6. The Wabbit and the Ghastly Insect

"Stand still Wabbit!" Wabsworth shone a torch into the Wabbit's eyes. "There it is. I saw it move." The Wabbit groaned. "So that's why I can smell breakfast." Wabsworth was rock solid in front of the Wabbit. "If you'll only stay still, I'll flick it with pincers. The torch makes it visible." The Wabbit did what he was told. The last thing he wanted was a parasitic passenger from an unknown planet. "There, got it." A beast that looked a bit like a dragonfly shot from the Wabbit's eye, and straight at Lapinette. Her paws turned into windmills as she flailed at the creature. The green mountains looked down on a strange sight. An oculist, a Wabbit and a flailing Marchesa. "Get away!" It slipped into her kilt. "Eeek," she shrieked. The more she threshed, the more the beast wriggled. "Turn around," she yelled. Both the Wabbit and Wabsworth turned as she shucked down her kilt and speared the insect with a hat pin. "I didn't know hat pins existed anymore," grinned the Wabbit. Lapinette pulled up her kilt. "What a planet! Ignominy upon ignominy. Frogs, insects. Moss. " The Wabbit looked at the mountains. "Very pretty unless you have to cross them." Lapinette looked down at her legs. "Just what do you mean?" The Wabbit dissolved into mirth. "We'll call Quantum and Skratch and cross them that way." Wabsworth chortled too. Lapinette strode up to her knees into the lake. "Mind your manners. You can come and get me. Oh no it's mossy. There's a frog. Too green. Too damp. Yukkedy yuk yuk yuk." 

5. The Wabbit and the less known Planet

Quantum and Skratch dropped the rest of the team off. "This seems familiar!" Lapinette was puzzled. "Didn't we drop the pterodactyls off here." "Yep," said the Wabbit. "Same spot and they're still here." Lapinette wasn't happy. "There's that ghastly frog." Wabsworth giggled. "Mirrup!" The frog sounded happy enough. "OK," said the Wabbit and he clapped his paws. "What's your assessment of the planet?" Lapinette scowled. "Unpleasant. Don't like it. Too hot, too red, too green. To cloudy. Too froggy." The Wabbit smiled and turned to Wabsworth. "Your view?" Wabsworth was poking around. "What flew by?" The Wabbit hadn't seen anything. He shrugged, but he always listened to Wabsworth because he knew stuff. "Something transparent?" Wabsworth screwed up his nose. "Nearly. And also smelly." The Wabbit couldn't smell a thing. His nose twitched. Yes. There was the aroma of baked beans. "Beans?" he asked. "Breakfast," nodded Wabsworth. "The Full Scottish." The Wabbit sniffed again, and now he detected black pudding. "A transparent thing that smells like breakfast?" Lapinette snorted in horror. She hated that sort of thing and added it to the list of things she disliked about the planet. The Wabbit felt a prick and slapped his paw. "Should have brought mosquito repellent." Lapinette added mosquitos to her list. "Let's look around team," instructed the Wabbit, "We might find a bar."

4. The Wabbit and the Space Chase

As Quantum closed on orbit around Kepler 1606b, two craft broke from cover behind one the satellites. "Who's that?" asked the Wabbit. "Could be the Ogle Bogles," shrugged Lapinette. The lead craft sent a message, but it was lost in static. "They want to board," said Wabsworth. "Well they can do the other thing." snarled Quantum, "No-one boards this train without a ticket." He began to pitch and roll, but the craft pursued Quantum with cunning, "They say they'll fire," added Wabsworth. The Wabbit hung onto the bulkhead -or whatever Quantum chose to call it - as two laser beams hit them amidships. "I've had quite enough of this," mouthed the Wabbit. "Shields up, Quantum. Phasers 1 and 2. Full Power." Quantum snorted. "This isn't Star Trek, Commander." They shook as more blasts hit them. "Reverse Lattice Drive," said Lapinette with a calm assurance that chilled the Wabbit's blood. A rippling wave left Quantum. It hit the two craft, and they spiralled out of control into the depths of space. "Should we rescue them?" asked Wabsworth, "Nah," said Lapinette, "They got on my nerves." The Wabbit took back control. "Resume course for Kepler 1606b. Steady as she goes." Quantum breathed a deep sigh, but complied nonetheless. "Skratch, break out the rum." The Wabbit smiled as Skratch came clinking from the engine room. "You used all our dilithium crystals, Commander." Wabsworth took a glass as he passed and downed it in a single gulp. "No such thing," he grinned, "and I have all the boarding tickets." 

3.The Wabbit on OGLE-2005-BLG390Lb

As usual, the planet was hot as hell. They left Quantum off planet with Skratch and all the air conditioning on. The Alien Pilot looked up. "Weapons on the bar please." "Not on your life," said Lapinette. She took out her edged weapon and waved it. "OK," shrugged the Alien Pilot, "who are you looking for this time?" The Wabbit was the Commander and had to take charge. "These stools haven't moved since we were last here." The Alien Pilot smiled. "Bolted down. It gets rough around here." The Wabbit grinned. "We're looking for an Earth-like planet which will accommodate everyone on earth." Alien Pilot stepped back. "Everyone? Are you mad?" Wabsworth spoke. "Would size be a problem?" Alien Pilot smirked. "Nothing to do with size. It's about quality." The Wabbit stroked his automatic in an absent-minded sort of way and stared at the Alien Pilot. The Pilot gave up. "Kepler 1606b." The sound of a commotion sliced through the fug. A blast of cold air and the rattle of weapons. "Quick, the Ogle Bogles are coming. The Finance Police!" Alien Pilot was horrified, "I'll lose my licence. Hide the guns. And the chupito straws." Lapinette picked up a pink straw from the grubby floor and pushed it under her frock. "We'll be on our way," smiled the Wabbit. They all sidled backwards one foot behind the other in the manner of an eighties band. A door came crashing down as they vanished as swiftly as they came.

2. The Wabbit and his Environment

"Your elbow's in my face," said Wabsworth. "I can't help it," meaowed Skratch, "Someone changed the layout," Quantum laughed, "I changed the layout as you call it." Skratch screeched, "cat's need more room." Silence fell. "We all have to get used to change," murmured the Wabbit. "I can operate Quantum from the rear," growled Skratch, "He's on autopilot," said Lapinette. "Why is everyone so grumpy?" asked Quantum, "this is a new and exciting adventure." The Wabbit nudged Lapinette. "It's Wabsworth's job to keep up morale." Wabsworth smiled, "I know some jokes." Lapinette cringed. "Since were going to OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb," said Wabsworth, "I have some cold weather jokes." Skratch hissed "Fire away!" Wabsworth drew a breath. "What's worse than a cold toilet seat?" Everyone shook their heads. "A warm one," grinned Wabsworth. They all groaned  - even Quantum and that sounded like clattering spanners at the loco yard. "When in danger when in doubt," said Quantum, "run in circles, scream and shout!" Lapinette clapped her paws. "Now that was funny!" Quantum laughed. "I know, I won a contest for stand-up locos." The Wabbit was bored, "When do we arrive?" Quantum shrugged as only a locomotive can. They all held onto what they could. "Want to try my new lattice drive?" Before they could reply, he engaged. They all shuddered and felt nauseous. Lapinette was nearly sick but recovered. The rule was, that if you were sick you cleared it up yourself. "We're here," said Quantum. 

1. The Wabbit and the Environmental Trip

"What ho Quantum!" The Wabbit greeted Quantum informally but it was not well received. "I am not a chum," said Quantum, "I am a sophisticated time travelling train." The sky to the Wabbit's rear flickered and pulsed red, pink and violet. "Well, stand by to receive boarders." Quantum's engines powered up. "Neither am I a sailing vessel. I expect you want to go somewhere." The Wabbit's head flicked back. "We don't like the look of the geothermal storm." By this time Quantum's engines were at optimum. "Neither do I. It's unusual to see the Aurora Borealis so far south." The Wabbit's face was serious now, "People are failing to recycle trash properly. And stealing electricity." Quantum's engines throbbed on standby. "That would do it. The place is degenerating day by day." The Wabbit could hear a lecture coming. "I'll be bringing most of the team." Quantum snorted. "That hissy cat will be on board. He gives orders, takes naps and ignores you when you talk." The Wabbit smiled. "Yes, and he stares at the wall as if he knows things about the universe." Quantum shook with laughter. "You do have a sense of humour!" grinned the Wabbit. "Ha! I've made some improvements since your last trip, Commander." The Wabbit inclined his ears. "Nicer seats, better plug-in communications." Quantum sounded smug. "And performance?" asked the Wabbit," "Smoother into lattice drive," replied Quantum." "Weaponry?" asked the Wabbit. "Still the same as befits a train," snapped Quantum, "I'm a locomotive not a frigate." The Wabbit paused. "Prosecco?" Quantum groaned. "As you wish."

The Wabbit's Famous Adventure Caffè

The team gathered as they always did. This time they decided to splash out at Eataly, Skratch looked forward to fish but Lapinette decided on a large plate of hummus and salad. The Wabbit and Wabsworth hadn't decided. "Ask the question Skratch." The Wabbit was determined. "What was that for a sort of adventure you just had?" meaowed Skratch. "It was an archetypal question," smiled Wabsworth. "That's too easy," grinned Lapinette. Skratch drew himself up. "In the old days of movies, getting enough light was a problem. No room for semiotics." The Wabbit wasn't impressed. "Light remains symbolic, always." Wabsworth piped up. "The semiotics of light was also about its lack. Shadow and gloom." Skratch grimaced and shook his head. "Essentially, the story was about environmental factors and the willingness of people to ignore them, so that they could do what they wanted." Lapinette nodded. "A lack of ethics." The Wabbit followed. "A lack of intelligence." Wabsworth couldn't resist. "No scruples." The Wabbit shrugged. "They'll know all about it soon." Lapinette grinned. "I think we'll take a trip to another planet!" The Wabbit couldn't resist. "With a good bar." Wabsworth laughed. "That's the Acua Bar at Planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb. Last one there pays."

7. The Wabbit and the Clutter of the Bins

It was a rude awakening. They'd been enjoying cartoon chaos when with a bang they were back in Rome. Lapinette held her nose and pointed. "Poo bum smell!" she yelled. "This is the end of your environmental journey," said the Lamp. "Which would you rather have? This or Cartoon Cavern?" The Wabbit was jovial. "We have to work on this. This is what we're stuck with." Lapinette was furious, "I don't like it one bit. I preferred the cartoons." The Wabbit shrugged. "People are responsible for this, can't blame anyone but them." The Lamp bounced around. "Look at me. I've been cast aside. No-one bothered to recycle me. I'm just so much garbage." Lapinette grimaced. "So is this the path to environment freedom?" "Yes," replied the lamp. "The freedom to do exactly what the devil you want." The Wabbit shrugged. "The devil has a lot to do with it. He looks and laughs." Lapinette pointed at the lamp. "Clear this up!" The lamp laughed too. "You clear it up." Then it dawned on Lapinette what it was all about. "We're all responsible! But I recycle! I sort and sort." The Lamp said "Good! But if we continue like this, we'll need another two planets to cope." The Wabbit struck the green bin with a paw. I know the very planet. It's desolate. We can put all our rubbish there. The Lamp was not impressed. "Before you know it, the universe will float on a sea of rubbish." Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "What do you suggest then?" The Lamp rocked back and forth. "Don't ask me, I'm only a Lamp." 

6. The Wabbit in Cartoon Cavern

The Wabbit arrived first Lapinette's arrival was more dramatic as she plummeted in a haze of cartoon lines. "Wheeeee!" she cried. Whatever the circumstances, the Wabbit and Lapinette were enjoying their strange journey. They were getting used to being passed on from place to place. "This is like a cartoon Cavern," announced the Wabbit. "Someone obviously put it all together," said Lapinette. The cartoon at the back spoke with glee. "We put ourselves together. We are from the Flatlands." Lapinette joined the Wabbit. "Can you please show us the way to environmental freedom?" The Cartoon laughed, "You're already here. Because we're flat, we have no effect on the environment except pen, ink and paper." The Wabbit grinned. "We're flat too, but we're kind of pixels." Lapinette smiled. "Low impact world." The cartoon smirked. "It's arguable, but I'll let you off." Lapinette was interested. "How did you get to be here in the first place?" "We're collected and collated. Then we took off on a life of our own. Would you like something to eat?" The Wabbit was astonished, "I would." The cartoon picked up a pencil, "I'll draw it for you." He sketched a sandwich and a glass of wine. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and he looked back. He made a face. Lapinette did the same. "Thank you, but we'll wait until we get home." The cartoon munched the sandwich and scoffed the wine. "Suit yourself," he shrugged, "There's a tourist place on the corner." "Prosecco?" queried the Wabbit. "All you can drink," said the cartoon.

5. The Wabbit and Bathtub Bingo

"They told us we could get a drink here," said the Wabbit. "Some drink," replied Lapinette. "Quark quark cocktail," said the Duck. "Looks like water, tastes like prosecco." The Duck paused. "I must say your fur looks wonderful, Commander." It turned to Lapinette. "And it gives you a glorious sheen that I haven't seen in some time. You could be a fashion model." Lapinette smiled. "It's my part time occupation." The Wabbit also smiled. "It's one of your things?" Lapinette splashed him. "I have many things, Wabbit."  The duck floated from one side to another. "That's enough flirting," it said, "Although I must say you do it well." "You ain't seen nothing yet," simpered Lapinette. She batted her eyes at the Wabbit. "Are you a bank loan?" she asked, "because you've sure got my interest." She disappeared beneath the suds, emerged and shook droplets all over the Wabbit. "I do the bad jokes round here," grinned the Wabbit. "When you two have quite finished." The duck was becoming impatient. "I'm supposed to guide you to environmental freedom." Lapinette sat up. "Where is that exactly. Is it in Scotland?" The duck doubled up with laughter. "It's a bit like Shangri La. And you can't get there from here. If you set out now, you'll probably be there sometime in the indeterminate future." "As long as there's a bar," laughed the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Hall of Praise

The Wabbit spiralled into a void - and he was followed swiftly by Lapinette. It was a vast hall, vaster than he'd seen. He kept looking up as if he was looking for stairs, but there were none. A figure emerged from the atmosphere, She looked familiar as if he'd seen her on television. "Boop de loop, Commander, you look dreamy!" Lapinette scowled. "Wabbit this is a dream." The Wabbit wore a silly smile and he responded with, "Am I really dreamy?" The figure twirled with a tray. "You're so funny Commander, I love all of your jokes to bits." The Wabbit's smile became enormous. "Tell me more!" The character span and span. "You're just so definitely delectable and desirable. You're fabulously funny!" Lapinette could see the Wabbit was lapping it up. "Wabbit! Wabbit, snap out of it!" The Boop Creature smiled a sickening smile, "You're so snappy and witty and wise. They should honour you with a prize." Lapinette was furious. She'd had enough. "And who might you be, Miss Scantily Clad? Because you're making me more than mad!" "Sing it," said the creature. Lapinette did sing it, because she couldn't help it. That was it for the Wabbit. He grabbed the creature and turned her upside down, along with her tray. "Take me to your leader!" "You're so handsome when your angry," breathed the creature. Lapinette took her opportunity. She swept her on the floor, pinned her down and hit her with the tray. "Leave my Wabbit alone!" "Oooooh!" said the creature. "Where do we get a drink around here?" The Wabbit was adamant. "Across the Hall." shrugged the creature.

3. The Wabbit and the Pleasant Caffè

The Wabbit met up with Lapinette at a Caffè near Via Marconi. He thought he'd got rid of the light but was surprised to see it had preceded him and had changed colour. Lapinette was waiting with his favourite marocchino coffee. He licked his lips and headed in. "Did you get me a light, Wabbit? It's a nice colour" The Wabbit shrugged. "It came by itself." Lapinette took that to mean it was delivered by a company. "And the coffee?" "Very kind of you," said the Wabbit. "It appeared here too! Just like that!" she gasped. A voice in the Wabbit's head said not to touch the coffee. "Careful with that coffee," said the Wabbit. But it was too late. Her paw stretched out and she grasped the spoon. Then she stirred the coffee. The Wabbit tried to stop her. Some of the coffee splattered onto his fur. He began to feel a bit strange. Lapinette too. The chair began to bend at an alarming angle, then the table. Then the whole caffè turned on its head. "I'm going to light your path," cried the lamp. The caffè started to spin. "I don't want my path litten," cried the Wabbit. "Light your path. I'm a homeopath! Baby I can light your path!" sang the light. Lapinette groped for the light switch but now it didn't work. The coffee was upside down but didn't spill. It swirled round and round. "I don't like my marocchino too frothy," shouted the Wabbit as they dissolved like sugar into the atmosphere.

2. The Light from the Dump

It was only a short distance to the dump - or recycling facility as they called it. He found a light quickly, and although it wasn't strictly an Anglepoise, it would do. He bore it off with a smile. It wasn't very heavy and it was a hateful colour. But the Wabbit would paint it and adorn it with jujus. With a sudden jolt it lit up. "It has power," thought the Wabbit. He fiddled with a switch. Nothing happened. It started to flash. First a long flash then a short one. The Wabbit had no clue where the power was coming from. The cord dangled in the air and when the Wabbit touched it, it gave him a shock. The lamp was sending a message, but it wasn't Morse. It had a code of its own. The Wabbit felt a tingling and a voice spoke. "Save me from the dump, save me and my friends and we will light your path." The Wabbit paused because he sensed a scam coming. "We will light your way to environmental freedom." The Wabbit chuckled. "I only wanted a light for my study. I don't require a political philosophy." The Wabbit felt another shock. He was stuck fast to the lamp and couldn't wriggle free. "I need to think about it," he said and he finally shook the light off. "Stay in the recycling facility, perhaps you'll find a friend." The Wabbit made off, leaving the lamp on the ground. But it sprouted legs and followed him to the exit ...

1. The Wabbit and Arrivederci to All That

The Wabbit was looking for a consumer durable. He usually called it a consumer curable for no other reason than he thought it was funny. He'd set out up the hill with an idea in mind but by the time he got to the top he had forgotten. "Was it a washing machine?" he thought. No, he didn't think so. A robot vacuum cleaner? No, that wasn't it. Microchip? His shoulders heaved. No. He shook his head. A clock shaped like a cat? He knew Skratch would laugh and give him hell. Oven, Air frier, Dishwasher? Nope. So he thought he'd go in the shop and look at everything and then he would be reminded. He looked over his shoulder and saw the big sign "Arrivederci." "I've only just arrived," he thought. But he had an idea. He could buy the sign, then wave it at unwanted guests. They would get the message and take their leave. But he knew that would be impolite. He could see Lapinette waving her paws at him. Singing the National Anthem worked better. They would get up and he would hand them their hats and coats. He laughed and proceeded down a long avenue filled with washing machines. They stared at him with single eyes and implored him, "Buy me!" That was when he remembered what the desired object was. "An Anglepoise lamp!" He knew exactly the type he wanted. But when he spoke to a woman at the front desk, she said they didn't have that exact model. He proceeded out of the store with a disappointed expression. "Arrivederci," he said. 

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at their Caffè by the old Gregory Cinema, now a furniture showroom. It retained many original features including the awning. The Wabbit always called it the yawning, but no-one laughed. He smiled because he was known for his bad jokes. Skratch leaned in. "What was that for a very short adventure you just had?" Lapinette didn't care, "A shorty and a goody." Wabsworth was on it. "Could we term the AI bot as a monster? That brings with it a variety of intertextual codes." The Wabbit scoffed. "Not much of a monster!" Lapinette was inclined to differ. "It was made of shiny steel and had surreal touches." Skratch meaowed, "He was of an extra textual reality. He interacted with real world realities, but only to superimpose cyborg ones." Wabsworth was at pains to point out that he was an android. "I am more human and less machine." Lapinette looked askance at him. "You're not going to lead an android uprising!" "How do you know?" replied Wabsworth. He winked at Skratch. "I couldn't be bothered. Too much work." The Wabbit laughed. "Are you buying the drinks then?" There was a soft tittering. "Maybe," said Wabsworth, "How much are they?" "About a fiver each," said Lapinette. "Disgraceful!" shouted Wabsworth. He felt in his fur and pulled out a bank debit card. "I'm keeping a record." Skratch nodded. "I prefer to work in cash. No records." Wabsworth pretended to scowl. "Then you buy the drinks!"