5. The Wabbit and Bathtub Bingo

"They told us we could get a drink here," said the Wabbit. "Some drink," replied Lapinette. "Quark quark cocktail," said the Duck. "Looks like water, tastes like prosecco." The Duck paused. "I must say your fur looks wonderful, Commander." It turned to Lapinette. "And it gives you a glorious sheen that I haven't seen in some time. You could be a fashion model." Lapinette smiled. "It's my part time occupation." The Wabbit also smiled. "It's one of your things?" Lapinette splashed him. "I have many things, Wabbit."  The duck floated from one side to another. "That's enough flirting," it said, "Although I must say you do it well." "You ain't seen nothing yet," simpered Lapinette. She batted her eyes at the Wabbit. "Are you a bank loan?" she asked, "because you've sure got my interest." She disappeared beneath the suds, emerged and shook droplets all over the Wabbit. "I do the bad jokes round here," grinned the Wabbit. "When you two have quite finished." The duck was becoming impatient. "I'm supposed to guide you to environmental freedom." Lapinette sat up. "Where is that exactly. Is it in Scotland?" The duck doubled up with laughter. "It's a bit like Shangri La. And you can't get there from here. If you set out now, you'll probably be there sometime in the indeterminate future." "As long as there's a bar," laughed the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Hall of Praise

The Wabbit spiralled into a void - and he was followed swiftly by Lapinette. It was a vast hall, vaster than he'd seen. He kept looking up as if he was looking for stairs, but there were none. A figure emerged from the atmosphere, She looked familiar as if he'd seen her on television. "Boop de loop, Commander, you look dreamy!" Lapinette scowled. "Wabbit this is a dream." The Wabbit wore a silly smile and he responded with, "Am I really dreamy?" The figure twirled with a tray. "You're so funny Commander, I love all of your jokes to bits." The Wabbit's smile became enormous. "Tell me more!" The character span and span. "You're just so definitely delectable and desirable. You're fabulously funny!" Lapinette could see the Wabbit was lapping it up. "Wabbit! Wabbit, snap out of it!" The Boop Creature smiled a sickening smile, "You're so snappy and witty and wise. They should honour you with a prize." Lapinette was furious. She'd had enough. "And who might you be, Miss Scantily Clad? Because you're making me more than mad!" "Sing it," said the creature. Lapinette did sing it, because she couldn't help it. That was it for the Wabbit. He grabbed the creature and turned her upside down, along with her tray. "Take me to your leader!" "You're so handsome when your angry," breathed the creature. Lapinette took her opportunity. She swept her on the floor, pinned her down and hit her with the tray. "Leave my Wabbit alone!" "Oooooh!" said the creature. "Where do we get a drink around here?" The Wabbit was adamant. "Across the Hall." shrugged the creature.

3. The Wabbit and the Pleasant Caffè

The Wabbit met up with Lapinette at a Caffè near Via Marconi. He thought he'd got rid of the light but was surprised to see it had preceded him and had changed colour. Lapinette was waiting with his favourite marocchino coffee. He licked his lips and headed in. "Did you get me a light, Wabbit? It's a nice colour" The Wabbit shrugged. "It came by itself." Lapinette took that to mean it was delivered by a company. "And the coffee?" "Very kind of you," said the Wabbit. "It appeared here too! Just like that!" she gasped. A voice in the Wabbit's head said not to touch the coffee. "Careful with that coffee," said the Wabbit. But it was too late. Her paw stretched out and she grasped the spoon. Then she stirred the coffee. The Wabbit tried to stop her. Some of the coffee splattered onto his fur. He began to feel a bit strange. Lapinette too. The chair began to bend at an alarming angle, then the table. Then the whole caffè turned on its head. "I'm going to light your path," cried the lamp. The caffè started to spin. "I don't want my path litten," cried the Wabbit. "Light your path. I'm a homeopath! Baby I can light your path!" sang the light. Lapinette groped for the light switch but now it didn't work. The coffee was upside down but didn't spill. It swirled round and round. "I don't like my marocchino too frothy," shouted the Wabbit as they dissolved like sugar into the atmosphere.

2. The Light from the Dump

It was only a short distance to the dump - or recycling facility as they called it. He found a light quickly, and although it wasn't strictly an Anglepoise, it would do. He bore it off with a smile. It wasn't very heavy and it was a hateful colour. But the Wabbit would paint it and adorn it with jujus. With a sudden jolt it lit up. "It has power," thought the Wabbit. He fiddled with a switch. Nothing happened. It started to flash. First a long flash then a short one. The Wabbit had no clue where the power was coming from. The cord dangled in the air and when the Wabbit touched it, it gave him a shock. The lamp was sending a message, but it wasn't Morse. It had a code of its own. The Wabbit felt a tingling and a voice spoke. "Save me from the dump, save me and my friends and we will light your path." The Wabbit paused because he sensed a scam coming. "We will light your way to environmental freedom." The Wabbit chuckled. "I only wanted a light for my study. I don't require a political philosophy." The Wabbit felt another shock. He was stuck fast to the lamp and couldn't wriggle free. "I need to think about it," he said and he finally shook the light off. "Stay in the recycling facility, perhaps you'll find a friend." The Wabbit made off, leaving the lamp on the ground. But it sprouted legs and followed him to the exit ...

1. The Wabbit and Arrivederci to All That

The Wabbit was looking for a consumer durable. He usually called it a consumer curable for no other reason than he thought it was funny. He'd set out up the hill with an idea in mind but by the time he got to the top he had forgotten. "Was it a washing machine?" he thought. No, he didn't think so. A robot vacuum cleaner? No, that wasn't it. Microchip? His shoulders heaved. No. He shook his head. A clock shaped like a cat? He knew Skratch would laugh and give him hell. Oven, Air frier, Dishwasher? Nope. So he thought he'd go in the shop and look at everything and then he would be reminded. He looked over his shoulder and saw the big sign "Arrivederci." "I've only just arrived," he thought. But he had an idea. He could buy the sign, then wave it at unwanted guests. They would get the message and take their leave. But he knew that would be impolite. He could see Lapinette waving her paws at him. Singing the National Anthem worked better. They would get up and he would hand them their hats and coats. He laughed and proceeded down a long avenue filled with washing machines. They stared at him with single eyes and implored him, "Buy me!" That was when he remembered what the desired object was. "An Anglepoise lamp!" He knew exactly the type he wanted. But when he spoke to a woman at the front desk, she said they didn't have that exact model. He proceeded out of the store with a disappointed expression. "Arrivederci," he said. 

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at their Caffè by the old Gregory Cinema, now a furniture showroom. It retained many original features including the awning. The Wabbit always called it the yawning, but no-one laughed. He smiled because he was known for his bad jokes. Skratch leaned in. "What was that for a very short adventure you just had?" Lapinette didn't care, "A shorty and a goody." Wabsworth was on it. "Could we term the AI bot as a monster? That brings with it a variety of intertextual codes." The Wabbit scoffed. "Not much of a monster!" Lapinette was inclined to differ. "It was made of shiny steel and had surreal touches." Skratch meaowed, "He was of an extra textual reality. He interacted with real world realities, but only to superimpose cyborg ones." Wabsworth was at pains to point out that he was an android. "I am more human and less machine." Lapinette looked askance at him. "You're not going to lead an android uprising!" "How do you know?" replied Wabsworth. He winked at Skratch. "I couldn't be bothered. Too much work." The Wabbit laughed. "Are you buying the drinks then?" There was a soft tittering. "Maybe," said Wabsworth, "How much are they?" "About a fiver each," said Lapinette. "Disgraceful!" shouted Wabsworth. He felt in his fur and pulled out a bank debit card. "I'm keeping a record." Skratch nodded. "I prefer to work in cash. No records." Wabsworth pretended to scowl. "Then you buy the drinks!" 

3, Wabsworth and the Fiery Bot

They grabbed the bot and hauled him to the market. Wabsworth worked on him with a flaming paw. That's when it all went crazy. The bot shouted ads and flames cascaded from his mouth. Wabsworth's wires jumped and sputtered. The Wabbit could not believe his eyes as Lapinette appeared yelling from the market canopies and fired a flaming blade where Wabsworth's cables met the bot. "You'll need this if you want to stop him." She meant every word. "Fry his components like a fish supper!" The Wabbit looked on with interest. He turned to Wabsworth. "Did you get him?" The bot turned in a circle and fired a few vague adverts. "Come for tea in Tuscanee, be free, be free - in B&B!" it warbled. "He's not gone, shouted Wabsworth. "Fire your blades again Lapinette." More blades shot from Lapinette's paws. "Take that you mis-adventuring meaow! Never harass the Wabbit again." The bot's spindly arms flailed. The armchair head lost its stuffing. Legs bounced from walls. Yet the ads continued. "Win, bet, win, a sausage din!" "Deep purge!" shouted Wabsworth. Lapinette fired her last blades then all was quiet. The bot crumbled. Components rolled. Severed connections flashed and died. "Well," said the Wabbit, "You don't see that everyday." "I'm thirsty", gasped Lapinette. Wabsworth looked up his data banks. "I have a cocktail called Terminal Lightning. I'll mix it for you now." "It'll do!" said the Wabbit. "Mix it up, live it up!" Lapinette jumped down from the roof. "Feeling fine, tasting wine!" 

2. The Wabbit and Wabsworth's View

The Wabbit met up with Wabsworth in his favourite shopping centre. Wabsworth liked to haunt around Euronics and change things. Then he would stand aside and watch people's amusement. He was just coming out when the Wabbit arrived. "I wanted your point of view," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth laughed, "You're in luck it's not lost!" The Wabbit grinned because he always appreciated Wabsworth's sense of humour. He touched Wabsworth on his arm. "Humour me," he said. "I've got bot trouble." Wabsworth and the Wabbit were great pals, so he paid attention. "What kind of bot?" "An advertising bot, "sulked the Wabbit. "The worst kind," smirked Wabsworth. They hopped for a bit. "Does it look anything like that fellow there?" Wabsworth looked back over his shoulder. The Wabbit looked too. "That's him, he's following me with annoying adverts." Wabsworth sighed. "I saw him earlier, he looked sad. I tuned him up to be happier." The Wabbit waited. "Now he's got an annoying giggle," smiled Wabsworth. "Oh no, like everyone else," groaned the Wabbit, "Look out here he comes!" They snuck around a corner, "He seems attached to you!" commented Wabsworth. The Wabbit knew all about attachment since he'd studied a module on Bowlby at night school. "I'd like to lose him." Wabsworth thought about it and eventually said, "We'll need to electronically purge him, but that's easier said than done." The Wabbit smiled a smile that went on ever. "What's the middle of one location?" Wabsworth didn't hesitate, "That same location." "Thank goodness," replied the Wabbit, "I thought I'd have to leave the house." 

1. The Wabbit and the Uninvited Bot

The Wabbit hopped along Via Anastasio II. He felt a little sombre and didn't know why. Maybe it was because of the whispering. He'd been hearing it on and off for a while and it bothered him. He tried to shut it out of his mind and succeeded. But then it came back. He decided on a different approach and amplified the volume. Now he could hear it, but it seemed like gibberish. "Buyoo," it said, "Buyoo moochoo. Buyoo moochoo" Then it repeated. It sounded a bit robotic, so he decided to speak to Wabsworth about it and get the android point of view. He knew all about that sort of thing. The voice died away. It was a pleasant day, and the volume of traffic had decreased - so maybe that was why he could hear the noise. Maybe it was tinnitus. He shook his ears. But back the voice came. He thought he'd hum a tune to cover it up and chose "London's burning," by the Clash. But he couldn't hear it properly because the voice was clearer now. More than clear. "Veeseet Lundun, Veeseet Lundun cheep." The Wabbit stopped dead. "It's an advertisement!" He looked behind him and saw a figure that looked like a robot shambling along the road. The arms and legs were long and gangly. It stumbled as it went and looked like it needed to stabilise itself on street furniture. The Wabbit slapped a paw on his forehead. "Now where did I pick you up?" 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at the MAXXI museum Caffè. Lapinette was in an ebullient mood. She attached to one of the pillars and scaled it in an instant. Skratch was appalled. "This is a place of high art. Come down at once." The Wabbit grinned. "She's been in a fine adventure and she's only letting off steam!" Lapinette yelled "Victory!" and slid down at great speed. Wabsworth chipped in, "We got the movie, chased down the bad guys, located the coordinates and saved the day." Skratch was bemused, "Who for?" The Wabbit took pleasure in saying it. "Us." Lapinette had returned to normal. "That story was a European tour de force. It foregrounded the signifier at least seven times." Skratch meaowed. "It was but a MacGuffin!" Wabsworth thought that most funny. "If it's good enough for Hitchcock, its good enough for us. Boundaries were blurred between reality and the unconscious." Lapinette bounded in the air. "An inter-semiotic translation!" Skratch wasn't impressed. "The transgression of spatial boundaries is a sure sign of nothing to talk about." He winked at Lapinette. She winked back and re-climbed the pole. "She'll start to speak French again," shrugged the Wabbit. "My forebears were French," she said. "Then where's that rare French wine?" asked Wabsworth. "I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot 1841 in my frock," replied Lapinette. "Let's see it!" Now the Wabbit was ebullient. Lapinette fluttered her eyes and gave him a come hither glance. "Come and get it!"
 

13. The Wabbit and the Old Tank

Lapinette caught up with the Wabbit and Wabsworth after she'd finished blasting the green things. "Where's that tape, Commander?" said Wabsworth. He liked everything tied up with a pink ribbon. "It's already copied down to digital," said the Wabbit, "We have no need for it no more!" Wabsworth agreed. "It served its purpose and allowed us to intervene. But where are the fail-deadly coordinates?" "Moved and double deeply coded," grinned the Wabbit. Lapinette held up both paws. "I renovated the tank! Watch" The tank recoiled and shot an enormous blast from the cannon. "That'll wake em up!" giggled Lapinette, "Reveillez-vous!" Wabsworth and the Wabbit looked at each other, "Zut alors?" shrugged the Wabbit. Wabsworth shrugged too, just like his Commander. "Shall we have a picnic lunch?" asked the Wabbit. "Where's the food?" enquired Lapinette. The Wabbit plunged a paw into his fur and produced sandwiches, a cake, a picnic basket and the - with the other paw - a jeroboam of chilled champagne. He laid everything on the grass. "Voila!" Lapinette drew an edged weapon from her frock and with a single swipe, cut the cake. "C'est magnifique, mon commandant!" Wabsworth, being an android, could translate into all the known languages in the Universe. But he switched on his food algorithm and uttered a single phrase. "Let's get stuck in!"

12. Lapinette and the Triple Blast

Lapinette crept quietly towards the bay. She could see the green suits there and they didn't notice her. They bent down and scooped radioactive fluid into drums. The smell was grim, like something that crept out of the sewer. She wrinkled her nose. Then she felt in her frock for old standby weapons. The stick grenades clung to her paws. She wiped her paws and spat on them. "Rabbits don't spit," she said to herself. She steadied herself. Put her weight on her back foot. Then with two single smooth movements, she threw the missiles. The first exploded on her right. It showered small pieces of concrete on the green figures. They turned. The second left her paws with a whizzing sound that spelled destruction. They tried to run, but in the bay, it was impossible to get away. One cartwheeled down two flights of steps, another squeezed behind the canisters. "Take that for your trouble you green things!" Her yell penetrated the caverns. There was no response. All she heard was a steady radioactive drip. "Time to be going," she murmured to herself. It was her last grenade. Another blast sealed the bay behind concrete rubble. Not too far away, the Wabbit and Wabsworth hopped down endless tunnels. "Lapinette's cleaning up," smirked the Wabbit, "Putain de merde!" grinned Wabsworth. 

11. The Wabbit and the Masked Creatures

They hopped along a gas-mask lined corridor, glancing from right to left. The Wabbit stopped and pulled a video tape box from his fur. He tucked it under his paw and gritting his 28 teeth, rounded the corner. "That's as far as you go, rabbit." The voice went with the gas-masked figure. It spoke with a heavy rhythmic hiss accompanied by a whoosh, click and flutter. Lapinette pointed her weapon. "Stand down, robotic figure." The figure snarled. "I stand down for no-one." Lapinette stood her ground. Pointed her weapon. "Suit yourself. It will be the worse for you." It was the first time the Wabbit noticed the French accent that came with her growl. "You will give me the box!" The Wabbit smiled in a way that everyone found annoying. "I cannot." "Why not?" The Wabbit paused and touched the grey case. "Did you ever hear the story of the old empty box?" The figure tensed, stem jetting from the mask. "No, I did not." The Wabbit shrugged. "There was nothing in it." The figure lunged forward. "Give me it anyway." Silence hung, broken only by the mask's respirated hiss. "I think I'll keep it," said the Wabbit. He tucked it back in his fur. The figure wheezed, turned, grabbed for it. Lapinette's snaser spat. The figure's suit collapsed, an empty shell on the ground. Rows of vacant masks watched from the shelves. "They're brainstorming," grinned the Wabbit.

10. The Wabbit and the Top-Secret Area

The operations room was huge. The sign said it all. This was a top-secret bunker. He could hear noises and he hoped Wabsworth was on his way. He could detect the squeal from an old U-Matic recorder. He shook his head. A figure stood at a desk, but it had turned out to be a dummy - the Wabbit felt foolish for threatening him. Anyway, he got behind a cabinet for cover and scrunched down. The stairway would have creaked had it not been concrete. A figure approached. "Who goes there?" The Wabbit decided to be bold. "Wabsworth, Commander!" The tip of a snazer came round the corner followed by the Wabbit's android double. "I nearly shot you." The Wabbit's head swung as he heard another figure approaching. "Are you all right Wabbit?" Lapinette's voice cut through the gloom. She was armed with a snazer too. "We have company of persons unknown," said the Wabbit. "They're playing a funny game." Lapinette snorted. "I heard your old documentary playing somewhere. Sounded like a bad dream." The Wabbit decided to ignore that for the moment. "Is this the fail-deadly location?" Wabsworth, as always, had cut to the chase. "Probably," shrugged the Wabbit. "This is quite a place," commented Lapinette. "Planning a move?" smiled the Wabbit. "I hear they're going to carpet bomb it!" stated Wabsworth. They laughed at his deadpan humour. "Good place for a drinks reception," added Lapinette. "Bring anything with you?" smirked the Wabbit.
 

9. The Wabbit in the Tunnel of the Past

The Wabbit hopped with caution down the gloomy cavern. It was in a poor state, or it had never been finished. The cavern was silent except for water dribbling down the walls. The Wabbit knew that outside, noise levels were grim. In his head he could hear car alarms, ambulance sirens, leaf blowers, revving mopeds. A flickering on the roof was composed of his old documentary. "They're trying to torment me with my ancient film," thought the Wabbit, "they'll have to do better than that." Scenes changed. Barcelona gave way to Amsterdam to Dublin to London to Athens to Porto. The Wabbit shrugged. "That's all in the past." He hopped on. His glasses glowed a deep blue in the gloom. His head groaned. His feet were wet. His hands clammy. The voice returned, whispering. "Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?" The Wabbit knew that they were serious. His radio was under his paw, but he murmured into it. "Come in, come in" This time there was a signal. It must have been the metal rods. "Wabbit to base, come in," A soft crackle gave way to a familiar voice. "I know where you are, Commander. I've got a fix." The Wabbit hissed. "I could use some help here." Wabsworth was self-assured as always. "Shall I bring an excavator?" The Wabbit shrugged. "And explosives." There was a long silence. "Don't worry, we're on our way." He cut off. "Do what you like," hummed the Wabbit, "but don't keep me waiting."