, but he was feeling better. "Where's this?" asked Skratch. "We're home," said the Wabbit. Skratch's eyes searched for familiar things. "I thought this was the Medieval Zone." "It's a copy," said the Wabbit. Skratch blinked because this seemed stranger than the weird places he'd just visited. "It's safe, secret and secure," volunteered the Wabbit. There was a sudden disturbance. The voice of the Tunnel boomed as it prepared to leave. "You owe 15,000 QUIDS for three trips." The Wabbit smirked. "You owe a fixed penalty for unauthorised cargo." "What?" said the Tunnel. "You can pay now," said the Wabbit, "or if you elect to contest it and are subsequently found guilty your fine will be higher." "How much?" asked the Tunnel, "A zillion gabillion," said the Wabbit. "Well," sighed the Tunnel. "Perhaps this whole thing never ever happened." With a whoosh the Tunnel faded and was gone. "I made all that up," smiled the Wabbit.
[QUID: Quasi Universal Intergalactic Denomination]

12. The Wabbit and Time for Business

The team escorted the Zoners into the Time Tunnel and it seemed like things were going OK. But events happened fast. The door slammed shut and the walls started to throb. A stentorian voice announced a 27 second warning and a second hand began its sweep. The Wabbit shivered violently in what he thought was a cold wind - but the wind wasn't blowing it was pulling. It drew the Zoners into a large conduit in the roof and the tunnel made a sound rather like a belch. "If you could express a preference," said the voice, "at which Time Zone would you care to destinate?" The Wabbit didn't know if destinate was a word, but this wasn't Scrabble and the word wasn't high scoring. Tipsy clutched her stomach. "I'm queasy." "Pleased to meet you, Queasy," said the Tunnel. "How can I help you destinate?" Skratch was also nauseous and his fur was on edge. But he was a quick thinking feline. "We'd like to be back at the movies watching The Brain that Wouldn't Die." The Tunnel paused at length then spoke. "Tell me of this Brain that Wouldn't Die." "There wasn't much in it," shrugged Skratch. The Wabbit interrupted. "Skratch was prevented from completing his assignment." "Did the Zoners disrupt time?" asked the Tunnel. The Wabbit nodded. "They're not bad fellows," said the Tunnel," and they do bring me business." "Ah, business?" growled the Wabbit. "Didn't you hear that times are thin?"

11. The Wabbit in the Infra Red Zone

A juddering announced their arrival. They hopped out the Time Gate having faded in to another strange landscape. The Wabbit hopped around the structure and seemed pleased with it. "What sort of place is this?" Tipsy sprawled and looked down the barrel of her Colt. "We're monochrome," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked surprised. "I thought it was night, since you were grey." "No this is an infra red place," said Skratch the Cat, "and we're infra red too." The Wabbit stuck his paws in his fur. "Is that possible?" Tipsy pulled back her trigger. The click echoed down the hillside and echoed back, bringing with it the three Zoners the Wabbit was chasing. "You shouldn't be here," said the first Zoner. "You're supposed to have been taken care of," said the second. "Permanently," said the third. Tipsy's revolver span until it was a blur. "Well, meet my friend," she hissed. His name's Sam. Sam Colt." The Wabbit appeared calm. "What exactly are you Zoners doing here?" "This is where we keep our collection," said the first Zoner. Now the Wabbit looked quizzical. "We collect elapsed time." said another Zoner. "Why here?" asked Skratch. "It's the only place it will keep," said the last Zoner. Tipsy stiffened and Skratch looked at her closely. "I feel something shaking." The structure trembled beneath their paws and the Zoners looked agitated. "You're in custody," said the Wabbit and he gestured to the Gate. "What for?" cried the Zoners. "Crimes against Time," said the Wabbit ...

10.The Wabbit and the Jump Zone

The team headed down the tunnel for what seemed like an age. Tipsy danced backwards and waved her Colt at shadows while the Wabbit and Skratch forged onwards. Suddenly they were bathed in an orange glow. "Something familiar?" said Skratch. "Yes, what about that?" replied the Wabbit. They both looked at the Time Gate. With a creak, the hatch swung back and a cacophonous tune bounced along the passageway. "I can hear a melody," offered Skratch. But there was no time for musicology. "This is the Jump Zone," boomed a recorded voice. "You have 27 seconds to enter the Gate." Skratch looked at the Wabbit, then turned as Tipsy unleashed a volley of shots into the darkness. "18 seconds before Jump," said the Gate. "Try talking to it, Wabbit," yelled Skratch but the Wabbit's shout came out a shriek. "Belay the countdown and return to 30 seconds!" The tune continued and the hatch swung with it. Skratch grabbed Tipsy by an ear and yanked her closer as they started to run. Her revolver spat bullets along the walls. "They're coming," she shouted as she loaded more rounds, "and I'm not picking up a happy feeling." "8 seconds to Jump," boomed the Gate. Now they were at the Gate and falling across the threshold. "Destination?" yelled the Wabbit. "Destination arbitrary," said the voice flatly. "I was hoping for more choice," sighed Skratch. "3 seconds," said the Gate, "and Please Watch the Gap." Then everything faded to black ...

9. The Wabbit at the Tunnel's End

They emerged from the Time Tunnel and into a strange landscape. Three moons hung from a tangerine sky and there was absolute still. The Wabbit was the first to scramble onto the parapet and he turned to lend a paw to Skratch. "What's Tipsy doing and where did she get the Colt?" Skratch laughed. "She said she'd cover our rear." The Wabbit shrugged. "Skratch, where do you think this is?" "It looks like an old abandoned planet," said Skratch. The Wabbit heaved a sigh. "Nowhere's completely abandoned is it? Surely there's someone or something about." Skratch looked all around. "Desolation Row," he muttered. "It creeps me out." The Wabbit inspected the stonework. "Someone built this." "A team of Aztecs with time and attitude?" suggested Skratch. The sound of rapid revolver fire disturbed their musings. "What's Tipsy shooting at?" growled the Wabbit. They both looked up. The moons had moved position and now they were ticking in synchrony. "Well I know this isn't Pluto," said the Wabbit. "How do you know?" asked Skratch. The Wabbit smiled. "I was there once. It's on the Metro." Skratch knew better than to ask for an explanation of the Wabbit's wilder observations. Besides, the ticking grew louder and faster and the moons seemed to drop closer to the surface. "Let's take cover," said the Wabbit. "Tipsy! Check out the other tunnel!" Tipsy wheeled on one foot and fired three shots. But there was no echo. "We've got no choice," yelled the Wabbit. Tipsy peered into the tunnel but only darkness peered back. "That's tunnel vision," said the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and the Passage of Time

a

The vast concrete structure nestled incongruously on the edge of town and the Wabbit and his two deputies crept into the giant bunker. Tipsy buried her head in her arms because a high pitched hum made her eardrums vibrate. "Ah there you are," said the Zoners. "Did you run out of time?" The Wabbit looked at the Zoners critically. He placed his paws at five past three. That was when he liked coffee - and since that time was as good as any other, he waved them. "Stand away from the tunnel!" "No can do," said the Zoner on the right and he tipped his cap. "We have an urgent appointment and we're pressed for time." The humming changed frequency and the Zoners looked alarmed. "Move away from the tunnel," said the Wabbit, "and we'll give you the time of day." But something else was happening. Tipsy's bottom half started to reappear and Skratch's Winchester was vanishing rapidly. "We really cannot delay or else it will be yesterday," yelled the middle Zoner. The Wabbit hopped closer and the Zoners shrank back. The hum grew louder and the leader clock at the back of the tunnel began a count down. Loud ticking filled the structure and as its single hand swept onwards. the Zoners grew frantic. Suddenly they turned, raced into the tunnel and disappeared. The Wabbit didn't have to ask. He too loped into the tunnel and was gone. Skratch looked at Tipsy but she was already at the leader clock. Its hand reached Fade. "Three seconds!" yelled Skratch - but she'd gone too. "No time like the present," sighed Skratch as he jumped ... 

7. The Wabbit and the Wild West Zone

The Wabbit couldn't remember how he got there. One second he was watching the movie and the next he seemed to be in one. "Howdy stranger," said a familiar voice. It was Skratch, but the Wabbit had never seen him toting a Winchester. "You must be from the Badlands," said Skratch. "You'll be in need of a drink." "I'll have a carrot aperitivo," said the Wabbit - but when he saw Skratch's eyes rise a full one inch, he adopted a threatening snarl. "Put it in a dirty glass and leave the bottle!" A tinkle of glasses heralded a bodyless Tipsy who appeared from the back. The Wabbit turned and cast a deliberate gaze around the chaos. "I'm a lookin' for three flannel mouths," he drawled. Tipsy sipped her drink. "They wuz here and they wuz on the shoot," she nodded. "Broke the place up real bad." Skratch looked at his Winchester, dropped the lever and loaded new cartridges. "They spoke real fancy too," he grunted, "Said it was feeding time at the zoo." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes until they were slits. "Did they ask what time zone this was?" "They sure did," said Skratch, "and I told 'em 'Tango' like what it's always bin." Tipsy drained her glass and crashed it on the bar. "Round here, we don' go changing." "They sure gave you a bad time," agreed the Wabbit, "did they say where they wuz headin'?" Skratch pointed to the wall. "They said something about the mists of time. Then they vanished clean away." The Wabbit got up. "I'll head after them." "Hey Marshal," said Tipsy, "could you use a couple of deputies?"

6. The Wabbit and the Late Late Movie

The Wabbit hopped straight into the auditorium, followed by the Time Zoners. The theatre was screening Tarkovsky's Solaris and it was just about to start. The Wabbit smiled broadly, but behind him bickering and confusion broke out concerning who would sit where. The Wabbit immediately moved to the front, but the Zoners followed and sat all around him. "Shhh" said the Wabbit. "Are we in time for the beginning?" said the Zoner to his right. "It's just begun," snapped the Wabbit. "Films should be dull at the start," said the Zoner, "so people have time to leave." The Zoner behind leaned forward. "Your ears are in the way." The Wabbit looked all around the empty cinema and shook his head sadly. Now the Zoner to his right chipped in. "A visit to the cinema is always about time travel." The Wabbit snorted. "Tarkovsky," he said, "does not represent time as a sequential flow of events." "Of course not," said the Zoner at the back. "Otherwise we wouldn't be here." The Wabbit kept his eyes firmly on the screen. "Where would you be?" he asked slyly. "Somewhere else," said the Zoner carefully. "Having a rare old time," added another and they all giggled. The Wabbit frowned and gestured silence with a paw across his mouth. "How long does this film last?" asked a Zoner. "A hundred and sixty nine minutes." replied the Wabbit from memory. "Oh that's splendid," said the Zoner at the back. "We have all the time in the world." The Wabbit smiled to himself. "Now where would you find all that time?"

5. The Wabbit and the Twilight Zone

The Wabbit pursued the voices a long way from the forest and into the city. They were heading somewhere specific. "Come in Juliet. This is Zone Zulu, copy?" The radio whined. "Juliet. Go ahead." "The Wabbit had difficulty in describing the scene. "I'm at the cinema." The radio hissed. "Leave that for later Commander." The Wabbit gritted his teeth and tried not to yell. "The Zoners are in the cinema!" A long silence ensued. "What are they doing?" "Chatting," said the Wabbit. "What about?" asked Juliet. The Wabbit made static noises, slipped his radio into his fur and listened. "Are we late?" said the first Zoner. The second Zoner chortled. "No, t'is the cinema that's early." "We have time on our hands," said the third. Then they all laughed just like in the forest. The Wabbit caught sight of a red flash. So he looked towards the bar and saw Skratch with Tipsy's head under one arm. He made a slight gesture, but none was returned. And although Tipsy seemed to have a drink, the Wabbit wasn't sure of her Zone. Both Skratch and Tipsy looked transparent and shimmered in the dim glow. Suddenly, the Zoner on the right swirled his hands three times. "What time zone did we ask for?" "Whisky," said the middle Zoner. They all turned to look at the bar. The third Zoner ticked a little. "This isn't Whisky, it looks like X-Ray." "We can still have fun though," said the middle Zoner and they giggled. The Wabbit watched Tipsy sip her drink. "Let's watch a late movie," suggested the first Zoner. The Wabbit hopped forward and spoke. "How about the Twilight Zone?"

4. The Wabbit in Time Zone Zulu

The Wabbit waited a long time but finally his radio crackled. "This is Juliet. Confirm Time Zone?" "Zulu," snapped the Wabbit. The Wabbit sounded impatient because he'd been on the same spot staring at empty space for several hours. The spot lay along the course of the new atomic timepiece known as OptoClock and trouble was afoot. But forced to accept a mission for another agency, the Wabbit was unhappy and so grumbled to himself at length. "Report sightings," said Juliet. The Wabbit had nothing to report, but from the corner of his eye he noticed a reflection in the jeep's side panel. He stayed still and watched until the radio interrupted. "Commander?" "I have a partial sighting of Tipsy," replied the Wabbit. "Tipsy? How partial?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Well, she has no head." Angry voices at base suggested this was not anticipated. "What about the Zoners, Commander?" The Wabbit was about to say there were no Zoners, when he heard voices in the forest. He watched Tipsy's bottom half stroll off down the forest path and he narrowed his eyes and shook his head. But he ignored it because the voices were getting closer. They were talking about time in a most peculiar manner - and every so often they stopped and laughed. "I'm completely zoned," said one voice. "Did you make any daylight saving?" asked another. "No, there's hardly any interest. I took out a loan." The Wabbit sighed deeply and whispered into his radio. "They're here, but they're on borrowed time."
[Zulu: military time zone, Coordinated Universal Time UTC/GMT. Juliet: Military time zone (observer's local time)]

3. Skratch and the Time Zone Problem

Skratch escorted Tipsy carefully from the auditorium when he heard the sound of a kiss. He momentarily thought of the Wabbit's instructions and fumbled quickly in his fur for Tipsy's gift. That's when it happened. Two disembodied paws took the chocolate liqueurs. "Oh thank you Skratch," said Tipsy's head, "that was very thoughtful." Skratch was lost in Tipsy's swirling eyes as her lips detached and floated towards him. "What time zone is it?" asked Tipsy's lips. Skratch nearly jumped, but he remained calm and tried to think clearly. "It's CEST." "My goodness that's late," said the lips, "but not too late for you to take me for a little dwink." Tipsy's lips returned to their proper place while Skratch wondered which establishment would permit entry to a disembodied head. "Aren't you working soon?" Tipsy's lips smiled. "I don't have to get up until November." Skratch knew that was a military time zone and now his eyes narrowed. But he saw no option but to go along with things until he could get to the bottom of the problem. "Let's head out then," he chirped. Tipsy proffered a paw and he hooked his paw around it and proceeded downstairs to the exit. Tipsy's lips floated around a bit. "It's nice to have someone to take me to the movies. Now you can tell me about how to read a film."  Skratch realised he was becoming accustomed to talking to a disembodied head. "What movie would you like to see next?" Tipsy's lips fluttered close. "The Time Machine."

[CEST is Central European Time.   November is a Military Time Zone in the NATO phonetic alphabet.]

2. Skratch, Tipsy and the B Movie

At a repertory cinema near the centre of town, Skratch and Tipsy met to see an old B movie horror. Skratch knew it had become a cult classic but said nothing, owing to the Wabbit's instructions. He was not allowed to broach the subject of movies at all and was therefore at a loss for conversation. Skratch felt a paw creep into his. He'd been expecting the brush of a foot or leg, but a paw he felt he could deal with, Skratch squeezed it. "I'm scared," whispered Tipsy. "Don't worry," said Skratch. "I'm here and nothing can harm you." Tipsy leant forward and eagerly watched the story unfold. Skratch had seen the movie several times and was responsible for submitting a long and technical article to Jump Cut Review, now at the revision stage. "Yikes!" shrieked Tipsy as a decapitated head made conversation from a laboratory worktop. She looked away, only to notice a door at the side of the screen. "What's behind that door?" she murmured. An actor's voice from the screen seemed to reply. "Horrors no normal mind can imagine." Tipsy jumped. "I think it's a broom cupboard," said Skratch soothingly. Tipsy's eyes were riveted on the movie monster as it ripped its tormentor limb from limb. "Will you see me home afterwards," she breathed. "There might be monsters." Skratch smiled and nodded and grasped for the chocolates. Tipsy looked thoughtful. "Anyway, how long can you live without a brain?" "It depends how old you are," said Skratch,

1. The Wabbit & the Command Movie

Skratch the Cat arrived at the sleazy viewing theatre where the Wabbit had an arrangement. The matter seemed to be urgent, so he was unsurprised when the Wabbit addressed him in serious note. "Departmental Business." The Wabbit's voice indicated he didn't exactly approve. "This is a direct order, Skratch." Skratch waited for what seemed like an age. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "You have to take Tipsy to the movies." Skratch's fur stood on end. "But Commander .." "I'm certain something can be worked out." said the Wabbit, "now what seat do you usually occupy?" "Front row, middle," said Skratch. The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "You will occupy a rear seat, offset from centre." Skratch gritted his teeth. "During the film, Tipsy will nudge your leg." Skratch groaned inwardly. "What then Commander?" "You will whisper sweet nothings in her ear." Skratch brightened. "About the movie?" "On no account," said the Wabbit. "You will not talk of cinema or film theory and there is to be no mention of semiotics." Skratch heaved a very long sigh. "What next Commander?" "You will escort Tipsy home." said the Wabbit, "where you will kiss her affectionately on the cheek and give her a small box of expensive chocolate liqueurs." And then?" asked Skratch. "Lope away nonchalantly," said the Wabbit, handing Skratch money. "Look, this should cover everything." Skratch spoke cautiously "May I take a taxi?" "Only if there's a blizzard," said the Wabbit.