9. Tipsy and the Art of the Header

The Wabbit prised Doctor StrangeGlove from his bunker and, in an empty facility near Lingotto, he set Tipsy to work. Tipsy dribbled the football the length of the building and back. She passed it to StrangeGlove but he still had no idea of what to do. Tipsy's only option was attack, so she fired the ball straight at him. StrangeGlove fell over but somehow the ball hit his head and stuck there for a while. He balanced it on the tip of his nose, then headed it back to Tipsy. "Attaboy Glovesy!" yelled Tipsy. She wheeled around and shouted to the Wabbit. "That counts as points for the Glove." The Wabbit held up a paw from the sidelines and shouted, "Play on! It's a game of two halves!" Tipsy juggled the ball on a foot, flipped it up and headed it to StrangeGlove - who copied her. Tipsy stole the ball and ran off with it. StrangeGlove followed her and stole it back, laughing until all his fingers stood in the air. They battled all day until the Wabbit held up a red card. "What did we do wrong?" asked Tipsy. "Nothing," answered the Wabbit, "I'm tired. We need refreshments." "What about an ickle alcohol rub?" laughed Tipsy. "What about a large one?" said the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and the Soccer Software

"I brought something for you," said the Wabbit. "I have everything I need," said StrangeGlove. "You haven't got one of these," said the Wabbit. He grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "What is it?" said StrangeGlove. The Wabbit shook with mirth. "You need to get out more. Have a bit of fun." He thrust the football at StrangeGlove. "If you're good with one of these, you get to command an enormous stadium full of obedient fans." StrangeGlove seized the ball. "What do I do with it?" "Kick it around," smiled the Wabbit. StrangeGlove tried to drop the ball. It  flew back. Then he threw it down - but it bounced and returned. No matter what he did with the ball, it wound up stuck to his finger. "You're a natural goalkeeper," grinned the Wabbit. The ball emitted a faint hum. "I feel a little strange," groaned StrangeGlove. "Football does that to you," murmured the Wabbit. StrangeGlove swayed. The control bunker seemed to rock and spin. "Relax," suggested the Wabbit. StrangeGlove steadied, then nodded. "Now I know all about soccer. When do I get my first game?" "Saturday," said the Wabbit, "I'll get you a trial." StrangeGlove bounced the ball and laughed. "What about world domination?" "That comes later," shrugged the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the Doomsday Snack

StrangeGlove turned towards the console to forwardise Doomsday but he felt someone staring at him. "Doomsday deserves a snack," said the Wabbit. He waved a large sandwich. Doctor StrangeGlove stiffened."Who are you? Who sent you? The subversives?" The Wabbit merely giggled. "The kitchen staff thought you might feel peckish. They sent a sandwich."  StrangeGlove felt suddenly hungry. "What kind of sandwich?" "An eating one of course," shrugged the Wabbit. StrangeGlove was furious and all his fingers waved. "This bunker room is sealed tight!" "Nothing's completely tight," said the Wabbit. "It's tight if I say it's tight," screamed StrangeGlove. The Wabbit took a bite from the sandwich and chewed for a while. His eyes lit up and he winked. "So tight it squeaks." He waved the sandwich. "Go on, go on!" "My enemies are smart," said StrangeGlove, "It might be a bomb." The Wabbit broke the sandwich in two, ate half of it and laughed. "Well the bomb must be in your bit." StrangeGlove grabbed the remains of the sandwich and guzzled it down. The Wabbit grinned and waited. "Got another one?" asked StrangeGlove. The Wabbit sighed. "Yes, but I'm not sure I can get it to you by Doomsday." StrangeGlove smacked his lips. "I'm putting Doomsday on ice."

6. The Problem of Doctor StrangeGlove

Doctor StrangeGlove prowled his control bunker like Hamlet in Elsinore's corridors, alternately laughing and growling. "Everything was in place. What meddling fools assault me so?" Computers whirred. Monitors flickered. He scanned them all and chortled. "Villains! Deviated preverts!" He paced some more and shook his head and brayed: "I stand for leadership and tradition and who does not stand with me .. will be made to lie down." A phone rang insistently. StrangeGlove ignored it. "Wrong number," he muttered. He knew his system had detected software intruders, but all the attacks bore his own signature. His minions had tried to trace them, but every attempt looped back his to own office with a read me attachment that said "Is the Doctor in?" His gloved fingers flapped in a cocked hat curve. He stooped to examine a monitor bearing a strange message. Bold red capitals glared from the screen. "The end is nigh." Doctor StrangeGlove started back and yelled. "I know that already, you fools. Nigh is my stock and trade." StrangeGlove contemplated the likely shape of the intruders. "Thuggish creatures no doubt. Large of body and small of mind." He sat at a terminal and keyed in lengthy instructions. "Doomsday cannot wait." breathed StrangeGlove. "I'm forced to forwardise it."

5. The Wabbit and the Soccer Scenario

The Wabbit and the Alien Pilot idly chatted as they waited for delivery. The roar of the Dora and the steady flow of traffic made the big iron bridge vibrate - then above the noise came singing. The bridge thudded as Tipsy dribbled a ball along the footpath. She flicked it in the air, headed it down and trapped it with her feet. She grinned. "The enemy software is installed in here." She stood on the ball hard with her instep. It shot to the side and landed spinning on the parapet. The Wabbit flinched. The ball lurched, wobbled then dropped from the rail and ran to Tipsy's feet. Tipsy kicked an enormous volley straight at the Wabbit. The Wabbit stunned the ball and handed it to the Alien Pilot. "I'm afraid she's football crazy." Tipsy winked at the Pilot. "It's half time, where's my dwink?" Alien Pilot pulled out a hip flask and winked back with some of his eyes. Tipsy drained the flask in an instant. "So what about our Doctor Strangeglove?" asked the Wabbit. The Alien pilot bounced the ball, caught it and span it on a finger. "The fake incidents are his trademark across at least three galaxies." Where is he?" asked the Wabbit. The Alien Pilot snorted. "No-one knows where his bunker is." Tipsy grunted. "We'll find him. And when we do, he'll have more holes than a goal net." "Sounds like a plan," shrugged the Wabbit. "The software will contain a clue," said Alien Pilot. He dropped the ball and dribbled it in the direction of the market ...
[Tipsy is singing Football Crazy  a much adapted Scottish song written by James Curran in the 19th Century. The many later versions show the folk song in process. Tipsy's tartan hip flask is by Proudly Scottish]

4. The Wabbit and the Alien Reset

Quantum nudged the space beacon onto the church tower. The Wabbit and Lapinette clambered up and attached a diagnostic cable. Terni the Dragon hovered nearby for possible evacuation. At first there was nothing, but the beacon suddenly flashed into life. The Wabbit trained his special ears on the beacon. "I can't decode the signal." "Let me try," said Lapinette. Her ears swayed. "It's issuing fake commands to all our portals." The Wabbit scowled. He plucked from his fur a control box - and growling softy he attached wires to the tower's lightening conductor. "Time for tough measures." He fiddled with switches and knobs then threw a lever. The beacon flashed three times. "It's reset," said the Wabbit. "What about the alien signal?" asked Lapinette. "I cloned it," said the Wabbit. He grinned and gestured to his fur. "I'm sending the beacon back to its original coordinates," shrugged Lapinette. She made a signal to Terni, who lost no time in nudging the beacon into Quantum's cargo coach.  A brief flash left the Wabbit and Lapinette alone on the tower. "How do we get down?" frowned Lapinette. "The way we came of course," scoffed the Wabbit. Lapinette smothered a smile. Then she looked down and pointed. "Oh do look! Someone closed the window we used to climb out." The Wabbit groaned so long and so hard, that everything shook. "So it's good thing I broke the lock," laughed Lapinette.

3. Quantum, Terni and the Beacon Alert

Quantum the Time Travelling Train and Terni the Food Dragon responded to the space beacon. Quantum was returning from the Sombrero Galaxy - and Terni shouldn't have been in space at all. But Terni liked to dance on the ripples of a space eddy not far from earth. In fact, he was just heading home when Quantum snaked through a singularity. They both heard the beacon pulse a warning message. "Ave, Quantum," murmured Terni in Latin. "Ave, Terni," said Quantum. Strictly speaking, they had no way of communicating - but Latin seemed to work. The beacon's signal was priority encoded and they heard the voice of the Wabbit repeating a message. "Threat Level 3. Please respond. Threat Level 3. Please respond." "Responding," said Quantum. "Responding," roared Terni. But the beacon failed to answer. The message kept repeating. Quantum circled and nosed round beside the beacon. Engines shuddered as he stopped. "Habemus tribulationis." "Trouble is our business," drawled Terni. Quantum circled again and he seemed to be thinking. He butted the beacon gently. Its signals stuttered and stopped. "Terni," said Quantum, "can you nudge this into my cargo coach?" With a fluttering of cabbage wings and a puff of dragon breath, Terni obliged. "Now hang on," said Quantum. There was a whine, then the briefest flash of light - and train, dragon and beacon were gone ...