3, The Wabbit and the Fronds of Fortune

Lapinette wanted to know all about the body with no head. The Wabbit explained as much as he knew. "Was it sawn off or ripped off?" Lapinette wanted to know all the gory details. "Torn off I'd say." Lapinette shuddered. The Department was doing up the building and oblivious to everything else, so they strolled through the entrance. "Curious smell." Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "Seaweed would you say?" "The Wabbit grimaced, because the Department were always trying out new therapies. "You have to lie in a batch of cold seaweed and pretend you're enjoying it." Lapinette's eyes stood out like organ stops. "Sounds ghastly." The Wabbit shrugged. "It's not so bad when you get used to it." Lapinette smiled, "Don't the fronds get up your nose." The Wabbit shrugged again. "If you do, you get a helping bonus." Lapinette sniffed again. "I smell the sea." "So do I." They could see a damp patch. With a muffled slushing a sea monster stepped out - and continued, dripping, into the building. "Well it's not the interior decorators again," said the Wabbit, "because that's the sea monster from our last adventure!" Lapinette struck her forehead. "He said he was single use." They watched him. "Maybe he's promoting plastic waste," said the Wabbit, "you know these bottles with the cap attached." Lapinette scowled, "I've ruined three frocks because of these." They followed him round a corner. "He seems to be headed for the bar." The Wabbit grew excited. Lapinette shook her head. "And he won't be buying drinks." "You just never know," smiled the Wabbit. 

2. The Wabbit and the Ventilator Shaft

The Wabbit and Wabsworth stared at the body. "It doesn't move much," mused the Wabbit. "Well it doesn't have a head," replied Wabsworth. "Identity?" The Wabbit went through the motions. "AN Other?" said Wabsworth. The Wabbit laughed. He scanned the body, "Why the magnifying glass?" Wabsworth hummed and hawed, "Some kind of joke Commander? Like they're expecting Sherlock Holmes?" The Wabbit heaved a sigh. "Where's Tipsy?" "I'm here Commander." Tipsy was holding a head by the ears. "I found the head." The Wabbit inclined his head. "In the ventilation shaft. With the blue funnels." The Wabbit groaned. "Now we have to report it to the high-ups." Wabsworth shook his head. "We always had to do that Commander." The Wabbit stomped around. "Has he been searched?" Wabsworth shook his head again, "I hate murder cases," said the Wabbit. "Go through his fur." Wabsworth bent over the body, "Where shall I put this?" asked Tipsy. She shook the head. "That's vital evidence," said the Wabbit. "Anyway why is there only one ear?" Tipsy dropped the head and clumped back to the ventilation shaft. "No ear here." She swept back and picked up the head. "I'll put it back where I found it." The Wabbit sighed at the crash. "Find anything?" Wabsworth's look said it all. "A hank of hair, a cinema ticket stub and a letter to France - in code." The Wabbit was glad there was no-one else around. "Get the cleaners in. What was the film?" Wabsworth smiled. "Claires Knee." 

1. The Wabbit and the ill-timed Murder

The small bar in Via Gregorio VII was in danger of becoming the Wabbit's new office. The sun was piercing and although it was late September it was pleasantly warm. He felt no need to turn up the heating in his coat. So he smiled to himself, ordered a glass of prosecco and relaxed. But the radio crackled. He forced a grin, "Wabbit! Speak!" Wabsworth voice penetrated the static. "You're very managerial today, Commander." The Wabbit heaved a sigh. "Surely not work, it's Saturday." He could feel Wabsworth's shrug. "Foul deeds care not for the weekend." The Wabbit contemplated Macbeth. "There's been a murder." For an android, Wabsworth could be dramatic. "You think you're Taggart?" The Wabbit relaxed again. He could see his prosecco coming. "So why is it our business?" The Wabbit was in a don't care mode. "It's an Agent," hissed Wabsworth. "Take a few of my personal guard." "They're on a drinking holiday." The Wabbit groaned. He was going to suggest Lapinette's personal guard but knew that without proper authorisation Lapinette might get the hump. "I'll get in touch with Lapinette. Her personal guard can handle it." Wabsworth flinched. "They frighten me." The Wabbit laughed. "Me too. Give them forensic kits and set 'em loose." There was a long pause. The radio crackled again. "That dead Agent, he's got no head."

The Wabbit's Famous Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit looked at the sign. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. He was looking round for everyone but they were all there. Skratch appeared from above the sign. Wabsworth looked out from the side. "What does the sign say?" asked Skratch, "No-one cares about the sign," said the Wabbit, "only the signified drinks." Skratch chuckled, "Good one, Wabbit!" Wabsworth grinned, "Look, I see them coming now!" The Wabbit was pleased with his team. "Now you can all tell me what kind of Adventure we just had." Skratch's head bobbed up and down. "It was a merciless adventure where no-one knew what was happening." Wabsworth chipped in. "It foregrounded the monster in dialogue but he did not appear. Then when he did, he did not stay long." Lapinette was not to be outdone, "It was a fuzzy model of a monster with a fuzzy set of principles. He couldn't be pinned down. He was in a state of vague temporality." Skratch meaowed. "Indefinite deictics," he murmured, "neither in one time nor the other." Wabsworth disagreed. "He did have something to say about our environment." The Wabbit laughed. "That's ending soon." Skratch hooted, "You're on form today, Wabbit." The Wabbit giggled. "But where are our drinks?" Now Wabsworth threw back his head and laughed an android laugh. "On the table in front of you." The Wabbit looked down. "Sooner than expected!"

4. The Wabbit and the Single Use Monster

"Oh for Fred's Sake!" said the Wabbit, "Is this him?" The Monster roared and stomped in the sand. "I smell rabbits!" He dripped salty water and it made muddy pools round his feet. "My name is Fred, you'll wish you were dead." He shook and sprayed water like a salty dog. "I am a single use monster and will appear no more. Unless I feel like it." A wind blew up and waves splashed on the beach. "I don't like these umbrellas," said Fred. He gnashed his teeth and stomped some more. "Too much schtraw." He mashed the word in his mouth, then spat it out. "I don't like sea, waves, sand and beaches in general. I don't like sun loungers either." Lapinette pouted, "Is there anything you do like?" He stomped and stomped. "To be left alone for my short period of existence." "How long is that?" asked the Wabbit. "A day," said the monster, "After which I reappear as something else - even more monstrous and angrier than usual." The Wabbit grinned, "Can I offer you an ice cream?" Fred, the Monster bellowed. "I despise ice cream and all derivatives thereof." Lapinette took her turn to placate the monster. "How about a nice bottle of iced tea? "No!" "A refreshing can of beer?" "No!" Lapinette was running out of patience. "A chilled glass of prosecco?" The Monster half turned. "You nearly had me there. But I must go. Your single use is up." He began to crumble. The Wabbit stepped forward to grasp what was left of Fred, but his paws came away almost empty - there was nothing but plastic straws and bottle caps. "You don't see that every day," gasped Lapinette. "He'll be back," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and events at Campomarino

Lapinette and the Wabbit strolled the streets of Campomarino. Lapinette was fascinated with the murals, but the Wabbit hummed and hawed. "Albanian?" he said. "I think there was a community here," answered Lapinette. "Shops?" asked the Wabbit. "Closed, it's Sunday." answered Lapinette. "Bars?" queried the Wabbit, "Shut until 4 pm." said Lapinette. "Well it's certainly picturesque," mused the Wabbit. He expected a monster to come round the corner. "There are no monsters either, you're on holiday," Lapinette was firm. "I hear music," groaned the Wabbit. "They're just paintings, Wabbit." Lapinette smiled. She looked up and down the street all the same. "They do talk of a sea monster in these parts. It comes ashore and wanders the town looking for rabbits." She stifled a giggle. But the Wabbit looked alarmed. "What is it called?" he asked. "Fred," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit realised his leg was being pulled. "Ha ha, very funny!" Lapinette took him by the paw and led him down the hill. The sky darkened just like it had at Monte Mario and they heard bellowing. The Wabbit refused to speculate about monsters. "I think it's strolling players. Troubadours." " Lapinette clapped her paws. "Let's have a look." They looked and looked round every corner but there was nothing. They got to the sea. Waves broke on the beach. Something emerged and it was covered in seaweed. "Fred! I am Fred!" it yelled. "We're on holiday!" shouted the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Lovely Sunrise

Lapinette transported the Wabbit to a beach in Turbina the Jet Car. He woke up to a lovely sunrise and stared at the sky. It was far, far away from Rome and his post-nuclear restaurant. "You don't look happy, Wabbit." Lapinette looked on with a benign expression because the Wabbit was seldom happy. "You're on vacation, Wabbit. Cheer up." The Wabbit managed half a smile. "I suppose I do need a break," he said, but something always happens." Lapinette grinned. "Just look at this beach and that lovely sky, Wabbit. What could possibly go wrong?" The Wabbit scanned the scene. It was idyllic, no doubt about that. He scuffed the sand with his feet and did a little jig. "There you are Wabbit," said Lapinette, "No enemies, no impending danger, nothing to sully your fur." The Wabbit smiled. "I suppose I could lie in the sun and read a book." Lapinette waited to hear what book the Wabbit had brought. "In my cabin, I have the complete works of Gaston Bachelard." Lapinette gasped. "I thought you'd brought the collected volumes of Taggart." The Wabbit burst into mirth. "That miserable old devil. I'm on holiday. I need cheering up." Lapinette sulked. "Then you won't need the book I bought you. Taggart: The first Ten Years." The Wabbit showed interest. "Is it back at the cabin?" "Yes, and some DVDs. Wanna come?" Lapinette smiled a knowing smile. The Wabbit huffed and puffed. "Is there any prosecco?" Lapinette fell about. "It's six in the morning." The Wabbit made a face. "I never make such restrictive rules."