The Wabbit and the Shopping Joke

"Why are we here?" asked Lapinette." "We're shopping," said the Wabbit. "What on earth for?" asked Lapinette. "I'm not exactly sure. I'll know it when I see it," replied the Wabbit. "This shop is full of not very useful things," said Lapinette. "Ah," said the Wabbit with a look that he adopted when he thought he knew better than everyone else. "They don't look useful now but later we might need something that we didn't buy when we had the opportunity." "Like what?" scoffed Lapinette. "Small bags of unusual dimensions," said the Wabbit. "And things for removing things from other things." "Which would then fit into an unusually shaped bag?" suggested Lapinette. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. Silence fell, but not for long. "I haven't forgotten that shopping remark," said Lapinette. "Oh, which one? I've quite lost track," said the Wabbit, knowing what was coming next. "When we were in the supermarket about to fight those dangerous GM Skarrots," said Lapinette, "you went off and said that I should shop while I waited for you to come back." "That was a complimentary reference to your marvellous ability to multi-task," said the Wabbit, hoping for the best. "Well, I'd like to see you shop and fight off the wicked Agents of Rabit at the same time," said Lapinette. "No problem," said the Wabbit. "Well what would you shop for?" said Lapinette. "Bullets!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and his Thoughts

The three were in contemplative mood as they stopped on the stairs on the way home from a restaurant. Lapinette was thinking. She knew that the Wabbit adored Ghost Bunny and that his adoration was reciprocated. But she had no particular worries on that score because she knew the Wabbit and all his ways rather well. She knew that she tolerated many of the Wabbit's wilder idiosyncrasies, because she loved him and that was that. No-one else could know the Wabbit like Lapinette and so Lapinette smiled a satisfied smile. At the same time Ghost Bunny was also thinking. She knew that Lapinette knew she adored the Wabbit. But at the same time, Ghost Bunny was completely in awe of Lapinette. Ghost Bunny knew her own education and experience was at least the equal of Lapinette's. But even with Ghost Bunny's specialisation in Lacanian psychoanalysis, Lapinette represented something lovely to her that she couldn't quite fathom. Both quietly smiled to themselves. The Wabbit was also gently musing to himself but of all these thoughts he was blissfully unaware. In the depths of the Wabbit's imagination, Ghost Bunny and Lapinette had been locked in a staring competition for 48 hours. Neither would give up and their eyes were unflinching. The Wabbit let his mind drift and as it wandered, he saw himself creeping up quietly and unseen behind both of them. But just as he was about to burst a large paper bag, a voice shattered his reverie. "What are you thinking?" said Lapinette. "Nothing!" uttered the Wabbit. 

The Wabbits and the Mayday Fur

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette had been sent on a special mission far away. Their role was to offer help and support to everyone involved in the fight against cruel fur farming. The day was wet and cold when they arrived outside the Ministry of Agriculture. But even though they shivered in the wind, their hearts were warm so they didn't care. "Shouldn't we shout slogans?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit could only think of old ones from the old days. "¡No Pasarán!" he shouted. "That's over and done with," said Lapinette. "I rather doubt that," said the Wabbit. "What about ... fur belongs to the animal who wore it first?" said Lapinette. "That's very nice but hardly snappy," said the Wabbit and he had a good think. "I've got one," he said suddenly. "The stage is yours," said Lapinette. "There's no excuse!" shouted the Wabbit. "For animal abuse!" yelled Lapinette. They shouted the slogan back and forward, but after a while they needed a change. "Farmed fur doesn't keep you warm," shouted the Wabbit. "Give a hoot, give fur the boot," yelled Lapinette. "Oh, I do like that one," said the Wabbit and he stamped on the ground. "No-one really needs a fur coat," said Lapinette, "except wabbits and other animals." "Leonardo da Vinci would have agreed," said the Wabbit who had been reading up. "He may have been the first animal rights activist." What about St Francis of Assisi?" said Lapinette. "Leonardo has the edge," grinned the Wabbit. "Hoppy Mayday everyone!" smiled Lapinette.
[The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette ask Simon Coveney TD, Ireland Minister for Agriculture, to follow the lead of Scotland, Wales, England, Austria and Croatia in banning fur farming.]

The Wabbit and the Wyatt Earp Snail

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had ordered three carrot aperitivi because Big Blue Snail was going to drop by for the customary after-adventure meeting. "Howdy folks!" said Snail. "You're new in town ain't ya?" "No we're not," said the Wabbit, "we're very old in town." Lapinette knew Snail wanted to play, so she frowned at the Wabbit and played along. "You've got big broad shoulders Marshall Snail, but it'll take more than shoulders to clean up the town," she said. Suddenly the Wabbit got it and started to drawl. "This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere, Marshall, it don't matter none whether it's clean." Snail snorted and his hat balanced precariously on his antennae. "How does a Snail get to be a Marshall anyhows?" said Lapinette. "A Snail's gotta stop sliding around," said Snail. "A Snail's gotta stay in one place and protect his roots." The Wabbit smiled at Snail and turned to Lapinette. "What time is it lady?" he asked. "About ten past three," she replied. "Then where's the three ten to Youghal?" said the Wabbit. "Runnin' late I suppose," said Lapinette. "Silly trains," said the Wabbit, "you can't rely on 'em." By this time Lapinette felt she had more than enough. "I'm not going to ask what kind of adventure it was," she said suddenly. "No," said the Wabbit. "Every time Snail joins an adventure, it's a Western." "Nothing's too good for the Snail that nailed the Skarrots," smiled Lapinette. "You can say that again," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbits round 'em Up

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette herded the greened Skarrots safely into an enclosure and breathed a sigh of relief. "No more GM monster Skarrots," said the Wabbit. "Carrots are now safely nutritious for all," said Snail, who liked a well-cultivated carrot or two. "How shall we proceed?" asked Lapinette. "No recent orders," said the Wabbit, "so there’s only one thing to do." "What’s that?" asked Snail. The Wabbit swung his whip twice. It snapped and cracked in the air and the Skarrots cringed back. "Move them, move them, move them," he sang. "Though we disapprove them," trilled Lapinette in reply. "Keep them Skarrots movin', Rawhide!" bellowed the Wabbit. "Don’t try to comprehend them, just dice and chop and bend 'em," sang Snail, "soon we will herd them out of sight,"  "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on. Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide!" sang the Wabbit. "Cut 'em up, ride 'em in. Ride 'em in, cut 'em up. Cut 'em down, ride 'em in: Rawhide!" sang Lapinette. "Rollin’ rollin’ rollin', strollin' strollin' strollin', " hummed Snail. Lapinette cracked her whip several times then dropped her voice to become more melodic. "All the things we’re missin'," she sang. "Aperitivi, love, and kissin'," sang the Wabbit. "Are waiting at the end of our ride," sang Snail. "Hah!" shouted Lapinette and she cracked her whip again. "Hah!" shouted the Wabbit and he cracked his whip too. "Hah!" shouted Snail, who having no whip to crack, flailed his antennae instead - and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit sees 'em Coming

The gang fell back and while Snail recharged, the Wabbit and Lapinette lay in wait for the Skarrots at the top of the shopping centre escalator. "Maybe they'll be dragged into the stairs," said the Wabbit. "Have you ever known that happen to anyone?" asked Lapinette. "Only once," said the Wabbit. "Who was that?" asked Lapinette. "Me," said the Wabbit and he fiddled with his Snazer gun. "Lucky escape?" asked Lapinette. "Nearly all escalator fatalities are repair technicians," said the Wabbit. "But I was dragged between the combs and it's not good for the fur." "What's it like in there?" asked Lapinette. "Mainly skeletons," smiled the Wabbit. "Look, here comes Snail!" said Lapinette. Snail was crawling under his load of blue slime laser supplies when he saw the Skarrots emerge from the escalator. "Let me at 'em, the little modified devils," cried Snail as he launched a full scale attack on the Skarrots. "He's not the usual Snail with a laser, is he?" said the Wabbit, leaning on his gun. Gradually, Skarrots turned green at the gills as Snail nailed them one by one. "An onion can make you cry, but carrots can't make you laugh," observed Lapinette wryly an she tucked her gun under her arm. "That's something a Wabbit can't run away from," said the Wabbit. "Are you going to do Cowboy quotes all day?" snorted Snail. "I never miss a good chance to shut up," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit at the Supermarket Corral

The Wabbit tossed a Snazer to Lapinette like John Wayne in Rio Bravo and she caught it, spun round and with only one paw fired on the nearest Skarrot. It made a green splodge on an unfortunate place and the Skarrot turned and snarled with bared teeth. "Hey Skarrot!" cried Lapinette," you forgot your pants." The Skarrot let out a terrifying howl and suddenly the supermarket was alive with a criss-cross of orange and blue rays. "What's with the new Snazer, Wabbit?" shouted Lapinette. "Snail made adjustments," the Wabbit shouted back and he hit a Skarrot square on his modified carrot top. Snail kept cover from the rear and Lapinette ducked under the crossfire as the Wabbit sprayed right and left. "Did you get the artichoke tubers?" yelled the Wabbit as he hit another Skarrot. "No, they'd gone orange!" shouted Lapinette and she caught a slower Skarrot on his tapering cone. But the Skarrots seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of carrot ray fuel and the battle raged on and on. "How are we for supplies, Snail?" shouted the Wabbit. "You look like you swallowed a chicken." "I'm well depleted," yelled Snail. So the Wabbit made a decision. "Fall back, fall back!" he shouted. "How do we get into these fights?" yelled Lapinette. "We get bored," answered the Wabbit. "So what about the shopping?" shouted Lapinette, clipping another Skarrot on the root and backing off. "Later!" yelled the Wabbit.