1. The Wabbit and Arrivederci to All That

The Wabbit was looking for a consumer durable. He usually called it a consumer curable for no other reason than he thought it was funny. He'd set out up the hill with an idea in mind but by the time he got to the top he had forgotten. "Was it a washing machine?" he thought. No, he didn't think so. A robot vacuum cleaner? No, that wasn't it. Microchip? His shoulders heaved. No. He shook his head. A clock shaped like a cat? He knew Skratch would laugh and give him hell. Oven, Air frier, Dishwasher? Nope. So he thought he'd go in the shop and look at everything and then he would be reminded. He looked over his shoulder and saw the big sign "Arrivederci." "I've only just arrived," he thought. But he had an idea. He could buy the sign, then wave it at unwanted guests. They would get the message and take their leave. But he knew that would be impolite. He could see Lapinette waving her paws at him. Singing the National Anthem worked better. They would get up and he would hand them their hats and coats. He laughed and proceeded down a long avenue filled with washing machines. They stared at him with single eyes and implored him, "Buy me!" That was when he remembered what the desired object was. "An Anglepoise lamp!" He knew exactly the type he wanted. But when he spoke to a woman at the front desk, she said they didn't have that exact model. He proceeded out of the store with a disappointed expression. "Arrivederci," he said. 

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at their Caffè by the old Gregory Cinema, now a furniture showroom. It retained many original features including the awning. The Wabbit always called it the yawning, but no-one laughed. He smiled because he was known for his bad jokes. Skratch leaned in. "What was that for a very short adventure you just had?" Lapinette didn't care, "A shorty and a goody." Wabsworth was on it. "Could we term the AI bot as a monster? That brings with it a variety of intertextual codes." The Wabbit scoffed. "Not much of a monster!" Lapinette was inclined to differ. "It was made of shiny steel and had surreal touches." Skratch meaowed, "He was of an extra textual reality. He interacted with real world realities, but only to superimpose cyborg ones." Wabsworth was at pains to point out that he was an android. "I am more human and less machine." Lapinette looked askance at him. "You're not going to lead an android uprising!" "How do you know?" replied Wabsworth. He winked at Skratch. "I couldn't be bothered. Too much work." The Wabbit laughed. "Are you buying the drinks then?" There was a soft tittering. "Maybe," said Wabsworth, "How much are they?" "About a fiver each," said Lapinette. "Disgraceful!" shouted Wabsworth. He felt in his fur and pulled out a bank debit card. "I'm keeping a record." Skratch nodded. "I prefer to work in cash. No records." Wabsworth pretended to scowl. "Then you buy the drinks!" 

3, Wabsworth and the Fiery Bot

They grabbed the bot and hauled him to the market. Wabsworth worked on him with a flaming paw. That's when it all went crazy. The bot shouted ads and flames cascaded from his mouth. Wabsworth's wires jumped and sputtered. The Wabbit could not believe his eyes as Lapinette appeared yelling from the market canopies and fired a flaming blade where Wabsworth's cables met the bot. "You'll need this if you want to stop him." She meant every word. "Fry his components like a fish supper!" The Wabbit looked on with interest. He turned to Wabsworth. "Did you get him?" The bot turned in a circle and fired a few vague adverts. "Come for tea in Tuscanee, be free, be free - in B&B!" it warbled. "He's not gone, shouted Wabsworth. "Fire your blades again Lapinette." More blades shot from Lapinette's paws. "Take that you mis-adventuring meaow! Never harass the Wabbit again." The bot's spindly arms flailed. The armchair head lost its stuffing. Legs bounced from walls. Yet the ads continued. "Win, bet, win, a sausage din!" "Deep purge!" shouted Wabsworth. Lapinette fired her last blades then all was quiet. The bot crumbled. Components rolled. Severed connections flashed and died. "Well," said the Wabbit, "You don't see that everyday." "I'm thirsty", gasped Lapinette. Wabsworth looked up his data banks. "I have a cocktail called Terminal Lightning. I'll mix it for you now." "It'll do!" said the Wabbit. "Mix it up, live it up!" Lapinette jumped down from the roof. "Feeling fine, tasting wine!" 

2. The Wabbit and Wabsworth's View

The Wabbit met up with Wabsworth in his favourite shopping centre. Wabsworth liked to haunt around Euronics and change things. Then he would stand aside and watch people's amusement. He was just coming out when the Wabbit arrived. "I wanted your point of view," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth laughed, "You're in luck it's not lost!" The Wabbit grinned because he always appreciated Wabsworth's sense of humour. He touched Wabsworth on his arm. "Humour me," he said. "I've got bot trouble." Wabsworth and the Wabbit were great pals, so he paid attention. "What kind of bot?" "An advertising bot, "sulked the Wabbit. "The worst kind," smirked Wabsworth. They hopped for a bit. "Does it look anything like that fellow there?" Wabsworth looked back over his shoulder. The Wabbit looked too. "That's him, he's following me with annoying adverts." Wabsworth sighed. "I saw him earlier, he looked sad. I tuned him up to be happier." The Wabbit waited. "Now he's got an annoying giggle," smiled Wabsworth. "Oh no, like everyone else," groaned the Wabbit, "Look out here he comes!" They snuck around a corner, "He seems attached to you!" commented Wabsworth. The Wabbit knew all about attachment since he'd studied a module on Bowlby at night school. "I'd like to lose him." Wabsworth thought about it and eventually said, "We'll need to electronically purge him, but that's easier said than done." The Wabbit smiled a smile that went on ever. "What's the middle of one location?" Wabsworth didn't hesitate, "That same location." "Thank goodness," replied the Wabbit, "I thought I'd have to leave the house." 

1. The Wabbit and the Uninvited Bot

The Wabbit hopped along Via Anastasio II. He felt a little sombre and didn't know why. Maybe it was because of the whispering. He'd been hearing it on and off for a while and it bothered him. He tried to shut it out of his mind and succeeded. But then it came back. He decided on a different approach and amplified the volume. Now he could hear it, but it seemed like gibberish. "Buyoo," it said, "Buyoo moochoo. Buyoo moochoo" Then it repeated. It sounded a bit robotic, so he decided to speak to Wabsworth about it and get the android point of view. He knew all about that sort of thing. The voice died away. It was a pleasant day, and the volume of traffic had decreased - so maybe that was why he could hear the noise. Maybe it was tinnitus. He shook his ears. But back the voice came. He thought he'd hum a tune to cover it up and chose "London's burning," by the Clash. But he couldn't hear it properly because the voice was clearer now. More than clear. "Veeseet Lundun, Veeseet Lundun cheep." The Wabbit stopped dead. "It's an advertisement!" He looked behind him and saw a figure that looked like a robot shambling along the road. The arms and legs were long and gangly. It stumbled as it went and looked like it needed to stabilise itself on street furniture. The Wabbit slapped a paw on his forehead. "Now where did I pick you up?" 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at the MAXXI museum Caffè. Lapinette was in an ebullient mood. She attached to one of the pillars and scaled it in an instant. Skratch was appalled. "This is a place of high art. Come down at once." The Wabbit grinned. "She's been in a fine adventure and she's only letting off steam!" Lapinette yelled "Victory!" and slid down at great speed. Wabsworth chipped in, "We got the movie, chased down the bad guys, located the coordinates and saved the day." Skratch was bemused, "Who for?" The Wabbit took pleasure in saying it. "Us." Lapinette had returned to normal. "That story was a European tour de force. It foregrounded the signifier at least seven times." Skratch meaowed. "It was but a MacGuffin!" Wabsworth thought that most funny. "If it's good enough for Hitchcock, its good enough for us. Boundaries were blurred between reality and the unconscious." Lapinette bounded in the air. "An inter-semiotic translation!" Skratch wasn't impressed. "The transgression of spatial boundaries is a sure sign of nothing to talk about." He winked at Lapinette. She winked back and re-climbed the pole. "She'll start to speak French again," shrugged the Wabbit. "My forebears were French," she said. "Then where's that rare French wine?" asked Wabsworth. "I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot 1841 in my frock," replied Lapinette. "Let's see it!" Now the Wabbit was ebullient. Lapinette fluttered her eyes and gave him a come hither glance. "Come and get it!"
 

13. The Wabbit and the Old Tank

Lapinette caught up with the Wabbit and Wabsworth after she'd finished blasting the green things. "Where's that tape, Commander?" said Wabsworth. He liked everything tied up with a pink ribbon. "It's already copied down to digital," said the Wabbit, "We have no need for it no more!" Wabsworth agreed. "It served its purpose and allowed us to intervene. But where are the fail-deadly coordinates?" "Moved and double deeply coded," grinned the Wabbit. Lapinette held up both paws. "I renovated the tank! Watch" The tank recoiled and shot an enormous blast from the cannon. "That'll wake em up!" giggled Lapinette, "Reveillez-vous!" Wabsworth and the Wabbit looked at each other, "Zut alors?" shrugged the Wabbit. Wabsworth shrugged too, just like his Commander. "Shall we have a picnic lunch?" asked the Wabbit. "Where's the food?" enquired Lapinette. The Wabbit plunged a paw into his fur and produced sandwiches, a cake, a picnic basket and the - with the other paw - a jeroboam of chilled champagne. He laid everything on the grass. "Voila!" Lapinette drew an edged weapon from her frock and with a single swipe, cut the cake. "C'est magnifique, mon commandant!" Wabsworth, being an android, could translate into all the known languages in the Universe. But he switched on his food algorithm and uttered a single phrase. "Let's get stuck in!"

12. Lapinette and the Triple Blast

Lapinette crept quietly towards the bay. She could see the green suits there and they didn't notice her. They bent down and scooped radioactive fluid into drums. The smell was grim, like something that crept out of the sewer. She wrinkled her nose. Then she felt in her frock for old standby weapons. The stick grenades clung to her paws. She wiped her paws and spat on them. "Rabbits don't spit," she said to herself. She steadied herself. Put her weight on her back foot. Then with two single smooth movements, she threw the missiles. The first exploded on her right. It showered small pieces of concrete on the green figures. They turned. The second left her paws with a whizzing sound that spelled destruction. They tried to run, but in the bay, it was impossible to get away. One cartwheeled down two flights of steps, another squeezed behind the canisters. "Take that for your trouble you green things!" Her yell penetrated the caverns. There was no response. All she heard was a steady radioactive drip. "Time to be going," she murmured to herself. It was her last grenade. Another blast sealed the bay behind concrete rubble. Not too far away, the Wabbit and Wabsworth hopped down endless tunnels. "Lapinette's cleaning up," smirked the Wabbit, "Putain de merde!" grinned Wabsworth. 

11. The Wabbit and the Masked Creatures

They hopped along a gas-mask lined corridor, glancing from right to left. The Wabbit stopped and pulled a video tape box from his fur. He tucked it under his paw and gritting his 28 teeth, rounded the corner. "That's as far as you go, rabbit." The voice went with the gas-masked figure. It spoke with a heavy rhythmic hiss accompanied by a whoosh, click and flutter. Lapinette pointed her weapon. "Stand down, robotic figure." The figure snarled. "I stand down for no-one." Lapinette stood her ground. Pointed her weapon. "Suit yourself. It will be the worse for you." It was the first time the Wabbit noticed the French accent that came with her growl. "You will give me the box!" The Wabbit smiled in a way that everyone found annoying. "I cannot." "Why not?" The Wabbit paused and touched the grey case. "Did you ever hear the story of the old empty box?" The figure tensed, stem jetting from the mask. "No, I did not." The Wabbit shrugged. "There was nothing in it." The figure lunged forward. "Give me it anyway." Silence hung, broken only by the mask's respirated hiss. "I think I'll keep it," said the Wabbit. He tucked it back in his fur. The figure wheezed, turned, grabbed for it. Lapinette's snaser spat. The figure's suit collapsed, an empty shell on the ground. Rows of vacant masks watched from the shelves. "They're brainstorming," grinned the Wabbit.

10. The Wabbit and the Top-Secret Area

The operations room was huge. The sign said it all. This was a top-secret bunker. He could hear noises and he hoped Wabsworth was on his way. He could detect the squeal from an old U-Matic recorder. He shook his head. A figure stood at a desk, but it had turned out to be a dummy - the Wabbit felt foolish for threatening him. Anyway, he got behind a cabinet for cover and scrunched down. The stairway would have creaked had it not been concrete. A figure approached. "Who goes there?" The Wabbit decided to be bold. "Wabsworth, Commander!" The tip of a snazer came round the corner followed by the Wabbit's android double. "I nearly shot you." The Wabbit's head swung as he heard another figure approaching. "Are you all right Wabbit?" Lapinette's voice cut through the gloom. She was armed with a snazer too. "We have company of persons unknown," said the Wabbit. "They're playing a funny game." Lapinette snorted. "I heard your old documentary playing somewhere. Sounded like a bad dream." The Wabbit decided to ignore that for the moment. "Is this the fail-deadly location?" Wabsworth, as always, had cut to the chase. "Probably," shrugged the Wabbit. "This is quite a place," commented Lapinette. "Planning a move?" smiled the Wabbit. "I hear they're going to carpet bomb it!" stated Wabsworth. They laughed at his deadpan humour. "Good place for a drinks reception," added Lapinette. "Bring anything with you?" smirked the Wabbit.
 

9. The Wabbit in the Tunnel of the Past

The Wabbit hopped with caution down the gloomy cavern. It was in a poor state, or it had never been finished. The cavern was silent except for water dribbling down the walls. The Wabbit knew that outside, noise levels were grim. In his head he could hear car alarms, ambulance sirens, leaf blowers, revving mopeds. A flickering on the roof was composed of his old documentary. "They're trying to torment me with my ancient film," thought the Wabbit, "they'll have to do better than that." Scenes changed. Barcelona gave way to Amsterdam to Dublin to London to Athens to Porto. The Wabbit shrugged. "That's all in the past." He hopped on. His glasses glowed a deep blue in the gloom. His head groaned. His feet were wet. His hands clammy. The voice returned, whispering. "Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?" The Wabbit knew that they were serious. His radio was under his paw, but he murmured into it. "Come in, come in" This time there was a signal. It must have been the metal rods. "Wabbit to base, come in," A soft crackle gave way to a familiar voice. "I know where you are, Commander. I've got a fix." The Wabbit hissed. "I could use some help here." Wabsworth was self-assured as always. "Shall I bring an excavator?" The Wabbit shrugged. "And explosives." There was a long silence. "Don't worry, we're on our way." He cut off. "Do what you like," hummed the Wabbit, "but don't keep me waiting." 

8. The Wabbit and the Dank Tunnel

The Wabbit said this was a job for him and he'd go alone. No-one was happy, but the Wabbit was adamant. With the digital coordinates memorised, he travelled far. He didn't know what he was looking for but he said he'd know when he found it. He was deep in the mountains. It was cold and dank. Water dripped down the walls. An old sign said that he should keep his mouth shut. He shrugged and looked around. No sign of any enemy, Euls or otherwise, He thought he's better call in and he stabbed his walkie talkie. He only got a faint crackle. "I think the walls must be too thick," he grumbled. "I wonder why the Department put its fail-deadly system in this god forsaken place. There are only ghosts here." At that point he heard murmurings. They became clearer. These were cold recorded voices. "We are the Ghosts of the Department," they said. "We can see you Wabbit." The Wabbit fumbled in the dark for his automatic. "Show yourselves," he called. Silence fell, then the cold voices again. "We are but auditory holograms. We knew you would come. Did you bring the tape?" The Wabbit was coy. He couldn't be sure this wasn't a trap. "The tape is in safe hands. I am instructed to reveal its whereabouts to no-one." Silence again. "We are someone!" The Wabbit froze. He'd heard that before and at that moment he knew it was a trap. He wished he'd brought reinforcements. He looked up and down the tunnel. In the distance he could see an escape route of sorts and he thought he'd better use it ... 
 

7. The Wabbit and a Ghost in the Machine

Every time the Wabbit visited, Hardhack has a new configuration. Where the cash for all this came from was a mystery and few dared ask. The air smelled of electricity and plastic. A multitude of fans whirred. Hardhack came scampering out from a back room and he was excited. "Is that it?" he yelled. "It's a long time since I've seen one." Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "I think it's 1992." Hardhack sniffed it long and hard. "No vinegar, no mouldy socks. No cow on the ice." Lapinette pointed. "Kin you play it?" Hardhack looked at the label. "PAL or SEECAM?" "Both," smiled the Wabbit. Hardhack took hold of the tape. "Careful," said the Wabbit, "Politis protocols are active." Hardhack fingered it gently and hummed to himself. "Can you extract and make safe the encoded information?" asked the Wabbit. "If I can't, no-one can." Hardhack smirked. "I have to bake it in a furnace." He disappeared into a back room. Lapinette knew all about this. "Essential," she said. "He can make us a flan at the same time," said the Wabbit. "No-one thinks you're funny," snapped Lapinette. They waited. Hardhack re-appeared. "Into the Light, a film by Kenneth Shanks?" Hardhack strolled up and down. "There's digital encoding. Finicky." The Wabbit nodded. Lapinette scowled. "A flickering chequerboard on the very edge of the video tape. I'm downloading it to my computer array's binary buffer." Hardhack waited for applause but didn't get any. "Now give me the digital coordinates," snapped the Wabbit. 

6. The Wabbit and the Secret in the Box

"I thought the tape was mislaid, Commander!" Wabsworth kept his voice low but it carried nonetheless. The Wabbit groaned. He'd crept into the Department in the early hours to rake through old files. He came across the box quite quickly. It was at the back of his filing cabinet, tucked where no cleaner ever ventured. "Shhh, Wabsworth!" he hissed. Wabsworth hopped down until he was nearly level with the Wabbit. "Is it in there, because the Politis protocols determine certain handling measures?" The Wabbit scowled. "Wabsworth, this is an old and dusty box left by the plumbers. And yes, the tape is in the box. I placed it here so no-one could possible find it." Wabsworth groaned. "With all due respect, Wabbit, your security measures leave a lot to be desired." The Wabbit looked over his shoulder. "No-one knew it was here and if they did it would have exploded on opening." Wabsworth doubted this was true. He hopped down another step. "Where are you taking it?" The Wabbit decided to let Wabsworth in on the secret. "To a place with security measures." "Hardhack Rat?" queried Wabsworth, slapping a paw on his forehead. The Wabbit tapped the box. "He knows stuff. Enough to determine the encoded information." Wabsworth was horrified. "He's not on our staff." "I'm going to take precautions," said the Wabbit. "Get the information then push him out of the window?" laughed Wabsworth. The Wabbit paused. "Not a bad idea." Wabsworth groaned. "You can't go around pushing people out of windows." "Of course not," grinned the Wabbit, "but it's in the protocols."

5. The Wabbit steps Into the Light

The viewing theatre was as scruffy as always. Just the way the Wabbit liked it. He'd invited Lapinette and Wabsworth to his special screening of a documentary called Into the Light. They'd never heard of it. "They'll be prosecco," he said, so they went along for the drinks. The Wabbit waited to introduce the movie. "This will be news to you, but it explains why the Euls appeared and why they were so violent." Lapinette put her paw up. "Who's Kenneth Shanks?" The Wabbit's smile was enormous. "He's our author. He made this film." Wabsworth wanted to be diplomatic, but he felt his power unit drain. "What's so special about it." The Wabbit hopped up and down. "In the original master tape ..." Wabsworth shrugged. "What kind?" "... U-matic," said the Wabbit. "That went out with wind up clocks," laughed Wabsworth. "Pay attention!" yelled the Wabbit. "When the tape was created, certain information was encoded therein." Lapinette giggled. The Wabbit ignored her. "The information concerns the exact parameters of the Department's fail-deadly defence system." Lapinette gasped. Not even a high-ranking Marchesa knew. Nor did an android with memory banks the size of a planet. "Have I got your attention?" asked the Wabbit. They nodded. "The Euls got wind of this?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit looked grave. "That's why they wanted to capture me." Wabsworth was a step ahead. "Where's the tape, Wabbit?" "That's just it," groaned the Wabbit. "It's mislaid!"