The Wabbit and the stash of Irn Bru

"Where's this? asked Skratch. "It's the Wabbit's homeland," answered Quantum the Time Travelling Train. "Off you hop now and have a nice snack!" So while they assembled round a table, Skratch thought he would get the drinks. "Carrot aperitivi," he called in a loud cat voice. "Oh I don't think they have these here," said the Wabbit, "but I do see something else." "So do I!" said Ghost Bunny, "it says Irn Bru on the label."  "Made in Scotland from Girders," said the Wabbit. Lapinette giggled. "And how do they do that exactly?" she smiled. Lapinette was merely teasing, because she had found the Wabbit's secret stash of Irn Bru in the back of a cupboard along with a sporran, a skean dubh and a tartan football hat. Of this discovery she said nothing. "Irn Bru is so made of girders," said the Wabbit following a pause. "It contains ammonium ferric citrate!" "Point nought nought two percent," said Ghost Bunny quietly. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. "It puts fur on your chest, so will you join me in a glass?" "Me too," said Quantum the Train and they all settled back. "So what about the Ice Mice? What kind of adventure was that exactly?" asked Skratch. "It was an Eco adventure," said Ghost Bunny who took an interest in popular television. "The Skarrots was an Eco adventure too," said Lapinette. "Are we getting in a rut, then?" asked Skratch. The Wabbit sipped his drink and smacked his lips. He knew only too well that Lapinette had discovered his secret hoard of Irn Bru because he was one bottle short. "No, it's more of a groove," he grinned.

8. The Wabbit in the Sombrero Galaxy

Quantum jettisoned the container of Ice Mice on the edge of the Sombrero Galaxy and all the gang cheered as they watched it spiral off into the distance. "I hope we've seen the last of these mice," said Skratch the Cat Burglar. "Somehow I doubt it," said the Wabbit. "There's a big black hole down there," said Lovely Lapinette. "A black mouse hole?" asked Skratch. Everyone laughed. "Now it's time for us to sing," said Quantum the Time Travelling Train. "Sing?" said Ghost Bunny in surprise. "We always sing," said Quantum. "Well only just the once before," said the Wabbit. "That's how traditions begin," said Quantum, "so you start, Commander Wabbit." "Oh all right," said the Wabbit and he put his paw to his ear in authentic folk fashion and adopted a nasal voice. "All around my hat!" he chanted. "I will wear the green willow," responded Quantum melodically and started a background music track. "All around my hat, for a twelve month and a day," sang Lapinette. "And if anyone should ask me," sang Skratch. "The reason why I'm wearing it," added Ghost Bunny. And then they all joined together and sang with gusto. "It's all for my True Love who is far far away!" And across billions of galaxies, trillions of light years away from the Sombrero Galaxy, space travellers picked up a strange signal on sub space communications. It was the sound of merry singing. And soon, over the vast universe, everyone was singing that self same song.

7. The Wabbit and the Quantum Airlift

Ghost Bunny was already aboard Quantum the Time Travelling Train and the rest of the gang could feel the effect of Quantum's powerful engines. But the Ice Mice had no choice. They were drawn aboard as if compelled to travel. Quantum started to shudder and shake. "All aboard, all aboard!" shouted the Wabbit. "Please have your travel documents ready," shouted Skratch. "No liquids, no lighters, no plastic forks," shouted Lapinette. Quantum's shaking stopped and the train began to hum in an increasingly strange tone. "This is your Captain speaking," intoned Ghost Bunny over the loudspeakers. "In the unlikely event of being frozen in a different dimension, please use the oxygen masks and sick bags provided." The gang could hear a muted chattering. "I guess the Ice Mice just picked the wrong train," said Skratch. "What time is it?" asked Lapinette of the Wabbit. "Six five," he said, "and the station is a shakin'." "Shall we then board?" said Lapinette. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," said Skratch. Ghost Bunny slid back the cabin door and they all lurched on. The Wabbit looked around. "Quantum, we meet again," he said. "Commander," said Quantum. "Welcome aboard. Our destination is Galaxy T104. Ghost Bunny has already walked around." "I haunted round and all is well," said Ghost Bunny, handing the Wabbit a sheaf of paperwork. "OK," said the Wabbit and he hopped on the footplate. "Out and up, Quantum. Nice and easy." There was a sudden shudder, then a flash and all that remained was a faint smell of engine shavings.

6. The Wabbit and the Emergency Plan

The Wabbit watched as Ghost Bunny's Processor crushed the Ice Mice, but he was not expecting a vast number of small Ice Mice to swarm towards them. "Plan?" shouted Lapinette. "Run!" shouted the Wabbit. In a flurry of paws and fur, they shot along the Walkway with speed. But the Ice Mice were everywhere - as far back as their eyes could see. "Ghost Bunny!" panted the Wabbit. "Yes Commander," breathed Ghost Bunny. "Can you haunt ahead and prepare Quantum the Time Travelling Train?" yelled the Wabbit, shaking off a voracious Ice Mouse from his rear leg. "On my way," shouted Ghost Bunny and she shimmered and vanished. Keeping just ahead, the three puffed and huffed and hopped along the ramp, except for Skratch who was a cat. "It's like the Pied Piper of Hamleys!" yelled the Wabbit. "Hornby!" corrected Skratch. "Hamelin!" shouted Lapinette. "I never got the point of that story," huffed the Wabbit. "Did the rats vanish?" "Oh yes," panted Lapinette. "and everyone else too. No-one was ever seen again." "I want to be seen again," gasped the Wabbit. "Then where are you sending them?" asked Lapinette. "Far, far away," said the Wabbit. "Far is good," said Lapinette, glancing behind her. "They're going to Galaxy M104, 28 million light years as the crow warps," shouted the Wabbit. "Not the Sombrero Galaxy?" gasped Skratch. "Yes," yelled the Wabbit, "but keep it under your hat."

5, The Wabbit and the Big Crossbow

"Where did you get a giant crossbow?" asked the Wabbit. "Requisition!" said both Lapinette and Ghost Bunny at once. The Wabbit was none the wiser but ploughed on. "Won't the Ice Mice notice the Crossbow?" he asked. "Oh yes, that's half the fun," said Ghost Bunny. "They'll see it but they won't believe it." Everyone nodded and looked the Crossbow up and down. "All right, let's see if we have this corrrect," interrupted the Wabbit. "Ghost Bunny, the Cooling Tower has been modified into a Quantum Compressor?" "Crushedy, crushedy," said Ghost Bunny. Lapinette thought that Ghost Bunny was definitely spending too much time with the Wabbit. "The craft are dawn inexorably into the Cooling Tower and we lob these disks in after them," she said. "What's in the disks now?" asked the Wabbit. "Soot," said Ghost Bunny. "We're very low-tech today," observed the Wabbit. "Retro, Commander," replied Ghost Bunny. "but their weapons will become ineffective." "And the mice?" asked the Wabbit. "Small," said Ghost Bunny. "Tiny," said Lapinette. "Miniscule?" suggested the Wabbit. "No, not that small," said Lapinette. "And then what do we do?" said the Wabbit. "I don't know, that's your department," said Lapinette. "Recycle?" said Ghost Bunny. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we'll let the fellows at the recycling plant sort it out." "No Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette. "We'll send them back from whence they came!" "What's their address?" asked the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Secret Meeting

The Wabbit gathered with his close associates in a secret location to discuss the peril of the Ice Mice. "OK everyone," said the Wabbit. For a while he poked the stolen disk with a collapsible mono pod that he kept in his fur. "Ghost Bunny! What do you hear? What do you say?" rapped the Wabbit suddenly. "Don't poke the disk, Wabbit. It's a weather weapon," murmured Ghost Bunny in the Wabbit's ear. "You don't say?" said the Wabbit, rolling the disk back and forward. "Wabbit, that is an Active Ice Underground Tool - or AIUTO if you will," explained Ghost Bunny. "Help!" smiled Lapinette. "Got it!" said the Wabbit. "Look Skratch, these flying saucers. What's the word in the Turin porticos and pasticceri?" "They think a film crew is making a movie," said Skratch quickly. "There's a rumour that it's called the Italian Job in Space." "I hate remakes," said the Wabbit. Everyone shook their heads sadly. "Now Lapinette," said the Wabbit. "I need good ideas quickly." "Give them a taste of their own weather," said Lapinette. "and turn their weapons against them." "The disks are rather unstable. It's a bad idea," said Ghost Bunny solemnly. "Has anyone got a worse one?" asked the Wabbit. Everyone looked puzzled and in the confusion the Wabbit took the opportunity to enforce his choice. "We'll run with Lapinette's idea," he said. "Ghost Bunny, I need reverse disks and plenty of them." "Right away, Commander," sighed Ghost Bunny.  "When do we start?" said Lapinette. "Immediately," said the Wabbit, "weather permitting."

3. The Wabbit gets some Help

The Wabbit avoided the fire from the air and made it to the heart of the city, but still the strange craft of the Ice Mice hovered high above and the Wabbit could plainly be seen through the gaps made by public works. "Accursed developers!" muttered the Wabbit and he made for the back of the Big New Station. But he could hear a familiar voice above the sounds of the city. "Wabbit! Over here, Wabbit!" The Wabbit glanced round and caught whatever was spiraling towards him. He didn't quite remember taking aim and he certainly doesn't recall squeezing the trigger. But there was a blast of such magnitude that windows in nearby buildings shook themselves from their frames and crashed to the ground. When the explosion died away, there was a dead silence and then with an awful creaking, the craft slowly tilted and sank from the sky. The Wabbit looked at Skratch. "I'm glad to see you my friend. New coat?" he smiled. "Your requisition," said Skratch. "Really? said the Wabbit, who had indeed signed the paperwork without optimism. "And the Snaser?" he asked, stroking it. "Improved," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit. Skratch grinned a big grin but then frowned. "What about these interlopers?" he asked, pointing a wary paw to the sky. The Wabbit saw five more vessels headed their way. "Do you know something Skratch?" he said. Skratch tilted his head enquiringly. "Just for a moment there I thought we were in trouble." said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit stays on the Road

With the strange craft behind him, the Wabbit took off at speed. He knew the terrain but the craft had the advantage of height and could see everywhere the Wabbit went. So the Wabbit thought he may as well keep to the road and he dodged right and left to avoid the crackling beams that threatened to slice through his fur. "Keep right on to the end of the road," hummed the Wabbit to give himself company. It seemed to work, and he was able to quicken his pace and hum some more. "Though your heart be strong and the road be long, keep right on round the bend!" he hummed. The beams looked hot from a distance but when they came close the Wabbit felt an icy chill and he shivered. "I need to find cover and lose this annoying fellow," thought the Wabbit. "Cover, cover, cover. Where, where, where?" he asked himself. At the same time, the Wabbit was wondering why the Ice Mice had returned so close to his location. On their last encounter he and Ghost Bunny had given them a trouncing that they no doubt remembered. But there was something else. It was such an obvious something else that it completely eluded him. The Wabbit shoved this thought to the back of his mind, which was fairly capacious. "This is too countrified," thought the Wabbit. "I need the nooks and crannies of the city." "And controlled air space," said a voice from the back of his mind. The Wabbit made a left turn and headed for the depths of the city where he knew he belonged.

1. The Wabbit & the Return of the Ice Mice

It was only by chance that the Wabbit was passing the Old Abandoned Laundry. He had just popped through the derelict gates to see if there was anything to see, when a shadow passed over him and he looked up to see a familiar craft. "Ice Mice!" he hissed and he crouched behind an old rusty tank. "I thought they had departed for a distant galaxy," mused the Wabbit. The Ice Mice either didn't see the Wabbit or ignored him, because they were intent on their task. They worked industriously to harvest the disks that fell from their craft and then bore them around with feverish haste. The Wabbit tried to work out what the disks were. They glowed, but not always. Some were bigger, some smaller. Some seemed heavier than others and they all made a sonorous ringing if dropped. The Wabbit could do little on his own, but he saw that one disk had rolled close and he wondered if he could reach it. He stretched and stretched - but it was just out of his grasp and when he nearly had it in his paw, it rolled slightly further way. "Accursed thing!" muttered the Wabbit under his breath. But under his breath was not low enough for the sharp ears of one Ice Mouse and it looked over at the Wabbit and squealed. All the Ice Mice turned to look. "Time to go!" thought the Wabbit and he grabbed the disk, tucked it into his fur and loped for the gate. The Wabbit outpaced the Ice Mice easily, but from the corner of his eye he could see the strange craft close its bay doors and move in his direction.

The Wabbit and the Shopping Joke

"Why are we here?" asked Lapinette." "We're shopping," said the Wabbit. "What on earth for?" asked Lapinette. "I'm not exactly sure. I'll know it when I see it," replied the Wabbit. "This shop is full of not very useful things," said Lapinette. "Ah," said the Wabbit with a look that he adopted when he thought he knew better than everyone else. "They don't look useful now but later we might need something that we didn't buy when we had the opportunity." "Like what?" scoffed Lapinette. "Small bags of unusual dimensions," said the Wabbit. "And things for removing things from other things." "Which would then fit into an unusually shaped bag?" suggested Lapinette. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. Silence fell, but not for long. "I haven't forgotten that shopping remark," said Lapinette. "Oh, which one? I've quite lost track," said the Wabbit, knowing what was coming next. "When we were in the supermarket about to fight those dangerous GM Skarrots," said Lapinette, "you went off and said that I should shop while I waited for you to come back." "That was a complimentary reference to your marvellous ability to multi-task," said the Wabbit, hoping for the best. "Well, I'd like to see you shop and fight off the wicked Agents of Rabit at the same time," said Lapinette. "No problem," said the Wabbit. "Well what would you shop for?" said Lapinette. "Bullets!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and his Thoughts

The three were in contemplative mood as they stopped on the stairs on the way home from a restaurant. Lapinette was thinking. She knew that the Wabbit adored Ghost Bunny and that his adoration was reciprocated. But she had no particular worries on that score because she knew the Wabbit and all his ways rather well. She knew that she tolerated many of the Wabbit's wilder idiosyncrasies, because she loved him and that was that. No-one else could know the Wabbit like Lapinette and so Lapinette smiled a satisfied smile. At the same time Ghost Bunny was also thinking. She knew that Lapinette knew she adored the Wabbit. But at the same time, Ghost Bunny was completely in awe of Lapinette. Ghost Bunny knew her own education and experience was at least the equal of Lapinette's. But even with Ghost Bunny's specialisation in Lacanian psychoanalysis, Lapinette represented something lovely to her that she couldn't quite fathom. Both quietly smiled to themselves. The Wabbit was also gently musing to himself but of all these thoughts he was blissfully unaware. In the depths of the Wabbit's imagination, Ghost Bunny and Lapinette had been locked in a staring competition for 48 hours. Neither would give up and their eyes were unflinching. The Wabbit let his mind drift and as it wandered, he saw himself creeping up quietly and unseen behind both of them. But just as he was about to burst a large paper bag, a voice shattered his reverie. "What are you thinking?" said Lapinette. "Nothing!" uttered the Wabbit. 

The Wabbits and the Mayday Fur

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette had been sent on a special mission far away. Their role was to offer help and support to everyone involved in the fight against cruel fur farming. The day was wet and cold when they arrived outside the Ministry of Agriculture. But even though they shivered in the wind, their hearts were warm so they didn't care. "Shouldn't we shout slogans?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit could only think of old ones from the old days. "¡No Pasarán!" he shouted. "That's over and done with," said Lapinette. "I rather doubt that," said the Wabbit. "What about ... fur belongs to the animal who wore it first?" said Lapinette. "That's very nice but hardly snappy," said the Wabbit and he had a good think. "I've got one," he said suddenly. "The stage is yours," said Lapinette. "There's no excuse!" shouted the Wabbit. "For animal abuse!" yelled Lapinette. They shouted the slogan back and forward, but after a while they needed a change. "Farmed fur doesn't keep you warm," shouted the Wabbit. "Give a hoot, give fur the boot," yelled Lapinette. "Oh, I do like that one," said the Wabbit and he stamped on the ground. "No-one really needs a fur coat," said Lapinette, "except wabbits and other animals." "Leonardo da Vinci would have agreed," said the Wabbit who had been reading up. "He may have been the first animal rights activist." What about St Francis of Assisi?" said Lapinette. "Leonardo has the edge," grinned the Wabbit. "Hoppy Mayday everyone!" smiled Lapinette.
[The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette ask Simon Coveney TD, Ireland Minister for Agriculture, to follow the lead of Scotland, Wales, England, Austria and Croatia in banning fur farming.]

The Wabbit and the Wyatt Earp Snail

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had ordered three carrot aperitivi because Big Blue Snail was going to drop by for the customary after-adventure meeting. "Howdy folks!" said Snail. "You're new in town ain't ya?" "No we're not," said the Wabbit, "we're very old in town." Lapinette knew Snail wanted to play, so she frowned at the Wabbit and played along. "You've got big broad shoulders Marshall Snail, but it'll take more than shoulders to clean up the town," she said. Suddenly the Wabbit got it and started to drawl. "This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere, Marshall, it don't matter none whether it's clean." Snail snorted and his hat balanced precariously on his antennae. "How does a Snail get to be a Marshall anyhows?" said Lapinette. "A Snail's gotta stop sliding around," said Snail. "A Snail's gotta stay in one place and protect his roots." The Wabbit smiled at Snail and turned to Lapinette. "What time is it lady?" he asked. "About ten past three," she replied. "Then where's the three ten to Youghal?" said the Wabbit. "Runnin' late I suppose," said Lapinette. "Silly trains," said the Wabbit, "you can't rely on 'em." By this time Lapinette felt she had more than enough. "I'm not going to ask what kind of adventure it was," she said suddenly. "No," said the Wabbit. "Every time Snail joins an adventure, it's a Western." "Nothing's too good for the Snail that nailed the Skarrots," smiled Lapinette. "You can say that again," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbits round 'em Up

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette herded the greened Skarrots safely into an enclosure and breathed a sigh of relief. "No more GM monster Skarrots," said the Wabbit. "Carrots are now safely nutritious for all," said Snail, who liked a well-cultivated carrot or two. "How shall we proceed?" asked Lapinette. "No recent orders," said the Wabbit, "so there’s only one thing to do." "What’s that?" asked Snail. The Wabbit swung his whip twice. It snapped and cracked in the air and the Skarrots cringed back. "Move them, move them, move them," he sang. "Though we disapprove them," trilled Lapinette in reply. "Keep them Skarrots movin', Rawhide!" bellowed the Wabbit. "Don’t try to comprehend them, just dice and chop and bend 'em," sang Snail, "soon we will herd them out of sight,"  "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on. Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide!" sang the Wabbit. "Cut 'em up, ride 'em in. Ride 'em in, cut 'em up. Cut 'em down, ride 'em in: Rawhide!" sang Lapinette. "Rollin’ rollin’ rollin', strollin' strollin' strollin', " hummed Snail. Lapinette cracked her whip several times then dropped her voice to become more melodic. "All the things we’re missin'," she sang. "Aperitivi, love, and kissin'," sang the Wabbit. "Are waiting at the end of our ride," sang Snail. "Hah!" shouted Lapinette and she cracked her whip again. "Hah!" shouted the Wabbit and he cracked his whip too. "Hah!" shouted Snail, who having no whip to crack, flailed his antennae instead - and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit sees 'em Coming

The gang fell back and while Snail recharged, the Wabbit and Lapinette lay in wait for the Skarrots at the top of the shopping centre escalator. "Maybe they'll be dragged into the stairs," said the Wabbit. "Have you ever known that happen to anyone?" asked Lapinette. "Only once," said the Wabbit. "Who was that?" asked Lapinette. "Me," said the Wabbit and he fiddled with his Snazer gun. "Lucky escape?" asked Lapinette. "Nearly all escalator fatalities are repair technicians," said the Wabbit. "But I was dragged between the combs and it's not good for the fur." "What's it like in there?" asked Lapinette. "Mainly skeletons," smiled the Wabbit. "Look, here comes Snail!" said Lapinette. Snail was crawling under his load of blue slime laser supplies when he saw the Skarrots emerge from the escalator. "Let me at 'em, the little modified devils," cried Snail as he launched a full scale attack on the Skarrots. "He's not the usual Snail with a laser, is he?" said the Wabbit, leaning on his gun. Gradually, Skarrots turned green at the gills as Snail nailed them one by one. "An onion can make you cry, but carrots can't make you laugh," observed Lapinette wryly an she tucked her gun under her arm. "That's something a Wabbit can't run away from," said the Wabbit. "Are you going to do Cowboy quotes all day?" snorted Snail. "I never miss a good chance to shut up," said the Wabbit.