5. the Wabbit makes a Call

Refuelled and ready, Fuoristrada and the Wabbit headed across the Piazza della Rovere, over the bridge and down the side of the Tiber with the two balloons in pursuit. "Oh Sacred Stream who's waters roll. Immortal through the classic page," intoned Fuoristrada. "Less poetry more speed," hissed the Wabbit and he pushed the throttle hard to the floor. "I can hear a strange engine," said Fuoristrada. "An Agusta Bell heli-chopper!" yelled the Wabbit. He slammed on the brakes and lifted the ancient radio as Fuoristrada slithered to a halt. "Breaker, breaker. We've got Double Bubbles!" shouted the Wabbit. The radio crackled. "No-one says breaker any more, Four Wheeler," sighed Lapinette. "Oh how dreary," said the Wabbit, "have you any suggestions, Astronaut?" "Turn back and head for Fregene," said Lapinette, "and do put the hammer down. The bubbles will have me for a bumper sticker." "Out!" said the Wabbit and he slammed his foot to the floor.  "Ouch," said Fuoristrada as he catapulted towards the next bridge. "Where the binky is Fregene?" asked the Wabbit. "The seaside," said Fuoristrada. "I forgot my bucket and shovel," said the Wabbit. "We have a shovel," said Fuoristrada. "And a bucket?" asked the Wabbit. "Of course," said Fuoristrada. "Have you anything more we need for the beach?" said the Wabbit as he swerved into the oncoming traffic on the Umberto I bridge. "C4 grenades," said  Fuoristrada.

4. The Wabbit gives the Orders

The Wabbit and Fuoristrada raced round the Gianicolo Hill and down towards to San Pietro Station with the balloons bouncing behind them at an ever increasing rate. Nothing seemed to stop them. They bounced over anything in their path and as they bounced they howled and droned. Occasionally without warning they span round and round, setting up a gale that tore at trees and rattled windows. But the Wabbit had gained some ground and Fuoristrada bumped down the steps of an underpass, then emerged at the other side and tore through an underground car park. "Double back!" shouted the Wabbit and he rummaged for something in the back of the vehicle. Fuoristrada darted down Via del Crocifisso and into Piazzale Gregorio VII. Suddenly they were staring at the balloons coming towards them down the stairs of the station and the Wabbit jumped out with the gun he had made in the shed at the back of the Department. "Stand and deliver!" he yelled at the balloons and he fired at the roof and plaster scattered all around them. The balloons shuddered to a halt and even though they had no eyes, they seemed to look at each other with horror. "Fuoristrada!" said the Wabbit authoritatively, "I'll have a carrot aperitivo spritz." How would you like it?" asked Fuoristrada. "Gently stirred," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Chase

Fuoristrada raced through the park with the balloon in hot pursuit. "More incoming at 2 o'clock," shouted the Wabbit and he gunned the throttle. "There's can't be more than one!" said  Fuoristrada, "I don't believe it!"  "What happened to the sharp twigs?" yelled the Wabbit. "Park keepers," moaned Fuoristrada, "they've been sweeping." The Wabbit wrenched the steering wheel and muttered "Jobsworths" through gritted teeth. "Head for Gianicolo Hill," shouted the Wabbit and I'll call this in." "Is that wise?" asked Fuoristrada. "Bite the bullet, we're going through the city and we'll lose them," said the Wabbit and he looked out the window and swerved right. "Mo' te gonfio!" he shouted at the nearest balloon as he passed. The balloon bounced high in the air but it fell back a little. "They didn't like that," shouted the Wabbit. There was an awful moaning sound and the balloon span round and round. "Do it again," suggested Fuoristrada. The Wabbit looked out again and yelled "Toglietevi dai coglioni!" "That's very rude!" said Fuoristrada" There was a howl of protest from the other balloon and it whirled like a top. "I can get ruder" said the Wabbit. "Non mi rompete le palle!" he shouted. The two balloons bounced together and shot high in the air screaming with anger. "That's done it"" said Fuoristrada.

2. The Wabbit and the Roving Balloon

The Wabbit had taken Fuoristrada out for a spin and was cruising down the Via Piccolomini, when he felt something close behind him. "Road hog!" muttered the Wabbit as he put his foot down. "That looks like Rover," said the Fuoristrada, "I'm off." "That's not a Rover," said the Wabbit as Fuoristrada swerved round a corner. "They're boxy and appeal to those of mature years." "You don't watch enough old television," said Fuoristrada and he picked up speed. "It's after us!" A giant white balloon swam into view in the Wabbit's mirror and he heard it make a muffled roaring sound as it got closer and closer. "Perhaps someone's making a film!" shouted the Wabbit as they lurched into the Via Leone XIII. "Perhaps someone's trying to kill us," said Fuoristrada. They dodged between a lorry, two coaches and a refreshment kiosk before careering into the Via Aurelia Antica on two wheels. "We'll lose him in the Villa Pamphilj Park," said Fuoristrada and he shot across the road, through a small gate and into the trees. But the white balloon was still hot on their heels. "Got any ideas?" yelled the Wabbit with chattering teeth. "I'm looking for a path with sharp twigs," said Fuoristrada.

1, The Wabbit receives an Emolument

The Wabbit received an urgent message to proceed to the Department of Wabbit Affairs with haste, where he would find something to his advantage. So he hopped there very quickly wondering what this could be. As he rounded the corner, he could hardly believe his eyes when he spotted another Fuoristrada and it had a cover! "Oh I do like the Fiat Campagnola but surely it can't be for me," thought the Wabbit. He looked under the red bow and a note assured him that the Campagnola was for his exclusive use in recognition of his service over the past year. Under the note was another note and that one said he had to buy his own gasoline and pay for his own servicing - but he would receive an allowance for distance travelled on departmental business. Under that note was yet another note and this one said, in no uncertain terms, that if he damaged the vehicle in any way he would have to make recompense, unless damage occurred in a high speed pursuit in the service of Wabbit Affairs. Even then it would have to be authenticated by a high ranking member of the Department. The Wabbit was beginning to feel a great weight on his shoulders when he noticed who had signed the order and he read out loud. "Signed for the Department of Wabbit Affairs, Marchesa L. Lapinette." The Wabbit gave a whoop of glee and jumped up and down on the fender, shouting "Serviceable, serviceable!" But then he looked all around suspiciously. "I'm sure I heard a voice," he thought. "That's a new paint job," said the Fuoristrada.

The Wabbits in the City

The early evening sun painted the buildings golden and the Wabbits went out on the roof. "We usually sing on the roof," said the Wabbit. "Well what's the song this time?" asked Lapinette, "it's your turn to choose." The Wabbit thought and thought. "I don't know any more rooftop songs," he said finally, "but I do know one with a rooftop in it." Lapinette hopped up and down. "Take it away, Wabbit" she cried. The Wabbit turned to Lapinette and started to croon. "Cool town, evening in the city. I'm dressed so fine and looking so pretty!" "You are, your are," sighed Lapinette. "Cool cat lookin' for a kitty, Gonna look in every corner of the city!" sang the Wabbit, "till I'm wheezing like a bus stop!" Lapinette laughed and laughed as the Wabbit pretended to puff and pant. "Running up the stairs gonna meet ya on the roof top," rhymed the Wabbit. "You did you did!" yelled Lapinette. "Despite the heat it will be alright, and babe, don't you know it's a pity," crooned the Wabbit. "What's the pity?" chanted Lapinette. "That the days can't be like the night, in the summer in the city, in the summer in the city," sang the Wabbit. "Oh Wabbit, it's such a pity it’s not the summer," said Lapinette. "We're still hot," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit & the Saints Adventure Caffe

The Wabbit waited as his friends assembled at the table because he was going to make a short speech. "Don't go on and on," whispered Lapinette. "Who me?" said the Wabbit and he cleared his throat. "I was just going to thank everyone for their support." "Where are the others?" asked Skratch. "Collecting the food ordered from my electronic menu," said Robot. "Well, I'm making a preliminary toast, while we wait," said Skratch. "Do proceed," said the Wabbit and he lifted a glass. "To Saint Barbara," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "The Patron Saint of explosions," said Cardinal Lapin. "Oooooh," said the Wabbit. "And the Italian navy," added Skratch. "Then that's the perfect Saint for me," said the Wabbit. "It should be St Denis," said Lapinette. "Why he?" asked the Wabbit. "Patron Saint of headaches," laughed Lapinette. "Saint Elizabeth of Hungary is for Lapinette," said Skratch, "since she is so very lovely." "I really can't help it," said Lapinette. "Is there a Patron Saint for me?" asked Snail. "St Anthony is the Saint who deals with hunger," said Lapinette with a grin. "Surely there must be one for me too?" asked Skratch. "St Dismas," said Cardinal Lapin, "he's the Saint of reformed thieves." The Wabbit was beginning to hum a tune. "How I want be in that number," he murmured. Everyone turned to stare. "When the Saints go marching in!" sang the Wabbit. 

13. The Wabbit and Osteria dei Pontefici

"Bless you my children, what's for dinner?" said Cardinal Lapin. "Anything on the menu, courtesy of the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said Lapinette. "Then I'll have consommé to start with," said the Cardinal, "and a bottle of the finest Prosecco." "Cardboard carpaccio," said Snail. "Make mine fish," said Skratch. "Scarrots!" yelled Ghost Bunny." Bruschetta," said Robot. "I'm partial to thistles," said Franco.  "They're setting our table now," said the Wabbit, "and there are Christmas Crackers still, with small useless objects inside." "And bad jokes," said Snail. "I refuse to wear the paper hat," said Puma, "they're too tight and make my head hot." Lapinette looked round at everyone. "Has anyone else got any complaints about the crackers?" she said with a tone of exasperation in her voice. "Yes," said Skratch, "they often fail to crack and cause disappointment." "Well we've had quite enough explosions for one day," said Lapinette. "I hear the plan went well," said Cardinal Lapin. "The Wabbit varied your plan," said Lapinette, "and he nearly exploded half of Rome." "I call it added value," smiled the Wabbit. "Are the wicked Agents of Rabit extinguished, Wabbit?" asked Cardinal Lapin. "Heads rolled," said the Wabbit. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways, my son," said Cardinal Lapin, "his head rolling to perform."

12. The Wabbit and the Extra Ingredient

Just as the two hopped stealthily away, there was a multicoloured flash of light and the Wabbit made Lapinette duck as an incredible blast sent the Agents of Rabit spiralling high above the building. "There's something in the air," sang the Wabbit tunefully and he smiled and dusted his paws. Lapinette stared at the Wabbit. "That wasn't in Cardinal Lapin's plan," she gasped. "A little extra ingredient of my own, just to make sure," said the Wabbit. "Good grief Wabbit, you nearly took out the whole block," said Lapinette. "Skratch got me a small something from the Navy Surplus store," said the Wabbit. "Go on, tell me," sighed Lapinette. "A quantity of M789 Dual Purpose Incendiary," said the Wabbit, "why do you think we needed the battery?" "You could have told me," said Lapinette. "It wouldn't have been a surprise," said the Wabbit. Lapinette groaned. "How can you keep a detonator in your fur?" she asked. "I don't routinely go to the furdresser," said the Wabbit. "You're spooky," said Lapinette. "I'm a secret agent," said the Wabbit. Lapinette couldn't help laughing. "The Agents of Rabit won't be giggling now," she murmured. "Well, I don't know about that," grinned the Wabbit, "because now they're in bits."

11. The Wabbit lights the Fuse

The Wabbit's ears flapped slightly and the lighter flame made them into eerie shadows on the wall.  Lapinette pulled the rope taut and waited patiently. "Don't keep flicking the lighter, Wabbit," said Lapinette. "You'll use the gas up."  "I told you I should have brought a refillable one," said the Wabbit, "there's less waste and more fun." "What happened to your Zippo?" asked Lapinette. "The hinge broke," said the Wabbit. "You should have had it replaced," said Lapinette. "I returned it and they sent back the wrong one," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "Mine had Sean Connery engraved on the front and they sent me Pierce Brosnan." "Poor you," said Lapinette, "anyway, you shouldn't have played it with it so much." "Shh here they come!" said the Wabbit and he flicked the his lighter into life. They both waited for a while but nothing happened. "Do you think the Agents of Rabit understood the fake plan," said Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "I heard them giggling and giggling." "Do you think they have hysteria?" asked Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "and any little thing will render them apopleptic." Just then they heard a strange cackling and the Wabbit put his paw up for silence and prepared to light his Roman Candle. "Perhaps we overdid it with the inflammables," whispered  Lapinette. "Never give a sucker an even break," said the Wabbit. With uncanny accuracy he ignited the fuse in a long spurt of lighter flame. As the Roman Candle began to splutter he grinned at Lapinette. "Happy New Year!" he whispered.

10. The Wabbit lures his Enemies

The Wabbit couldn't help glancing up as Ghost Bunny deliberately dropped his fake plans for the Agents of Rabit. He did not look behind him, but in his fur he could feel them rejoicing and he could hear evil cackling as they tore across the field to grab his notebook. The Wabbit had thought for a long time about what to write to lure his enemies into a trap. After several attempts he wrote. "Higglemus, pigglemas, seven days after Sqigglemus." The Wabbit wondered if that was difficult enough but he pondered for a while and continued. "We will find ourselves in the pink on the high hill - and there behind the shuttered door, all secrets will be revealed." He then sketched a map with careful directions and made some random doodling in the shape of farmyard animals, which he then filled in with colourful crayons. But the Wabbit thought it needed something to make it complete and he had another think. Then he started to smile and he wrote. "O si vile, si ergo, Fortibus es inero! O nobile, demis trux, Vadis indem? Causem dux." "What in Pluto does that mean, Wabbit," asked Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit started chuckling and couldn't stop. "Wabbit!" shouted Ghost Bunny. "OK OK," said the Wabbit, "you just have to say it properly. It's "Oh see, Billy, see her go! Forty buses in a row! Oh, no, Billy, them is trucks. What is in them? Cows and ducks."" Ghost Bunny looked at the Wabbit and shook her head just like Lapinette. "I've been saving that one for the right moment," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit, the Statues and the Flammable Canisters

"Psst, Trixie!" whispered the Wabbit, who had finally remembered everyone's code names. "Where are you, Wabbit?" said Lapinette. "Behind the statue," said the Wabbit, "I was just talking to this fine fellow about Plato." Lapinette looked round to see the Wabbit bathed in orange floodlighting. "What does he say about Plato then?" said Lapinette. "He says Plato was before his time," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed and wondered if the Wabbit would ever stop talking to strange statues. "I've got the sprays!" she said and she waved two cans of fur lacquer."Are they highly flammable?" said the Wabbit. "The propellants are dangerously so," said Lapinette. The Wabbit rubbed his paws together as if he was warming them at a log fire. "I love vinyl chloride!" he chortled. "They took that out of fur spray," said Lapinette, "because it was toxic and carcinogenic. "Oh fiddlesticks," said the Wabbit with disappointment. "But I found two old canisters under the sink," said Lapinette with triumph.  "Excellent!" cried the Wabbit. "Did you get the screws, hinges and ironmongery bits?" asked Lapinette. "They're here in my fur," said the Wabbit. "I thought you were clanking a bit," said Lapinette. "Are you setting a trap?" asked the statue suddenly. "It's very hush-hush!" said the Wabbit. "I won't breathe a word," said the statue, "but would you mind setting a trap for that statue there?"  "Why?" said Lapinette and the Wabbit in unison. "He stole my parchment," said the statue.

8. The Wabbit Undercover

The Wabbit could be heard a long way off. "Hot sauce, everything hot, get it while it's hot," he shouted. He was working undercover at the Calabrian stall in the market whilst his team gathered the materials he needed to expedite Cardinal Lapin's plan. The Wabbit tried hard to remember everyone's code names with varying success. "Have you got the battery, Klaw?" he said to Skratch. "I found this one," said Skratch. "Are you sure it's big enough?" said the Wabbit. "It was the biggest and it cost me plenty," said Skratch. "I have the string," said Snail, "and my code name today is Slither." "OK Slither, well done!" said the Wabbit, "but where's Lapinette?" "Ahem, it's Trixie Beaujolais and she's obtaining the spray canisters from the furdressers," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we will soon be ready." "What shall we do in the meantime?" said Skratch. "Eat," said Snail. "May I offer you a jar of hot Calabrian peppers?" asked the Wabbit, who was desperate to sell something. "Not for me," said Snail, "they will upset my tummy. But I will eat the cardboard tray upon which they sit." "I have some here for you, Slither," said the Wabbit and Snail set about the cardboard with gusto. "Mmm," he said, "it's rather spicy, too." "Everything from Calabria is hot," said the Wabbit. "Even the flowerpots?" asked Skratch. "Especially the flowerpots," replied the Wabbit. "May I buy a good luck charm?" asked Skratch. "Certainly, Klaw," said the Wabbit. "I'll have a corno portafortuna," said Skratch. "Potent," said the Wabbit, "I had better buy it for you." "Thanks, but why?" said Skratch. "It will double your  luck," said the Wabbit.

corno portafortuna: good luck charm to chase away the evil spirits, typical of Calabria and Naples

7. The Wabbit and Cardinal Lapin

The Wabbit was continuing to track down the Agents of Rabit when he saw a Cardinal approaching the tram stop. "Wabbit, my son," said the Cardinal, "Christmas blessings upon you!" The Wabbit tried hard to remember how to address a Cardinal and thought through a whole list before deciding. The Cardinal waited patiently with a smile because he had been through this before. "Hello Your Eminence," said the Wabbit finally. "Are you Cardinal Lapin by any chance?" "I am," said the Cardinal, "and we need stand on no ceremony when we are both fighting the forces of evil." "I am waiting on the Agents of Rabit to make their next move," said the Wabbit. "Then we must trick them," said Cardinal Lapin. "Do you have any good tricks?" said the Wabbit. "I have played a few," said the Cardinal, "mostly at doctrinal committees." "And they all work?" said the Wabbit. "No-one suspects Cardinal Lapin," smiled the Cardinal and he paused for a moment. "Do you prefer sprays, explosions or electric shocks?" he asked. "All three," said the Wabbit without hesitation. "Then we shall need some canisters, elastic bands, hinges, hooks, screws, batteries and patience," said the Cardinal. "I'll put my team on it immediately," said the Wabbit. "What is Rabit's weak point?" said the Cardinal. "They're smug," said the Wabbit. "Then they think they're wonderful," said the Cardinal, "so our task will be easier. We'll persuade them they are oh so clever." "But how?" asked the Wabbit. "We will make a secret plan for them to steal," said the Cardinal. "Then what?" asked the Wabbit. "Kaboom!" said the Cardinal.

6. The Wabbit poses for a Photograph

The Wabbit hopped quickly around Rome on Christmas Day and he took a circuitous route to see if he could find the Agents of Rabit. But he saw no-one and speculated that even his enemies might have a day off sometimes. So he crossed the River Tiber and was taking a short cut through St Peter's Square when he heard a friendly voice. "Commander, Sir. Do come and have your photograph taken," said a Swiss Guard dressed in a most colourful uniform. "I don't mind if I do," said the Wabbit and he hopped between two soldiers and posed. "Have you seen any Agents of Rabit?" he asked. "What do they look like?" asked a Guard. "Oh you'd know them if you saw them," replied the Wabbit, "they're very dark and have long pointy ears and horrible gnashing teeth." "We do see some funny things," said a Guard. "We'll keep a look out," said the other. "And if we see them what shall we do?" asked the first Guard. "On no account approach them," said the Wabbit, "they are armed and dangerous." "So are we," said the second Guard and they all laughed heartily. "Well, have a good Christmas," said the Wabbit. "You too!" said the Guards in unison, "but where shall we send your pictures?" "Don't worry, I'll be back," said the Wabbit. "Can we be of any further assistance, Commander?" asked a Guard. "Do you still use Heckler and Koch MP5s?" asked the Wabbit. "Hardly ever at Christmas." said the Guard. "My I order one of your coats of many colours?" said the Wabbit. "You need to speak to the boss," said the Guard firmly.