8. The Wabbit and the duff Jukebox

The Wabbit was disgruntled. "What's this for a sort of restaurant?" he asked Lapinette. "It's what was open," said Lapinette, "but there's no-one here." "I'm not entirely surprised," said the Wabbit. For a while he hopped around looking for a waiter. "Hello hello!" he cried," but there was simply no answer. "Perhaps they've all gone for a break," said Lapinette. "Hmmph," said the Wabbit, "what's on the juke box?" Lapinette had a good long look. "Nothing you'd like," she said. "There must be something," said the Wabbit. "I don't think so!" said Lapinette sharply. "Try me," said the Wabbit. "Una Paloma Blanca?" suggested Lapinette. "Yikes!" said the Wabbit and his fur stood on end. Lapinette studied the play list again. "Vamos a la Playa perhaps?" she asked. "Baila baila ho!" groaned the Wabbit and slapped his head with a paw. "Tie me Kangaroo Down by Rolf Harris, Cha Cha Cha version," said Lapinette. "I don't think I have any C4 explosive left," said the Wabbit. "Found one!" said Lapinette. "Lets have it," said the Wabbit. "It's Charlie Drake," announced Lapinette as she dropped an emergency coin into the slot. "Oom yacka wurka. Oom yacka wurka," chanted the Wabbit and he beat his paws on the table to the music. "Lets get out of here," said Lapinette, "I know somewhere else." "I'm a big disgrace t' the Waborigine race," sang the Wabbit. "Your boomerang won't come back!" sighed Lapinette as she dragged the Wabbit away.

7. The Wabbit throws out a Line

The Wabbit fastened his rope to the castle battlements and suddenly disappeared. Lapinette looked over the edge. "Over here," shouted the Wabbit and he pulled the rope taut. "Just slide down," he called. Lapinette shook her ears. "Just slide down," she muttered. She grasped the rope firmly, swung her legs over the wall and pushed herself off. For a minute she just hung there, swinging backwards and forwards. "What are you doing?" shouted the Wabbit. "It's a great view," Lapinette called out. "This isn't the Big Wheel," shouted the Wabbit. "Here I come!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit heard a whizzing sound and a yodelling as Lapinette zipped down the rope with enormous speed and made a perfect landing. "Where did you learn that?" said the Wabbit. "The Alps," said Lapinette. The Wabbit rubbed his fingers, which were stinging, and flicked the rope. It came tumbling down the battlements to the courtyard where the Wabbit pounced on it and coiled it up. "What did you fasten it with?" asked Lapinette. " Duck tape," said the Wabbit. Lapinette covered her eyes with her paws. "Works every time," said the Wabbit and he stuck a bit of tape to the rough castle wall. The duck tape peeled off and fell to the ground. "Nearly every time," said the Wabbit.

6. The Wabbit scales the Heights

The castle was dim in the moonless night as the Wabbit climbed to the roof. "Hard work, hard work" puffed the Wabbit as he reached the top and put his rope down. He was just thinking about a short rest when he heard a sharp whack. The Wabbit dodged as a Skuttle whizzed past his head. He peered over the roof and saw Lapinette's foot blur. With a piercing squeal, another Skuttle somersaulted to the courtyard below. "Something in the air tonight?" quipped the Wabbit and he sat back for a better view.  Lapinette jumped and quickly disposed of smaller Skuttle. "Relax your paw a bit and let it go heavy," advised the Wabbit and studied a book that he kept in his fur. Lapinette kicked one more Skuttle and pushed yet another from the roof.  "Shall I make you a salad sandwich?" asked Lapinette with sarcasm as she whirled around. "I only just had a snack," said the Wabbit in a matter-of-fact voice. "Do you need a helping paw?" "Oh, I'm quite happy," said Lapinette, "but where are the other Skuttles?" "Having a signature cocktail," replied the Wabbit. Suddenly there was a boom and the whole castle shuddered. Lapinette stamped on the last Skuttle and turned questioningly to the Wabbit. "Indigestion?" said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit Looks On

Skratch, the Wabbit and Robot started to call out to the Skuttles and their voices echoed through the dank corridors of the castle. "We're drinking ripe red wine," shouted the Wabbit. "Barbera d'Asti 2003," yelled Skratch. "And we're eating biscuits and cheese," droned Robot electronically. "Lovely biscuits to dip in the wine," shouted the Wabbit. "The delicious and tasty red wine," sighed Skratch. Then they waited silently on the ledge above the passage. They waited for quite a while. "Do you think they heard us?" asked Skratch. "Shhh," said the Wabbit. Then suddenly and without warning, the Skuttles came tumbling round the corner of the passageway and headed in the direction of the cellar. They bounced from the walls and whirled around and sang in a low musical tone. "Red red wine, red red wine," was all the Wabbit could hear and the sound got louder and louder until the passage boomed and shook. The scampering of Skuttle feet began to drown out everything else as they kept coming and coming. More and more creatures piled down the slope to the cellar and they tripped and fell over each other until the passage was a yellow carpet of Skuttles. The Wabbit clapped his paws with glee and turned to Robot. "What was that about biscuits?" he asked. "I made that up," said Robot. The Wabbit's stomach rumbled. "Now I'm hungry," said the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit prepares a Surprise

Following Ghost Bunny's report, the Wabbit was taking no chances. Together with Skratch and Robot, and a vast amount of equipment, he crept into a secret cellar in the bowels of the strange Castle. "What wine did you get, Skratch?" asked the Wabbit. "Barbera d'Asti, of course," said Skratch. "What year?" said the Wabbit. "2003," said Skratch. "Skuttles like their wine and we'll make sure they know its a good one," said the Wabbit, "so they rush headlong into our trap!" "They just like to knock it back" said Skratch. "Let's not underestimate our enemy," said the Wabbit. "You brought enough munitions to blow up the castle," said Skratch. "Hardly," said the Wabbit." "Don't blow up the castle, Wabbit. It's only a diversion." yelled Skratch. "How thick are the walls, Robot?" asked the Wabbit. "Eight metres," said Robot. "The walls will easily withstand the blast but I cannot vouch for Skuttles." "Hah!" said the Wabbit, "while the Skuttles rush to drink the wine, we shall extract Lapinette and then ..."  "I heard that the Skuttles could survive a nuclear explosion," interrupted Skratch. "They won't survive what I put in the wine," said the Wabbit. "Wabbit, what did you put in the wine?" groaned Skratch. "A little cocktail of my own. Odourless and lethal." said the Wabbit. "What is it?" asked Skratch "It's a Born Secret," smiled the Wabbit.

3. Lovely Lapinette and the Castle

Ghost Bunny flew across the city with the Wabbits instructions in mind. She hadn't long expanded her square search pattern when she saw something interesting. "Investigating red light to my port side," she mused in a nautical terminology she had learned from the Wabbit.  Down by the river she saw a strange castle and at the top of the castle she noticed a figure aiming a red laser beam high into the sky. Ghost Bunny circled cautiously. It was definitely Lapinette, but below her there were scores of Skuttle guards drinking red wine. Ghost Bunny listened carefully to their chanting, "Red red wine, make us feel so fine, monkey pack him rizla pon de sweet dep line," they sang and wobbled unsteadily. Ghost Bunny, who had been introduced to reggae by the Wabbit, smiled craftily because she knew the Skuttles were very near to complete collapse. She soared straight down the laser beam to a waiting Lapinette. "That didn't take long," said Lapinette. "The Wabbit initiated a square search pattern,". said Ghost Bunny. "Did he talk about port and starboard?" asked Lapinette. "At length," said Ghost Bunny, Lapinette smiled. "It  worked," she said. "How shall we extract you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "I have a plan," said Lapinette," so pin back your ears and listen." Ghost Bunny listened attentively until Lapinette had finished. "I see," said Ghost Bunny, "it's all about wine and trickery."

2. The Wabbit gather his Forces

The friends gathered in a street by the market for a briefing by the Wabbit. "OK, listen up," he shouted. "What do we know about Skuttles?" "They like copious quantities of wine," said Snail. "They sing when drunk, but otherwise chatter menacingly," added Ghost Bunny. "What do you know, Wabbit?" asked Skratch. "Well," said the Wabbit. "They're unpredictable." "Not much then," said Skratch. The Wabbit rattled the gun he and Snail built in a shed. "I know Lapinette," said the Wabbit. "She will let us know where she is." "How?" said Puma. "She will leave a trail or make a sign," said the Wabbit. "Puma, prowl around and sniff out trails and signs. Skratch, hit the streets for information." "What about me?" asked Robot. "Compute all likely events and make a list." said the Wabbit. "Instantly!" said Robot. "Snail,  no-one ever sees you for some reason. So spy around," said the Wabbit. "Truly excellent," said Snail and waved his antennae. "Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit, "Conduct an expanded square search. Downwind one mile, alter 90 degrees starboard, go one mile and repeat, adding a mile each time" "Lapinette isn't lost at sea, Commander," said Franco. "Same principle," said the Wabbit. "And what about Franco?" asked Ghost Bunny. "He will coordinate and I will co-ordinate Franco." replied the Wabbit. "So why do you need the gun?" said Skratch. "I like it," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and an Unexpected Incident

"Say it with flowers," said the Wabbit to himself as he passed the flower kiosk. He had decided that Lapinette would appreciate some seasonal blooms and he studied all the plants and flowers with interest. "I wish I knew more about botany," he murmured. The Wabbit tended to choose flowers by colours and correspondingly he had found a list which categorised plants by colour. Green presented a considerable difficulty in this regard, so had divided green into all the different shades that existed. He particularly liked Army Green and Jungle Green, but shopkeepers were nonplussed when he asked for them. So he took pity and was asking for Fern Green when he heard a chattering noise and smelled a vaguely familiar odour of wine. Then there was a clattering of boxes and a strange commotion from behind him made his head turn. Bananas were flying everywhere and to his horror he saw Lapinette being dragged into the back of a grocer's van. "Skuttles!" shouted the Wabbit. He hopped furiously towards the vehicle but it took off into the busy traffic and sped off. "I thought they only drove by night." muttered the Wabbit. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He knew that Lapinette would have a plan and wouldn't stay captured for long if she could help it. And she would expect him to know what her plan would be. So he abandoned his greenery and as he hopped across the market place to gather support, he tried desperately to think like Lapinette. "My brain hurts," thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's after Adventure Dinner

The Wabbit and Lapinette met at La Rivetta, Lapinette's most favouritist restaurant in all of Fregene. The Wabbit insisted on sitting next to the fire to warm his fur and he was eager to discuss their most recent adventure. "What kind of adventure was that?" said Lapinette with a smile and then she waited. The Wabbit leaned back on his chair and adopted a nonchalant air. "It was a kind of surreal road movie," he said, "which was all about the vehicle." "Too right," said Fuoristrada from outside the window. "You didn't leave much of that balloon," said Lapinette. "He needed a waaahmbulance!" laughed the Wabbit and he made a siren sound. They both laughed and laughed. "What do think they say about me in their Village?" said the Wabbit. "They probably call you "That Wabbit"," said Lapinette. "Oh really?" mused the Wabbit, "how so?" "Well, that's what they call you at the Department," said Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "I'm pleased to be acknowledged," he said, "I expect Fuoristrada's fuel was a legitimate expense." "Do you have all the receipts?" said Lapinette. "Yes indeed," said the Wabbit, "even for the carrot aperitivo." "The Department won't reimburse aperitivi," said Lapinette, "or things you already keep in your fur." "What about the explosive?" asked the Wabbit. "I suggest you don't mention it," said Lapinette, "did you really need all that C4?" "You can never have enough C4," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit is not a Number

Whoever was controlling the balloons seemed to realise what the Wabbit had in store. The balloons retreated and the Wabbit drove furiously along the beach in hot persuit. With a pawful of C4 he bounded from Fuoristrada and pitched the first canister with a deadly curveball grip. The first balloon couldn't avoid the swerve and the Wabbit pressed the detonator. There was a sudden bang and a flash that spiralled upwards and outwards in a widening red cloud. "Take that for your trouble!" shouted the Wabbit as he followed with a second canister. The balloon began to deflate and emitting a low groan it fell slowly towards the beach. The second balloon hung back, but the Wabbit could hear a booming sound as if it came from a loudspeaker inside. "You are only a number, Commander Wabbit, and your number is up," said  a disembodied voice with plummy vowels. "I have no number," replied the Wabbit," "I am the Number 2," said the pompous voice. "Then you're playing second fiddle to a burst bubble," laughed the Wabbit. "You will regret that action!" said the voice. "He reached for the sky and it blew up in his face," said the Wabbit. "You will be shaped to fit," said the voice. "I take whatever shape I wish," said the Wabbit. He turned his back on the balloon and hopped away - and as he did he threw the last canister over his shoulder. "Be seeing you!" murmured the Wabbit as he pressed the detonator.

6. The Wabbit and the Electronic Detonator

The balloons chased the Wabbit all the way to Fregene and Lapinette chased the balloons. Fuoristrada scooted easily along the beach until he reached a nature reserve and the Wabbit loped across to a vantage point by a low water inlet. He hopped ostentatiously to attract the balloons and set up his grenades. He could see Lapinette hovering near the balloons, keeping them at bay, and he worked feverishly to complete his task.  "Do you think it'll work?" he asked Fuoristrada, "I don't know these creatures as well as you." "These Rovers come from the sea," said Fuoristrada. "Perhaps they are jellyfish?" conjectured the Wabbit. "Whatever they are," said Fuoristrada, "they are said to be controlled by sinister forces from a secret Italian base somewhere in Wales, called the Village." "That's hard to believe," said the Wabbit. "I kid you not," said Fuoristrada. "Get ready, here they come," said the Wabbit urgently. "These detonate in mid air. We'll blow them all the way back to their Village." The radio crackled. "Are you ready, Four Wheeler?" said Lapinette. "Ready when you are, Astronaut," said the Wabbit. He watched Lapinette's heli-chopper bank and climb then disappear in the direction of Fiumicino Airport. Then the Wabbit tossed the first grenade high in the air and casually fished out an electronic detonator which he kept in his fur ...

5. the Wabbit makes a Call

Refuelled and ready, Fuoristrada and the Wabbit headed across the Piazza della Rovere, over the bridge and down the side of the Tiber with the two balloons in pursuit. "Oh Sacred Stream who's waters roll. Immortal through the classic page," intoned Fuoristrada. "Less poetry more speed," hissed the Wabbit and he pushed the throttle hard to the floor. "I can hear a strange engine," said Fuoristrada. "An Agusta Bell heli-chopper!" yelled the Wabbit. He slammed on the brakes and lifted the ancient radio as Fuoristrada slithered to a halt. "Breaker, breaker. We've got Double Bubbles!" shouted the Wabbit. The radio crackled. "No-one says breaker any more, Four Wheeler," sighed Lapinette. "Oh how dreary," said the Wabbit, "have you any suggestions, Astronaut?" "Turn back and head for Fregene," said Lapinette, "and do put the hammer down. The bubbles will have me for a bumper sticker." "Out!" said the Wabbit and he slammed his foot to the floor.  "Ouch," said Fuoristrada as he catapulted towards the next bridge. "Where the binky is Fregene?" asked the Wabbit. "The seaside," said Fuoristrada. "I forgot my bucket and shovel," said the Wabbit. "We have a shovel," said Fuoristrada. "And a bucket?" asked the Wabbit. "Of course," said Fuoristrada. "Have you anything more we need for the beach?" said the Wabbit as he swerved into the oncoming traffic on the Umberto I bridge. "C4 grenades," said  Fuoristrada.

4. The Wabbit gives the Orders

The Wabbit and Fuoristrada raced round the Gianicolo Hill and down towards to San Pietro Station with the balloons bouncing behind them at an ever increasing rate. Nothing seemed to stop them. They bounced over anything in their path and as they bounced they howled and droned. Occasionally without warning they span round and round, setting up a gale that tore at trees and rattled windows. But the Wabbit had gained some ground and Fuoristrada bumped down the steps of an underpass, then emerged at the other side and tore through an underground car park. "Double back!" shouted the Wabbit and he rummaged for something in the back of the vehicle. Fuoristrada darted down Via del Crocifisso and into Piazzale Gregorio VII. Suddenly they were staring at the balloons coming towards them down the stairs of the station and the Wabbit jumped out with the gun he had made in the shed at the back of the Department. "Stand and deliver!" he yelled at the balloons and he fired at the roof and plaster scattered all around them. The balloons shuddered to a halt and even though they had no eyes, they seemed to look at each other with horror. "Fuoristrada!" said the Wabbit authoritatively, "I'll have a carrot aperitivo spritz." How would you like it?" asked Fuoristrada. "Gently stirred," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Chase

Fuoristrada raced through the park with the balloon in hot pursuit. "More incoming at 2 o'clock," shouted the Wabbit and he gunned the throttle. "There's can't be more than one!" said  Fuoristrada, "I don't believe it!"  "What happened to the sharp twigs?" yelled the Wabbit. "Park keepers," moaned Fuoristrada, "they've been sweeping." The Wabbit wrenched the steering wheel and muttered "Jobsworths" through gritted teeth. "Head for Gianicolo Hill," shouted the Wabbit and I'll call this in." "Is that wise?" asked Fuoristrada. "Bite the bullet, we're going through the city and we'll lose them," said the Wabbit and he looked out the window and swerved right. "Mo' te gonfio!" he shouted at the nearest balloon as he passed. The balloon bounced high in the air but it fell back a little. "They didn't like that," shouted the Wabbit. There was an awful moaning sound and the balloon span round and round. "Do it again," suggested Fuoristrada. The Wabbit looked out again and yelled "Toglietevi dai coglioni!" "That's very rude!" said Fuoristrada" There was a howl of protest from the other balloon and it whirled like a top. "I can get ruder" said the Wabbit. "Non mi rompete le palle!" he shouted. The two balloons bounced together and shot high in the air screaming with anger. "That's done it"" said Fuoristrada.

2. The Wabbit and the Roving Balloon

The Wabbit had taken Fuoristrada out for a spin and was cruising down the Via Piccolomini, when he felt something close behind him. "Road hog!" muttered the Wabbit as he put his foot down. "That looks like Rover," said the Fuoristrada, "I'm off." "That's not a Rover," said the Wabbit as Fuoristrada swerved round a corner. "They're boxy and appeal to those of mature years." "You don't watch enough old television," said Fuoristrada and he picked up speed. "It's after us!" A giant white balloon swam into view in the Wabbit's mirror and he heard it make a muffled roaring sound as it got closer and closer. "Perhaps someone's making a film!" shouted the Wabbit as they lurched into the Via Leone XIII. "Perhaps someone's trying to kill us," said Fuoristrada. They dodged between a lorry, two coaches and a refreshment kiosk before careering into the Via Aurelia Antica on two wheels. "We'll lose him in the Villa Pamphilj Park," said Fuoristrada and he shot across the road, through a small gate and into the trees. But the white balloon was still hot on their heels. "Got any ideas?" yelled the Wabbit with chattering teeth. "I'm looking for a path with sharp twigs," said Fuoristrada.

1, The Wabbit receives an Emolument

The Wabbit received an urgent message to proceed to the Department of Wabbit Affairs with haste, where he would find something to his advantage. So he hopped there very quickly wondering what this could be. As he rounded the corner, he could hardly believe his eyes when he spotted another Fuoristrada and it had a cover! "Oh I do like the Fiat Campagnola but surely it can't be for me," thought the Wabbit. He looked under the red bow and a note assured him that the Campagnola was for his exclusive use in recognition of his service over the past year. Under the note was another note and that one said he had to buy his own gasoline and pay for his own servicing - but he would receive an allowance for distance travelled on departmental business. Under that note was yet another note and this one said, in no uncertain terms, that if he damaged the vehicle in any way he would have to make recompense, unless damage occurred in a high speed pursuit in the service of Wabbit Affairs. Even then it would have to be authenticated by a high ranking member of the Department. The Wabbit was beginning to feel a great weight on his shoulders when he noticed who had signed the order and he read out loud. "Signed for the Department of Wabbit Affairs, Marchesa L. Lapinette." The Wabbit gave a whoop of glee and jumped up and down on the fender, shouting "Serviceable, serviceable!" But then he looked all around suspiciously. "I'm sure I heard a voice," he thought. "That's a new paint job," said the Fuoristrada.

The Wabbits in the City

The early evening sun painted the buildings golden and the Wabbits went out on the roof. "We usually sing on the roof," said the Wabbit. "Well what's the song this time?" asked Lapinette, "it's your turn to choose." The Wabbit thought and thought. "I don't know any more rooftop songs," he said finally, "but I do know one with a rooftop in it." Lapinette hopped up and down. "Take it away, Wabbit" she cried. The Wabbit turned to Lapinette and started to croon. "Cool town, evening in the city. I'm dressed so fine and looking so pretty!" "You are, your are," sighed Lapinette. "Cool cat lookin' for a kitty, Gonna look in every corner of the city!" sang the Wabbit, "till I'm wheezing like a bus stop!" Lapinette laughed and laughed as the Wabbit pretended to puff and pant. "Running up the stairs gonna meet ya on the roof top," rhymed the Wabbit. "You did you did!" yelled Lapinette. "Despite the heat it will be alright, and babe, don't you know it's a pity," crooned the Wabbit. "What's the pity?" chanted Lapinette. "That the days can't be like the night, in the summer in the city, in the summer in the city," sang the Wabbit. "Oh Wabbit, it's such a pity it’s not the summer," said Lapinette. "We're still hot," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit & the Saints Adventure Caffe

The Wabbit waited as his friends assembled at the table because he was going to make a short speech. "Don't go on and on," whispered Lapinette. "Who me?" said the Wabbit and he cleared his throat. "I was just going to thank everyone for their support." "Where are the others?" asked Skratch. "Collecting the food ordered from my electronic menu," said Robot. "Well, I'm making a preliminary toast, while we wait," said Skratch. "Do proceed," said the Wabbit and he lifted a glass. "To Saint Barbara," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "The Patron Saint of explosions," said Cardinal Lapin. "Oooooh," said the Wabbit. "And the Italian navy," added Skratch. "Then that's the perfect Saint for me," said the Wabbit. "It should be St Denis," said Lapinette. "Why he?" asked the Wabbit. "Patron Saint of headaches," laughed Lapinette. "Saint Elizabeth of Hungary is for Lapinette," said Skratch, "since she is so very lovely." "I really can't help it," said Lapinette. "Is there a Patron Saint for me?" asked Snail. "St Anthony is the Saint who deals with hunger," said Lapinette with a grin. "Surely there must be one for me too?" asked Skratch. "St Dismas," said Cardinal Lapin, "he's the Saint of reformed thieves." The Wabbit was beginning to hum a tune. "How I want be in that number," he murmured. Everyone turned to stare. "When the Saints go marching in!" sang the Wabbit. 

13. The Wabbit and Osteria dei Pontefici

"Bless you my children, what's for dinner?" said Cardinal Lapin. "Anything on the menu, courtesy of the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said Lapinette. "Then I'll have consommé to start with," said the Cardinal, "and a bottle of the finest Prosecco." "Cardboard carpaccio," said Snail. "Make mine fish," said Skratch. "Scarrots!" yelled Ghost Bunny." Bruschetta," said Robot. "I'm partial to thistles," said Franco.  "They're setting our table now," said the Wabbit, "and there are Christmas Crackers still, with small useless objects inside." "And bad jokes," said Snail. "I refuse to wear the paper hat," said Puma, "they're too tight and make my head hot." Lapinette looked round at everyone. "Has anyone else got any complaints about the crackers?" she said with a tone of exasperation in her voice. "Yes," said Skratch, "they often fail to crack and cause disappointment." "Well we've had quite enough explosions for one day," said Lapinette. "I hear the plan went well," said Cardinal Lapin. "The Wabbit varied your plan," said Lapinette, "and he nearly exploded half of Rome." "I call it added value," smiled the Wabbit. "Are the wicked Agents of Rabit extinguished, Wabbit?" asked Cardinal Lapin. "Heads rolled," said the Wabbit. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways, my son," said Cardinal Lapin, "his head rolling to perform."

12. The Wabbit and the Extra Ingredient

Just as the two hopped stealthily away, there was a multicoloured flash of light and the Wabbit made Lapinette duck as an incredible blast sent the Agents of Rabit spiralling high above the building. "There's something in the air," sang the Wabbit tunefully and he smiled and dusted his paws. Lapinette stared at the Wabbit. "That wasn't in Cardinal Lapin's plan," she gasped. "A little extra ingredient of my own, just to make sure," said the Wabbit. "Good grief Wabbit, you nearly took out the whole block," said Lapinette. "Skratch got me a small something from the Navy Surplus store," said the Wabbit. "Go on, tell me," sighed Lapinette. "A quantity of M789 Dual Purpose Incendiary," said the Wabbit, "why do you think we needed the battery?" "You could have told me," said Lapinette. "It wouldn't have been a surprise," said the Wabbit. Lapinette groaned. "How can you keep a detonator in your fur?" she asked. "I don't routinely go to the furdresser," said the Wabbit. "You're spooky," said Lapinette. "I'm a secret agent," said the Wabbit. Lapinette couldn't help laughing. "The Agents of Rabit won't be giggling now," she murmured. "Well, I don't know about that," grinned the Wabbit, "because now they're in bits."

11. The Wabbit lights the Fuse

The Wabbit's ears flapped slightly and the lighter flame made them into eerie shadows on the wall.  Lapinette pulled the rope taut and waited patiently. "Don't keep flicking the lighter, Wabbit," said Lapinette. "You'll use the gas up."  "I told you I should have brought a refillable one," said the Wabbit, "there's less waste and more fun." "What happened to your Zippo?" asked Lapinette. "The hinge broke," said the Wabbit. "You should have had it replaced," said Lapinette. "I returned it and they sent back the wrong one," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "Mine had Sean Connery engraved on the front and they sent me Pierce Brosnan." "Poor you," said Lapinette, "anyway, you shouldn't have played it with it so much." "Shh here they come!" said the Wabbit and he flicked the his lighter into life. They both waited for a while but nothing happened. "Do you think the Agents of Rabit understood the fake plan," said Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "I heard them giggling and giggling." "Do you think they have hysteria?" asked Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "and any little thing will render them apopleptic." Just then they heard a strange cackling and the Wabbit put his paw up for silence and prepared to light his Roman Candle. "Perhaps we overdid it with the inflammables," whispered  Lapinette. "Never give a sucker an even break," said the Wabbit. With uncanny accuracy he ignited the fuse in a long spurt of lighter flame. As the Roman Candle began to splutter he grinned at Lapinette. "Happy New Year!" he whispered.

10. The Wabbit lures his Enemies

The Wabbit couldn't help glancing up as Ghost Bunny deliberately dropped his fake plans for the Agents of Rabit. He did not look behind him, but in his fur he could feel them rejoicing and he could hear evil cackling as they tore across the field to grab his notebook. The Wabbit had thought for a long time about what to write to lure his enemies into a trap. After several attempts he wrote. "Higglemus, pigglemas, seven days after Sqigglemus." The Wabbit wondered if that was difficult enough but he pondered for a while and continued. "We will find ourselves in the pink on the high hill - and there behind the shuttered door, all secrets will be revealed." He then sketched a map with careful directions and made some random doodling in the shape of farmyard animals, which he then filled in with colourful crayons. But the Wabbit thought it needed something to make it complete and he had another think. Then he started to smile and he wrote. "O si vile, si ergo, Fortibus es inero! O nobile, demis trux, Vadis indem? Causem dux." "What in Pluto does that mean, Wabbit," asked Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit started chuckling and couldn't stop. "Wabbit!" shouted Ghost Bunny. "OK OK," said the Wabbit, "you just have to say it properly. It's "Oh see, Billy, see her go! Forty buses in a row! Oh, no, Billy, them is trucks. What is in them? Cows and ducks."" Ghost Bunny looked at the Wabbit and shook her head just like Lapinette. "I've been saving that one for the right moment," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit, the Statues and the Flammable Canisters

"Psst, Trixie!" whispered the Wabbit, who had finally remembered everyone's code names. "Where are you, Wabbit?" said Lapinette. "Behind the statue," said the Wabbit, "I was just talking to this fine fellow about Plato." Lapinette looked round to see the Wabbit bathed in orange floodlighting. "What does he say about Plato then?" said Lapinette. "He says Plato was before his time," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed and wondered if the Wabbit would ever stop talking to strange statues. "I've got the sprays!" she said and she waved two cans of fur lacquer."Are they highly flammable?" said the Wabbit. "The propellants are dangerously so," said Lapinette. The Wabbit rubbed his paws together as if he was warming them at a log fire. "I love vinyl chloride!" he chortled. "They took that out of fur spray," said Lapinette, "because it was toxic and carcinogenic. "Oh fiddlesticks," said the Wabbit with disappointment. "But I found two old canisters under the sink," said Lapinette with triumph.  "Excellent!" cried the Wabbit. "Did you get the screws, hinges and ironmongery bits?" asked Lapinette. "They're here in my fur," said the Wabbit. "I thought you were clanking a bit," said Lapinette. "Are you setting a trap?" asked the statue suddenly. "It's very hush-hush!" said the Wabbit. "I won't breathe a word," said the statue, "but would you mind setting a trap for that statue there?"  "Why?" said Lapinette and the Wabbit in unison. "He stole my parchment," said the statue.

8. The Wabbit Undercover

The Wabbit could be heard a long way off. "Hot sauce, everything hot, get it while it's hot," he shouted. He was working undercover at the Calabrian stall in the market whilst his team gathered the materials he needed to expedite Cardinal Lapin's plan. The Wabbit tried hard to remember everyone's code names with varying success. "Have you got the battery, Klaw?" he said to Skratch. "I found this one," said Skratch. "Are you sure it's big enough?" said the Wabbit. "It was the biggest and it cost me plenty," said Skratch. "I have the string," said Snail, "and my code name today is Slither." "OK Slither, well done!" said the Wabbit, "but where's Lapinette?" "Ahem, it's Trixie Beaujolais and she's obtaining the spray canisters from the furdressers," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we will soon be ready." "What shall we do in the meantime?" said Skratch. "Eat," said Snail. "May I offer you a jar of hot Calabrian peppers?" asked the Wabbit, who was desperate to sell something. "Not for me," said Snail, "they will upset my tummy. But I will eat the cardboard tray upon which they sit." "I have some here for you, Slither," said the Wabbit and Snail set about the cardboard with gusto. "Mmm," he said, "it's rather spicy, too." "Everything from Calabria is hot," said the Wabbit. "Even the flowerpots?" asked Skratch. "Especially the flowerpots," replied the Wabbit. "May I buy a good luck charm?" asked Skratch. "Certainly, Klaw," said the Wabbit. "I'll have a corno portafortuna," said Skratch. "Potent," said the Wabbit, "I had better buy it for you." "Thanks, but why?" said Skratch. "It will double your  luck," said the Wabbit.

corno portafortuna: good luck charm to chase away the evil spirits, typical of Calabria and Naples

7. The Wabbit and Cardinal Lapin

The Wabbit was continuing to track down the Agents of Rabit when he saw a Cardinal approaching the tram stop. "Wabbit, my son," said the Cardinal, "Christmas blessings upon you!" The Wabbit tried hard to remember how to address a Cardinal and thought through a whole list before deciding. The Cardinal waited patiently with a smile because he had been through this before. "Hello Your Eminence," said the Wabbit finally. "Are you Cardinal Lapin by any chance?" "I am," said the Cardinal, "and we need stand on no ceremony when we are both fighting the forces of evil." "I am waiting on the Agents of Rabit to make their next move," said the Wabbit. "Then we must trick them," said Cardinal Lapin. "Do you have any good tricks?" said the Wabbit. "I have played a few," said the Cardinal, "mostly at doctrinal committees." "And they all work?" said the Wabbit. "No-one suspects Cardinal Lapin," smiled the Cardinal and he paused for a moment. "Do you prefer sprays, explosions or electric shocks?" he asked. "All three," said the Wabbit without hesitation. "Then we shall need some canisters, elastic bands, hinges, hooks, screws, batteries and patience," said the Cardinal. "I'll put my team on it immediately," said the Wabbit. "What is Rabit's weak point?" said the Cardinal. "They're smug," said the Wabbit. "Then they think they're wonderful," said the Cardinal, "so our task will be easier. We'll persuade them they are oh so clever." "But how?" asked the Wabbit. "We will make a secret plan for them to steal," said the Cardinal. "Then what?" asked the Wabbit. "Kaboom!" said the Cardinal.

6. The Wabbit poses for a Photograph

The Wabbit hopped quickly around Rome on Christmas Day and he took a circuitous route to see if he could find the Agents of Rabit. But he saw no-one and speculated that even his enemies might have a day off sometimes. So he crossed the River Tiber and was taking a short cut through St Peter's Square when he heard a friendly voice. "Commander, Sir. Do come and have your photograph taken," said a Swiss Guard dressed in a most colourful uniform. "I don't mind if I do," said the Wabbit and he hopped between two soldiers and posed. "Have you seen any Agents of Rabit?" he asked. "What do they look like?" asked a Guard. "Oh you'd know them if you saw them," replied the Wabbit, "they're very dark and have long pointy ears and horrible gnashing teeth." "We do see some funny things," said a Guard. "We'll keep a look out," said the other. "And if we see them what shall we do?" asked the first Guard. "On no account approach them," said the Wabbit, "they are armed and dangerous." "So are we," said the second Guard and they all laughed heartily. "Well, have a good Christmas," said the Wabbit. "You too!" said the Guards in unison, "but where shall we send your pictures?" "Don't worry, I'll be back," said the Wabbit. "Can we be of any further assistance, Commander?" asked a Guard. "Do you still use Heckler and Koch MP5s?" asked the Wabbit. "Hardly ever at Christmas." said the Guard. "My I order one of your coats of many colours?" said the Wabbit. "You need to speak to the boss," said the Guard firmly.

5. The Wabbit and the Agents of Rabit

The Wabbit had hopped into a corner of the Pantheon just to see what was going on and after investigation had decided that that nothing much was happening. But as he turned to leave, his ears pricked to a crumbling sound and he jumped as small stones scattered on the ground around him. As he turned to look up he could hear the sinister cackle of a sinister rabbit peering over a wall. As larger rocks rained around him, the Wabbit took off with a turn of speed that would have surprised his friends and he loped around the circular building. He was too late. He could only catch sight of the pointed tail of a dark rabbit disappearing into a maze of small streets and he cursed several times under his breath. "That was close," thought the Wabbit as he hopped rapidly in the general direction of the Piazza Navona, But he could find nothing more dangerous than a smattering of tourists buying souvenirs and multi coloured balloons. "He had to go somewhere," thought the Wabbit and he stayed in the shadows and glanced back to the Pantheon. The light had begun to fade a little but he could just see the pointed ears and rancid teeth of an Agent of Rabit who had expertly regained his original position. The Agent waved but before the Wabbit could reach him, he somehow vanished, leaving only a cackling sound of derision. "He who laughs last, has the laughiest laugh, or something like that," muttered the Wabbit and he took a small piece of Pantheon brickwork, placed it carefully in a plastic bag which he kept in his fur and called out loud, "There are no hoppy endings for the "Agents of Rabit!"

4. The Wabbit directs the Traffic

The Wabbit waited patiently at a junction on the Via Gregorio VII until Franco and Snail hove into sight. Then, taking over the intersection as if he was a policeman, he waved them all through. “Look the other way, you’re not in Cornwall now!” he yelled to Snail’s driver and his mate, the two Cornish pilgrims. “Thanks Luvver, are we here?” said the driver as the truck lurched to a stop. “Yes, you can park in the Big Coach Park,” said the Wabbit and turned to Franco. “But what happened, Franco?  What held you up?” “I had to replace the spark plugs and set the points,” said Franco. “Yes,” said Snail, “and we had time for a lovely snack at a roadside cafe.” “On a cardboard tray?” asked the Wabbit. “I had two!” said Snail and he wiggled his antennae. “Anywhere to get fags around here?” asked the driver’s mate. “At the tobacconist across the road,” said the Wabbit, “and you can also get a lottery ticket and scale models of planes and helicopters, which are better for your health.” “l’ll bear it in mind my lovely," said the driver’s mate and he jumped out. The Wabbit watched him leap around, dodging the traffic, and he flinched as a bus narrowly missed him. “Buses have right of way in the middle lane,” he shouted and covered his eyes.  “Where’s our camp?” asked Franco. “Over there by the ecological car wash,” said the Wabbit. “How can it be ecological?” said Franco. “No water,” said the Wabbit. “I can’t believe that, Sir,” said Franco, forgetting to address the Wabbit informally. “Neither does anyone else, I’ve never seen a soul use it,” said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit meets his friends in a Jiffy

The friends gathered at San Pietro Railway Station to meet Puma, as Thunder the Steam Train arrived. Lapinette was so excited she hopped quickly across the rails to greet everyone. “Welcome to Rome,” she cried, and stretched out her paws. “Somehow, Robot and I managed to arrive at the same time,” said Skratch the Cat Burglar with glee. “My train journey was most entertaining,” said Puma, “We raised several hundred euro for children with special needs.” Lapinette clapped her paws in delight and noticed that Robot was also eager to recount their adventures. “Skratch drove me past the Roma FC football stadium,” said Robot to Lapinette with enthusiasm. “I saw the most famous Francesco Totti arriving and he waved to me!” By this time the Wabbit was beginning to feel quite left out. “Hello,” he shouted from across the track. “Are you all feeling hungry?” “Quite peckish,” said Skratch. “Now that reminds me,” said the Wabbit, “where’s Snail and Franco?” “Snail’s  hitch hiking lift broke down and Franco stopped to help them make running repairs,” said Skratch, “they’ll be along in a jiffy.” “What is a jiffy?” asked the Wabbit, “I thought it was some kind of mail bag." “These days it means ‘in a very short time’ and is a unit of measurement in quantum physics,” pronounced Skratch, “but it used to be the word for lightning in the ancient language of thieves.”  Skratch grinned and loped up the platform to hug the Wabbit, who then looked rather embarrassed. “But what of our enemies, the hated Agents of Rabit?” asked Puma. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll be here in a jiffy,” said the Wabbit.

Jiffy: A jiffy is, is defined by Edward R. Harrison, as the time it takes for light to travel one Fermi, which is the size of a nucleon. One Fermi is 10−15 m, so a jiffy is about 3 × 10−24 seconds.

2. The Wabbit arrives in Style

Ghost Bunny made sure that the dreaded Agents of Rabit were long lost in the clouds above Turin and quickly guided Turbina the Jet Car into Rome. “I’m looking forward to being undercover,” said the Wabbit. “I got you a series of posts at various stalls in the City,” replied Lapinette. “But I wanted to be a news vendor,” said the Wabbit. “And so you shall,” said Lapinette, “but through my various contacts, I have arranged a short period where you will sell good luck charms.” “Oh lovely,” said the Wabbit, “and what shall I wear?” “Just your normal coat,” said Lapinette. “Then what am I taking for luck?” said the Wabbit. “Me,” said Lapinette. Turbina the Jet Car hooted his horn and his after burn left a long vapour trail in the cold air. The Wabbit smiled and nodded his head. “I am still uncertain what the mission exactly entails,” he said. “The less you know the better,” said Lapinette, “so keep your ears keen,  your eyes open and get ready to hop when the time is right. “Is it about organised crime?” said the Wabbit. “All crime is organised,” said Lapinette. “Is it about injustice and exclusion then?” asked the Wabbit.” “Everything is,” said Lapinette. “Recovering a lost object?” asked the Wabbit. “We are all lost and found,” said Lapinette. “Uncovering a dastardly plot against us wabbits,” said the Wabbit. “I’m not saying,” said Lapinette. “Then that’s it,” said the Wabbit and he thought for a while. “So what are you taking for luck?” he asked. “A Beretta 93R machine pistol,” said Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Forgotten List

Lovely Lapinette looked at the Wabbit across Turbina the Jet Car and the Wabbit looked back at Lapinette. "Are you ready?" asked Lapinette. "I am," said the Wabbit. "Have you got everything?" said Lapinette. "I have," said the Wabbit. "Are you sure?" asked Lapinette. "Not any more," said the Wabbit. "Where's your list?" asked Lapinette. "In my other coat," moaned the Wabbit, looking sheepish. "Well, I do have a copy," said Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned. "You always have a copy!" he cheered. "Don't rely on it," said Lapinette. "Anyway, where's your salad sandwich in case you get hungry?" "In the salad crisper," said the Wabbit. "Turbina doesn't have salad crisper," said Lapinette. "I do now," said Turbina in a complaining voice. "I've never known anything get crisp in a salad crisper," said Lapinette. "It's an experiment," said the Wabbit. Lapinette covered her eyes with her paws and groaned. "I'm more worried about these helichoppers," said the Wabbit, "so I asked Ghost Bunny to torment them. The both looked up and caught sight of Ghost Bunny chasing a sinister black helichopper into a cloud. "The Agents of Rabit?" asked Lapinette." They're getting in my hair," said the Wabbit. "Think we can shake them off?" said Lapinette. "At least we know where they are," said the Wabbit. "Behind the clouds?" said Lapinette. "I'll get Ghost Bunny to keep track of them and when we get to Rome, we'll lure them into a trap." said the Wabbit. "I'll have had a word with Cardinal Lapin," said Lapinette, "he's good at traps." "How good?" asked the Wabbit. "Firecrackers, duct tape and a toilet seat," said Lapinette. "I’ll put him on my list" said the Wabbit. "You forgot your list," said Lapinette. 

The Wabbit sends an Alert!

"The Wabbit calling Franco, do you copy?" said the Wabbit. "There's no need for that, Wabbit, it’s a telephone," replied Franco as he swerved around a barrier. "Oh really, how disappointing," said the Wabbit. "What can I do for you Wabbit?" said Franco, ducking under another barrier. "Be on the lookout for a strange helichopper," said the Wabbit. "I clocked him, he’s at three o’clock," said Franco. "Did he spot you?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes, but I lost him," said Franco, "I swerved into an underground car park the wrong way." "Where are you now?" asked the Wabbit. "Coming out of the underground car park," said Franco. "The wrong way?" said the Wabbit. "It's possible," said Franco. "Do you think it's the Agents of Rabit helichopper?" said the Wabbit. "It hovers like a ghetto bird," said Franco. "That's their style," said the Wabbit. For a while, there was silence from Franco and the Wabbit heard a series of swerving noises. "Sorry Sir, I hit some cardboard boxes," said Franco. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit and flinched at a loud bang. "What was that Franco?" asked the Wabbit. "A news vendor stand," shouted Franco and he whooped. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit. Suddenly, there was a piercing scream of sirens and the Wabbit asked again what was happening. "I'm in the slipstream of a fire engine," said Franco. "Excellent!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and SPQR

"I'm so pleased to be coming with you to Rome," said Robot as the Wabbit hopped round Skratch’s van. "You're one of us now," said the Wabbit, "of course you come with us!" "I'm going to see my favourite football team," said Robot. Everyone stared in amazement. "What team?" enquired the Wabbit with interest. "SPQR," said Robot. There was a surprised tittering but the Wabbit didn't turn a single hair. "Soccer Playing Quadruped Robots?" he asked. Now it was everyone else's turn to stare at the Wabbit, who merely grinned. "We're expecting Heart of Midlothian Football Club for a friendly match," said Robot. The Wabbit's fur stood on end. "No such thing," he stated categorically. "Will they give us a kicking?" asked Robot. "Not if you deliver to them a kicking first," said the Wabbit. "Mo' te gonfio!" shouted Robot, who then swayed from side to side, making klaxon sounds. "Wabbit, have you been tuning Robot's circuitry again?" said Lapinette sternly. The Wabbit shrugged. "Not guilty," he said and kicked the ground playfully. Everyone flinched as a stone ricocheted around the building site in a trajectory that narrowly avoided the Wabbit himself. "We're being watched," said Skratch abruptly. The Wabbit flicked his eyes to the sky. "Normal paranoia," he muttered and he had a think. "Is Franco taking the jeep?" he said to Lapinette. ""He's on his way," she said. "Can you get him on the blower?" asked the Wabbit.

Mo' te gonfio : "I'll beat you until you're swollen." A slogan of Roma FC.

The Wabbit and the Big Steam Train

The Wabbit spotted Puma getting down from a Big Steam Train and he hopped up very quickly to find out what was happening. "Hello Wabbit," said Puma, "I have arranged my lift to Rome." "This train doesn't go anywhere," said the Wabbit. "You're quite mistaken," said the train. "The train is taking 500 children with special needs on a surprise trip to Rome," said Puma. "What's your name?" said the Wabbit to the train. "I am Gr 940-330," the train replied. "I'll never remember that," said the Wabbit, "do you have a nickname?" "I call her Thunder," said Puma. The Wabbit thought that was a much better name than a row of numbers and he nodded his head in agreement. "Puma, please stay in the cabin. Don't prowl the train, frightening the children," he said. "I am detailed to provide entertainment," said Puma. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "Together with the children I will look out the window and count things," said Puma. "Like telegraph poles?" asked the Wabbit. "Especially the ones with numbers, and then we will all calculate our average speed and there will be a prize," said Puma gravely. "A prize?" said the Wabbit. "A signed copy of our book on release," said Puma. "What a good idea," said the Wabbit, "and educational too." He deftly signed several imaginary copies of their book and grinned. "Thunder, will you set Puma down at the Stazione di Roma San Pietro?" he asked. "Now, that's what I call a railway station!" said Thunder.

7. The Wabbit and the Tourists

The Wabbit looked up to see Big Blue Snail arrive in the back of a truck. "I have hitched a lift with these kind strangers, who are taking me to Rome," said Snail. "Pleased to meet you," said the Wabbit, "where did you all get together?" "The Big Blue Bullhorn was blocking the road. It was easier to put him in the back," said the driver's mate. The Wabbit knew that snails were called bullhorns in Cornwall and realising that the strangers were a long way from home, he asked them if they needed any assistance. "Thank you! That would be nice, Luvver," said the driver's mate, "it's backsyfore round here. I'm boggled." "That's because in these parts, you're emmets," said the Wabbit with a grin. The driver and his mate chortled mightily." I suppose we are at that," they laughed. "We're heading to the Vatican for the Big Christmas Blessing," said the driver. "Then you are pilgrims," smiled the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur and gave him several business cards from the Pontiff's Restaurant. "They may even serve you Cornish Pasta," he said with a wicked grin. The drivers' mouths dropped open in astonishment." "Snail gets off at Via San Silverio Market," advised the Wabbit. "Can you point us in the right direction?" said the driver. "What don't you ask the Big Football Boy?" said the Wabbit. "He's always right," said Snail. The driver looked out of the window. "Which way to Rome?" he shouted to the Big Football Boy on the wall. "It's over there!" yelled the boy. "Exactly," said the Wabbit.

[emmets: tourists (derogatory). backsyfore: wrong way round. Cornwall dialect.]

6. The Wabbit and the Name

Under the watchful eyes of Franco, the Wabbit was manoeuvring the camp jeep. "Am I going to be in the book, Sir?" Franco asked with a worried face. The Wabbit pulled on the brake with a screech. "Franco of course! It's your book too." "I wasn't in so many adventures Sir," said Franco. "You are the beating heart of the Free Wabbits of Turin," said the Wabbit firmly. "And you're at the heart of our book. " Franco looked both embarrassed and pleased at the same time. "What's in the crate?" asked the Wabbit. "Some of Ghost Bunny's equipment Sir," said Franco. "She's always building something," muttered the Wabbit with a little grin. "She's very diligent Sir," said Franco. "Call me Wabbit," said the Wabbit. "I can't call you Wabbit, Sir," said Franco. "Why not?" asked the Wabbit. "Protocol Sir," said Franco. "Wabbit, Wabbit, Wabbit!" shouted the Wabbit suddenly. "Sir, Sir, Sir," replied Franco. "Wabbit," yelled the Wabbit. "Sir!" said Franco. "Silence!" shouted Ghost Bunny from behind her crate and she flew up to look at the Wabbit. "Wabbit, Franco is more comfortable with Sir," she glared. Then suddenly she swooped at Franco with a stern voice. "Franco, the Wabbit would be happier with a more informal appellation!" Ghost Bunny paused and hovered and everything became quiet. "But you could always compromise," she said finally. "What do you suggest?" said the Wabbit, smiling. "Franco, why don't you try saying Sir Wabbit?" said Ghost Bunny. Franco looked absolutely appalled. "OK, Wabbit it is," he sighed.

5, The Wabbit and the Radio Promotion

The Wabbit was inspecting a serviceable vehicle when he noticed it was a mobile radio station. "Never miss a chance for promotion," he thought and he hopped up and called to the Disc Jockey inside. "Will you help promote our book?" he shouted. A window opened and the DJ looked out at the Wabbit. "What's the book about Wabbit?" "It features our amazing adventures!" said the Wabbit. "Is it funny?" said the DJ, who was already chuckling at the thought. "It's more than amusing." said the Wabbit. "But does it have jokes?" asked the DJ. "We are always joking and joshing," said the Wabbit, "but in an ironic way that suits our devil-may-care characters." "Sounds perfect!" smiled the DJ. He leaned towards the microphone and chortling the while, urged his listeners to watch out for the release of the book. "Can I play you a request?" tittered the DJ. The Wabbit suggested the DJ choose a song by Frank Zappa. "I don't think we have many," laughed the DJ. "Oh wait, here's one from his Sheik Yerbouti album." "No, no." said the Wabbit as his fur stood on end. "Perhaps something else," he said and, in a firm voice, he twice insisted that he had changed his mind. "Never a bother, I'll just play it," said the DJ. The Wabbit knew what the DJ was going to play and he knew it was a very, very rude song. So he gritted his teeth and hopped away as fast as he could. But he couldn't resist looking over his shoulder and he saw the DJ nodding his head and singing along. "Lapinette must never hear of this," murmured the Wabbit.
[Bobby Brown Goes Down, Sheik Yerbouti. Frank Zappa. 1979]

4. The Wabbit and Market Research

On the advice of Puma, Lapinette was conducting market research for their book. She had just spotted the two respondents that might complete her quota, when she noticed they had noticed her too. "Who is that divine creature?" asked one lady. "I saw her on the front cover of Vogue last year," said the other. The first lady looked intently. "Oh yes, I remember she was raising funds for World Health," she said, and looked some more. "Shhh. She's coming this way," they agreed and they nodded a greeting. Lapinette gave an enormous smile. "May I ask you some questions about our book?" she said. "We'd be delighted," said the first lady. "Do you like adventures?" asked Lapinette. "As long as they're not too frightening," said the second. "Mild peril only," said Lapinette. The two ladies conferred. "What about conversations?" said the first. “There is talk throughout," said Lapinette."What about pictures?" said the second. "Both vivid and haunting," said Lapinette. By now her professional smile was wearing thin but she saw the Wabbit approaching and waved. "Oh look," she said. "Here's the author now. Let me introduce you to Commander Wabbit." "A Commander and so young!" said the first lady. The Wabbit positively beamed. "What is your posting?" said the second. "Cultural Attaché to the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said the Wabbit, coyly. "You're diplomatic!" said the ladies together. "I try so hard to be," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit goes to the Publisher

The Wabbit was just emerging from the Publishing House, when he heard a yowl and turned around. "I've heard all about the book," said Skratch. "Isn't it exciting! Is that our book there?" "It's a first draft." said the Wabbit, "and I dropped off a copy with the publishers." "When will we know?" asked Skratch. "Oh I think it takes a long time. They get a lot of submissions," said the Wabbit with a frown. "Perhaps I can help," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked dubious. "I'll just sneak in and put our book at the front of the submissions queue," said Skratch. "That's not very fair," worried the Wabbit, "because others have worked hard on theirs." Skratch looked at the Wabbit as if he was a hopeless case. "Then let me suggest something else," he said. "OK. Go ahead," said the Wabbit. Skratch mimed a cat's walk in a most amusing manner. "I'll just prowl in," he laughed. "Won't they see you?" interrupted the Wabbit. "Yes, but no one minds a cat prowling around," said Skratch. "Pray continue," said the Wabbit. "I'll find the correct desk and accidentally knock down the pile of submissions with my tail," smiled Skratch. "How does that help?" asked the Wabbit. "When I am carefully replacing them, I will place our book on the top!" said Skratch with triumph. "Let me get this right," said the Wabbit. "You knock over the books and helpfully put them back." Skratch waved a paw. "And our book is at the front of the queue," he purred. "That sounds more ethical." said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Book Proposal

The Wabbit saw Snail approaching and he thought that perhaps his Secret Garden wasn't so secret after all. "We’re writing a book about all of us," said the Wabbit. "Lovely," said Snail and waved his antennae. "Will it have pictures of us and our conversations?" he asked gleefully. "Of course," said the Wabbit. "It wouldn’t be much of a book without pictures and conversations." " What publisher will we approach?" said Snail. "Lawrence and Wishart," said Puma immediately, as if none other would do. "First things first," said the Wabbit. "We've only just started." The Wabbit hopped up and down for quite a while and thought. "We’ll put all our adventures in and every so often, we’ll stop for dinner and make jokes," he announced. "Food, right now?" asked Snail with enthusiasm. "No, in the book, we finish an adventure and then stop and eat - in the book," said the Wabbit. "So that readers will also stop and be critical," said Puma. "What about the readers, who will they be?" asked Snail. "All sorts," said the Wabbit. "We should aim for popular appeal." Puma growled for some time and paced around a tree. "We must be more targeted and advertise in underground stations," he said. Both Snail and the Wabbit turned and looked at Puma with astonishment. "Why the Metro?" asked the Wabbit. "There's nothing to do and travellers read anything while they're waiting," said Puma. "You're in charge of marketing," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit in the Secret Garden

Puma fell into step with the Wabbit's hop and purred, "Hello Wabbit!" "I didn't know anyone else knew this place," said the Wabbit. "I often prowl these parts," said Puma and he stretched a bit. "I call this the Secret Garden and I come here to read," said the Wabbit.”I found this book in a small shop near the Corso Spezia market." Puma scrutinised the Wabbit's book. "That looks like a children's book," he exclaimed. "There's lots of information in children's books," said the Wabbit. "What information?" asked Puma. "Things they don't tell you anywhere else," said the Wabbit. The Puma thought that was very amusing and he gave a low growl of delight. "Really Puma, this is a lovely tale of an excluded robot who is befriended by a small boy," said the Wabbit seriously. "Ha! It's about relationships," said Puma. The Wabbit struck his book with a paw. "We remain largely uninformed about good relationships," he said. "Because we only talk about bad ones," replied Puma. "That's a gloomy thought," said the Wabbit. "I don't know," said Puma. "Perhaps someone will someday write a book about our relationships." He rested two paws on the steps and came close to smiling. "Oh, who could be bothered to write about us?" said the Wabbit. "We could be bothered," said Puma. "So let’s go over by the trees and write our own book." "But how shall we start?" asked the Wabbit. "Once upon a time," said Puma.