9. The Wabbit and Tonk's Vulnerability

But the Wabbit wasn't coming. Before he knew what was happening, Tonk took on enormous planet-like proportions. He spoke from behind the mountains. "This is my planet and I do what I like."  He grinned a malicious grin. "Ha ha ha," he laughed, "I shall have your map and all copies." The Wabbit floated prone just above the surface of the planet's ocean. He looked up to his left and saw Lapinette and Quantum drop into orbit. "Your friends cannot help you. I am master of all I survey." The Wabbit thought Tonk was too big for his boots and muttered the very same. He twisted and turned, He could break out of this position, he'd done it before. He could see Lapinette and Quantum as they coasted closer. "The drunken rabbit manoeuvre, Quantum," said Lapinette. "I'm a time travelling train, but I'll do my best!" protested Quantum. He went into a steep dive then pulled up under Tonk. Then he dived again. "What the devil," screamed Tonk. "Up, spiral and ram," said Lapinette. Her calm voice suggested she knew what she was doing. The Wabbit knew she'd detected a time rift and he smiled. Quantum bore down and, with all the power of a locomotive, slammed Tonk amidships. Tonk flew apart like a jigsaw and fell through the mountains. Lapinette manoeuvred to the surface. Using technology they'd recently acquired from a space brigand, she beamed the Wabbit aboard. "It works then," boomed Quantum over the loudspeakers. "Maybe he's not the original Wabbit," observed Skratch. The Wabbit was dazed. "Must be my turn to buy drinks," he mumbled. "It's him all right," grinned Wabsworth. 

8. Lapinette on an Adjacent Planet

Quantum and the rest of the crew parked at an adjacent planet. Lapinette and the rest got off and hopped around. The rain was a fine mist that quickly dried on their fur. Skratch strode forward like Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. "Are we just supposed to wait?" Lapinette wheeled round. "Aye Captain." She listened to the walkie talkie but heard only static. Wabsworth complained about the rain. "I don't like this precipitation. It leaves a residue." Lapinette mused on that. "What about the lakes?" Wabsworth tested the liquid. "A tolerable mixture of water and methane." "Tolerable to whom?" "To me," smiled Wabsworth. Quantum grumbled from the rear. "I find being treated as a car most demeaning." Lapinette snorted. "Lump it!" Quantum continued under his breath. "A brain the size of the universe and they treat me like a vehicle." Lapinette was the rabbit in charge, "Stop moaning and compute me the size of this planet and its distance from the Wabbit." Wabsworth groaned because he always disagreed with Quantum. He offered up a number. "5,150 km circumference and hardly any distance from the Wabbit." So close!" Lapinette was stunned. "I can see him coming," added Wabsworth. Lapinette drew herself up to her full height. "Any other vital information?" Both Quantum and Wabsworth snickered. "He's bringing Uber Teller Tonk." "And a crate of Intergalactic Prosecco," laughed Quantum.

7. The Wabbit and the Planet of Tonk

The Wabbit materialised on the planet below. Quantum departed to locate a parking place. He grumbled but off he went. They'd picked up a creature on sensors and it might be Uber Teller Tonk. The Wabbit was delegated to find out. He sauntered on the rough surface of the planet and whistled a merry tune. Tonk was oblivious. He stared at his reflection in the skies. "I am master of all I survey!" he exclaimed. Behind him lay his watery planet. And so did the Wabbit. "Hello there Jimmy," he murmured. Tonk did not turn, but his tinfoil ears moved a bit, "Who dares disturb me here, on my very own exoplanety planet." His arms embraced the scene as if to indicate the scope of his ownership. "Just a wee bit Wabbit from Earth," said the Wabbit. "What do you want?" groaned Tonk. "I'm on vacation," replied the Wabbit. He rummaged in his fur for the reverse map. "You're in the Rough Guide for the Best Planet. It says here for a Wee Visit, speak to Tonk." Tonk continued to stare into space. "I never agreed to any such thing." The Wabbit rocked back on his heels. "Uberclerk Zzorp has papers. Invoices and receipts." Tonk paused. "I should never have got involved with his stupid bed and breakfast scheme." The Wabbit relaxed into holiday mode. "Where are the padlocks with the codes? I'm ready to settle in." Tonk breathed along sigh. "Over there on my watery planet. Every cave has a special number. Please get it right." The Wabbit grinned. "Otherwise?" Tonk grimaced. "It explodes with you inside."

6. The Wabbit and the Mirror Stage

Back in Quantum the Time Travelling Train, the Wabbit's team sped to the chrome planet. Quantum was grumbling. Covered in frost, he felt colder than space. The planet - or rather planets - came in sight. It was like looking in a crazy mirror. "That must be Tonk's place," murmured the Wabbit. "You have a knack for stating the painfully obvious," grumbled Quantum. "We're reflections," gasped Lapinette. "It must be the mirror stage of space," meaowed Skratch. "We're much dependent on external objects," grinned the Wabbit. Wabsworth the android chipped in, "We're being chased by them." A spacecraft and its reflection converged on the planet. "Uberclerk Zzorp!" growled the Wabbit. "Maybe you shouldn't have taken his money," said Lapinette. "And you never gave him any maps," grinned Wabsworth." "Maybe he's mad at you," hissed Skratch. "At us!" shrugged the Wabbit. The team braced for trouble. They heard a noise from the engine room. Skratch's ears stood on end. "A stowaway. In my engine room." "In MY engine room," snapped Quantum. The cabin door opened and through it came a Reclamoid bearing a coffee pot. "Coffee anyone?" it squeaked, "I made it strong." Wabsworth looked with disdain. "Where are the cups?" The Reclamoid hung his head. "I forgot them." The Wabbit shook his head. "Don't worry, I always have coffee cups." He plucked six cups from his fur. Quantum began to vibrate as he disengaged lattice drive. "I'll pass. I'm already shaking enough." The Wabbit saw his face reflected in the shiny surface of the planet. "Find somewhere for us to park." Quantum growled. "I'm a train not a parking attendant." They heard Tonk's giggle from the surface. "Chrome plated pillock!" groaned Wabsworth.

5. The Wabbit and the Reclamoids

The robots looked twee but were far from that. The Chief Robot ticked off every item and barked in a stern voice. "I am Uberclerk Zzorp. Please clear your belongings in the shed provided." His underlings scuttled around, carrying their discarded objects to an unknown destination. "These are the Reclamoids. Do not impede them." Wabsworth looked at Zzorp with utter disdain. "Do you call yourself a robot, Sir?" Your demeanour is objectionable." He thumped a foot and turned to look at the Wabbit. The Wabbit shrugged in exasperation. Zzorp continued. "These objects have been discarded and are circulating without authorisation in controlled airspace. They are escaping our synergised memory audits. This is impermissible." The Wabbit shook a fist. It was all he could think of. "It's just old junk." Uberclerk Zzorp shook his head in a bumbling bureaucratic fashion. "Immaterial. Sentimental salvage tax applies. A thousand QUIDs each item." He stomped and cavorted. Lapinette batted her eyelashes. "Tell him." "About the reverse map?" snorted the Wabbit. Zzorp changed his tune. "You have a reverse map?" Reclamoids stopped scurrying. "Oh. You're interested, Zzorp?" Wabsworth's commanding tone was a sneer. Skratch had been a bystander but now he effected interest. "We could make a deal," he hissed, "But the maps are scarce as feathers on a fish." Zzorp grunted. "We'll only pay 15 QUID per item." Lapinette pirouetted. "Then we'll make an arrangement with the next reclamation plant on the next chunk of rock." Zzorp responded without thinking. "You know Uber Teller Tonk?" "Tonk has already offered TerraQUIDS," pouted Lapinette.

4. The Wabbit and the Nostalgia Zone

The three crowded into Quantum's cab as he whooshed through whatever substance it was. It looked like entrails of a sort but then lattice drive was a curious phenomenon. No-one really knew how it worked but work it did. Stringy things flashed by like worms on acid. Soon they found themselves in a strange and blurry world that cleared to reveal a curious structure. The reverse map had done its job, and they hadn't even used the magic pin. Random objects coasted by. Some things they recognised as things they had chucked out. The spark plug, the Wabbit has thrown over a fence because it hadn't worked once too often. The coffee pot was a cast off object which Lapinette had given up as a bad purchase. It stuck for the last time and filled the kitchen with burnt fug. Skratch recognised old toys which he's rooted out of a toy box and given to charity because he was tired of them. But the structure itself was worthy of consideration. It bulged and wallowed. Looking at it was somewhat difficult since it induced a mild nausea. "I have no idea where we are," said Skratch. "I feel sick," moaned Lapinette. "Don't look at the structure," said the Wabbit. Quantum boomed through his loudspeakers. "This is nostalgia world. It induces a sickly clam." The Wabbit laughed. "Don't you mean calm?" "No," replied Quantum. They heard a voice from the direction of the engine room. "Will someone let me out?" It was Wabsworth. "I'm stuck here with a soldering iron and more circuit boards than I care to remember." The Wabbit grinned. "If it smells like chicken, you're holding it wrong."

3. The Wabbit and Quantum's Big Take Off

With the map safely tucked away and stopping to collect Lapinette on the way, the Wabbit arranged for Quantum to make an appearance at the Coliseum. Tourists thought this was one of the mayor's shows. The three jumped aboard and the Wabbit gave the signal for take-off. Quantum was up for it and put on a show. He shimmered and rippled and twisted until the audience applauded with wild abandon. Skratch turned and pinned up the reverse map on a control panel. "Look at the sky," shrieked Lapinette, "The map is working already." "Wait until I get the magic pin out," meaowed Skratch. Quantum was a Time Travelling Train and proud of his prowess. "I can't wait until it shows us our destination," he boomed. "In the meantime where would you like to go?" The Wabbit was enjoying himself. "Take us on a tour of the city, Quantum." The big train wheeled round and at impulse speed, toured across Rome. He buzzed the Forum, shot across the Vatican, and skimmed the Pyramid of Cestius. The Pantheon swirled and blinked at him with its single eye. Skratch fumbled for the magic pin and with a growl from his engines, Quantum rolled back in time. Dinosaurs roamed; the Punic Wars passed in a second. Lapinette watched gladiators march. They caught a glimpse of Caesar as he met his doom. Skratch brought the magic pin level with the map. Quantum's lattice drive fired. Everything span. "Commander, I'm not in control," said Quantum. "It's the map!" hissed Skratch. "A bit more exciting than Google," shrugged the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Myriad Objects

The Chinese shop was, as usual, full of stuff. The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat ferreted around like ferrets. The Wabbit spotted something interesting. "That's a Mouse Mat, Wabbit," purred Skratch. "It's a reverse map mouse mat! It will do," replied the Wabbit. "Try and say that quickly," said Skratch. In his paw he clutched a box of bolts. He reached up for a large pin. It tingled when he touched it. "This might be magic," he said. "Ippety pippety pow," said the Pin. Skratch nodded. "This is the one." The Wabbit grinned and took the mouse map. "Let's pay for our purchases and be on our way." "Who's paying?" asked Skratch. "The Dinosaur Fund," said the Wabbit. "That still buoyant?" asked Skratch. "Euro hedged global short-term bonds," said the Wabbit. "Very fancy," growled Skratch. "Until last week," said the Wabbit. "Half our funds shifted briefly to real estate. Then back. Shaky foundations." Skratch shook his head. He believed all that was dangerously risky. "I'll stick with Mouse Investments." The Wabbit swept several more items into a basket. "What does the Magic Pin say." Silence fell. You could have heard a pin drop. "I wanted to be a banker," said the Pin, "But I kept losing interest." The Wabbit scowled. "I make the jokes around here." They all turned to go, but the Wabbit wanted one more thing. He grabbed a tube of glue. When Skratch looked at him he shrugged. "For when things all fall apart."

1. The Wabbit and the Chinese Shop

"Hey there, Commander!" Skratch the Cat could see the Wabbit heading across Via Leone VIII. He was displaying a determined walk, with his face set forward. He could be going to any number of interesting places thought Skratch. The Wabbit reached the other side of the road and Skratch pounced to his side. "Hello Skratch," said the Wabbit, "I'm heading to the Chinese shop for an unobtainable item. Then I fancy a prosecco. Join me?" Skratch never said no to such an offer. He meaowed. "What type of object do you fancy?" The Wabbit hopped speedily on. "I've no idea," he said. "They have everything." Skratch nodded. He knew the Wabbit collected odd bits and pieces and concealed them in his fur. "Are we between missions?" he asked. "We certainly are," replied the Wabbit, "I was wondering if we could fill in the time by making something impossible." Skratch thought for a second. This could go a number of ways, all of them fraught with dangerous outcomes. "Were you thinking of a bolt-on accessory for the control board of Quantum the Train?" The Wabbit's mouth dropped open. "I was, as it happened." Skratch's tail quivered with delight. "Something that could take us to uncharted territories where's there no need of a map?" The Wabbit smiled. "I was thinking of a bolt-on reverse map that might take us somewhere we never heard of - or even wanted to go." Skratch scurried forward. "It will require a magic pin!" The Wabbit made a mental list. "One reverse map, one magic pin. some bolts. Anything else?" "Sandwiches," purred Skratch. 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The team headed for Palombini's in EUR for their customary drink but were distracted by the market. "I didn't know there was a market here," said Wabsworth. "Every second Sunday," responded Lapinette. "I see a trader I know," remarked Wabsworth. "They go around," shrugged the Wabbit. The trader was a Calabrian with a special line in hot peppers that the Wabbit especially liked. They hopped a little farther. "Skratch, do the usual!" The Wabbit couldn't wait for Skratch to pronounce his special wisdom. "What was that for a special sort of adventure?" Skratch thrashed his tail. "It provided a means of commenting on society and its current mores. I'd say it does not fall into a genre." Lapinette grinned. "Maybe they all do. It's not new." Wabsworth wanted his word. "Strictly speaking they are folkways. Everyone agrees that they are so." The Wabbit groaned. "That doesn't mean they are. This was counter-hegemonic." Skratch hissed. "Counter hegemonic you say?" Lapinette was fast to offer her critique. "Perhaps the zombies as tourists do eat the flesh of society. Weighing down planes, polluting the atmosphere, using up any available accommodation. Turning our varied cuisine into pizza, pasta, tiramisu. They devour capacity and invert our world. Everyone carries two trolleys and does the same everything on the cheap." Skratch stepped back. "That's very sage, Lapinette." The Wabbit nodded his head. "Let's head to Palombini's." "What shall we have?" asked Wabsworth. "Prosecco Rosé?" quipped the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit on Movie Location

The film was nearly finished and the Wabbit and Lapinette joined Wabsworth on location. "Just a few pick-ups," murmured the Wabbit, who was producing. Some of the cast cavorted around in their costumes and make up. Everything seemed chaotic but was all going ahead according to plan. "Where's our director, Skratch?" asked Lapinette. "He's with the second unit," smiled Wabsworth, "He couldn't bear to leave it alone." Lapinette giggled. A zombie touched the Wabbit on the shoulder and he jumped. "Do you think the audience will get the inference that it's the tourists who are the zombies?" he said. Lapinette advised him not to care. "Leave that to Skratch to analyse." Wabsworth waved to the camera crew. "Do you think it will win any awards?" The Wabbit was horrified. "I certainly hope not." Silence ensued. "That's the spirit Commander," shrugged Wabsworth, "That's for the cinephiles." The sun beat down on Rome. It was only May but the Wabbit considered changing his fur for something more tropical. "I know a bar near here," he said. "Wabbit it's only 9.30 am," gasped Lapinette. "I'm Scottish," said the Wabbit. "We don't have rules about drinking." Wabsworth shrugged. "I'll join you." Being an android, he had tuned his algorithms to synthesise alcohol at any time. "Where is this bar?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit was already on his way and so they fell in behind him. 

6. The Wabbit and the Terrifying Terror

Further up the tunnel there was light and for a second Wabsworth was relived. Then he heard a commotion and was on him. A ferocious creature grabbed him from behind and howled. "Waaaabsworth, Waaaabsworth!" It knew his name, he didn't know how. He struggled but couldn't free himself. The creatures claws sank into his fur. Blood foamed from its mouth and slathered onto his neck. He activated his defences again. The creature felt the shock and let go but it was infuriated and roared the louder. Wabsworth heard another sound. He feared more zombies and ripped his arm away from the creature. But a blood curdling cry from above could only be the Wabbit. He heard a violent struggle and risked a glance upwards. The Wabbit had swung down from a piece of ironwork and wrapped himself round the creature's neck. He had an automatic. For a second Wabsworth shook his head, but he remembered a line from a film he'd seen. Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul. It was like instant communication. The Wabbit heard it and mouthed it. He pushed his automatic into the creature's mouth and fired upwards. Its spurting blood was a curious shade of purple. The bullet had pierced the brain. The creature slumped and lay on the tunnel floor. The Wabbit dropped. "Wabsworth. How's yer belly off for spots?" he murmured. "Spot on," quipped Wabsworth. With a chortle the Wabbit kicked the dead creature. "I've seen that in the movies," said Wabsworth. "So have I," murmured the Wabbit.

5. Wabsworth in the Deep Catacombs

Deep in the catacombs and safe for the moment, Wabsworth saw a line of statues. Judging by the state of their composition, they had been outside for a long time then brought inside. "What's your name my son?" The voice boomed and echoed through the tunnels. "My name is Wabsworth," said Wabsworth. He thought it best to be formal. "I am an android in the service of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." The speaker leaned forward. "I am a representation of an apostle in the service of the Lord. How may I help you?" Wabsworth ran the statue's image through his vast information banks but found only archaeology. "I have a bit of Zombie trouble," he said. The statue nodded sagely. "Poor creatures, they are caught in a state of undeadness and must wander the earth for all of time." Wabsworth was faintly irritated. He shrugged. "They're wandering too far. I haven't got all of time. I must join with my team and rid the earth of zombies." The statue grimaced. "I can hear them coming. They will be here soon." Wabsworth could hear the flapping of a dragon's wings and faint moans in the distance. He knew that theology wasn't going to help him. Again the statue spoke. "I will delay them. You be on your way." The statues began to crumble and one by one they fell across the passageway. Wabsworth started to run .. 

4. Wabsworth and the Zombie Dragon

Wabsworth was enjoying a day off at the Colosseum when all hell broke loose. He'd been enjoying going around and subjecting any tourist he met to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Roman Empire. But when a dragon dropped from the sky and picked him up, he thought that was a bit too much. He pulled out his radio and tried to get in touch with the Wabbit. It flew from his paw, squawking with the Wabbit's tones. "Urgent, urgent! Beware! Zombies of all kinds descending on Rome! This is not a drill! I repeat. This is not a drill." Wabsworth turned on his anti dragon software and shook. Electricity surged from his fur. The dragon released his grip and Wabsworth dropped to the ground where two zombies awaited. They looked mean. They growled. Decaying flesh dripped from their faces. "They look like they're from a music video." Wabsworth spun on his heels and made for the nearest tunnel. Tourists abounded but none paid any attention. "All part of the show?" murmured Wabsworth. He sounded just like the Wabbit. The dragon wheeled in the sky and dived at him. Wabsworth recovered his radio, ducked into the tunnel and disappeared. The dragon was wedged in the entrance. Wings flapped in a frantic dance. Scales dropped like autumn leaves. It breathed fire and the stench was grim as sour vomit. "That way to the vomitorium," quipped Wabsworth.

3. Lapinette and the Hungry Zombies

Lapinette was in Testaccio Market when she heard them coming. It was a kind of shuffle. A little bit distinctive, a little bit zombie. She flattened herself against a trader's stall, but it was no good. They advanced round the corner and saw her immediately. She got her radio out and it started to crackle with the Wabbit's voice. The signal was intermittent. "Beware ..  crackle .. zombies .. crackle .. shopping," It was too squawky. She switched it off because she already knew that. The first zombie was shorter or maybe he was just stooped. He bent down even further. "Brains," he said, "Need brains." The taller one echoed him. "Juicy brains, more juicy, squashy brains." Saliva drooled from what was left of his lips. Lapinette was already pointing. "Straight along there. You can't miss the butcher. He has plenty of succulent juicy brains." She thought fast. "Do you like wild boar salami?" The two shuffled past. "Need human brains," they moaned. As they rounded the corner, Lapinette got back on the radio. "Wabbit, what's this zombie thing?" The radio crackled. "I've got my own zombies here. Terrible dress sense." Lapinette gritted her teeth. "What do your zombies eat?" The radio crackled again. "Each other." Lapinette felt nauseous. The radio whined a bit. "Can you interest them in aperitivi?" asked the Wabbit.