The Wabbit and the Quiet Birthday

It was the Wabbit’s birthday and he crept out early for some peace and quiet. To fool everyone, he took Franco’s jeep instead of his own and he was merrily bowling along singing a favourite song, when his radio crackled. "Sweet Wabbit, Happy Birthday! Where are you?" said Lapinette. "Bowling merrily along," said the Wabbit. "Lovely," said Lapinette, "do have fun. Don’t forget your official function and to pick up your cloak from the laundry." The Wabbit’s ears stood on end and he felt in his fur for the ticket. For a moment all was quiet and the Wabbit sniffed the sea breeze. Suddenly another voice broke in. "Commander, someone’s stolen my jeep," said Franco. "I have it Franco," said the Wabbit. "That’s a relief on your birthday Sir," said Franco and he signed off. The Wabbit was just about to turn on his FM radio when the handset crackled again. "Wabbit, happy birthday," said Puma. "It’s about my adventures, I need to play a bigger role," "Later Puma," said the Wabbit and turned up the dial to hear Fabio Treves on Wablantis Radio. But the music stopped and another voice cut in. "Happy birthday," said Snail. “I was wondering whether you have my screwdriver kit." "In the shed," said the Wabbit and he turned Wablantis up higher. But his handset crackled yet again. "Woooooh!" said a ghostly voice. "Oh hello Ghost Bunny. What can I do for you?" "Enjoying your birthday?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Yes, I’m out for a quiet drive," said the Wabbit. "I made a radio request for you," said Ghost Bunny, "and they’re playing it now." The Wabbit turned the radio up full blast. It was BB King singing Happy Birthday Blues and the Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth and sang along.

The Wabbit's after-adventure Discussion

The gang gathered at the Railway Arch Café and Snail was, as usual, the last to arrive. The Wabbit knew this had nothing to do with being slow. It was all about making an entrance. "How’s your belly off for slime?" he said to Snail, just to bring him down to earth. "Excellent," said Snail. "I see you’re whatever size is normal for you today." So the Wabbit gave up trying to get the better of Snail and asked everyone what sort of adventure they thought they'd had. "It was rather Low Budget," said Lapinette with a smile, because she thought that might annoy the Wabbit - and then she dug him in the ribs so that he knew to be annoyed. "That’s not of itself a genre," said the Wabbit. "It's more of an approach." Robot chimed in with an electronic yet resonant voice. "It was a low budget, science fiction remake with contemporary references," he said.  "Oh all that football stuff," said Snail.  "That football stuff as you call it, was perfect," said Robot. "And it was a reminder of the days when football was more than over-strategised set pieces executed by automatons." There was a long silence because everyone knew Robot was right. Lapinette changed the subject. "Wabbit you didn’t fulfil your part of the deal with the Swarm," she said. "Oh but I did," said the Wabbit. "The Swarm now has all the football data from 1871." "Just statistics?" asked Lapinette. "And damned lies," quoted the Wabbit gleefully.

6. The Wabbit and the Holodeck Suite

The Wabbit's hour of shrunkennness was up. Suddenly he found himself normalised but in a most unfamiliar location and looking directly at Robot. The Wabbit could say just one word. "Where?" he uttered in a voice that began as a squeak and ended as a roar. "Don't worry Wabbit. Have you got the data?" said Robot. "I certainly have and you've no idea what a pesky task it was," grumbled the Wabbit. Robot took the ceramic memory stack and inserted it into a port in his front. "So where is this?" said the Wabbit again in a more affable tone. "This is the Holodeck suite," replied Robot as if there had always been one. "How did it get here," asked the Wabbit. "I requisitioned it," said Robot. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his forehead. "Who signed?" he said simply. "Lapinette, Commander," "Oh good," said the Wabbit and he smiled and clapped his paws. "At least it wasn't me." Robot remained silent as he wrote data to his memory and then he nodded sagely. "Excellent data. Now I can begin work on the problem in hand." The Wabbit did not care to admit that he neither knew what the data was nor was he sure of the exact nature of the problem in hand. "Yes," he said, "that will sort the matter out entirely." "The Agents of Rabit will rue the day that I asked for this data," said Robot. "Of course," said the Wabbit and he looked all around. "Who's that woman?" he asked finally. "I really don't know," said Robot, "she came with the Holodeck." "Well, where did you get the Holodeck?" murmured the Wabbit." "e-Bay," said Robot.

5. The Wabbit and the Soccer Ball Virus

The Wabbit’s paw touched the Wabitron drive and made up a circuit with his ceramic stack memory card. He suddenly glowed bright green and electronic spheres flew hither and thither. The Wabbit called these spheres Score Kalm and they were a computer virus he had developed in his shed especially to fight the Agents of Rabit. But the spheres captivated the Swarm and it became quiet. So the Wabbit began a rhythmic chant, consisting entirely of football scores that the Swarm found soothing. "Accrington Stanley, one,"  he crooned and stopped for a while. The Swarm waited expectantly. "Hamilton Academicals, one," said the Wabbit calmly. The Swarm started to settle and as they did, the Wabbit's lost data began to write to his ceramic disk and he grinned. "Hertha Berlin, three," said the Wabbit in an ascending voice, then paused for a lengthy period. A small sigh rose from the Swarm. "Moscow Dynamo, two," he said gravely. More of the Swarm settled and their chips yielded an increasing amount of data to the Wabbit's memory card. "Red Star Belgrade, nil" announced the Wabbit and waited. The Swarm sank lower and all the creatures looked up. As the Swarm fluttered to the bottom of the computer, the Wabbit could see that he had nearly all the data he needed. "San Jose Earthquakes, nil," said the Wabbit sternly. The Swarm was completely inert. "And that was the end of World Football," announced the Wabbit. Tucking his ceramic memory card in his fur, he made for a nearby ventilation grille in the back of the computer and hopped quickly away. 

4. The Wabbit and the Wabitron Drive

The Wabbit backed away as the Swarm advanced. But from the corner of his eye he saw something appear at the back of the old computer. He knew the Swarm of chip creatures hadn’t noticed, because it was much to intent on menacing the Wabbit. So he waved a paw and spoke loudly. “Perhaps we can do a deal for the data?" he said. "The Swarm does no deals," said the largest of the Chip Creatures. “Everyone does deals," said the Wabbit. "It's really quite the thing."  “State your case then," said the creature. "Behind me," said the Wabbit waving his paw, "is the Wabitron 3000 vortex hyper drive, which you may access in exchange for giving me our lost data." "What’s in it for us?" asked several members of the Swarm. "All soccer data from 1871," lied the Wabbit, because he was making it up as he went along. "And there's all you could possibly require," he added. "Goals for and against, corners, direct and indirect free kicks, fouls and penalties." There was a murmuring of interest from the Swarm. "Why don’t we just take it and assimilate you anyway?" said the leader of the Swarm. "Because the Wabitron Drive isn’t backwards compatible," said the Wabbit thinking quickly. "So?" said the leader. "You chips will fry," said the Wabbit flippantly. “Exactly what data is it you want from us?" asked the leader. "That," said the Wabbit," is for you to know and me to find out." The Swarm gathered for a confused discussion and the Wabbit knew he had bought some time. So he fished inside his fur for a ceramic chip stack SD card from one of his experiments ...

3. The Wabbit and the Data Swarm

The Wabbit hopped inside the old computer and hadn't been there for more than a minute when he heard a sound that was midway between a droning and a humming. Without warning, yellow winged creatures poured like bats from a hidden corner and then flapped around. The Wabbit's well-known antipathy for winged things surfaced immediately and he hopped from one foot to another. "Oh why did it have to be winged things? Why not snakes for instance?" he appealed to no-one in particular. But the swarm was heading directly for the Wabbit with little respect for his sensibilities. "Produce your data now!" cried the lead creature. "I come in peace," said the Wabbit, quietly feeling under his fur for his automatic. "We are the Data Swarm, we need data," said the lead creature. "I seem to have left all my data in my other coat," said the Wabbit, patting his fur. "Give us data!" they cried and they hummed and droned loudly. The Wabbit spoke the first thing that came into his head. "Torino Football Club was promoted to Serie A after a 3 year absence," he said with a smile. "That's good data," said a creature at the rear and the winged ones droned for a while as they assimilated the new information. "I'm looking for lost data," ventured the Wabbit. "We take data, we don't give it away," snarled the chief creature. "Give me back my data!" yelled the Wabbit suddenly. "You will be assimilated along with all your soccer knowledge," threatened the creature. "You'll be rather disappointed" said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit's quest for the Lost Data

The Wabbit got smaller and smaller and found himself in a strange place which appeared to be under the floor. "It's grubby down here," grumbled the Wabbit. The Wabbit grumbled if he didn’t understand things and he was apt to complain bitterly and at length to himself – because usually there was no one else nearby to listen to his complaints. He looked all around anyway and he couldn't help but notice a large box which, on inspection, was fairly recognisable. "It’s an old computer," said the Wabbit with distaste. He looked at it disparagingly because he knew that it was incapable of supporting one of his lists far less a sophisticated program like ListWrite Lite. "The lost data must be in there," he thought, "otherwise I wouldn’t be here." The Wabbit paused to agree with himself, which he very often did. But when he agreed with himself, his ears would tilt back and then suddenly forward in a manner that some found disturbing. So the Wabbit tried not to agree with himself too much in public. "I suppose I’ll have to examine the interior," thought the Wabbit, "and see if there’s any lost data lying around." The Wabbit fished around in his fur for a crosshead screwdriver that he had bought cheaply in a market near the Big White Hospital and poked the side of the computer. In the Wabbit's head there lurked an entertaining idea that he would find a compartment clearly marked Lost Data, just inside the casing. He would then quickly unbolt it and make off. "If only life could be like that," thought the Wabbit and he patiently set to work.

1. The Wabbit and the Fantastic Mission

The Wabbit was at his laptop attending to his lists - a task for which he had tried several systems. Usually he tried to have umpteen windows open and exchange items at will. But on this occasion he had decided to download a program called ListWrite Light. This had proved colourful yet less than helpful. He now had the exactly the same lists but they were prettier. "Grrr," thought the Wabbit and he jabbed furiously at the laptop keys and tried to uninstall the program. But just at that very moment the Snail Phone rang and the Wabbit grabbed it with a paw. "Oh, hello Snail," said the Wabbit brightly, muttering, "make it quick!" under his breath. "I heard you," said Snail. The Wabbit had forgotten that the Snail Phone was a sensitive device that could hear his thoughts and he silently cursed the new technology that he and Big Blue Snail had developed in a shed. "We cannot fly in the face of change," said Snail. "I suppose not," said the Wabbit, “so what’s new, what’s true?" "I'm relaying a secret message from the Department. Your mission is to retrieve some lost data and for that you must be miniaturised." "I’m a wabbit not a scale model," said the Wabbit. "Prepare to download the program," sighed Snail, "and I’ll be seeing you." The Wabbit's paws started to vibrate and he watched as his laptop got bigger and bigger. "It's not the laptop, it’s you," said Snail's voice from the phone. "I don’t want to be miniaturised," said the Wabbit. "It’s just for an hour," said Snail. "Not even for a second," yelled the Wabbit. "Honey I shrunk the Wabbit," smiled Snail and the line went dead.

The Wabbits make an Emergency Earthquake Appeal

"Many animals are suffering because of the earthquake in Emilia Romagna," said the Wabbit. "Please help by making a donation to ENPA, National Animal Protection," said Lovely Lapinette. "Here's the ENPA statement," said the Wabbit.

• L’Enpa (Ente nazionale protezione animali) e’ pronto a inviare verso l’Emilia-Romagna ‘Isotta’, il mezzo di soccorso per le gravi emergenze veterinarie. “Una missione a 360° per supportare con cibo, medicinali e sostegno psicologico gli animali coinvolti nel sisma, vedendo a fianco dei veterinari la presenza anche di comportamentisti, fondamentali per aiutare gli animali a superare il trauma causato da questo terribile terremoto.
• ENPA (National animal protection) is ready to send relief to the Emilia-Romagna Isolde for several veterinary agencies. It's a 360 ° mission to give food, medical and emotional support for animals involved in the earthquake. Being at the side of veterinary activists is essential in helping our animals to overcome the trauma caused by this terrible earthquake. 

If you need any help with Italian in the donation form, just talk to the Wabbit who is @followthewabbit on Twitter or at Facebook - click on the Facebook link at the top right of the page. Or you can speak with @LovelyLapinette on Twitter!

The Wabbit & the After Adventure Cafe

It was an exhilarating adventure and even though they had enjoyed it, they were glad to be back. Skratch the Cat Burglar crossed his legs and settled in his chair. "I'm almost afraid to ask what kind of adventure you had." "Surely not, Skratch!"said the Wabbit smiling. "You had us all a little worried," said Skratch, "especially when you didn't show up for the Carrot Club meeting." "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "that'll take some explaining." They all chuckled because they knew the Wabbit seldom missed a meeting of the Carrot Club and when he did there was a lengthy inquest. "Well I think the adventure was mostly scientific," said Ghost Bunny, "with more than a touch of mysticism." "Science and magic don't mix," said Lapinette with a frown. "Quite right," said Skratch. "Genre is not to be treated in a flippant way for the purpose of idle entertainment." "Not so," said Ghost Bunny. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Skratch, than are dreamed of in your literary criticism classes." "Like ghosts," said the Wabbit. "Like ghosts," said Ghost Bunny and she paused for a minute. "In terms of quantum mechanics, the past isn't dead, it's not even past." she breathed. "That's William Faulkner," said Lapinette, "Pretty rich for a modernist," said Skratch. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "Wabbit you should never have sent Skratch to that night class." "I didn't," said the Wabbit. "I took him," said Ghost Bunny.

7. The Wabbit and the Surprising Return

"Ghost Bunny?" queried Lapinette. "We’re back," wailed Ghost Bunny. "Hello! Welcome home," shouted Skratch. "How did you know where to find us?" said Lapinette.  "I saw it in a dream," purred Skratch. "A small white rabbit with a big book appeared and advised me to go to the Motor Museum, where I would find something to my advantage." "That would be me," called the Wabbit.  Skratch watched the Wabbit carefully and addressed Lapinette. "The Wabbit’s to my advantage?" he asked. "I am," said the Wabbit. Skratch snorted but then he smiled and his tail quivered. "Where is he going?" said Lapinette to Ghost Bunny quietly. "I’m going to look over a Bugatti," said the Wabbit. "I think that trip went to his head," whispered Lapinette. "No, no," called the Wabbit and he climbed onwards. "It’s all in the book!” he muttered, but everyone heard him even though it was under his breath. "That book is all advanced mathematics," said Lapinette. "Indeed!" cried the Wabbit. "This is one of many possible worlds and in every possible world there’s always a Motor Museum." "He’s winding us up," said Skratch. "He does that," said Lapinette. "It’s his way," said Ghost Bunny fondly. "It would be nice if his way met our way from time to time," said Lapinette. "Then he wouldn’t be the Wabbit," said Skratch. "Come on everyone, there’s a great snack bar nearby," called the Wabbit. "His way just met my way," said Lapinette. "And mine," said Skratch. "I therefore suggest we follow the Wabbit," said Ghost Bunny. So they did.

6. The Wabbit and the Alchemy Chant

Ghost Bunny suddenly inflated to twice her normal size and the playing cards assembled and span around in her glow. As she chanted, the small white rabbits paired and tripled, joined with the cards and rotated quickly. "What’s she chanting?" asked the Wabbit. "The Fibonacci Sequence," said Lapinette. "We’ll be here for weeks!" said the Wabbit. But he heard  Ghost Bunny’s tone alter and his ears pricked back as she muttered a rapid incantation. "Dublin, Turin, Potsdam, Rome;  Lucas, Cullen, Wostenholme; We beg the ghost of David Bohm; to find the holes and bring us home,” she sang. "That’s rather good," said the Wabbit, "and quite catchy," "Shh Wabbit there’s more," said Lapinette. Ghost Bunny made a phantasmic gesture and glowed brightly. "Unfolded orders, one two three; counter-factuality; So what’s the probability? Of us being home in time for  tea," she sang. The cards and the rabbits span faster and faster until they merged in a frantic blur. The Wabbit shook his head. "I’d rather have an aperitivo,"  he said. "I agree,” agreed Lapinette. “Do you think Ghost Bunny needs any help?” asked the Wabbit. "It coudn’t hurt," said Lapinette. The Wabbit cleared his throat. "There’s nothing much you get for free; in quantum non-locality," he rhymed. "If truth is that, which is the case; We’d rather be in just one place," said Lapinette. And as she said "place", there was a loud crack and the cards and the rabbits collapsed into a single point and vanished.

5. The Wabbit and the Fibonacci Hole.

Lapinette and the Wabbit looked up to see the approach of a ghostly object. "It's Ghost Bunny!" cried Lapinette with delight. "Where have you been?" said Ghost Bunny in alarm. "We've only been away a minute," said the Wabbit. "You've been gone three weeks," said Ghost Bunny. "Everyone's been looking for you." "Well, it's good to be missed," said the Wabbit cheerfully. "It's no joking matter, Wabbit," said Ghost Bunny sternly." You're trapped in a Fibonacci sequence and you must leave immediately before you're stuck until it ends." "What's the end of the sequence?" said the Wabbit. "It's thought to be infinite," said Lapinette with alarm. "It just keeps going, like us," joked the Wabbit. "This is no time for your particular brand of misplaced humour, Commander," said Ghost Bunny. "You must find the hole in the sequence that releases you and quickly." "I'm not really sure what that number could be," said Lapinette and she thought for a bit and pulled her ears. "Maybe a self initialising quadratic sieve might do the trick?" The Wabbit rummaged in his fur. "Do you have one?" asked Lapinete. "No," said the Wabbit "I'm looking for something else." He delved long and deep took out a small paper slip. "Let's try 22223224462942044552973989346190996720666693909649976499097960" "What in Pluto is that?" asked Ghost Bunny. "It's my membership number in the Carrot Club," said the Wabbit. A sudden sharp wind froze them to the marrow. Then even Ghost Bunny's fur ruffled as the cards lifted one by one and blew all around.

4. The Wabbit and the Jolly Joker

Suddenly the scene changed and the Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves behind a gravestone watching a different white rabbit hop towards them. "Another one," muttered the Wabbit who was beginning to get used to more and more rabbits. “Hop white rabbit, hop hop!” shouted the white rabbit and with a flick of his paw he threw several playing cards in the air. Lapinette and the Wabbit gazed at the cards that were now dancing a merry jig. The Wabbit thought for a moment then smiled. "Pick any card," he said to Lapinette, "but don’t let me see it." The Wabbit shut his eyes very tightly indeed and Lapinette put out a paw and grabbed the three of diamonds. "OK, tell me what it is," sighed Lapinette. "It's the three of diamonds," said the Wabbit quickly. "Oh!" sulked Lapinette and she looked at the Wabbit with a look she reserved for his magic tricks, because she knew that Wabbit could perform quite a few that he had learned from a book. He would take it upon himself to entertain guests at social gatherings and usually she chose that very moment to have an urgent appointment elsewhere. "It’s not a trick," said the Wabbit. "It’s the Fibonacci Sequence." "Then where,” asked Lapinette, "does that card fit?" She pointed to to the hopping rabbit and the Wabbit looked at him and then at the card the white rabbit had kept to himself. "That's a jolly joker," said the Wabbit. "It can fit anywhere." "Like us," smiled Lapinette. "Up to a point," smiled the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and Schrödinger's Rabbits

As soon as Lapinette mentioned the word  “rabbits”, both she and the Wabbit shot into the air.  "Whooooah!" said the Wabbit. "Woooooooh!" said Lapinette and she struggled to get the Wabbit’s automatic out of her frock. They both started to drift around and Lapinette's arms detached from her body and whirled too. "Over there!" gasped the Wabbit and gestured as best he could at two white rabbits sitting on a gravestone. The rabbits were having a discussion about quantum sequences and although they seemed to notice Lapinette and the Wabbit they merely continued their discussion in an animated manner. The Wabbit caught vague terms like asymptotic, fans, arcs, retracement and time extension and they all seemed to whirl around his head. But when Lapinette heard them say "time extension", something made her uneasy and she tried to fire an alarm shot in the air with her automatic. The rabbits looked across as the automatic made a soft plopping and equations issued from the barrel. They nodded sagely and murmured about the implicate order. "Hello rabbits,"  said the Wabbit as best he could. "We are only one rabbit,"  said both rabbits at once. "What’s your name?" asked Lapinette in a warbly voice. "I am Schrödinger," said one. "No, I am Schrödinger," said the other. "I’m confused," said the Wabbit. "There’s a simple explanation," said Lapinette suddenly. "When everything is eliminated, the remaining explanation no matter how bizarre is the case." "That's true," said the Wabbit as if he knew already. "The rabbits are here and not here at the same time," said Lapinette. "So what about us?" said the Wabbit. "Us too," said Lapinette.

2. The Wabbit and the Ouija Board

As Lapinette and the Wabbit hopped into the Graveyard, the gates swung closed behind them with a clang and the sky misted over. "Mmm," said the Wabbit, "we just lost some light. Perhaps this graveyard is haunted." "Who by?" asked Lapinette. "Persons or things unknown," said the Wabbit knowledgeably and he scanned the graveyard all around. "Do you think that's why it's always locked with a big padlock?" said Lapinette. "I think spooks care as much about padlocks as I do," smiled the Wabbit. "You're  a bit of a spook yourself," said Lapinette. "Everyone's got to have a project," said the Wabbit. They both thought long and hard, then smiled for a moment. But the Wabbit felt the wind tugging at his fur again. He turned in its direction and shivered as he caught sight of a coloured object. "What's that?" he murmured. "It's a Ouija Board," said Lapinette. "I don't think they work," said the Wabbit. "Ask it," said Lapinette. "OK," said the Wabbit. He rummaged in his fur for his monopod and hopping up to the board he began to poke it vigorously. Very slowly, the tip of the monopod started to move across the letters - first to O then U then C and finally H. "Ouch!" said Lapinette. "Sorry," said the Wabbit. Then he felt the board tremble slightly and watched as it pointed to O followed by K. Suddenly, it began to glow and the Wabbit's monopod started to move again, but this time across a particular sequence of numbers: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, then 13 and 21. Finally it stopped. "Fibonacci of Pisa!" exclaimed the Wabbit. "And his pair of rabbits!" gasped Lapinette. 

1. The Wabbit and the Locked Graveyard

The Wabbit and Lapinette were on a constitutional hop quite near the Old Abandoned Laundry and just as they were passing the Old Locked Graveyard, the Wabbit noticed that the chain and padlock were missing. "Look Lapinette!" he said with excitement. "There's no lock!" Lapinette made sure the gate was indeed unlocked. "Usually there's a big iron padlock," said the Wabbit. "Usually that doesn't stop you looking around," smiled Lapinette. "I felt that would be disrespectful," said the Wabbit. "I don't think they mind in there," said Lapinette. "Well, they're somewhat dead," said the Wabbit. "You never show as much respect for the somewhat living," said Lapinette. The Wabbit thought for a bit and said, "That's somewhat of a point." He was just about to elaborate on respect when he felt a faint breath of wind tug at his fur. "Did you feel that?" he said, looking through the gates. "Feel what?" asked Lapinette. "That tuggy thing on the fur," said the Wabbit. "I felt no tuggy thing," said Lapinette and she sniffed the air. "But I'm aware of a musty smell like ancient boots in the cellar," she said. The Wabbit looked at his fur while Lapinette looked at her feet and they were so intent on looking that they hardly noticed the gates swing open. "That's odd," said the Wabbit. "The gates opened of their own volition." "Silently," said Lapinette. "They're supposed to go creakedy-creakedy," said the Wabbit. "Ungate-like behaviour," said Lapinette. "Shall we go in?" asked the Wabbit. "Do we have a choice?" said Lapinette. "Not this side of an adventure," said the Wabbit and they both hopped through.

The Wabbit and the stash of Irn Bru

"Where's this? asked Skratch. "It's the Wabbit's homeland," answered Quantum the Time Travelling Train. "Off you hop now and have a nice snack!" So while they assembled round a table, Skratch thought he would get the drinks. "Carrot aperitivi," he called in a loud cat voice. "Oh I don't think they have these here," said the Wabbit, "but I do see something else." "So do I!" said Ghost Bunny, "it says Irn Bru on the label."  "Made in Scotland from Girders," said the Wabbit. Lapinette giggled. "And how do they do that exactly?" she smiled. Lapinette was merely teasing, because she had found the Wabbit's secret stash of Irn Bru in the back of a cupboard along with a sporran, a skean dubh and a tartan football hat. Of this discovery she said nothing. "Irn Bru is so made of girders," said the Wabbit following a pause. "It contains ammonium ferric citrate!" "Point nought nought two percent," said Ghost Bunny quietly. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. "It puts fur on your chest, so will you join me in a glass?" "Me too," said Quantum the Train and they all settled back. "So what about the Ice Mice? What kind of adventure was that exactly?" asked Skratch. "It was an Eco adventure," said Ghost Bunny who took an interest in popular television. "The Skarrots was an Eco adventure too," said Lapinette. "Are we getting in a rut, then?" asked Skratch. The Wabbit sipped his drink and smacked his lips. He knew only too well that Lapinette had discovered his secret hoard of Irn Bru because he was one bottle short. "No, it's more of a groove," he grinned.

8. The Wabbit in the Sombrero Galaxy

Quantum jettisoned the container of Ice Mice on the edge of the Sombrero Galaxy and all the gang cheered as they watched it spiral off into the distance. "I hope we've seen the last of these mice," said Skratch the Cat Burglar. "Somehow I doubt it," said the Wabbit. "There's a big black hole down there," said Lovely Lapinette. "A black mouse hole?" asked Skratch. Everyone laughed. "Now it's time for us to sing," said Quantum the Time Travelling Train. "Sing?" said Ghost Bunny in surprise. "We always sing," said Quantum. "Well only just the once before," said the Wabbit. "That's how traditions begin," said Quantum, "so you start, Commander Wabbit." "Oh all right," said the Wabbit and he put his paw to his ear in authentic folk fashion and adopted a nasal voice. "All around my hat!" he chanted. "I will wear the green willow," responded Quantum melodically and started a background music track. "All around my hat, for a twelve month and a day," sang Lapinette. "And if anyone should ask me," sang Skratch. "The reason why I'm wearing it," added Ghost Bunny. And then they all joined together and sang with gusto. "It's all for my True Love who is far far away!" And across billions of galaxies, trillions of light years away from the Sombrero Galaxy, space travellers picked up a strange signal on sub space communications. It was the sound of merry singing. And soon, over the vast universe, everyone was singing that self same song.

7. The Wabbit and the Quantum Airlift

Ghost Bunny was already aboard Quantum the Time Travelling Train and the rest of the gang could feel the effect of Quantum's powerful engines. But the Ice Mice had no choice. They were drawn aboard as if compelled to travel. Quantum started to shudder and shake. "All aboard, all aboard!" shouted the Wabbit. "Please have your travel documents ready," shouted Skratch. "No liquids, no lighters, no plastic forks," shouted Lapinette. Quantum's shaking stopped and the train began to hum in an increasingly strange tone. "This is your Captain speaking," intoned Ghost Bunny over the loudspeakers. "In the unlikely event of being frozen in a different dimension, please use the oxygen masks and sick bags provided." The gang could hear a muted chattering. "I guess the Ice Mice just picked the wrong train," said Skratch. "What time is it?" asked Lapinette of the Wabbit. "Six five," he said, "and the station is a shakin'." "Shall we then board?" said Lapinette. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," said Skratch. Ghost Bunny slid back the cabin door and they all lurched on. The Wabbit looked around. "Quantum, we meet again," he said. "Commander," said Quantum. "Welcome aboard. Our destination is Galaxy T104. Ghost Bunny has already walked around." "I haunted round and all is well," said Ghost Bunny, handing the Wabbit a sheaf of paperwork. "OK," said the Wabbit and he hopped on the footplate. "Out and up, Quantum. Nice and easy." There was a sudden shudder, then a flash and all that remained was a faint smell of engine shavings.

6. The Wabbit and the Emergency Plan

The Wabbit watched as Ghost Bunny's Processor crushed the Ice Mice, but he was not expecting a vast number of small Ice Mice to swarm towards them. "Plan?" shouted Lapinette. "Run!" shouted the Wabbit. In a flurry of paws and fur, they shot along the Walkway with speed. But the Ice Mice were everywhere - as far back as their eyes could see. "Ghost Bunny!" panted the Wabbit. "Yes Commander," breathed Ghost Bunny. "Can you haunt ahead and prepare Quantum the Time Travelling Train?" yelled the Wabbit, shaking off a voracious Ice Mouse from his rear leg. "On my way," shouted Ghost Bunny and she shimmered and vanished. Keeping just ahead, the three puffed and huffed and hopped along the ramp, except for Skratch who was a cat. "It's like the Pied Piper of Hamleys!" yelled the Wabbit. "Hornby!" corrected Skratch. "Hamelin!" shouted Lapinette. "I never got the point of that story," huffed the Wabbit. "Did the rats vanish?" "Oh yes," panted Lapinette. "and everyone else too. No-one was ever seen again." "I want to be seen again," gasped the Wabbit. "Then where are you sending them?" asked Lapinette. "Far, far away," said the Wabbit. "Far is good," said Lapinette, glancing behind her. "They're going to Galaxy M104, 28 million light years as the crow warps," shouted the Wabbit. "Not the Sombrero Galaxy?" gasped Skratch. "Yes," yelled the Wabbit, "but keep it under your hat."

5, The Wabbit and the Big Crossbow

"Where did you get a giant crossbow?" asked the Wabbit. "Requisition!" said both Lapinette and Ghost Bunny at once. The Wabbit was none the wiser but ploughed on. "Won't the Ice Mice notice the Crossbow?" he asked. "Oh yes, that's half the fun," said Ghost Bunny. "They'll see it but they won't believe it." Everyone nodded and looked the Crossbow up and down. "All right, let's see if we have this corrrect," interrupted the Wabbit. "Ghost Bunny, the Cooling Tower has been modified into a Quantum Compressor?" "Crushedy, crushedy," said Ghost Bunny. Lapinette thought that Ghost Bunny was definitely spending too much time with the Wabbit. "The craft are dawn inexorably into the Cooling Tower and we lob these disks in after them," she said. "What's in the disks now?" asked the Wabbit. "Soot," said Ghost Bunny. "We're very low-tech today," observed the Wabbit. "Retro, Commander," replied Ghost Bunny. "but their weapons will become ineffective." "And the mice?" asked the Wabbit. "Small," said Ghost Bunny. "Tiny," said Lapinette. "Miniscule?" suggested the Wabbit. "No, not that small," said Lapinette. "And then what do we do?" said the Wabbit. "I don't know, that's your department," said Lapinette. "Recycle?" said Ghost Bunny. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we'll let the fellows at the recycling plant sort it out." "No Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette. "We'll send them back from whence they came!" "What's their address?" asked the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Secret Meeting

The Wabbit gathered with his close associates in a secret location to discuss the peril of the Ice Mice. "OK everyone," said the Wabbit. For a while he poked the stolen disk with a collapsible mono pod that he kept in his fur. "Ghost Bunny! What do you hear? What do you say?" rapped the Wabbit suddenly. "Don't poke the disk, Wabbit. It's a weather weapon," murmured Ghost Bunny in the Wabbit's ear. "You don't say?" said the Wabbit, rolling the disk back and forward. "Wabbit, that is an Active Ice Underground Tool - or AIUTO if you will," explained Ghost Bunny. "Help!" smiled Lapinette. "Got it!" said the Wabbit. "Look Skratch, these flying saucers. What's the word in the Turin porticos and pasticceri?" "They think a film crew is making a movie," said Skratch quickly. "There's a rumour that it's called the Italian Job in Space." "I hate remakes," said the Wabbit. Everyone shook their heads sadly. "Now Lapinette," said the Wabbit. "I need good ideas quickly." "Give them a taste of their own weather," said Lapinette. "and turn their weapons against them." "The disks are rather unstable. It's a bad idea," said Ghost Bunny solemnly. "Has anyone got a worse one?" asked the Wabbit. Everyone looked puzzled and in the confusion the Wabbit took the opportunity to enforce his choice. "We'll run with Lapinette's idea," he said. "Ghost Bunny, I need reverse disks and plenty of them." "Right away, Commander," sighed Ghost Bunny.  "When do we start?" said Lapinette. "Immediately," said the Wabbit, "weather permitting."

3. The Wabbit gets some Help

The Wabbit avoided the fire from the air and made it to the heart of the city, but still the strange craft of the Ice Mice hovered high above and the Wabbit could plainly be seen through the gaps made by public works. "Accursed developers!" muttered the Wabbit and he made for the back of the Big New Station. But he could hear a familiar voice above the sounds of the city. "Wabbit! Over here, Wabbit!" The Wabbit glanced round and caught whatever was spiraling towards him. He didn't quite remember taking aim and he certainly doesn't recall squeezing the trigger. But there was a blast of such magnitude that windows in nearby buildings shook themselves from their frames and crashed to the ground. When the explosion died away, there was a dead silence and then with an awful creaking, the craft slowly tilted and sank from the sky. The Wabbit looked at Skratch. "I'm glad to see you my friend. New coat?" he smiled. "Your requisition," said Skratch. "Really? said the Wabbit, who had indeed signed the paperwork without optimism. "And the Snaser?" he asked, stroking it. "Improved," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit. Skratch grinned a big grin but then frowned. "What about these interlopers?" he asked, pointing a wary paw to the sky. The Wabbit saw five more vessels headed their way. "Do you know something Skratch?" he said. Skratch tilted his head enquiringly. "Just for a moment there I thought we were in trouble." said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit stays on the Road

With the strange craft behind him, the Wabbit took off at speed. He knew the terrain but the craft had the advantage of height and could see everywhere the Wabbit went. So the Wabbit thought he may as well keep to the road and he dodged right and left to avoid the crackling beams that threatened to slice through his fur. "Keep right on to the end of the road," hummed the Wabbit to give himself company. It seemed to work, and he was able to quicken his pace and hum some more. "Though your heart be strong and the road be long, keep right on round the bend!" he hummed. The beams looked hot from a distance but when they came close the Wabbit felt an icy chill and he shivered. "I need to find cover and lose this annoying fellow," thought the Wabbit. "Cover, cover, cover. Where, where, where?" he asked himself. At the same time, the Wabbit was wondering why the Ice Mice had returned so close to his location. On their last encounter he and Ghost Bunny had given them a trouncing that they no doubt remembered. But there was something else. It was such an obvious something else that it completely eluded him. The Wabbit shoved this thought to the back of his mind, which was fairly capacious. "This is too countrified," thought the Wabbit. "I need the nooks and crannies of the city." "And controlled air space," said a voice from the back of his mind. The Wabbit made a left turn and headed for the depths of the city where he knew he belonged.

1. The Wabbit & the Return of the Ice Mice

It was only by chance that the Wabbit was passing the Old Abandoned Laundry. He had just popped through the derelict gates to see if there was anything to see, when a shadow passed over him and he looked up to see a familiar craft. "Ice Mice!" he hissed and he crouched behind an old rusty tank. "I thought they had departed for a distant galaxy," mused the Wabbit. The Ice Mice either didn't see the Wabbit or ignored him, because they were intent on their task. They worked industriously to harvest the disks that fell from their craft and then bore them around with feverish haste. The Wabbit tried to work out what the disks were. They glowed, but not always. Some were bigger, some smaller. Some seemed heavier than others and they all made a sonorous ringing if dropped. The Wabbit could do little on his own, but he saw that one disk had rolled close and he wondered if he could reach it. He stretched and stretched - but it was just out of his grasp and when he nearly had it in his paw, it rolled slightly further way. "Accursed thing!" muttered the Wabbit under his breath. But under his breath was not low enough for the sharp ears of one Ice Mouse and it looked over at the Wabbit and squealed. All the Ice Mice turned to look. "Time to go!" thought the Wabbit and he grabbed the disk, tucked it into his fur and loped for the gate. The Wabbit outpaced the Ice Mice easily, but from the corner of his eye he could see the strange craft close its bay doors and move in his direction.

The Wabbit and the Shopping Joke

"Why are we here?" asked Lapinette." "We're shopping," said the Wabbit. "What on earth for?" asked Lapinette. "I'm not exactly sure. I'll know it when I see it," replied the Wabbit. "This shop is full of not very useful things," said Lapinette. "Ah," said the Wabbit with a look that he adopted when he thought he knew better than everyone else. "They don't look useful now but later we might need something that we didn't buy when we had the opportunity." "Like what?" scoffed Lapinette. "Small bags of unusual dimensions," said the Wabbit. "And things for removing things from other things." "Which would then fit into an unusually shaped bag?" suggested Lapinette. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. Silence fell, but not for long. "I haven't forgotten that shopping remark," said Lapinette. "Oh, which one? I've quite lost track," said the Wabbit, knowing what was coming next. "When we were in the supermarket about to fight those dangerous GM Skarrots," said Lapinette, "you went off and said that I should shop while I waited for you to come back." "That was a complimentary reference to your marvellous ability to multi-task," said the Wabbit, hoping for the best. "Well, I'd like to see you shop and fight off the wicked Agents of Rabit at the same time," said Lapinette. "No problem," said the Wabbit. "Well what would you shop for?" said Lapinette. "Bullets!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and his Thoughts

The three were in contemplative mood as they stopped on the stairs on the way home from a restaurant. Lapinette was thinking. She knew that the Wabbit adored Ghost Bunny and that his adoration was reciprocated. But she had no particular worries on that score because she knew the Wabbit and all his ways rather well. She knew that she tolerated many of the Wabbit's wilder idiosyncrasies, because she loved him and that was that. No-one else could know the Wabbit like Lapinette and so Lapinette smiled a satisfied smile. At the same time Ghost Bunny was also thinking. She knew that Lapinette knew she adored the Wabbit. But at the same time, Ghost Bunny was completely in awe of Lapinette. Ghost Bunny knew her own education and experience was at least the equal of Lapinette's. But even with Ghost Bunny's specialisation in Lacanian psychoanalysis, Lapinette represented something lovely to her that she couldn't quite fathom. Both quietly smiled to themselves. The Wabbit was also gently musing to himself but of all these thoughts he was blissfully unaware. In the depths of the Wabbit's imagination, Ghost Bunny and Lapinette had been locked in a staring competition for 48 hours. Neither would give up and their eyes were unflinching. The Wabbit let his mind drift and as it wandered, he saw himself creeping up quietly and unseen behind both of them. But just as he was about to burst a large paper bag, a voice shattered his reverie. "What are you thinking?" said Lapinette. "Nothing!" uttered the Wabbit. 

The Wabbits and the Mayday Fur

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette had been sent on a special mission far away. Their role was to offer help and support to everyone involved in the fight against cruel fur farming. The day was wet and cold when they arrived outside the Ministry of Agriculture. But even though they shivered in the wind, their hearts were warm so they didn't care. "Shouldn't we shout slogans?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit could only think of old ones from the old days. "¡No Pasarán!" he shouted. "That's over and done with," said Lapinette. "I rather doubt that," said the Wabbit. "What about ... fur belongs to the animal who wore it first?" said Lapinette. "That's very nice but hardly snappy," said the Wabbit and he had a good think. "I've got one," he said suddenly. "The stage is yours," said Lapinette. "There's no excuse!" shouted the Wabbit. "For animal abuse!" yelled Lapinette. They shouted the slogan back and forward, but after a while they needed a change. "Farmed fur doesn't keep you warm," shouted the Wabbit. "Give a hoot, give fur the boot," yelled Lapinette. "Oh, I do like that one," said the Wabbit and he stamped on the ground. "No-one really needs a fur coat," said Lapinette, "except wabbits and other animals." "Leonardo da Vinci would have agreed," said the Wabbit who had been reading up. "He may have been the first animal rights activist." What about St Francis of Assisi?" said Lapinette. "Leonardo has the edge," grinned the Wabbit. "Hoppy Mayday everyone!" smiled Lapinette.
[The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette ask Simon Coveney TD, Ireland Minister for Agriculture, to follow the lead of Scotland, Wales, England, Austria and Croatia in banning fur farming.]

The Wabbit and the Wyatt Earp Snail

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had ordered three carrot aperitivi because Big Blue Snail was going to drop by for the customary after-adventure meeting. "Howdy folks!" said Snail. "You're new in town ain't ya?" "No we're not," said the Wabbit, "we're very old in town." Lapinette knew Snail wanted to play, so she frowned at the Wabbit and played along. "You've got big broad shoulders Marshall Snail, but it'll take more than shoulders to clean up the town," she said. Suddenly the Wabbit got it and started to drawl. "This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere, Marshall, it don't matter none whether it's clean." Snail snorted and his hat balanced precariously on his antennae. "How does a Snail get to be a Marshall anyhows?" said Lapinette. "A Snail's gotta stop sliding around," said Snail. "A Snail's gotta stay in one place and protect his roots." The Wabbit smiled at Snail and turned to Lapinette. "What time is it lady?" he asked. "About ten past three," she replied. "Then where's the three ten to Youghal?" said the Wabbit. "Runnin' late I suppose," said Lapinette. "Silly trains," said the Wabbit, "you can't rely on 'em." By this time Lapinette felt she had more than enough. "I'm not going to ask what kind of adventure it was," she said suddenly. "No," said the Wabbit. "Every time Snail joins an adventure, it's a Western." "Nothing's too good for the Snail that nailed the Skarrots," smiled Lapinette. "You can say that again," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbits round 'em Up

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette herded the greened Skarrots safely into an enclosure and breathed a sigh of relief. "No more GM monster Skarrots," said the Wabbit. "Carrots are now safely nutritious for all," said Snail, who liked a well-cultivated carrot or two. "How shall we proceed?" asked Lapinette. "No recent orders," said the Wabbit, "so there’s only one thing to do." "What’s that?" asked Snail. The Wabbit swung his whip twice. It snapped and cracked in the air and the Skarrots cringed back. "Move them, move them, move them," he sang. "Though we disapprove them," trilled Lapinette in reply. "Keep them Skarrots movin', Rawhide!" bellowed the Wabbit. "Don’t try to comprehend them, just dice and chop and bend 'em," sang Snail, "soon we will herd them out of sight,"  "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on. Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide!" sang the Wabbit. "Cut 'em up, ride 'em in. Ride 'em in, cut 'em up. Cut 'em down, ride 'em in: Rawhide!" sang Lapinette. "Rollin’ rollin’ rollin', strollin' strollin' strollin', " hummed Snail. Lapinette cracked her whip several times then dropped her voice to become more melodic. "All the things we’re missin'," she sang. "Aperitivi, love, and kissin'," sang the Wabbit. "Are waiting at the end of our ride," sang Snail. "Hah!" shouted Lapinette and she cracked her whip again. "Hah!" shouted the Wabbit and he cracked his whip too. "Hah!" shouted Snail, who having no whip to crack, flailed his antennae instead - and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit sees 'em Coming

The gang fell back and while Snail recharged, the Wabbit and Lapinette lay in wait for the Skarrots at the top of the shopping centre escalator. "Maybe they'll be dragged into the stairs," said the Wabbit. "Have you ever known that happen to anyone?" asked Lapinette. "Only once," said the Wabbit. "Who was that?" asked Lapinette. "Me," said the Wabbit and he fiddled with his Snazer gun. "Lucky escape?" asked Lapinette. "Nearly all escalator fatalities are repair technicians," said the Wabbit. "But I was dragged between the combs and it's not good for the fur." "What's it like in there?" asked Lapinette. "Mainly skeletons," smiled the Wabbit. "Look, here comes Snail!" said Lapinette. Snail was crawling under his load of blue slime laser supplies when he saw the Skarrots emerge from the escalator. "Let me at 'em, the little modified devils," cried Snail as he launched a full scale attack on the Skarrots. "He's not the usual Snail with a laser, is he?" said the Wabbit, leaning on his gun. Gradually, Skarrots turned green at the gills as Snail nailed them one by one. "An onion can make you cry, but carrots can't make you laugh," observed Lapinette wryly an she tucked her gun under her arm. "That's something a Wabbit can't run away from," said the Wabbit. "Are you going to do Cowboy quotes all day?" snorted Snail. "I never miss a good chance to shut up," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit at the Supermarket Corral

The Wabbit tossed a Snazer to Lapinette like John Wayne in Rio Bravo and she caught it, spun round and with only one paw fired on the nearest Skarrot. It made a green splodge on an unfortunate place and the Skarrot turned and snarled with bared teeth. "Hey Skarrot!" cried Lapinette," you forgot your pants." The Skarrot let out a terrifying howl and suddenly the supermarket was alive with a criss-cross of orange and blue rays. "What's with the new Snazer, Wabbit?" shouted Lapinette. "Snail made adjustments," the Wabbit shouted back and he hit a Skarrot square on his modified carrot top. Snail kept cover from the rear and Lapinette ducked under the crossfire as the Wabbit sprayed right and left. "Did you get the artichoke tubers?" yelled the Wabbit as he hit another Skarrot. "No, they'd gone orange!" shouted Lapinette and she caught a slower Skarrot on his tapering cone. But the Skarrots seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of carrot ray fuel and the battle raged on and on. "How are we for supplies, Snail?" shouted the Wabbit. "You look like you swallowed a chicken." "I'm well depleted," yelled Snail. So the Wabbit made a decision. "Fall back, fall back!" he shouted. "How do we get into these fights?" yelled Lapinette. "We get bored," answered the Wabbit. "So what about the shopping?" shouted Lapinette, clipping another Skarrot on the root and backing off. "Later!" yelled the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the GM Carrot Crisis

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette followed the Genetically Modified Skarrots to the supermarket, hid behind the peppers and waited. Then they heard a series of whoosh-whoosh sounds and saw orange rays dart into every corner of the vegetable section. "Everything's turning carrot-coloured," said Lapinette. "Keep out of the way of these rays," said the Wabbit, or we'll be orange too." "Yuk!" said Lapinette and flattened herself against the pepper stand. "If we don't stop them, every living thing will become a Skarrot," grunted the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur for anything he could find - because just for the moment he had no idea how to stop the creatures. Lapinette grimaced as a carrot ray sliced past her ear. "They seem very annoyed," said Lapinette. "That's the transgenic bacteria," said the Wabbit. "It makes them mad and spreads like wildfire. And it seems to be colour-based." "You know more than I thought," said Lapinette. "I know too much for my own good," said the Wabbit and he thought for a minute. "What colour turns orange into green?" he asked. "Blue," said Lapinette with a smile. "Big Blue Snail!" said the Wabbit. "I'll get him and my Snazer slime gun. I won't be a minute." "What am I  supposed to do in the mean time?" said Lapinette. "Keep out of their way and pick up some artichoke tubers for dinner," suggested the Wabbit. "You want me to shop?" asked Lapinette. "Blend in," said the Wabbit. "You'll hear more of this," scowled Lapinette. "I know," said the Wabbit. Then he vanished.

3. The Wabbit and the GM Skarrots

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette took a short cut, but somehow the Skarrots managed to evade them. "Look they're over there!" hissed Lapinette and they both took up positions behind a pole and watched as the Skarrots queued for a bus to the city. "Surprising behaviour," said the Wabbit. "They've been coached!" said Lapinette. "Why don't you call it in to the Department, see what they know." The Wabbit got on the blower as he called it, and started muttering things in code. His radio hissed and the Wabbit hit it hard with his paw. "Shhh!" he said. It crackled slightly. "That's better," said the Wabbit and he spoke softly. "Yes, they're getting on the bus now. Yes, yes. Oh yes. No." "What's going on?" whispered Lapinette. "Apparently the plan is to let them go where they're going. Nothing must impede them." "Where are they going?" asked Lapinette. "We''re going to find out," said the Wabbit and shut off his radio. "The driver won't have change for 50 Euro notes," said Lapinette. "Don't worry," said the Wabbit. "I know him and I told him to expect unusuality." "And you'll owe him a dinner I suppose," said Lapinette. "Money well spent," said the Wabbit. "Unusuality isn't a word," said Lapinette. "Yes it is," said the Wabbit. "I bet you dinner it's not," said Lapinette. "OK," said the Wabbit and he smiled a confident smile. "It is a word isn't it?" sighed Lapinette. "Big eats!" grinned the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit & the Horrifying Arrivals

Acting on information received, the Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette slipped into the airport unobserved and, hiding behind a distant carousel, they watched in horror as Genetically Modified carrots poured from the luggage belt. "This carousel is never used," whispered Lapinette. "That’s because it never works," said the Wabbit. "Well it’s working today," said Lapinette. "Do you think the Skarrots will go through customs?" "I don’t think they’re big on passports," said the Wabbit. "Maybe they’ll eat their way through," said Lapinette. The Wabbit started to smile, but then he grimaced. "The things will spread out across the city, foraging," he said. "I suppose they’re not big on restaurants either," said Lapinette. "They’ll start with the customers," said the Wabbit, "and then eat furnishings, crockery and they particularly like to destroy High School Musical posters." "That’s in their favour, I suppose," said Lapinette sniffily. The Wabbit allowed himself a chortle, but one of the Skarrots turned and they both ducked for cover. "What can stop them?" hissed  Lapinette. "I don’t know yet," said the Wabbit. "Exploding them with C4 only causes them to divide and multiply." "Every enemy has a weak point," murmured Lapinette, thinking of a book she’d been reading." "Did you find that in the Carrot Library?" asked the Wabbit. "No, in the "Day of the Triffids","  said Lapinette. “How do they do it?” asked the Wabbit. "Crop ‘em, chop ‘em and cook ‘em," said Lapinette sweetly.

1. The Wabbit and the Carrot Library

Lapinette clutched her book as if her life depended on it, because she had found some surprising information on Genetically Modified vegetables. The Wabbit emerged from the library and hailed her. "Do come in Lapinette, everything’s laid out for your research," he cried with some glee. "I never knew the Carrot Library existed," said Lapinette. "Oh it’s very new," said the Wabbit. "It’s an independent venture of the Carrot Club." "Of which you are this year’s Grand Daucus,” said Lapinette kindly. The Wabbit bowed gravely. "Who pays for it?" asked Lapinette. "The Carrot Club does, through public subscriptions, private grants and fund raising events," said the Wabbit proudly. "No Department of Wabbit Affairs money then?" said Lapinette slyly. "Not as such," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and inclined her head.  "The Agitprop section has a special books, stationery and apparatus allowance, part of which I cause to arrive here," admitted the Wabbit. Lapinette was used to the Wabbit’s unorthodox, yet somehow fair budget adjustments. "Did you find the Skarrot locator device?" she ventured.  "I did," said the Wabbit. "It can identify any rogue carrot within a distance of 400 kilometres." "What constitutes a rogue carrot exactly?" said Lapinette. "Arms, legs, eyes, bared teeth and a voracious appetite," said the Wabbit. "What do they eat?" said Lapinette. "Everything that gets in their way," said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit Accessorises

The Wabbit was waiting for Lapinette when she came hopping down the shop stairs. "Look what I found!" she cried. "Excellent!" said the Wabbit, automatically. "What have you been doing?" The Wabbit knew quite well what Lapinette had been doing, but he thought he'd better ask anyway. "I've been accessorising!" said Lapinette unexpectedly. The Wabbit could think of only two kinds of accessory. The first, you bolted onto other things and the second, you plugged in to something else. The Wabbit knew that in both cases, it gave the object concerned some extra functions. "Splendid," said the Wabbit. "That shirt looks a bit Tyrolean. Are you using it to strategise on the next mission?" "There's a new mission and I didn't hear?" said Lapinette with surprise.  "Well I think it's going to happen," said the Wabbit. "I was reading Carrot World and there are disturbing developments." Lapinette suddenly remembered that this was the Wabbit's year to perform the duties of Grand Daucus for the Carrot Club, so she didn't make any jokes. "Should I visit the armoury?" she asked hesitantly. "That would be wise," said the Wabbit. " Our far-flung outposts have suffered sabotage and wilful damage. Witnesses observed strange colourful creatures that looked like carrots." "Parrots?" said Lapinette. to make sure she'd heard properly. "Reports have to be verified," said the Wabbit, "but they're calling them Skarrots and you wouldn't want to run into them by accident!" Lapinette looked at the Wabbit with a questioning look. "They Meet and Eat," he said.

The Wabbits & the Intermission Band

"Perhaps the band might help us with our Autism appeal?" suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit merely turned and shouted, "Baião rhythm, 2/4 time!" The band complained good-naturedly about the change in tempo but nevertheless set up a driving beat and a "Too! ta-too, Too! ta-too," echoed round the buildings. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and sang. “You, to me. Are sweet as roses in the morning." Lapinette looked back and sang in answer. "And you to me, are soft as summer rain at dawn. In love, we share that something rare." She stopped for an impossible instant and came in loud and late on the next line. "The sidewalks in the street!" Then they put their heads together, and  both sang. "The concrete and the clay beneath our feet, begins to crumble. But love will never die. Because we'll see the mountains tumble. Before we say goodbye." Now it was the Wabbit’s turn. "My love. And I. Will be in love eternally. That's the way. Mmm, that`s the way it's meant to be." Then the band joined in. "The sidewalks in the street! The concrete and the clay beneath our feet begins to crumble. But love will never die. Because we'll see the mountains tumble. Before we say goodbye." "Mmmm," sang the Wabbit. "That’s the way it’s meant to be," sang Lapinette. There was a smattering of applause from passers by. "Now you hop round and collect money for Autism," said the Wabbit. "Why me?" asked Lapinette. "You’ll get more than me," said the Wabbit. "I will?" queried Lapinette. "Trust me," said the Wabbit.


The featured autism organisation for this adventure is http://www.autism-society.org/get-involved/state-resources/wyoming.html

The Wabbits stop for Refreshments

Instead of materialising at home, the gang found themselves sitting in a hotel garden. The Wabbit looked at the Moto Snails with a gleam in his eye. "While you were carousing around, bringing down governments, we were looking for a suitable hostelry," said Mo. "We got a special price," said To. "We beat 'em down," said Mo. "Then aperitivi all round," smiled Lapinette. "I'll drink to that!" said Pio the Puppet. "You don't have to have a carrot aperitivo, Pio," said Lapinette, "what would you like?" "I'll have ..." said Pio, thinking furiously, "a Tomfooleries' 007" "What's that?" asked Lapinette. "I know," said the Wabbit. Everyone turned to look at him curiously. "Rum, orange juice and a splash of Sprite," he smiled. Everyone stared at the Wabbit, waiting for more information. "Named for a song by Desmond Dekker," said the Wabbit. No one flinched or said a word. "The rudeboys go wail, cause them out of jail," explained the Wabbit. "Them a loot, them a shoot, them a wail," he continued. This met with absolute silence. "Them on probation now," said the Wabbit finally. Everyone sighed a long sigh. "Serve 'em right," said Lapinette. Mo giggled. The Wabbit wished he'd kept his mouth shut and tried to hide his embarrassment with a question. "Pio, what kind of adventure would you say that was?" he asked, as he usually did. "Espionage thriller," said Pio. "Wabbit Spooks," said To. "I'd like to bring down a government," said Mo. "How would you replace it?" said To cautiously. "No government," shrugged Mo. Pio laughed and cracked his knuckles. "There's no government like No Government!" he grinned. And they all laughed and laughed and laughed.

7. The Wabbit takes a Passenger

 

"Hop on Pio" said the Wabbit "You're coming with us!" "I rather think I'd better," murmured Pio, who had sprained his puppet ankle in the scuffle by kicking a puppet who got in his way. It was a puppet who had trodden on Pio's toes on more than one occasion and Pio had taken reprisals on the way out. "What kind of economist are you, Pio?" asked the Wabbit, who received an economic review every month. "I am a follower of Michal Kalecki," said Pio solemnly. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "he plays a kind of rhythm and blues jazz on a Hammond B-3 organ." "Wabbit! You know quite well that's Vojtek Karolak!" said Lapinette, who had been raiding the Wabbit's extensive but eclectic jazz collection. "Is he always like this?" asked Pio of Lapinette. "You'll get used to it," said Lapinette. "Is Snail travel proven safe?" said Pio. "That would be no fun at at all," said Mo with relish. "We have Advanced Fuzzy Traction," said To. "Excellent. I have futures in that," said Pio and he settled back in comfort. "How many Machs would you like the Snails to travel?" said the Wabbit. "Eight hundred and eighty one thousand please," said Pio, thinking of his investment. "I think I need to do more work in the shed for the speed of light," grimaced the Wabbit, "and a new budget line."  "No need," said Mo. And this time there was no boom. It was more of a quiet whoosh and the MoTo Snails and their passengers warped to a tiny dot and vanished.

6. The Wabbit brings down the House

Lapinette turned on a camera and the Wabbit swam into sight on the big screen. "Puppets!" he commanded. "Listen! Now you have a choice!" The Puppets stared at the Wabbit and they shifted uneasily. "Rise!" shouted the Wabbit. "Rise like puppets woke by thunder!" Lapinette clashed two cymbals together and everyone jumped and gave the Wabbit time to think of the next line. "In unconquerable number!" he cried.  There was as snapping noise from the back of the House, followed by others. "Snap your strings like crusty glue, that day by day attached to you!" rhymed the Wabbit. A ripple passed through the puppets like a Mexican Wave. The Wabbit thought furiously. "You're solo puppets through and through!" he bellowed. No-one really knows who threw the first punch. Perhaps no one ever will. But the Wabbit thought he caught sight of Pio's jacket and a light grinned from one of his 28 teeth. The House dissolved into a flurry of puppet limbs and severed strings and all was chaos. "Lets get out of here," said Lapinette and she propelled the Wabbit down the stairs to the door. "Where on earth did you get that poem?" "I borrowed it," gasped the Wabbit, "I took it from Shelley." "Not the Masque of Anarchy?" said Lapinette. "Well, did it work?" demanded the Wabbit. "It worked," sighed Lapinette. "It always does," smiled the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit takes Over

Suddenly the chamber filled with puppets who listened automatically to a tinny but familiar voice from hidden loudspeakers. "I recognise that Agent chatter," murmured the Wabbit.  "Shhh," said Lapinette, "it will soon be time to move." The Voice was glib and certain and it continued smugly. "All voting on Regulation 207/4, hyper-genetic carrots, draw close and prepare to vote the usual way." The Wabbit winked at Pio. "Wait for it," Lapinette frowned. Pio nodded and then cracked his knuckles. All the puppets glanced in Pio’s direction and their arms twitched slightly. The loudspeaker crackled again. "In the introduction of designer GM carrots with anti-wabbit vaccine, all vote "Yes"." But nothing happened and everything was still. The puppets looked at each other and jingled the Wabbit’s coins in their pockets. "It therefore passes into statute, nem con" hissed the furious Voice. “No!” shouted the Wabbit. The puppets froze. “Under the rules of the House, I abstain!” he yelled. “So do I!” said Lapinette and as they both raised their voting arms a forest of abstaining arms rose behind them. "No confidence in the House!" shouted the Wabbit and he flung his fake voting arm on the floor. "No confidence, no confidence, no confidence," repeated the puppets until their voices reached a crescendo that rattled the windows. The Wabbit grinned and hopped forward to glare at the place the voice was coming from. "I challenge the House, the assembly is mine," he yelled and turned to the puppets. "Who's in charge?" he shouted. "Wabbit!" they yelled back. 

4. The Wabbit seeks Advice

The Wabbit drew his contact aside to ask a private but pertinent question. "Pray tell me your name," said the Wabbit smiling a special diplomatic smile. "I am Pio Pulcinella!" said the Puppet, "how may I assist you?" "You are a political and economic puppet," whispered the Wabbit confidentially. "And I'm at your service," said Pio. "It's about my lists of priorities," said the Wabbit. Pio nodded. "Tell me more," he urged. "I keep adding to my lists and they get longer," said the Wabbit. "How are they organised?" asked Pio. "Randomly," said the Wabbit brightly. "That's not too unusual," said Pio. "so tell me which is your most important list and which is your longest?" "That's easy," said the Wabbit, "because they're one and the same list," "What's your name for that list," said Pio patiently. "Miscellaneous," said the Wabbit. Pio shook his head and thought for a while. Then he snapped his fingers. "What then" he asked," is the item at the very top of that list?" "Organising my lists," said the Wabbit. Pio Pulcinella leaned back with satisfaction and cracked his knuckles. "You have a knapsack problem," he said. "I do?" said the Wabbit. "And there is a knapsack solution," said Pio. "Do tell," said the Wabbit sceptically, since he had an overflowing knapsack at home and that was on one of his lists. "Only so much can go in your knapsack," said Pio, "so get rid of what you don't need." "I'm uncertain about what I don't need," said the Wabbit. "I have a computer programme for uncertainty," smiled Pio.

3. The Wabbit & the Puppet Parliament

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette were speedily shown to the debating chamber of the Big Parliament and they scampered up the stairs to the sound of considerable moaning from the Wabbit. "I don’t like this costume," complained the Wabbit. "You’re meant to blend in - you’re undercover," whispered Lapinette. The Wabbit scowled. "When I’m undercover," he said ponderously, "I like to sell newspapers, not be a newspaper." Then the Wabbit thought for a bit and decided he hadn't quite exhausted the topic, so he continued. "Besides, I rustle too much and by the way, I’m creased," he grumbled. "I think it’s rather fitting you’re a crossword," said Lapinette. "Oh look, there’s our contact. Do you think he’s done what we asked?" "Well we gave him plenty of coins, I can hear him jingling," said the Wabbit, shifting his ears and thinking some more. "Lap, Are you certain the plan will work?" he whispered. "Of course," said Lapinette. "After the Big Vote, there will be complete confusion and a power vacuum will follow." "What then?" asked the Wabbit, thinking of a vacuum cleaner. "Just hop in and fill it," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened considerably as he imagined himself as a massive cyclonic separator. Lapinette kept quiet since knew that the Wabbit was given to flights of fancy and she was cute enough to humour him. "Please hop this way," said their puppet contact. The Wabbit raised his paws one by one as if they were pulled by strings. “Hoppy to oblige,” smiled the Wabbit.