5. Lapinette and the Big Squeeze

Lapinette and her personal guard hurried to Rome as fast as they could - and for a while everything seemed normal. But when they scouted out the Vatican, things went pear shaped. Literally. The pillars bent outwards behind them. They moved with care and looked round every corner, but the strange phenomenon was everywhere. And it was all too quiet. During Christmas the Vatican swarmed with worshippers but there was not a soul. Tipsy led the way. "I smell something." Fitzy sniffed the air. "I can smell it too." Mitzy brought up the rear. "Smells like a fertiliser factory." It was an earthy smell that Lapinette was familiar with. It smelled like bacteria gone bad. "Poo bum smell," said Tipsy. "Dagnabbit dognoobs!" screeched Fitzy. "Now I know who they are," said Lapinette. "Point them out!" shrieked Tipsy. "It's the Ice Mice. They're controlling things from a space platform." Lapinette seemed calm - now that she knew who it was. "Dirty, smelly poo platform!" shouted Tipsy. She waved her weapon in a menacing manner. "I'll shoot it down." Lapinette shook her head. "It'll crash on the city." She lifted her walkie talkie. "Come in, Wabbit." The radio crackled. "Wabbito here-io." Lapinette sighed. "Be serious Wabbit. We have a situation," "Tell me about it," said the Wabbit, "I'm still drying out." Lapinette took no notice. "It's the Ice Mice." The radio crackled again. "These frothing fools. They exist to make my life difficult." With a horrific crunching the pillars returned to normal. "Shiblets!" muttered Tipsy. "We're making our way to Testaccio," said Lapinette. "Where are you now?" asked the Wabbit. "The Vatican," replied Lapinette. "The Mice must have come to meet Cheesus," snickered the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "You're not funny, Wabbit." The radio crackled and died.  

4. The Wabbit in the Ghostly Rain

The Wabbit got out of Turbina. The door slammed behind him. Rain lashed down harder than he had ever seen and he wished he hadn't bothered. Turbina had a spartan interior, but the heater was particularly good. A grim moon shone through the rain and he looked up, shook his fist and growled. He turned to Turbina. "This isn't Testaccio!" Turbina's voice was rather strained. "I couldn't see it. I'm not clear where we are Commander." The Wabbit hopped around for a bit and then he got back in the car. "Under the Tiber by the feel of things." He could hear the clicking of Turbina's engine cooling, so he started her up and let her turbine take care of the temperature. "Solution?" he shrugged. "I can try to get above it, Wabbit," said Turbina. The Wabbit didn't have a better idea so he shrugged again and said, "Go for it." The rain produced a mist that shrouded them completely and buffeted them at the same time. Turbina lifted gradually. She had many dials and gauges but all of them were well misted. The Wabbit put his paws behind him and settled back until the air became clearer. With a lurch, Turbina cleared the deluge. The Wabbit looked down at a layer of solid water. "You did say to expect rain." "I didn't expect ghostly daggers from the sky," replied Turbina. The Wabbit jolted upright, "Now that gives me an idea!" Turbina laughed. "Ideas are in short supply." The Wabbit looked down and he could see Rome again. The rain had gone. "Ideas are like fish," he said, "They slip through the paws." "And leave them smelly for three days," said Turbina.

3. The Wabbit heads for Rome

The Wabbit grimaced and clenched his teeth. He'd left instructions with the team and raced for Turbina the Jet Car. He jumped in and off he went. Turbina was a little anxious. "Commander?" she asked. "Emergency!" snapped the Wabbit. Turbina left the ground and circled round. "Rome?" She knew it was Christmas and it was always Rome. The Wabbit felt the throb of Turbina's turbine. "Stay low," he muttered. Turbina blasted down the motorway a few hundred feet above the road. It was always a good bet. The traffic was mostly concerned with itself and unlikely to be any bother. Technically, Turbina outranked the Wabbit by a long way but on occasions she did what was best and went along with him. "Something strange is happening," he stated. "Surely not?" Turbina would have smiled but she was a car. She contented herself by switching the radio on. "Still, still I wonder. Who'll stop the rain?" sang Credence Clearwater Revival. "It's raining in Rome," she added - by way of explanation. The Wabbit shivered and turned on the heating. His paws beat a tattoo on the dashboard. "It's always a crisis. I just can't have a quiet Christmas, sitting by the fire, reading a book." In all the years Turbina had known the Wabbit, she'd never known him sitting reading by any fire. She said so. He looked down at the motorway and saw signs for the Vatican. "Were going to Testaccio," he said. Turbina snorted and made a slight adjustment. "How is my old friend Terni?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Bad tempered as usual." Turbina laughed. "Not like you then?"
[Background motorway. Pixabay Florien Kurz] 

2. Terni and the Devilish Phenomenon

Terni the Food Dragon was patrolling Rome and keeping a watchful eye out. It was close to Christmas and there had been too may occurrences for him to ignore. He swooped round by the Coliseum then wheeled round to the church known as Chiesa del Santissimo Nome di Maria al Foro Traiano. Terni thought the name far too long for such a beautiful church. He always called it Maria. That was when he felt the iciness and saw the flickering light. Although it was a sunny day, a strange shimmering chilled the winter air to freezing and his scales caught the edge of it. "What the very devil is that?" His wings beat faster and he made a ninety-degree turn. "I need to get in touch with the Wabbit." So he sent out an emergency bulletin straight from his brain. It was a while before the Wabbit answered. "I was going to call you, Terni. We have a mission in Rome." Terni swooped higher to pick up fresh currents, but the strange phenomenon affected all the surrounding area. Bricks fell off the church and scattered in the streets below. "Better hurry, Commander, there's something going on here." The Wabbit's radio crackled. "It is unspeakably evil?" Terni made for Testaccio. Fire issued from his pepper mouth as he gained speed. "It's threateningly unpleasant." The radio static increased. He heard the Wabbit say, "Hmm," and felt the need to be terse. "'Hmm', doesn't sound urgent enough, Wabbit!" Terni loved the Wabbit dearly but sometimes he stressed people out. "Get down here now. While there's still something to get down here for!" He listened for what seemed an age. "Keep your scales on Terni. Won't be long. Out." Terni folded his wings as he coasted in to land in Testaccio. "I need a Flaming Dragon."

1. The Wabbit and the Christmas Prelude

The Wabbit was searching for an early Christmas present for Lapinette. He paused by a wine shop he'd never seen before and mulled over the bottles. Deep in thought he was startled by a cry. "Wabbit, Wabbit, Christmas orders." It was Lapinette. "Oh, just the usual," he said, "A barrel of bonhomie and two packets of crisps." Lapinette laughed. "Not that kind of order," she breathed. "It's Christmas orders from the Department." The Wabbit swung round. "Well, I wasn't expecting anything this late. Rome is it?" Lapinette jumped in the air. "It always is!" The Wabbit's ears curled. "Philosophers' Stones? Christmas pizzas? Time warps? Quantum wells?" Lapinette's ears curled too. "I don't know, Wabbit. The orders are sealed." They both hopped along the porticos holding paws. "Must be importantly important," murmured the Wabbit. He hunched into his fur. "Better assemble the team. and don't tell them anything." Lapinette sighed. "I don't know anything!" "All the better," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette was now completely confused - as was the Wabbit. "Is the truck serviced?" said the Wabbit, for want of anything better to say. "It's at the ready as you well know," responded Lapinette. She knew the Wabbit could be difficult but sometimes he was downright annoying. "Your personal armed guard?" asked the Wabbit. "They're thirsting for blood," retorted Lapinette. "As long as it's not mine." The Wabbit smiled weakly and his blood pressure soared. They hopped a little further. "Sure you have no idea?" said the Wabbit suddenly. Lapinette put her paws at her waist. "I heard a rumour about unspeakable and impossible evil." The Wabbit grinned. "Nothing out of the ordinary then?"

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team were about to take their seats at the chosen Adventure Caffè when Lapinette pointed to the sky and yelled, "It's going to rain." The Wabbit looked up at the unrelenting blue sky and shook his head. Skratch looked perturbed and started to make off. Wabsworth grinned because his barometric subroutines indicated that the weather was about to change. "Definitely rain," said Lapinette. Rain in Turin was a serious business. It poured down suddenly and soaked everyone in its path. "Nonsense," said the Wabbit, "Let's sit down - and if it rains we'll move." Skratch wanted to get down to business. He looked at the sky and made an anxious face. "What was that for a sort of adventure you just had?" Lapinette also squinted at the sky and made a face. "The semiotics of machines is quite different from humans. Spatialising the Euclidean Faction challenges the reader's linear path." Wabsworth smiled. "But it's a matter of coherence and incoherence." Skratch meaowed deeply. "Do you feel we're caught in chaos textuality and the disintegration of action?" The Wabbit chimed in with another question. "Do you then feel there was too much sensory overload?" Lapinette frowned. "No, not at all. There is little wrong with visceral impact." Wabsworth felt the first spit of rain. He laughed. "Is this umbrella tough enough to withstand the visceral impact of Turin rain?" The Wabbit shrugged. "I propose to tough it out." Skratch purred. "Shall we go inside?" The Wabbit scowled. "And get a reputation for being untough?" "That's not even a word," laughed Lapinette.

[I am indebted to a conversation at Open Culture by Colin Marshall]

6. The Wabbit and the Big Clear Out

The Wabbit never felt as calm as he did now. Things flash and banged around him, but he was cool as a cucumber. Susan the Biplane dragged the sharpies of the Euclidean Faction away and the Wabbit was content to look on. Remnants of the football bomb floated in the air. He toyed with the grappling device and mused to himself. "You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs." Wabsworth smiled. "Who said that?" Lapinette chuckled. "Just about everybody." Lapinette jumped up and down and waved her paws. "Take 'em away!" They all shook their heads because no-one knew what to do with them. "Where did you get the grappler device?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette grinned. "Local Carabiniere. I walked straight in and asked for a spike strip. They wanted to know what a pretty little lop ear rabbit like me wanted it for. I said it was a for a rough party." The Wabbit nodded and looked around. "True enough," he said. Wabsworth wanted to know where the Euclidean faction came from. "A simple mathematical dispute. You know what mathematicians are like." The Wabbit was still thinking of where to put them. "What about an asteroid belt? They can very well work out a way to get home." Wabsworth started to laugh. "They'll have to resolve into non-Euclidean space." "And back again," grinned the Wabbit. Lapinette nearly had the final word. "They have to take into account the warp factor of our jokes." But Wabsworth jumped in. "In the Orion belt that's a huge waist of Space."