5. The Wabbit and the Practice Session

Robot had been employed by Lovely Lapinette to coach the Wabbit on likely questions he would get when he appeared in the Wabbit of the Year Competition. There were a vast range to choose from and they were always tricky. "Now concentrate, Wabbit," said Robot, "think flexibly, think on your paws." The Wabbit smirked. "I usually do," he said. He did a little jig. Robot looked offended. "It's really not that kind of thinking, more like an idiot would think." The Wabbit was amused. He knew what Lapinette would say if she were here. Robot launched in. "What would you tell a child who asked you if Santa Claus was real?" The Wabbit didn't hesitate. "I'll tell him he's as real as me." Robot hooted with laughter. "That's the spirit Wabbit. Let's do another. If you had an elephant and couldn't sell it or give it away, what would you do with it." The Wabbit puts his hands on his hips. "I'd arm it to the teeth and make war on the Carthaginians." Robot scowled. "I'm not sure everyone appreciates your sense of humour Wabbit." The Wabbit was quite happy. "Perhaps I'll lose. Ask me another." Robot was beginning to feel stressed. "How many square feet of pizza are eaten in Turin each year." The Wabbit swiftly replied, "None whatsoever, they'd be measured in square meters." Robot sighed and went for an awkward question. "If you were a tree, what music would you like?" The Wabbit grinned. "That's easy. Reggae ... because I'm strictly roots." Robot knew it was time to give up. He patted the Wabbit on the shoulder. "Don't worry Wabbit, you're bound to be a hit."  The Wabbit didn't know what to think but he was cheerful. "Maybe they'll offer me a show of my own?"

4. The Wabbit and the Make Up Session

Ignoring the advice of Skratch the Cat, the Wabbit decided to go along with the Rabbit of the Year Award. It was vanity that persuaded him in the end. He thought to himself, "What if some awful rabbit got it?" That's how the Wabbit came to be experiencing a make-up session in the paws of Lovely Lapinette, and she was very much in charge. The Wabbit squirmed under the lights. Lapinette brushed on some sort of foundation, but the Wabbit wriggled and fidgeted until something unexpected happened. His face became quite a distinct shade of puce. "I'm having a reaction!" he yelled. "Stay still, Wabbit - it's all your own fault." Lapinette wasn't finished and she said so in no uncertain terms. "I look like Carlo Conti on acid," gasped the Wabbit. "It will all be all right on the night," sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit spluttered. "And what am I doing in this awful car? I should be in my jeep." Lapinette sighed again. "This is a set for Carmencita, the famous animation character, you should be pleased we got it." The Wabbit scowled, "J'aime pas les marionnettes!" "You know that's not true, Wabbit," shouted Lapinette, "now sit still!" The Wabbit settled back. Gradually his face returned to a kind of normal and he spoke. "Skratch the Cat says this is all a moneymaking exercise." Lapinette flounced. "Skratch the Cat has not been nominated for Rabbit of the Year." The Wabbit's face creased into a smile. "I'll be very pleased when we can all go back to normal." Lapinette gave a short laugh. "What kind of normal is that?" "Abnormally normal," said the Wabbit.

[TV camera by courtesy of DLPNG.com. Carlo Conti: Well-known Italian TV personality. The Carmencita Story]

3. The Wabbit and the Awards Game

The Wabbit and Moloch caught up with Skratch at the cinema. He was doing something with a sign and Wabbit waved up to him. "He's caught up a post," said Moloch, "I'll help get him down." The Wabbit shook his head and shook with mirth. "He's a cat, Moloch. He needs no help." Nevertheless Moloch jumped up and shook the post with vigour. "It's OK Moloch," said Skratch, "I'm just repairing this sign. It was incorrectly signifying the signified." Moloch was disappointed. He'd always wanted to rescue a cat from a tree. Now he'd been deprived of his opportunity. "Let me know when you're coming down," he yelled. "I'll be sure to do that," purred Skratch. "Skratch, we need your advice," said the Wabbit. Skratch paused and rested his paws for a second. "Fire away," he said. "It's rather embarrassing," said the Wabbit. "I'm the most discreet cat I know," meaowed Skratch. The Wabbit began a long explanation. "I want to support Moloch and his Monster Show. In return he'll support my nomination for Rabbit of the Year." Skratch purred long and loud. "I'm not sure you're Rabbit of the Year material," he said. The Wabbit looked relieved. "I thought you might say it was unethical." "No-one cares about that," said Skratch, "it's all fixed in advance." The Wabbit didn't know what to say. Moloch said it for him. "I heard the Monster Show was the same." Skratch agreed vociferously. "I get invited to the Cat of the Town every year - but every year I decline." The Wabbit couldn't get his head round this. "Because there's a whopping fee," said Skratch, "and the prize always goes to some Felix or other. Who's in the Monster Show?"  "Godzilla," said Moloch. "Aha," said Skratch. He jumped down from the sign and shrugged. "Then I rest my case." 

2. The Wabbit and the Monster Show

The Wabbit spotted Moloch near Porta Palatino and hurried to catch him. But Moloch was standing stock still and talking into a microphone held by a camera crew from the state broadcaster, RAI. The Wabbit took little notice and strolled straight in front of them. He tapped Moloch lightly on the knee. "What's happening Moloch?" he yelled. The camera crew gave up at that juncture and Moloch looked down at the Wabbit. "Wabbit, you're interrupting my interview. Kindly desist." The Wabbit grinned and waved the camera crew away. "We'll come back later, Moloch when your friend is finished," said the journalist with a sigh. The Wabbit tapped Moloch on the knee again, "Spill the beans, Moloch!" Moloch's chest expanded. "I'm being interviewed for the Monster Show." The Wabbit was taken aback. "Why is there all this interest in the team?" he murmured." "What interest?" said Moloch. "I've been proposed for the Rabbit of the Year," said the Wabbit. "Oh really, I'm a judge for that but I'm not supposed to tell you," said Moloch. "Why not?" asked the Wabbit. "You might lobby me unfairly," replied Moloch. "Wouldn't dream of it," smirked the Wabbit. He thought for a minute. "You'll support me of course." Moloch was appalled. "I need to be absolutely fair," "It is fair," said the Wabbit, "I'm clearly the best contender. I support you for the Monster Show, you support me for the Rabbit of the Year." The Wabbit considered the matter a little more. "Let's take advice on the matter." "Who from?" asked Moloch. "Someone who know his way around these things," smirked the Wabbit. "Skratch the Cat?" smiled Moloch.

1. The Wabbit and the Wabbit of the Year

The Wabbit strolled back from his balcony at the Department of Wabbit Affairs. It was a mite chilly but warm in the sun and his fur felt good. All of a sudden, Lovely Lapinette poured herself through the door. "Wabbit, I have exciting news." The Wabbit waited to hear what it was. His definition of exciting was rather different from most people, but he smiled. "Lovely Lapinette, I wasn't expecting you!" Lapinette looked overjoyed. "You've been nominated for Rabbit of the Year!" The Wabbit secretly grimaced because he hated that sort of thing - and everything that went with it. "What are you going to wear?" shouted Lapinette with glee. The Wabbit had no hesitation. "My kilt," he shrugged.  Lapinette scowled. "The moths got it; you'll need a new one. And you need the whole outfit, sgian dubh the lot." The Wabbit grinned. "Don't worry, it's all wrapped in a protective cover in the back of the wardrobe." Lapinette was all cheerful again. "You'll need your fur trimmed." The Wabbit brushed his paws up and down his fur. He thought it looked OK, but he shrugged again. "Where is this Rabbit of the Year presentation?" Lapinette span round in a pirouette. "Location yet to be determined." "And the date?" continued the Wabbit. "Sometime next month," grinned Lapinette. The Wabbit breathed a sigh of relief. It all sounded a bit vague, so he had some time. Perhaps he would be called away urgently. He felt cheered. "What if I win?" he ventured. Lovely Lapinette gaped. "You? You're a normal brown rabbit, you'll never win. But there will be a gala dinner. Everyone that's anyone will be there." Now the Wabbit was miffed. "Is there anyone I know that's up for it." Lapinette shook her head. "It's all secret. No-one is supposed to know, so don't tell anyone." The Wabbit smiled a secret smile and Lapinette saw it. "Wabbit - don't you dare!"

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team gathered at the Adventure Caffè and for once it was a proper coffee bar. The barista wore a mask since COVID flu had ravaged the land, but it didn't stop him making perfect coffees. This was the coffee bar in the Lavazza museum and they were looking forward to trying the new blend. "It's a good thing we're cartoons," said the Wabbit, "or we might get this flu as well." Camilla flounced a bit. "Oh never mind all that. Let's be cheerful." Wabsworth was watching the barista with interest and he spoke out the corner of his mouth. "Tell me Skratch. I was wondering what sort of adventure we just had." Skratch meaowed forcibly. "It was an open adventure." Lapinette looked sceptical. "By which you mean it didn't have a proper ending?" Skratch purred for a long time. "Hardly. The story wasn't sufficient to produce narrative irresolution or ambiguity." Wabsworth continued watching the coffee being made. "No, it wasn't a tactic for producing narrative delay. The ending was secure and systematic." Lapinette paused and looked at the Wabbit. "So. What did you do with these guys anyway?" The Wabbit smirked an evil smirk. "I sent them for severe chastisement." "That's very biblical," said Skratch. The Wabbit was highly amused. "No, I just boxed their ears and sent them on their way." Wabsworth was astonished. "Where did you deliver the box to?" "Not literally, Wabsworth," said Lapinette. The Wabbit reached under the table. "I have the ears here. In a box." "Eeek!" cried Lapinette. She buried her eyes in her paws. "Only joking," said the Wabbit. Skratch moaned, "Where's this coffee?"  Wabsworth leaned forward and tapped the barista on the shoulder. "Hurry up or this will never finish!"

8. The Wabbit and the Art Preview

Everything was going to plan. The Wabbit borrowed the Film Museum for the show and it was meant to be a surprise. One minute Humphrey Bogart was on the screen and in the next it was Chagall's painting of the Dream Rabbit. On strode the Wabbit and lifted his pointer. He tapped the picture. "What you see before you is a copy of a copy of Chagall's famous painting. I do have the original copy under lock and key." He paused and looked around. A few people had arrived. "I'm offering you one of the finest copies of a famous rabbit there is. Perfectly rendered in oil and canvas." Two figures arrived at the back and they looked shifty. They were obviously the ones. "Now I can't offer you the original," continued the Wabbit, "that's safely locked up in the Museum of Modern Art in Paris." His walkie talkie crackled a bit and he murmured into the mouthpiece, "That's them at the back." Lapinette tensed. Her balcony hideout concealed her slender frame. She aimed the snazer and waited. Wabsworth too, was disguised as a museum visitor and he too was armed and ready. The Wabbit smiled. "For today and today only, I can offer you the finest copy of a copy of this painting. What am I bid?" The two ruffians at the back stepped forward and pulled out their weapons. "We know you have the original painting. And we know you have it here. So we bid you nothing at all. Hand it over." The Wabbit raised a paw. Her heard the snick of an automatic and the whine of a snazer. The ruffians were aghast. "It's a trap," said one of the ruffians. "I told you so," said the other, "it was too easy. What do we do now?" "Why don't you pretend it's performance art," shrugged the Wabbit.

[Fair use claimed for repro of Chagall's work. Minimal picture quality and of educational value!]