5. The Wabbit and Bathtub Bingo

"They told us we could get a drink here," said the Wabbit. "Some drink," replied Lapinette. "Quark quark cocktail," said the Duck. "Looks like water, tastes like prosecco." The Duck paused. "I must say your fur looks wonderful, Commander." It turned to Lapinette. "And it gives you a glorious sheen that I haven't seen in some time. You could be a fashion model." Lapinette smiled. "It's my part time occupation." The Wabbit also smiled. "It's one of your things?" Lapinette splashed him. "I have many things, Wabbit."  The duck floated from one side to another. "That's enough flirting," it said, "Although I must say you do it well." "You ain't seen nothing yet," simpered Lapinette. She batted her eyes at the Wabbit. "Are you a bank loan?" she asked, "because you've sure got my interest." She disappeared beneath the suds, emerged and shook droplets all over the Wabbit. "I do the bad jokes round here," grinned the Wabbit. "When you two have quite finished." The duck was becoming impatient. "I'm supposed to guide you to environmental freedom." Lapinette sat up. "Where is that exactly. Is it in Scotland?" The duck doubled up with laughter. "It's a bit like Shangri La. And you can't get there from here. If you set out now, you'll probably be there sometime in the indeterminate future." "As long as there's a bar," laughed the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Hall of Praise

The Wabbit spiralled into a void - and he was followed swiftly by Lapinette. It was a vast hall, vaster than he'd seen. He kept looking up as if he was looking for stairs, but there were none. A figure emerged from the atmosphere, She looked familiar as if he'd seen her on television. "Boop de loop, Commander, you look dreamy!" Lapinette scowled. "Wabbit this is a dream." The Wabbit wore a silly smile and he responded with, "Am I really dreamy?" The figure twirled with a tray. "You're so funny Commander, I love all of your jokes to bits." The Wabbit's smile became enormous. "Tell me more!" The character span and span. "You're just so definitely delectable and desirable. You're fabulously funny!" Lapinette could see the Wabbit was lapping it up. "Wabbit! Wabbit, snap out of it!" The Boop Creature smiled a sickening smile, "You're so snappy and witty and wise. They should honour you with a prize." Lapinette was furious. She'd had enough. "And who might you be, Miss Scantily Clad? Because you're making me more than mad!" "Sing it," said the creature. Lapinette did sing it, because she couldn't help it. That was it for the Wabbit. He grabbed the creature and turned her upside down, along with her tray. "Take me to your leader!" "You're so handsome when your angry," breathed the creature. Lapinette took her opportunity. She swept her on the floor, pinned her down and hit her with the tray. "Leave my Wabbit alone!" "Oooooh!" said the creature. "Where do we get a drink around here?" The Wabbit was adamant. "Across the Hall." shrugged the creature.

3. The Wabbit and the Pleasant Caffè

The Wabbit met up with Lapinette at a Caffè near Via Marconi. He thought he'd got rid of the light but was surprised to see it had preceded him and had changed colour. Lapinette was waiting with his favourite marocchino coffee. He licked his lips and headed in. "Did you get me a light, Wabbit? It's a nice colour" The Wabbit shrugged. "It came by itself." Lapinette took that to mean it was delivered by a company. "And the coffee?" "Very kind of you," said the Wabbit. "It appeared here too! Just like that!" she gasped. A voice in the Wabbit's head said not to touch the coffee. "Careful with that coffee," said the Wabbit. But it was too late. Her paw stretched out and she grasped the spoon. Then she stirred the coffee. The Wabbit tried to stop her. Some of the coffee splattered onto his fur. He began to feel a bit strange. Lapinette too. The chair began to bend at an alarming angle, then the table. Then the whole caffè turned on its head. "I'm going to light your path," cried the lamp. The caffè started to spin. "I don't want my path litten," cried the Wabbit. "Light your path. I'm a homeopath! Baby I can light your path!" sang the light. Lapinette groped for the light switch but now it didn't work. The coffee was upside down but didn't spill. It swirled round and round. "I don't like my marocchino too frothy," shouted the Wabbit as they dissolved like sugar into the atmosphere.

2. The Light from the Dump

It was only a short distance to the dump - or recycling facility as they called it. He found a light quickly, and although it wasn't strictly an Anglepoise, it would do. He bore it off with a smile. It wasn't very heavy and it was a hateful colour. But the Wabbit would paint it and adorn it with jujus. With a sudden jolt it lit up. "It has power," thought the Wabbit. He fiddled with a switch. Nothing happened. It started to flash. First a long flash then a short one. The Wabbit had no clue where the power was coming from. The cord dangled in the air and when the Wabbit touched it, it gave him a shock. The lamp was sending a message, but it wasn't Morse. It had a code of its own. The Wabbit felt a tingling and a voice spoke. "Save me from the dump, save me and my friends and we will light your path." The Wabbit paused because he sensed a scam coming. "We will light your way to environmental freedom." The Wabbit chuckled. "I only wanted a light for my study. I don't require a political philosophy." The Wabbit felt another shock. He was stuck fast to the lamp and couldn't wriggle free. "I need to think about it," he said and he finally shook the light off. "Stay in the recycling facility, perhaps you'll find a friend." The Wabbit made off, leaving the lamp on the ground. But it sprouted legs and followed him to the exit ...

1. The Wabbit and Arrivederci to All That

The Wabbit was looking for a consumer durable. He usually called it a consumer curable for no other reason than he thought it was funny. He'd set out up the hill with an idea in mind but by the time he got to the top he had forgotten. "Was it a washing machine?" he thought. No, he didn't think so. A robot vacuum cleaner? No, that wasn't it. Microchip? His shoulders heaved. No. He shook his head. A clock shaped like a cat? He knew Skratch would laugh and give him hell. Oven, Air frier, Dishwasher? Nope. So he thought he'd go in the shop and look at everything and then he would be reminded. He looked over his shoulder and saw the big sign "Arrivederci." "I've only just arrived," he thought. But he had an idea. He could buy the sign, then wave it at unwanted guests. They would get the message and take their leave. But he knew that would be impolite. He could see Lapinette waving her paws at him. Singing the National Anthem worked better. They would get up and he would hand them their hats and coats. He laughed and proceeded down a long avenue filled with washing machines. They stared at him with single eyes and implored him, "Buy me!" That was when he remembered what the desired object was. "An Anglepoise lamp!" He knew exactly the type he wanted. But when he spoke to a woman at the front desk, she said they didn't have that exact model. He proceeded out of the store with a disappointed expression. "Arrivederci," he said. 

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at their Caffè by the old Gregory Cinema, now a furniture showroom. It retained many original features including the awning. The Wabbit always called it the yawning, but no-one laughed. He smiled because he was known for his bad jokes. Skratch leaned in. "What was that for a very short adventure you just had?" Lapinette didn't care, "A shorty and a goody." Wabsworth was on it. "Could we term the AI bot as a monster? That brings with it a variety of intertextual codes." The Wabbit scoffed. "Not much of a monster!" Lapinette was inclined to differ. "It was made of shiny steel and had surreal touches." Skratch meaowed, "He was of an extra textual reality. He interacted with real world realities, but only to superimpose cyborg ones." Wabsworth was at pains to point out that he was an android. "I am more human and less machine." Lapinette looked askance at him. "You're not going to lead an android uprising!" "How do you know?" replied Wabsworth. He winked at Skratch. "I couldn't be bothered. Too much work." The Wabbit laughed. "Are you buying the drinks then?" There was a soft tittering. "Maybe," said Wabsworth, "How much are they?" "About a fiver each," said Lapinette. "Disgraceful!" shouted Wabsworth. He felt in his fur and pulled out a bank debit card. "I'm keeping a record." Skratch nodded. "I prefer to work in cash. No records." Wabsworth pretended to scowl. "Then you buy the drinks!" 

3, Wabsworth and the Fiery Bot

They grabbed the bot and hauled him to the market. Wabsworth worked on him with a flaming paw. That's when it all went crazy. The bot shouted ads and flames cascaded from his mouth. Wabsworth's wires jumped and sputtered. The Wabbit could not believe his eyes as Lapinette appeared yelling from the market canopies and fired a flaming blade where Wabsworth's cables met the bot. "You'll need this if you want to stop him." She meant every word. "Fry his components like a fish supper!" The Wabbit looked on with interest. He turned to Wabsworth. "Did you get him?" The bot turned in a circle and fired a few vague adverts. "Come for tea in Tuscanee, be free, be free - in B&B!" it warbled. "He's not gone, shouted Wabsworth. "Fire your blades again Lapinette." More blades shot from Lapinette's paws. "Take that you mis-adventuring meaow! Never harass the Wabbit again." The bot's spindly arms flailed. The armchair head lost its stuffing. Legs bounced from walls. Yet the ads continued. "Win, bet, win, a sausage din!" "Deep purge!" shouted Wabsworth. Lapinette fired her last blades then all was quiet. The bot crumbled. Components rolled. Severed connections flashed and died. "Well," said the Wabbit, "You don't see that everyday." "I'm thirsty", gasped Lapinette. Wabsworth looked up his data banks. "I have a cocktail called Terminal Lightning. I'll mix it for you now." "It'll do!" said the Wabbit. "Mix it up, live it up!" Lapinette jumped down from the roof. "Feeling fine, tasting wine!" 

2. The Wabbit and Wabsworth's View

The Wabbit met up with Wabsworth in his favourite shopping centre. Wabsworth liked to haunt around Euronics and change things. Then he would stand aside and watch people's amusement. He was just coming out when the Wabbit arrived. "I wanted your point of view," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth laughed, "You're in luck it's not lost!" The Wabbit grinned because he always appreciated Wabsworth's sense of humour. He touched Wabsworth on his arm. "Humour me," he said. "I've got bot trouble." Wabsworth and the Wabbit were great pals, so he paid attention. "What kind of bot?" "An advertising bot, "sulked the Wabbit. "The worst kind," smirked Wabsworth. They hopped for a bit. "Does it look anything like that fellow there?" Wabsworth looked back over his shoulder. The Wabbit looked too. "That's him, he's following me with annoying adverts." Wabsworth sighed. "I saw him earlier, he looked sad. I tuned him up to be happier." The Wabbit waited. "Now he's got an annoying giggle," smiled Wabsworth. "Oh no, like everyone else," groaned the Wabbit, "Look out here he comes!" They snuck around a corner, "He seems attached to you!" commented Wabsworth. The Wabbit knew all about attachment since he'd studied a module on Bowlby at night school. "I'd like to lose him." Wabsworth thought about it and eventually said, "We'll need to electronically purge him, but that's easier said than done." The Wabbit smiled a smile that went on ever. "What's the middle of one location?" Wabsworth didn't hesitate, "That same location." "Thank goodness," replied the Wabbit, "I thought I'd have to leave the house."