The Wabbit and the St Andrew's Day Mission

It was St Andrew's Day and the Wabbit rushed to the Parliament of his homeland to make a plea for restitution on behalf of the wabbits. "Attention Members please," said the Presiding Officer. "Attention for Commander Wabbit MacWabbit of that Ilk, who will make a formal request on behalf of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." There was a discreet murmuring from the Members. "Ahem," said the Wabbit, clearing his throat. "I'll get straight to the guts of the matter." "He speaks plainly," said one Member. "I like that" said another. The Wabbit straightened his coat and began. "My species endured a great injustice owing to the illegal introduction of the Mixoma virus here in 1953 and 95% of us were killed," he said."That was under a very different Parliament," said the Presiding Officer. "We haven't been here long." "With the greatest of respect," said the Wabbit to all the assembly, "you were part of the Government of the day and will make due amends." "What kind of amends?" said the Presiding Officer. "You will provide medicine to wipe out the virus in your land." said the Wabbit. He stared around at all the faces and spoke again. "It's my land too, and therefore I insist that measures be expedited soonest." Your proposal must pass through our Finance Committee," said the Presiding Officer. The Wabbit looked up and took from his fur a vast spiral-bound dossier full of facts and figures and names and dates. He then ruffled its many pages so much that the resulting wind caused his ears to flail. "This," he said, "will speed things up."

8. The Wabbit and his Job Description

The Wabbit and Lapinette hopped across the country bridge and the Wabbit took Lapinette's paw. "What's everyone been doing when I was away?" asked the Wabbit. He was desperate to talk about his travels, but he wanted to be polite. "You haven't been away long!" said Lapinette. "What?" said the Wabbit. "You hopped into Quantum the Time Travelling Train and hopped out again," said Lapinette "You said your mission was complete and you had carrot juice on your whiskers." "It seemed like ages," said the Wabbit and Lapinette smiled. "Well, it felt long enough to miss you," said the Wabbit and he said nothing about the carrot juice. "We got our apology from Comte Mal de Merde," said Lapinette. "He wasn't evil, but acted foolishly by releasing the virus," said the Wabbit. "Now there's the question of restitution," stated Lapinette. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "Now, governments must pay by supplying medicine to cure wabbits," she said. "That sounds like quite a mission," said the Wabbit. "Do you want it?" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit's fur stood on end and he hopped up and down. "It's not in my job description," said the Wabbit. "Yes it is, it's at the end," said Lapinette. The Wabbit groaned and smacked a paw against his head. "Anything whatsoever, that might be needed at any time, anywhere," quoted Lapinette.

7. The Wabbit and the Galloway Stopover

Quantum, the Time Travelling Train, made a surprise stop on the way home and the Wabbit found himself at a picnic table with glass of carrot juice. "I know this place," said Wabbit in recognition. "This is Galloway in my homeland!" "Welcome home, Commander, " said Quantum. "Oh, thank you!" said the Wabbit and he sipped his carrot juice and breathed the air. "Since this is a kind of works outing," said Quantum, "I believe we are obliged to sing." The Wabbit felt overwhelmed by choice. "What can we sing, what can we sing?" he mused. "Something of the land," advised Quantum. "The Rolling Hills of the Border!" said the Wabbit. "You start," said Quantum. The Wabbit placed a paw over one ear, threw back his head and sang. "There's a certain peace of mind, Bonnie wabbits there you'll find." "Wabbits sturdy, yet so kind, Among the hills of the border," sang Quantum. They both chuckled. "How do you know the words?" asked the Wabbit. "I know most things," said Quantum. "I know your uncle is the Chief of Galloway." "Distant uncle," said the Wabbit. "Isn't that him over there?" asked Quantum. "Time to get going," said the Wabbit. Quantum was surprised. "He's very nice but he's inclined to chew my ear off," said the Wabbit. "We'll quietly vanish," said Quantum. And they did.

6. The Wabbit takes the Scenic Route Home

“Is your mission all done and dusted?" asked Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "It's done," said the Wabbit. "And I felt quite sorry for poor Comte Mal de Merde." "That's all in the past now!" said Quantum cheerfully. "How are your ears?" "Frazzled," said the Wabbit. "Then I must provide you with relaxing entertainment," said Quantum. "So would you prefer the quick route, Commander, or the scenic route home?" "Scenic," said the Wabbit and he settled back with a sigh. Quantum immediately vibrated and all the interior lights flickered. "Look out of the window, Commander," said Quantum, as usual. The Wabbit looked out and saw a mighty worm hole open and a caravan of shuttles pass through. "Are you ready?" asked Quantum. "Ready when you are," said the Wabbit and he gasped as Quantum darted through a hurricane of light particles. The Wabbit and Quantum seemed to whirl and twirl and spin and stretch until suddenly they emerged on the other side of the singularity. "How are your ears now?" asked Quantum. "Calm," said the Wabbit and he observed the shuttles. "But where are these other craft going?" he said. “They are trader ships, exploiting the Kuiper Belt," said Quantum. "Why don't we bump into them?" asked the Wabbit. "I have a temporal warning horn, which can alarm anything up to 1 billion light years away," replied Quantum. "I think you should speak to Ghost Bunny," smiled the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Fate of the Comte

As the Wabbit faded from sight, Male de Merde felt the room grow icy until everything was frost and his very bones froze to the marrow. His limbs seized solid and in terror the Comte watched his life flash backwards before his eyes. And as he gazed raptly, images of his childhood loomed and he saw a toy wabbit that he had cherished. When one of his beloved toy's ears became detached he had beseeched his mother to sew it back. But neither of them could find the ear and Mal de Merde cast his toy aside. In the icy chill, Mal de Merde remembered how once he would go nowhere without it and and he began to weep uncontrollably. His tears streamed in continuous torrents and their warmth melted the icy grip on his hands. So with what strength he had left, he seized the Government medal awarded to him for ridding the country of so many wabbits. He took one last look at it because once he had been proud of his achievement. Then he smashed the medal against his desk with enormous force. He battered that medal time and time again until ice and wood splinters tore at his fingers. Suddenly, warmth returned to the room. Mal de Merde looked around and, listening carefully in the still, he thought he could just make out the sound of a train passing. He was nodding a grim farewell to the mysterious Wabbit, who had brought about these events, when he suddenly became aware of a throbbing in his hand. The Comte looked down. An image of a wabbit was indelibly etched on his palm.

4. The Wabbit and the Apology

Comte Mal de Merde was studying in his study when he glanced up to see the Wabbit pointing at him. "You!" said Mal de Merde and drew back against his cabinets. "No one expects the Wabbit," said the Wabbit, irritably. "I saw you in a dream," said Mal de Merde. The Wabbit bared his teeth. "I am beyond your nightmares," said the Wabbit in a matter of fact voice that chilled the Comte's soul. "How did you get here?" gasped Mal de Merde. "I came by train," said the Wabbit. A silence fell. "What do you want?" asked the shaking biologist. "An apology," said the Wabbit. "What for?" said Mal de Merde, although he already knew. "You unleashed a biological weapon of mass destruction upon my species!" said the Wabbit and he hopped forward. "You ate a lot," said Mal de Merde and he shrank back. "You ate us," shouted the Wabbit. "And you killed nine out of ten. It kills us still." The Comte shivered and his skin felt clammy. He began to wring his hands and bent his head. "I'm sorry,” he said. "Make it personal,” suggested the Wabbit. "I beg the forgiveness of all the wabbits" said the Comte and he looked hopefully at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit kept pointing. "What more do you ask of me?" said the Comte. "That you forgive yourself," said the Wabbit and he smiled and raised a paw in farewell as he began to disappear. Mal de Merde watched the image of the Wabbit grow dim and he felt the room grow icy cold ... [to be continued]

3. The Wabbit takes a Quantum Leap

The Wabbit pressed Quantum’s big red button and quietly said "Engage!" Quantum, the Time Travelling Train, started to vibrate, which chattered the Wabbit’s teeth wildly. "Let’s rrrroll roll out out, Quantumumum. Nice nand neasy," he stuttered. "Look out of the window, Commander," said Quantum. There was a sudden flash. Everything outside grew very small and vanished, only to be replaced by a canopy of stars. The Wabbit looked down in wonder at complicated strands that that wove a lattice under the planet. "France, 1956," stated the Wabbit. "I’m a train, Commander, not a taxi," said Quantum. “Sorry,” said the Wabbit, although his eyes were twinkling. "These were turbulent times for that little old France there," said Quantum, in the chatty manner of a taxi driver. "Good," said the Wabbit. "The unfortunate Comte Mal de Merde will be distracted." "Will you challenge his hegemony?" asked Quantum. The Wabbit saw Quantum’s control panel smile so he consulted a dictionary of political thought that he kept in his fur. "He will hold onto power no longer," said the Wabbit, sagely. "He won’t be expecting you," said Quantum. The Wabbit gazed at all the buttons on Quantum’s control panel and clapped his paws in delight. "No-one expects the Wabbit," he grinned.

2. The Wabbit and the Quantum Train

The Wabbit hopped up to the cabin of Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "Are you sure this works?" he asked Lapinette. Lapinette looked at Quantum and looked back to the Wabbit. "Quantum works precisely," she said gravely. "I don't want this mission," said the Wabbit and he stamped a foot. "You don't get to pick and choose," said Lapinette. "They should send someone else," said the Wabbit. "Why?" asked Lapinette. "I'll lose my temper," snapped the Wabbit. "And your ears will flail," said Lapinette, automatically. "And knock things over," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled. "What kind of things?" she asked. "Valuable ornaments," said the Wabbit, grumpily. "Is it productive to go back in time to demand an apology for something that happened in 1952?" he said lengthily, drumming his paws on the side of the train. "It's part of peace and reconciliation," said Lapinette. "I will never be reconciled to the man who unleashed the Great Plague on our species," said the Wabbit and he kicked the door. "Your ears are flailing," said Lapinette. "I told you they would," said the Wabbit, "and I'm not the Wabbit for the job." "Comte Mal de Merde's temporal co-ordinates have been precisely mapped by Quantum," said Lapinette, calmly. The Wabbit scowled. "You can push the big red button," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened immediately. "Maybe it won't be so bad," he said with a grin.

1. The Wabbit and the Reluctant Mission

The Wabbit was hopping on the roof of his favourite ruin, when he heard a piercing cry. "Oooooh, frighten, haunt!" wailed an apparition from the sky. The Wabbit was startled but rapidly recovered when he saw who it was. "Oh, hello Ghost Bunny, I'm terrified!" screamed the Wabbit. "I tried to haunt your 400 warriors and was met with jokes and ribaldry," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit scowled because he doted on Ghost Bunny. "They couldn't accept your haunting beauty," he murmured. ”Well I came up here to practice," said Ghost Bunny, firmly. "Excellent swoop!" said the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny span and turned into a pyramid and turned back. "Before Rome, you are to go on a hush-hush mission," she said. "How do you know?” asked the Wabbit. "I heard it on the astral plane," said Ghost Bunny. "The astral plane!" exclaimed the Wabbit. "Did you meet the controversial cosmologist Rupert Sheldrake?" "Yes," said Ghost Bunny. "He says he doesn’t mind his leg being pulled but he objects to it being stabbed." "Bad business," said the Wabbit and he shook his head at all the routine leg stabbing in the world. "I don't want this mission," he said in a low voice. "I'll lose my temper." "What’s that like for you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "I hop up and down and my ears flail and knock thing over," said the Wabbit. "What soothes you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Salad sandwiches" said the Wabbit,. "Then think of salad sandwiches," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit thought of salad sandwiches and he felt calm. "You're adorable, Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

The March of the 400 Wabbits

The massed wabbits hopped formally forward in a zig-zag movement, and each time they hopped they made a thunderous crash that shook the girders of the building. "Where did you find them?" whispered Lapinette. "My appointment comes with a small private guard," said the Wabbit. "Where does it say that?" asked Lapinette sceptically. "It's in the small print," said the Wabbit. "They're all dressed like you!" laughed Lapinette. "Isn't it embarrassing?" said the Wabbit, although he was secretly pleased. They both turned at a mighty cry from the wabbits as they smashed to a halt. Lapinette looked lovingly at the Wabbit. "Proceed," she smiled. The Wabbit turned to face the massed ranks of wabbits and raised a paw in salute. "How many are we?" he shouted. "We are four hundred!" came the reply. "And what are our just demands?" yelled the Wabbit. "Land, Peace, Hay!" cried the wabbits in unison. "And a few carrots," muttered the Wabbit under his breath. Lapinette dug the Wabbit sharply in the ribs. "Ouch," squealed the Wabbit. "Ouch!" cried all the wabbits. Lapinette hid her head behind her ears and giggled. "Where are they going?" she asked. "They're going to march to the Brek Restaurant, where they are obliged to drink copious quantities of carrot aperitivi," said the Wabbit with glee. "Won't they frighten people?" said Lapinette. "They certainly frighten me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Chain of Command

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite abandoned shed when heard the sound of a military vehicle and a shout. "Commander, Sir!" "Oh, hello Franco," said the Wabbit with affection. "You’re looking a lot better than the last time we met." "One hundred per cent fit for duty, Sir" said Franco. "You look like a marmittone with these wheels," joked the Wabbit. Franco laughed. "We're a couple of old marmittoni, Sir," he said. "I'll tell that to Lapinette," chuckled the Wabbit. "How is the Marchesa?" asked Franco. "She's having her ears smoothed," said the Wabbit. "She is such a lady, Sir" said Franco. "I fear the non-commissioned ranks have pictures of her in their barracks." "So do I" said the Wabbit. They both chuckled for a while."Where did you get the Fiat Campagnola?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn't make a requisition." "Skratch got it from the Motor Museum for our Rome trip," said Franco. The Wabbit looked concerned. "It was surplus to requirements, Sir," said Franco. "They were going to throw it away. It's all Hummers in there now." "Disgraceful!" said the Wabbit. He thought for a minute and there was a pause and a silence. "Franco," said the Wabbit soothingly. "This is an informal chat, so stand easy and chew the carrot." "Yes Sir," said Franco. "Now try saying "Yes Wabbit,"" said the Wabbit. "Yes Sir, Wabbit Sir," said Franco. "Try again and don't say "Sir" at all," said the Wabbit. Franco's forehead creased with effort. "Yes Wabbit ..." Franco's voice dropped and he said "Sir" under his breath. "I heard you," said the Wabbit. "I know Sir," smiled Franco.

marmittone: sprog, rookie, naive recruit

The Wabbit and the Supplies Question

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite building site when he heard a voice from somewhere slightly above him. "Hey Homey, how’s the ‘hood?" "Oh hello Skratch," said the Wabbit. "I have to tell you about our temporary relocation," "Rome?" asked Skratch. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "I know all about it. Let me break it down, man," said Skratch. "I've no beef with that," said the Wabbit, smiling to himself. "I got our camp supplies organised. I did a deal," grinned Skratch. "What kind of a deal?" said the Wabbit. "There's this place," said Skratch. "It's called the Pontiffs' place and it's all red inside, very glitzy." "They’ll supply us, foreally?" asked the Wabbit. "What’s the catch?" "We have to discourage unsavoury elements," said Skratch. "Now look Skratch," said the Wabbit, "they’ll be no bunkin' wild and no bangers!" "Hey man," said Skratch. "Don’t get it twisted. You know the ledge!" "Well I ain't no newjack," said the Wabbit. There was a pause and they both shuffled their paws. "So when do we roll up?" said Skratch. "A few weeks," said the Wabbit. "Scooby Doo! Not long!" said Skratch. "I gotta shop." "What for?" asked the Wabbit. "Cats pyjamas," purred Skratch.

The Wabbit and the Fur of the Puma

"Hello Wabbit, Are you taking a constitutional hop?" said a voice. The Wabbit was hopping along his favourite mountain path and he turned round. "Hello Puma!" he said and he stretched out a tentative paw to stroke Puma's back. "I must say, your fur is particularly sleek today," said the Wabbit. "I know, I've just had it done by a lovely little man in the Via Nizza." purred Puma. "He does Puma fur?" asked the Wabbit. "He's an equal opportunities barber," said Puma. The Wabbit wanted to laugh but he composed himself. "How do you two communicate?" he asked. "He speaks Puma, listen!" Puma made a series of long and short growls and ended with a truncated screech. "What’s that?" said the Wabbit. "Does Sir require a hot towel?" said Puma. "And did you require one?" asked the Wabbit "Definitely, it's the best bit," said Puma and he wriggled his neck and stretched. When he'd finished stretching, which took some considerable time, he sat up. "What's the deal with this camp in Rome business?" he said suddenly. "I'm arranging something,” said the Wabbit. "I hope so," said Puma. "I've already booked a tour of the Coliseum." "Puma, they're used to you here," said the Wabbit. "What will they think in Rome when you prowl down the street?” "When I prowl down the street," said Puma, "I'm in charge."

The Wabbit and the Contingency Fund

The Wabbit was having fun in his favourite park when he heard a voice. "Keep off the grass, Wabbit!" The Wabbit peered around his favourite pillar. "Oh, hello Snail," he smiled. "I am duly obliged to hop on the grass, since I am a Wabbit." "I heard we're going to Rome," said Snail. "There's no "we" about it," said the Wabbit. "It's a hush-hush secret Christmas mission." "We could construct a temporary camp," said Snail. "A change is good as a rest." The Wabbit thought rest was unlikely where Snail was involved. "How would you get there?" asked the Wabbit "I would hitch hike," said Snail. "And how would you signal your request for a lift?" said the Wabbit. "I would hook a single antenna and wiggle it," said Snail. The Wabbit tried to visualise the scene and gave up quickly. He fidgeted and hopped up and down and he thought and thought. "There might be a place I know," said the Wabbit. "It's near the Vatican." "Near the Vatican," echoed Snail with delight. "What's it really like?" "Nothing special," said the Wabbit. "Just a bunch of Pontiffs on scooters." "I'd like a scooter," said Snail. "Then you shall have one," said the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a requisition order. The Wabbit scribbled for a while and whistled through his teeth. "One scooter, blue, ordered" he said finally. "Isn't the Department short of cash?" puzzled Snail. "I put everything through the contingency fund," said the Wabbit. "Isn't the contingency fund for contingencies?" asked Snail. "Everything's a contingency," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Days to Christmas

"This is the best celery," said the Wabbit. "Pricey but delicious." "How much?" asked Lapinette. "I had to use my card," said the Wabbit. "The one that goes with that particular coat?" smiled Lapinette. "I call it the Jazz Card," said the Wabbit. "Well, you're going to need it. We've been posted to Rome for Christmas." said Lapinette. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "There's never a minute's peace." Pretending to be annoyed, the Wabbit thumped his foot for a bit and thought about cartwheeling. "We have to carry out a special Christmas mission," said Lapinette. "It's nowhere near Christmas," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "There's only 40 hopping days until Christmas, Wabbit” replied Lapinette swiftly. "Then I must get my cards posted to my distant cousins in Wablantis," grunted the Wabbit with a wicked grin. Lapinette laughed and winked. "In Rome, we'll be undercover," she said. "Oh, can I be a news vendor?" asked the Wabbit. "Giornalaio Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette with glee. "I like it," said the Wabbit. "I meet people and I get free magazines." "You slip them into your fur you mean," stated Lapinette, with mock disapproval. The Wabbit smiled but nonetheless checked in a secret pocket where he kept a recent edition of Vogue. "Isn't that Skratch over there with Monty?" said Lapinette with surprise. "What are they up to?" mused the Wabbit. "Something dubious to do with camp supplies?" ventured Lapinette. The Wabbit chattered all of his 28 teeth. "I hope they get a better price than me," said the Wabbit.