The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

Skratch the Cat was late as usual but not by much. Lapinette was late too. The Wabbit and Wabsworth were engrossed in conversation and were merrily rapping paws on the table. "Hello Skratch," said Lapinette, "We're just in time to tell everyone what an exciting adventure the Wabbit and I just had." Wabsworth was already in full flow. "I've been hearing all about it." Skratch leaned over the table. "I thought it disappeared, like all sci-fi, into the accretion of postmodern theoretical debris." The Wabbit laughed. "I don't know how you can justify that one, Skratch." I can't," meaowed Skratch, "but I rather like saying it." Wabsworth coughed. "Let's lay bare the cultural instrumentalities at work." Lapinette groaned. "But that fails to adequately deal with generic issues." The Wabbit wanted to have his say. "The best we could do was to introduce a rogue truck as the monster. This struck at the heart of generic convention." Lapinette wasn't impressed. "Where does that stand in the paradoxical circle of cause and effect?" Skratch was amused. "Where is the truck anyway?" "Round in the corner in the underground car park," said Lapinette. "That's a postmodern aesthetic dilemma in itself," replied the Wabbit, "It calls into question the existing patterns of consumption and usage." Lapinette allowed a small guffaw. "That's what the truck said anyway." Skratch was getting thirsty. "What about or own patterns of usage and consumption?" The Wabbit raised himself up and shouted to the bar. "Four proseccos please!" "And a packet of peanuts!" added Lapinette.
 

7. The Wabbit and the Extra Vehicle

Thinking better of buying the van, the Wabbit and Lapinette made their way back to join Quantum the Time Travelling Train. But the van followed them. Through the auction room and up the rickety-rackety stairs, it followed relentlessly. The Spieler stood in their way but the van just ran him over. They could hear the crunching of his bones. The Wabbit shrugged and ran on. Finally they arrived at the space tether and Quantum guided them in. Then they looked back. The truck had followed out into space. The Wabbit offered up his paws. "I put the money back, I swear I didn't buy him." Lapinette continued to insist it was his fault, but there was nothing the Wabbit or anyone could do. He couldn't hear its engine but he spotted exhaust fumes. "We'll have that Greta Thunberg on our backs for this." Lapinette said something that the Wabbit couldn't quite hear, but he knew it was very rude indeed. The Wabbit yelled to Quantum and crashed into lattice drive. There was an explosion and they left at speed. But the truck was still there. Quantum spoke to the Wabbit over the intercom. "I'm getting a communication from the blessed truck you brought with you." He sighed deeply and asked what it was. "He wants to know how he gets into second gear," said Quantum. The Wabbit gritted all of his 28 teeth. "Tell him to select reverse and go home." There was a pause. "He says it's broken." The Wabbit let fly with several expletives and ended with: "We don't have parking space." They heard a babble of signals, then Quantum spoke. "He says we're in space now and there's plenty of space."

6. The Wabbit and the Shabby Market

The scene gave way to a very shabby market indeed. Lapinette paused to scrabble but the Wabbit strode forward with purposeful expression. "Serviceable van here," he said, "it's small but properly marked." Lapinette looked round. "It's probably for moving things around, Wabbit." The Wabbit was skeptical. "On an asteroid?" The Wabbit looked around the rest of the market. "A load of old tat," he said. Lapinette laughed. "I thought you liked that." The Wabbit shook his head. "To a limit," He wasn't so happy, but he searched and searched anyway, coming up with next to nothing. "Seems to still be Christmas here," he said. "They might have wanted to liven it up," replied Lapinette. "It needs it," scoffed the Wabbit. He looked at the van again. "How much do you think they want for it?" Lapinette was looking at an old chair. "About a fiver," she said. The Wabbit nodded. He took five QUID out of his fur and laid it on a nearby shelf. Then he jumped inside the van. "The keys are still in it." He started the van and everything shook. Lapinette waved the fumes aside. "You can't take the van," she said. "Why not?" said the Wabbit. He put his foot on the throttle and it started to move. "I forbid you to take the van," said Lapinette. The Wabbit gave up and jumped out. But the van didn't stop. It rolled past Lapinette and out of the doors, into space. "I told you," said Lapinette. The Wabbit watched it go. "It's going about its appointed rounds," he observed, "Maybe it's 2020 GT." "QG," said Lapinette.

[ "A car-size asteroid flew within 1,830 miles of Earth over the weekend, the closest pass ever. We didn't see it coming."]

5. The Wabbit and the Bony Auctioneer

The Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves in an auction room with windows looking out into space. At the front was a skeleton. The Wabbit knew him. His name was Spieler and he travelled across galaxies in order to lie, cheat and swindle. The Wabbit hid round a corner and took out his automatic. Lapinette pranced into the theatre and danced to his stream of sales talk. "Super Crazy Prices, no crazier then here," shouted the Spieler. Lapinette yelled "Yay," and danced some more. "What can I sell the cute little lady in the tartan frock?" smiled the Spieler. "What'ya got?" responded Lapinette. She threw her hands in the air in the manner of a Highland Fling. The Spieler smiled. "I got asteroids, planets, nebulas. clusters. I got whole galaxies for less than a pack of peas." Lapinette laughed. "What about the whole universe?" The Spieler wasn't fazed at all. "Buy it from me and you'll be the sexiest rabbit in it!" The Wabbit had heard enough. He stepped out and pointed his automatic. "That's it, you faker. I'm arresting you for phony boney baloozy." The Spieler made his way to stand in front of the Wabbit. "You're out of your jurisdiction, Commander." He placed a bony finger on the muzzle of the automatic and added, "Or my names not Boney Maroney." He turned to walk back. The Wabbit fired. The Spieler kept walking, turning back once to raise a single digit. Then everything vanished. The auction room was the barest place you could imagine ...

4. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Crazy Prices

The Wabbit and Lapinette made their way down.  It was ornate but heavily faded and the stairway creaked and cracked with every step they took. Lapinette didn't seem to care whereas the Wabbit was amused. A stencilled sign flashed at them and the recorded voice started again. "Super crazy. Crazy crazy crazy. Every one of our prices is super crazy." Water dripped down the walls with a steady drip drip drip. "Thinking of buying something?" asked the Wabbit. "I won't know until I get there," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled again because he usually had something in mind. The lights flickered and returned to life. "I was looking for a multi-headed electrical thing," said the Wabbit. The lights dimmed again. Lapinette didn't reply because she was ferreting. "Maybe a good set of tools to repair these stairs," said the Wabbit. "Tell the landlord," said Lapinette. She moved downwards into the gloom. The Wabbit followed on. They could see a large warehouse. It was filled with what the Wabbit could only describe as bric-a-brac and grotty tat. The Wabbit took one look and turned to go. "I've seen enough," he said. He hunched his shoulders and stuck a paw in his fur. "We've come this far," said Lapinette, "there may be something ultra valuable here." The Wabbit stifled a giggle. "We'll be rich beyond our wildest dreams." Lapinette bent to look at something. "What's this?" The Wabbit bent down to look - and at that moment the stairs collapsed flat and he tumbled the rest of the way. "That got me down," he said. "Stairway to heaven?" quipped Lapinette. "That's the other way," grumbled the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Market in Space

The asteroid was worth investigating. It was going the same way at the same speed and it seemed improper not to. They were still in Lattice Drive so Quantum set up a tether and off they went. They scrambled over the asteroid and they found nothing interesting until they came to what looked like a cave. The Wabbit hesitated on the edge but Lapinette looked inside. A light came on. An arrow lit up. A sign pulsed and the sign said Market. It says "Market," said Lapinette. "Yes," said the Wabbit, "but what kind of a market is it?" As if in answer, a recorded voice started to shout. "Super Crazy Prices, you won't get lower. Shop at Super Crazy Prices, for all your planetary needs." It wouldn't stop and repeated several times. Lapinette didn't hesitate. "It might stop if we go in and buy something." She grinned and disappeared, The Wabbit followed. The message got louder. Lights came on. Inside was a cavern of goods on sale at super crazy prices. The message changed. "Today we have special offers on illuminating white mice. An absolute bargain at 5 QUID each. Surround yourself with mice light. Protection from all forms of adversity guaranteed." The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "White mice?" Lapinette laughed. "White mice have long cared for interplanetary travellers." The Wabbit looked quizzical but the voice boomed again. "Dark clouds of misfortune dispelled by our jolly jujus at super crazy prices!" Lapinette looked round. "Make a purchase?" The Wabbit didn't like the sound of it. But he dug in his fur for some space currency ... 

[QUID: Quasi Universal Intergalactic Denomination]

2. The Wabbit and the Object in Space

The Wabbit persuaded Lapinette he knew of a much better market but it was a bit of a hike. Soon they sat aboard Quantum the Time Travelling Train with the Wabbit in charge. Kepler 186-f was an M Class planet and was only around 500 light years away. The Wabbit had heard it boasted some of the best markets in the Milky Way - but how much of that was tittle tattle he had little idea. The Wabbit tried to set coordinates but Quantum was ahead of him. With a blast of hot gases, he was off. It was all for show, because Quantum emitted little in the way of gases. With hardly any motion at all, Quantum engaged lattice drive. The Wabbit leaned back in his seat as they flashed through space. "Just a little jaunt," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was amused. "A spin?" she asked, "I hope you packed a picnic basket." The Wabbit tapped a hamper beside him. "Just in case we get hungry," he said. The speaker system crackled. "Better prepare for evasive action Commander," said Quantum, "we have a rogue asteroid in our path." The Wabbit was confused but Quantum anticipated his confusion. "It's also travelling at lattice speed, Commander." It was highly unusual. Quantum said as much as he sidestepped the asteroid and booted his engines to maximum. Soon the asteroid disappeared, but just as quickly reappeared on the starboard side. "I can't shake him," said Quantum. "Is there any immediate danger?" asked Lapinette. "No," responded Quantum in an annoyed voice. "Just leave him then," said Lapinette. Quantum chuckled. "I believe we have no crater enemy."