7. The Wabbit takes a Passenger

 

"Hop on Pio" said the Wabbit "You're coming with us!" "I rather think I'd better," murmured Pio, who had sprained his puppet ankle in the scuffle by kicking a puppet who got in his way. It was a puppet who had trodden on Pio's toes on more than one occasion and Pio had taken reprisals on the way out. "What kind of economist are you, Pio?" asked the Wabbit, who received an economic review every month. "I am a follower of Michal Kalecki," said Pio solemnly. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "he plays a kind of rhythm and blues jazz on a Hammond B-3 organ." "Wabbit! You know quite well that's Vojtek Karolak!" said Lapinette, who had been raiding the Wabbit's extensive but eclectic jazz collection. "Is he always like this?" asked Pio of Lapinette. "You'll get used to it," said Lapinette. "Is Snail travel proven safe?" said Pio. "That would be no fun at at all," said Mo with relish. "We have Advanced Fuzzy Traction," said To. "Excellent. I have futures in that," said Pio and he settled back in comfort. "How many Machs would you like the Snails to travel?" said the Wabbit. "Eight hundred and eighty one thousand please," said Pio, thinking of his investment. "I think I need to do more work in the shed for the speed of light," grimaced the Wabbit, "and a new budget line."  "No need," said Mo. And this time there was no boom. It was more of a quiet whoosh and the MoTo Snails and their passengers warped to a tiny dot and vanished.

6. The Wabbit brings down the House

Lapinette turned on a camera and the Wabbit swam into sight on the big screen. "Puppets!" he commanded. "Listen! Now you have a choice!" The Puppets stared at the Wabbit and they shifted uneasily. "Rise!" shouted the Wabbit. "Rise like puppets woke by thunder!" Lapinette clashed two cymbals together and everyone jumped and gave the Wabbit time to think of the next line. "In unconquerable number!" he cried.  There was as snapping noise from the back of the House, followed by others. "Snap your strings like crusty glue, that day by day attached to you!" rhymed the Wabbit. A ripple passed through the puppets like a Mexican Wave. The Wabbit thought furiously. "You're solo puppets through and through!" he bellowed. No-one really knows who threw the first punch. Perhaps no one ever will. But the Wabbit thought he caught sight of Pio's jacket and a light grinned from one of his 28 teeth. The House dissolved into a flurry of puppet limbs and severed strings and all was chaos. "Lets get out of here," said Lapinette and she propelled the Wabbit down the stairs to the door. "Where on earth did you get that poem?" "I borrowed it," gasped the Wabbit, "I took it from Shelley." "Not the Masque of Anarchy?" said Lapinette. "Well, did it work?" demanded the Wabbit. "It worked," sighed Lapinette. "It always does," smiled the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit takes Over

Suddenly the chamber filled with puppets who listened automatically to a tinny but familiar voice from hidden loudspeakers. "I recognise that Agent chatter," murmured the Wabbit.  "Shhh," said Lapinette, "it will soon be time to move." The Voice was glib and certain and it continued smugly. "All voting on Regulation 207/4, hyper-genetic carrots, draw close and prepare to vote the usual way." The Wabbit winked at Pio. "Wait for it," Lapinette frowned. Pio nodded and then cracked his knuckles. All the puppets glanced in Pio’s direction and their arms twitched slightly. The loudspeaker crackled again. "In the introduction of designer GM carrots with anti-wabbit vaccine, all vote "Yes"." But nothing happened and everything was still. The puppets looked at each other and jingled the Wabbit’s coins in their pockets. "It therefore passes into statute, nem con" hissed the furious Voice. “No!” shouted the Wabbit. The puppets froze. “Under the rules of the House, I abstain!” he yelled. “So do I!” said Lapinette and as they both raised their voting arms a forest of abstaining arms rose behind them. "No confidence in the House!" shouted the Wabbit and he flung his fake voting arm on the floor. "No confidence, no confidence, no confidence," repeated the puppets until their voices reached a crescendo that rattled the windows. The Wabbit grinned and hopped forward to glare at the place the voice was coming from. "I challenge the House, the assembly is mine," he yelled and turned to the puppets. "Who's in charge?" he shouted. "Wabbit!" they yelled back. 

4. The Wabbit seeks Advice

The Wabbit drew his contact aside to ask a private but pertinent question. "Pray tell me your name," said the Wabbit smiling a special diplomatic smile. "I am Pio Pulcinella!" said the Puppet, "how may I assist you?" "You are a political and economic puppet," whispered the Wabbit confidentially. "And I'm at your service," said Pio. "It's about my lists of priorities," said the Wabbit. Pio nodded. "Tell me more," he urged. "I keep adding to my lists and they get longer," said the Wabbit. "How are they organised?" asked Pio. "Randomly," said the Wabbit brightly. "That's not too unusual," said Pio. "so tell me which is your most important list and which is your longest?" "That's easy," said the Wabbit, "because they're one and the same list," "What's your name for that list," said Pio patiently. "Miscellaneous," said the Wabbit. Pio shook his head and thought for a while. Then he snapped his fingers. "What then" he asked," is the item at the very top of that list?" "Organising my lists," said the Wabbit. Pio Pulcinella leaned back with satisfaction and cracked his knuckles. "You have a knapsack problem," he said. "I do?" said the Wabbit. "And there is a knapsack solution," said Pio. "Do tell," said the Wabbit sceptically, since he had an overflowing knapsack at home and that was on one of his lists. "Only so much can go in your knapsack," said Pio, "so get rid of what you don't need." "I'm uncertain about what I don't need," said the Wabbit. "I have a computer programme for uncertainty," smiled Pio.

3. The Wabbit & the Puppet Parliament

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette were speedily shown to the debating chamber of the Big Parliament and they scampered up the stairs to the sound of considerable moaning from the Wabbit. "I don’t like this costume," complained the Wabbit. "You’re meant to blend in - you’re undercover," whispered Lapinette. The Wabbit scowled. "When I’m undercover," he said ponderously, "I like to sell newspapers, not be a newspaper." Then the Wabbit thought for a bit and decided he hadn't quite exhausted the topic, so he continued. "Besides, I rustle too much and by the way, I’m creased," he grumbled. "I think it’s rather fitting you’re a crossword," said Lapinette. "Oh look, there’s our contact. Do you think he’s done what we asked?" "Well we gave him plenty of coins, I can hear him jingling," said the Wabbit, shifting his ears and thinking some more. "Lap, Are you certain the plan will work?" he whispered. "Of course," said Lapinette. "After the Big Vote, there will be complete confusion and a power vacuum will follow." "What then?" asked the Wabbit, thinking of a vacuum cleaner. "Just hop in and fill it," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened considerably as he imagined himself as a massive cyclonic separator. Lapinette kept quiet since knew that the Wabbit was given to flights of fancy and she was cute enough to humour him. "Please hop this way," said their puppet contact. The Wabbit raised his paws one by one as if they were pulled by strings. “Hoppy to oblige,” smiled the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit supposes

The Wabbit’s destination was the Big Parliament and as he and Lapinette hopped up the steps they met a puppet who fitted their mission target. "Follow my lead," whispered  the Wabbit to Lapinette, "and if it doesn’t work, run some interference!" Lapinette nodded and the Wabbit stepped forward and addressed the Puppet. "I suppose you know how things operate around here?" asked the Wabbit. "Supposing I was to advise you?" said the Puppet. "Supposing I could make it worth your while?" said the Wabbit. "Supposing you were to demonstrate your goodwill," said the Puppet. The Wabbit paused, dug in his fur and jingled some coins. "I suppose that would do nicely," said the Puppet. The Wabbit leaned towards the Puppet and lowered his voice. "Supposing the Big Vote went a particular way," he continued. "Supposing I was to use my influence," said the Puppet. "Supposing I had 200 more of these coins," said the Wabbit. The Puppet pondered for a while. "I suppose every little helps," said the Puppet. "I suppose I could be more charitable," said the Wabbit and he jingled the coins in his fur again because he was beginning to like the sound. For a while they both listened and the Puppet smiled at the Wabbit and the Wabbit smiled back. "I suppose you’d have an opinion on how my friends might vote," said the Puppet and he rubbed a single coin in his hand as if it would magically multiply. The Wabbit shot a glance at Lapinette and she hopped quickly forward. "I suppose they might abstain," she murmured quietly.

1. The Wabbits and a Speedy Departure

Following a communiqué from the Department, The Wabbit and Lapinette prepared to leave on an urgent mission. The Wabbit had decided that the most appropriate way to reach their destination was with the MoTo Snails and both he and Lapinette had made themselves comfortable on board.  "Are you sure Mo and To can reach a speed of Mach 2?" asked  Lapinette. "Oh, there have been modifications since then," said the Wabbit. "What kind of modifications?” sighed Lapinette suspiciously. "Super duper ones," said the Wabbit. "Won’t we fall off then?" said Lapinette. "Not at all," said the Wabbit. "Not since we introduced Advanced Fuzzy Traction." "We?" said Lapinette questioningly. "Big Blue Snail and I," said the Wabbit. "Hmm," said Lapinettte, and she shifted uneasily on her perch. "Anyway, I think you’re pulling my leg," she added. "Check it out!" yelled Mo. "We have carefully assessed the modifications and we’re quietly assured," said To. Lapinette leaned across to the Wabbit in a confidential fashion. "Wabbit," she whispered, "I can never remember who is Mo and who is To." "No problem," smiled  the Wabbit. "Mo is the impetuous one and To thinks too much." "I don’t think I think too much," said To, who had heard everything. "What about breathing at high speed?" said Lapinette. "Well since they’re so fast, you won’t even have to hold your breath," said the Wabbit. "We are about to commence scheduled departure on the count of three," said To. "Three," said Mo. And with two ear-splitting sonic booms, they vanished. 

The Wabbit & the Ambassadors' Talks

The Wabbit, Lovely Lapinette and their diplomatic guests gathered to have a post adventure drink in a nearby cafe. "Did I hear mention of carrot aperitivi?" said the Wabbit. The aperitivi duly appeared on the table and everyone chatted enthusiastically. "There was something I wanted to ask," said the Wabbit. "Can you tell me what your top level talks were about?" "Oh," said Pink Bunny, "that is most hush-hush." "Das ist verboten," said Rettet Kaninchen. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "I suppose anything that’s not forbidden is allowed!" she laughed. Pink Bunny laughed too. "In that case, we can tell you that the Agents of Rabit have been setting up puppet governments and our job is to stop them," she said. "Puppet Governments," mused the Wabbit and he imagined a parliament full of Pinocchios. "I can see what you’re thinking," said Lapinette. "No you can’t," smiled the Wabbit and he changed his thoughts to a parliament crammed with Punch and Judy characters. But just as they were hitting each other with police truncheons, Lapinette broke in. "Punch is funny," she said. "How did you know I was thinking of Punch and Judy?" asked the Wabbit. "Lucky guess?" said Lapinette sweetly. "Puppets can be nice, like Kasper in Hohensteiner Puppenspiele!" said Rettet Kaninchen. "When Good Puppets go Bad," sighed the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Brave Diplomats

With the Agents of Rabit disabled, the Wabbit and Lapinette rushed back to ensure the safety of the Ambassadors. But they weren't expecting the aftermath of a struggle. "What’s this?" asked Lapinette pointing at two Agents who were securely roped and tied. "They disturbed us," said Pink Bunny. "We did restrain them," said Rettet Kaninchen. "And took them prisoner," said Pink Bunny, "Jetzt ist ihnen nicht gut," said Rettet Kaninchen. "I can see that," said the Wabbit. "They look a little the worse for wear." "They fell," said Pink Bunny. "Into a wall," said Rettet Kaninchen. The Wabbit smiled one of his smiles which he reserved for such occasions. Lapinette grinned. "Better call it in, Wabbit" she said. The Wabbit lifted his walkie-talkie and pressed the red button with delight. "Wabbit to Control," he said nonchalantly. "Can you send a pick-up squad and a first aid team?" The radio hissed angrily. "Hardly anything at all," said the Wabbit. "Bring sticking plasters and two bags of frozen peas." The radio hissed again and went silent. "What’s going to happen to them now?" asked Pink Bunny. "Oh nothing much. Community Service probably" said the Wabbit. "That doesn’t sound so bad," said Pink Bunny. "In Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit faces them Down

The Wabbit stood in the path of the snickering Agents of Rabit and casually took a can of WD-40 from his fur. He tossed it in the air, caught it and began to lubricate his laser gun. "I know what you're thinking." said the Wabbit, glancing up. "Huh?" said the leader of the Agents. "You're wondering whether I forgot to service my gun," said the Wabbit quietly. "Huh, uh?" said the leader of the Agents. He turned to his gang and they all shook their heads. The Wabbit shook his head too. "You're asking yourselves, "is it going to work?"" he drawled laconically. "Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as the oil is WD-40 and this is a Snaser, the slimiest Laser gun in the whole wide world, you’ll slip and slide your way to Kingdom Come." The Agents jumped and talked confusingly, then looked back. "So  you've got to ask yourselves one question," continued the Wabbit. "Do we feel lucky?" The Agents turned to each other and hesitantly asked themselves if they felt lucky. Some decided they weren't feeling one bit lucky and decamped from the back. Lapinette smiled from her vantage point, but kept her automatic trained on the lead Agent. The lead Agent stared menacingly at the Wabbit. "Look behind you," said the Wabbit. "There's no-one left." The Agent glanced behind him and the Wabbit hopped quickly forward and pushed him over the parapet. "Luck," said the Wabbit to the few Agents remaining, "is when preparation meets opportunity."

The Wabbit and the Concerted Attack

The Wabbit crouched on the window ledge and listened. Then he heard that strange sound again and he looked down at Lapinette. Lapinette made a sign with her paw and the Wabbit heard her rack a round into the chamber of her automatic.  He touched a button on his laser gun and listened to the whine as it charged. The Wabbit risked a glance round the wall and spotted several agents of Rabit scale the castle bridge and make their way along the ramparts. He strained his ears to the utmost. Yes, there it was again, nearly inaudible - but it was there. Snicker-snacker, snicker-snacker went the sound. The Wabbit switched on his universal translator but the sound was more or less the same. "Snacker-snicker, snacker-snicker," chattered the translator.  "I wonder why the wranglers never worked out this signal?" thought the Wabbit.  Lapinette made a sign with her paws and twitched her ears seven times. "There are seven agents," thought the Wabbit. "That’s three and a half each." Lapinette made another sign. "Seventy!" thought the Wabbit," and he wiggled his ears back and to each side. Lapinette shook her head and twitched her ears once more. "Seven elite troops," thought the Wabbit. "That’s still three and a half each, but harder." So the Wabbit changed the setting on his laser and it started to whine quite loudly. Lapinette frowned and covered her mouth. The Wabbit shrugged his shoulders and shook a paw at his weapon. Lapinette twitched her ears again and nodded her head down. "Go down to the back," reckoned the Wabbit. Lapinette made a scissors motion. "And cut them off  ...?" guessed the Wabbit. Lapinette blew him a kiss. "At the pass!" realised the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Guest Bedroom

"I swear I heard something," muttered the Wabbit. "I can't hear a thing," said Lapinette. "Maybe it's the plumbing." "It didn't make a drippedy-woosh noise," said the Wabbit. "What kind of noise was it?" asked Lapinette. "More of a snickety-snacker type of noise," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "You're always hearing strange noises, let's not get spooked." "All the same," said the Wabbit, waving his weapon all around. "I am prepared for the unexpected." "Unexpected what?" said Lapinette. "If I knew that," said the Wabbit, "then it wouldn't be unexpected." "Der Knochen kommt nicht zum Hund, sondern der Hund zum Knochen," said Rettet Kaninchen. "Maybe you're right Ambassador, I should take a look around the perimeter," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette turned to her guests. "Is the accommodation suitable?" she asked. "It's appropriately pink," said Pink Bunny. "I am most pleased, we shall work well here." "Lock the door and don't let anyone in but us," said the Wabbit. "We can always use the secret tunnel in an emergency," said Lapinette. "Secret tunnel, secret tunnel?" said the Wabbit. "I never heard of a secret tunnel." There was silence. "No one told me about the secret tunnel!" moaned the Wabbit. "Then it wouldn't be secret," smiled Lapinette. "Touché," nodded the Wabbit.
["Der Knochen kommt nicht zum Hund, sondern der Hund zum Knochen." German Proverb: The bone doesn't come to the dog, the dog goes to the bone.]

3. The Wabbits protect their Guests

Lapinette and the Wabbit hopped quickly from the helichopper keeping their diplomats under close protection. Lapinette's radio suddenly burst into life. "Hello Trixie, the wranglers report that things are busy, have my nieces arrived?" "Hello Mother," said Lapinette, "yes, our guests are here for dinner and they came a long way." "Take their hats and come on in," said the radio, "the aperitivi are on the table." "What's that about your mother's aperitivo?" said the Wabbit. "It's code, Wabbit" said Lapinette. The Wabbit heard the slide on her automatic and he tightened his grip on the laser gun that he and Snail had made in a shed. "There are uninvited guests," whispered Lapinette. "Be on your guard!" Looking hastily from side to side  Lapinette and the Wabbit hurried Pink Bunny and Rettet Kaninchen across the courtyard. "What's that?" asked Pink Bunny pointing at the Wabbit's strange looking weapon. "Oh," said the Wabbit, "just something Snail and I invented." "Wer ist die Schnecke?" said Rettet Kaninchen? "Snail's a good friend," said the Wabbit. "Everything's ready for your top-level discussions." said Lapinette to the diplomats. "What's our accommodation like?" asked Pink Bunny. "Basic, I'm afraid," said Lapinette. "But if you need anything, just ask the Wabbit." The diplomats turned to the Wabbit. "Anything I can get you?" he smiled. "Carrot aperitivi," they chorused.
[Wranglers: radio signal analysts and cryptographers. Their name derives from Wrangler maths students.  MI6 slang from espionage novels by John Le Carre]

2. The Wabbits take to the Sky

Lapinette kicked the tyres and lit the fires. A helichopper clatter echoed noisily around the square as she lifted off for a top secret destination with her top-level diplomats safely on board. Then she hovered while the Wabbit spoke to Wabbit Command. "Requesting clearance Command, from Corso Svizzera heading SE 54, 2000 metres," said the Wabbit. The radio crackled. "Take off agreed. Proceed with caution. There are power lines and a cooling tower. At your own risk, Commander. Out" "Out," said the Wabbit and he turned to Lapinette. "Mind the cooling tower," smiled the Wabbit. "They always say that," said Lapinette. "Go over the tower and pick up some thermals," suggested the Wabbit, winking. "May we loop the loop?" asked Pink Bunny. "Flight rules Ma’am," said Lapinette. "Your diplomatic mission is of the utmost importance." "It’s urgently urgent," agreed the Wabbit. "Da ist die Gefahr?" asked Rettet Kaninchen. "Danger? Not for you," said the Wabbit. "You’re in safe paws."  The helichopper chattered deafeningly as Lapinette throttled up. The Wabbit cut communication to his diplomats and spoke privately to Lapinette. "Did you notice anything on the ground," he asked. "I saw him," said Lapinette, "he’s just a scout." "But now they know where we’re coming from," said the Wabbit. "I think everyone knows that now," said Lapinette over the noise, "Did you adjust the swash plates?" she asked. The Wabbit nodded and grinned. Lapinette pulled the stick and the helichopper soared near-vertically into the sky. "Bravo Zulu!" * laughed the Wabbit.

[Bravo Zulu: Aviator slang - praise for a good job]

1. The Wabbit takes care of his Guests

At a converted factory not far from the city centre, the Wabbit seated his special guests in a special vehicle. The vehicle was a surprise to Lapinette and she tried to catch the Wabbit's eye. "Wabbit," she whispered, "what's with the vehicle?"  "Vehicle?" said the Wabbit innnocently. "The one you're touching with your paw," said Lapinette. "Oh," said the Wabbit. "I found it it at the back of the Department." Lapinette looked sternly at the Wabbit. "Requisitioned it," said the Wabbit apologetically. "Did you sign for it?" said Lapinette in a threatening voice. "I did," said the Wabbit. "You're not cleared for experimental vehicles," said Lapinette. "No, but you are," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit in horror. "You signed my name?" she yelled. "In triplicate," said the Wabbit. Lapinette hopped from one foot to another. "That's is the procedure," said the Wabbit. Lapinette fell silent. "Well I hope you didn't have any trouble getting it here, it's hush hush!" she said finally. "No, apart from the minor business with the tram," muttered the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "I got stuck in the tram rails," said the Wabbit, waving a paw dismissively, "but I gave the driver some luncheon vouchers for making him late." "Do you know how it works?" asked Lapinette. "Not a clue," said the Wabbit, "you just tell it where to go." "Where are we going?" said Lapinette. "Well," said the Wabbit, "nowhere particularly fast."